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Is my marriage boring?


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I've been with my husband for 7 years, married 2, and on one hand I couldn't be happier, I could never imagine a more perfect person for me. But a few months ago I started having very strong feelings of restlessness and boredom, and for the first time since we've been together, I've serioulsy entertained thoughts of splitting up. It honestly doesn't make any sense to me, because I love him dearly, he's an amazing person and he makes me very happy. We've talked about it a lot and although he's obviously concerned he's supportive and wants to do whatever he can to help me and us figure this out, even if it means coming to the painful conclusion that we shouldn't be together. I'm not finding myself wanting to go out and be with other people either, when I imagine myself leaving him, I just see myself alone, but in a good way.

I guess the hardest part of this is that there is nothing going on, or not going on in the relationship that I could point to as a part of the reason why I'm feeling this way, it seems to have sprung up out of the blue. I'm not the kind of person to avoid feelings or thoughts that might scare me, on the contrary I probably examine what's going on in my head too much! So basically I feel like I'm recognizing all this stuff that's going on inside me, and it's scary but it's good that I'm being honest with myself and my husband about it, but ultimately I would never dream of ending a relationship without a good reason, I can't say "Even though you give me everything I need and want, I'm bored so see ya!" Maybe this is just a phase or something, there are a lot of stresses in my life right now, moving, finding a new job, turning 30, that could be part of this. What I want to know is are there others out there who've experienced something similar? How have you dealt with it?

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That you are restless doesn't mean your marriage is to blame. Every now and then, I get bouts of restlessness that have little to do with my surroundings. Not all feelings have external causes. Maybe you've just got an overdose of adrenaline going on. Maybe you are too stressed. I would definitely not junk a marriage over 'restlessness'. Get yourself a new hobby. Find something new and fun you both could do. Travel's a sure cure for restlessness. But remember, this could be just some temporary internal upheaval which will sort itself out eventually.

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If you love him dearly but want to be separated, you can try it out for a while without getting a divorce.

I have to warn you though, that if you really like being alone during the trial period, then you might even get a permanent separation.

What I suggest is try to spice up your relationship by doing something unusual or something extraordinary.

Take a vacation to exotic place or even simple things like making a hot date with each other.

You can overcome your feelings if you really love him dearly as you say.

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That you are restless doesn't mean your marriage is to blame.

 

Yeah! Totally. I'm bored ALLLL the time, and I'm not married!

 

Don't blame your husband or your marriage for YOUR boredom. If you are bored, then do something about it. Go skydiving, Join a club, sexually experiment with your husband!, Take a class in something that interests you, get a masters degree, start exercising, do volunteer work, get a puppy!, plan exciting dates with your husband...

 

If you do divorce your husband, so what. You'll just be bored AND alone. Then you'll marry someone else and be bored with him too after 2 years.

 

It honestly doesn't make any sense to me, because I love him dearly, he's an amazing person and he makes me very happy.

 

Obviously your feelings aren't involved with your marraige.

 

it seems to have sprung up out of the blue. I'm not the kind of person to avoid feelings or thoughts that might scare me, on the contrary I probably examine what's going on in my head too much!

 

Have you considered that you might be depressed? I really think you need to see a therapist about this problem.

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I'm going through a similar experience as yourself. My husband and I have seperated recently and have decided to go to counseling. I'm not sure if you should seperate with your huband but going to couples counseling would definately be a great option. Since you say you love your husband maybe finding out what problems you have in your marriage will open the door for you.

 

Good luck.

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I agree, it might not be the marriage to blame. Are you happy with what you are doing career wise, friend wise? Are you self-fulfilled?

 

I would not advice separating as your husband would not know how to take it. I do think the counselling is a good idea as well as seeing what you can do to your own life to add excitement.

 

Good luck.

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I send my wife to a Resort every 4 or 5 months just for a change of pace. It totally relaxes her and refreshes her to where she can better focus on her family. She loves it because it's a treat and it's a break from the ole routine she sometimes dreads. See if your husband would mind if you do the same, go to the spa, get a massage, a manicure, pedicure, and get your hair done. She loves it being treated like that and I think you would too.

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Moose that is so sweet........ I wish my own husband would send me away for a spa retreat, I'd do it myself but if I were to spend that kind of money, he'd kill me for sure.........

 

if you are bored you didn't marry your husband to keep you entertained, if he's a wonderful person as you say, and you love him dearly, find other things that will hold your interest - having someone loving and caring and can share yourself openly and freely is a major one, the rest come easy.

 

Skydiving's good :) I did that one.

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Thanks for all the responses! I agree with everyone that there are other issues at hand, other things I'm dealing with that are making my life weird right now, but it helps to hear it from others as well. We actually went skydiving to celebrate our 1 yr. anniversary - an experience almost as amazing as getting married in the first place!

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Is my marriage boring?

 

 

Dearest Tiger, your marriage isn't boring.

 

All marriage is boring. ;)

 

Every marriage must struggle against the unatural life time union of man and wife.

Remember, "this could be just some temporary internal upheaval which will sort itself out eventually" and then once it sorts itself out, you'll be able to do it all over again for the remainder of your life.

 

Have a kid or two, that will spark things up for a decade!

 

Welcome to Hell, my dear, tiger. :D

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Maybe you have the proverbial 7 year itch. :)

 

If you believe your marriage is boring, dissatisfying and unhappy, then it is.

 

Seven years may be quite enough time with this particular spouse, and it's time to change partners.

 

Good luck.

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Nothing like a dose of marriage doom from samson and sinner to make you feel good about the married state :p Sorry boys, but you know I really don't agree with all your pessimistic views on marriage. I can't buy into it, given that I am engaged and all, and about to embrace the institution you think has passed it's used by date. :) I agree though, not all marriages will last, and not all will be fulfilling for a lifetime. That's the risk I guess.

 

I would concur with the others who have said that you may be feeling restless for reasons other than your marriage. We all do go through those stages. I hope things turn around soon, or you can identify what you need/can do to make your life seem more exciting for you.

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Really, you should watch Chris Rock's new HBO special-he talks about good relationships and bad relationships. Besides being hilarious, one of the things he jokes about is how married people are boring. (with a bit about inviting a single crack whore to a couples dinner to liven things up)

 

And if you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, you're in a bad relationship (hey, you gave me crabs!! Hilarious) Good relationships can be a bit predictable.

 

I think that if your HUSBAND was boring, you'd want to throttle him. Seems like it's just your life that bores you. Are you gainfully employed? Perhaps you might think about going to school part time, learn something new. Are you restless like you want to get in the car and just drive and drive, or restless you want to service 4 men at a time? If you're wanting the latter, I'd be inclined to agree with Sinner.

 

If you're REALLY bored, why don't you file for divorce, then start dating ALL over again? The emotional turmoil it will put both of you through should keep things interesting for quite some time.

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Another thing...life is all about give and take. When you ae single and dating things are all fun and exciting, and changing sure, but they are also painful, sometimes lonely, dissapointing, empty etc

 

When married it may be that things aren't so exciting, but they are warm, comforting, loving, secure, fulfilling etc

 

This year I took up dancing again, I also am doing a writing course, and travel writing for newspapers etc...all those things have helped me get out of a rut and feel more fulfilled. Might help you do take on something new.

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Originally posted by tiger

I've been with my husband for 7 years, married 2, and on one hand I couldn't be happier, I could never imagine a more perfect person for me. But a few months ago I started having very strong feelings of restlessness and boredom, and for the first time since we've been together, I've serioulsy entertained thoughts of splitting up. It honestly doesn't make any sense to me, because I love him dearly, he's an amazing person and he makes me very happy. We've talked about it a lot and although he's obviously concerned he's supportive and wants to do whatever he can to help me and us figure this out, even if it means coming to the painful conclusion that we shouldn't be together.

Reading your post makes it clear that the problem in you but not in your marriage. It can happen. I would try to find a good job or hobbies. I know some women who are at home with kids and only husband works told me the same. Not sure if it is your case. But I know if you are bored then look inside you not around you.

The Ex wife of my husband left him after 10 years of marriage saying your words (two kids involved):

He's an amazing person, wonderful father, nice, has a good job, works hard but not fun.

 

She told it me too when we met. I am very thankful to her that I got such a caring, understanding, amassing fun husband. She was with one guy after separation for a year who was fun to be with. It had to end too.

That is her busyness...but Is it boring to be wife of my husband?

 

We traveled all around the world as we met. I am working too so we can let us lots other fun. We have so many projects that vacations and weekends are not enough. I suggest that you find a fulfilling job.

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When married it may be that things aren't so exciting, but they are warm, comforting, loving, secure, fulfilling etc

 

AHHHHHHhhhhhhhh..........................Thinkalot....................I do appreciate your innocent wide-eyed optimism, but marriage doesn't equate to warmth, comfort, love, or security any more than it does excitement. :D

 

For any one of these things, or all of them together, your best bet is a nice Laborador Retreiver. Much easier to care for than a spouse. ;)

 

Of course, now this advise is coming a little late, but perhaps there are some that can still be saved: BTW, Thinkalot. have you thought any more about the Prenupt? You oughta begin a new thread; WHAT DID I AGREE TO????? :rolleyes:

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but marriage doesn't equate to warmth, comfort, love, or security any more than it does excitement.

 

People make the mistake of thinking their situation can be extrapolated to all of humankind. That is rarely the case. Not to mention exceedingly illogical.

 

That the marriages of some people on a - love problems forum ! - may not be great should be no surprise. :rolleyes:

 

Life is not fun or exciting all the time. As several posters pointed out, single life can be every bit as boring. It's just a case of 'grass is greener' - thinking (unrealistically) that everybody else has it better than you. That's just in the sitcoms. That lawn that looks so much greener from a distance usually turns out to be bitter weeds.

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People make the mistake of thinking their situation can be extrapolated to all of humankind. That is rarely the case. Not to mention exceedingly illogical.

 

:rolleyes: True, Moi, the-Suddenly-Logical, but I'm not going to publish a list of references to support common sense: Marriage, or any other contract (particularly LONG TERM agreements) guarantees NOTHING, particularly excitement, and certainly not love (50% divorce rate, and the majority that manage to remain married do so unhappily).

 

GET A DOG! ;)

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Samson, my favourite curmudgeon, what people call 'common sense' is, essentially, their own ideas. Whatever someone thinks, no matter how far from fact it might be, is deemed 'common sense' even if it's not common :D I've seen people argue that gays are inferior and that Iraq is a just war from 'common sense'.

 

And, once again, (and forever it seems), it is not 'marriage' that is the problem but the people in the marriage. Of course a marriage won't be exciting if all the two people in it do is bitch about how boring marriage is. However, some of our posters are actually friends and companions of their partners and work at their relationship together.

 

Here's some more logic for you: no marriage can be exciting if the people in it don't try to make it exciting.

 

How's that for a 'duh' moment?

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some of our posters are actually friends and companions of their partners and work at their relationship together.

 

Yes, there are always anamolies.

 

Did I claim that NO MARRIAGE WAS EXCITING??????? Well, let's just straighten that out:

 

Some marriages are exciting.

 

But MOST people love their dog(s).

 

Now, Moi,........................... :laugh: ............... this is what is called a 'duh' moment.

 

;)

Curmugeonly yours,

Samson

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If he is not sharing such boredom then you have to look into yourself to find out what went wrong with you recently. More specifically and frankly speaking: Are you thinking of anyone else besides your husband?

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it is not 'marriage' that is the problem but the people in the marriage.

 

Under any pragmatic, utilitarian yardstick, when an institution fails more than half the people more than half the time, the institution is to blame--not the institutionally victimized participants. Otherwise, one mindlessly encourages people to enter a vulnerable arrangement with a more than 50% failure rate. And when the marriage does fail, as most do over time, these poor misguided, snookered souls feel doubly guilty because moralists tell them that the failure was theirs, not the marriage. Gimme a break!

 

I anticipate that, over time, traditional marriage will wither way. People will vote with their feet and enter other more short-term, ad hoc arrangements. Traditional marriage will become extinct, and disappear with nary a whimper, let alone a bang.

 

Samson, do you notice that marriage's biggest critics on these boards are long-time marrieds? That's no coincidence. Nothing reveals an institution's failings like experience.

 

:)

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Nothing reveals an institution's failings like experience.

 

I'm araid this might just be labled "common sense" and dismissed! :eek::eek::eek::laugh:

 

Now I gotta walk my dog! :rolleyes:

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Some people pathologically avoid blame - and so they cast blame on 'external factors' rather than take a hard look at themselves. It's a coping mechanism that's well known. In order to think of oneself as a competent, capable human, one has to deny all responsibility for anything that goes wrong, for to admit responsibility may mean one is not competent, and that is unbearable.

 

There's also a situation where people feel helpless to do anything about things that happen to them; it's the world that causes their problems, not them. They are unable to understand how they contribute to their own problems.

 

Psychology is fascinating stuff! :)

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