Husband's emotional affair with neighbor

[MedMom]

I caught my husband in an emotional affair with our neighbor. I wasn't able to access all their communication but I found some texts and emails that confirmed my suspicions.

 

My husband now says he has ended it but we still see the neighbor daily and my husband has, on a couple of occasions, done some things that make me uncomfortable -- sitting by her at a party, driving to another town to help her in a very minor emergency and she called my husband to help. I feel he needs to completely stay away from her but he will not. He says there is no more inappropriate communication and that should be enough for me. But my husband has all his electronic devices locked so I can't verify what he tells me.

 

Our kids are best friends and I don't want to hurt those relationships....what do I do? Confront the neighbor? Tell her husband? Nothing.....am I making a mountain out of a molehill and being paranoid?

 

I truly feel that I'm at my wits end because I don't think my husband is doing what he needs to do to make me feel secure and I want their contact to end.

Edited July 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[2sunny]

He's taken it underground now.

 

Yes, tell her husband.

 

Are you ready to divorce him since he doesn't make you his only female priority?

 

Do you know where your boundary is?

[MedMom]

I do feel this is serious enough to lead to divorce. My boundary is that his contact with her is absolutely minimal. Unfortunately, because she is our neighbor, we see her everywhere -- parties, sporting events, etc. He is bound to see her almost daily. Neither of us wants to create tension or ruin the kids' friendship....especially because a child of hers is basically my child's only friend.

[2sunny]

Can you move?

 

Have you exposed the evidence to her husband?

 

If he loves you - he shouldn't have ANY contact with her if he intends to stay married.

[MedMom]

We can't move. I feel like talking to her husband is the nuclear option but I'm getting closer to that point. Not sure if that would get me the response I want though.

[whichwayisup]

I do feel this is serious enough to lead to divorce. My boundary is that his contact with her is absolutely minimal. Unfortunately, because she is our neighbor, we see her everywhere -- parties, sporting events, etc. He is bound to see her almost daily. Neither of us wants to create tension or ruin the kids' friendship....especially because a child of hers is basically my child's only friend.

 

Your husband is going to do what he is going to do until he suffers major consquences. He's locked his phone so you can't see his texts. RED FLAG.

 

Why didn't tshe call her own husband? I find it odd that she would get your H involved with their child's medical emergency. Unless her H was out of town, calling your H to rescue them seems needy (due to the circumstances that they're too close).

 

I say lay it all out for him. Tell him exactly what you feel and what you expect to happen next. Let him know too that what he's doing WILL hurt a lot of innocent people aka all the kids as well as you and her husband if he continues with this budding friendship.

 

Now, this doesn't mean it'll turn into a physical affair but it certainly has the makings to become one if they don't back off and spend less time together.

 

Have other neighbours noticed how close they are?

[whichwayisup]

We can't move. I feel like talking to her husband is the nuclear option but I'm getting closer to that point. Not sure if that would get me the response I want though.

 

Why not? Four eyes are better than two. He probably doesn't realize how much time they spend together as well time texting too. If he knew, more than likely he'd put his foot down as well.

 

Why can't you move?

 

I do want to say that if their child is your child's only friend, that's not good or healthy. Your child needs to have play dates with other kids, not just because if this thing does get out of control/worse or blow up (they are in fact having a full on affair) it'll just be a lot harder to keep the norm and not have weirdness happen later.

[oldshirt]

When children lose consciousness you call 911. You then call your spouse and tell them what hospital you are going to and to meet you there. Then you call your parents and siblings and inlaws from the hospital with updates on their condition. In such an emergency you only call your neighbor if you had to leave the house with food cooking on the stove or an open fire still going on the grill or fire pit or you remembered that the water was still running in the bathtub.

 

This is highly inappropriate and a super bright red flag flapping wildly in the wind. In fact this was the smoking gun. It's so inappropriate it likely did not actually even happen and is just a cover story for them getting together that particular time.

 

Guys don't do these kinds of things with women they are screwing or hoping to screw in the very near future. This is either a full-on affair or he/they are hoping it will be in the very near future.

 

He has not ended this, it is still very much taking place, they have just taken it further underground.

 

I think you have enough to go nuclear and kick him out of the house, change the locks and see a lawyer to start drawing up divorce papers.

 

If he wants to stay married and live in the maritial home with his children and wife he either-

 

- hands over all the passwords ON THE SPOT WITHOUT A CHANCE TO CLEAR THE HISTORIES.

 

- calls the other woman IN FRONT OF YOU and ends the affair then deletes and blocks her from all of his devices and goes 100% no contact with 100% transparency and confirmation from you.

 

- immediately enters into professional maritial counseling and participates completely without any reservations.

 

- shows genuine remorse and dedicates himself to completely earning back your trust making the marriage happy, healthy and bombproof in the future.

 

If he balks or hesitates or backpedals on anyone one of those things, then you go to her husband and YOUR husbands family and ask for their support in keeping her away from your husband while you two work out the terms of your marriage or divorce.

 

You will need to provide proof so make copies of any txts or emails, motel receipts etc etc otherwise they will just say you are hysterical and dreaming things up.

 

If you think you stand a chance of remaining married, do not go to your family yet as once you do that, they will never not accept him again.

 

I hate to break it to you, but this isn't just a little infactuation or just a little flirtation and banter that got a little carried away. As you peel back layers and do more discovery, you are going to find out this is an actual affair that is sexual and has probably been going on for a lot longer than you have even suspected.

[oldshirt]

I hate to break it to you, but this isn't just a little infactuation or just a little flirtation and banter that got a little carried away. As you peel back layers and do more discovery, you are going to find out this is an actual affair that is sexual and has probably been going on for a lot longer than you have even suspected.

 

If you still want to believe this is only an EA, you need to dig a little deeper. Secretly install a keylogger program on any computers he uses. Get phone and txt records from the phone company. Get a voice activated digital recorder and hide it in his car (people in affairs talk on the phone in their cars to and from work etc) or any room in the house or place in the garage/yard that he isolates himself in.

 

Look through credit card and bank statements and follow the money (jewelry, flowers, lingerie, motels, concerts, drinks/dinners at restaurants etc etc)

 

Save hard and soft copies of everything you find. When the time comes to confront her and inform her husband you will need the hard proof. she already has a cover story and alibis lined up, so you will need to present the smoking guns.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

What oldshirt said.

 

I would bet my retirement fund that it's still going on and is physical.

 

Oh and tell the husband immediately, do not warn either if them or they will cover.

Edited July 20, 2013 by It-is-what-it-is.
Oops

[oldshirt]

My suggestion is go into private eye mode first and get the proof you need to break yourself out of the delusion that this is just an emotional thing and so you see it for what it truly is.

 

Then once you know what the reality is, decide if you are willing to try to work on the marriage or just end it as cleanly as possible.

 

If you decide you want to try, decide what it will truly take to get past this and lead a healthy life. Then you gather up your proof and lock it up in a safe place. See a lawyer and draw up divorce papers that basically takes him to the cleaners. Then make an appointment with a competent maritial counselor.

 

Then tell him you have proof of the affair and of him trickletruthing and gaslighting you and present him with the option of going to the counselor with you or signing the divorce papers. (be prepared that he may take the divorce option)

 

chances are he will take the counseling option, in which case present the proof to the counselor so he can't try to BS the counselor.

 

Then in the counseling present your demands for what it will take for you to remain married and to make it a good marriage. You can't just stay married so you can hurt and punish him. If you truly want to stay married and be happy, he is going to have to want to stay in the marriage and be healthy and happy too.

 

Hold the disclosure to his family and to her husband over his head as a bargaining chip.

[oldshirt]

 

Then once you know what the reality is, decide if you are willing to try to work on the marriage or just end it as cleanly as possible.

 

 

 

.

 

If after really thinking about what it will take to have a happy productive and healthy marriage once you realize the full truth, you may legitimately come to the conclusion that it will be better to just cut your losses and move on.

 

If you sincerely come to that conclusion then get your ducks in a row and in a single day, without telling him or giving him any warning, have your lawyer draw up all the divorce papers (this may actually take a number of days but what I am getting at is get your ducks in a row and all the prep work done and actually spring it in a day or so)

 

He who gets to the lawyer first and files first usually comes away with the better deal.

 

Then once you have your ducks in a row with the lawyers (and I recommend getting an accountant too) withdraw 50% of the money from all funds. take your name off any joint credit/bank cards and open up new lines of credit and have your ducks in a row to either move out of the house with the kids and into a new place or have him served with eviction notice at the same time he is served with the divorce papers.

 

then present your proof of the affair to her husband. If you want to deliver that with a load of his dirty underwear and socks and other laundry, that is fine LOL You want to nuke the affair from orbit and leave it a smoking hole in the ground, not to hurt them or humiliate them but rather to blow it up to break them of the fog of their affair so that he focuses on the divorce mediation with you and takes you and the divorce seriously. He will still be the father of your children and the more focused and serious he is during the divorce proceedings, the better off everyone will be down the road when all the dust has settled.

 

Then present the proof to his family. Not to harm him or smear his name with them but so that they understand why you are doing what you are doing and that they can see with their own eyes that he was the one who's actions lead to the divorce.

 

You can also present the proof to your family at this time as well and ask for their support but realize that if you ever do reconcile down the road that they will never fully trust or accept him nor with they ever support your reconciliation and marriage to him.

 

If you are truly set on divorce you want to make this as decisive and definitive action as possible. the more flatfooted you can catch him the more position of strength you will be in. Your goal is not to hurt him or destroy him but rather to be in charge of your own destiny and secure your own better future so that you can move on with as little pain and chaos as humanly possible.

 

the best way to do that is to proactive rather than reactive. If you are always two steps ahead and he is always trying to play catch-up ball, the better off you will be.

[oldshirt]

you have the advantage of time and planning on your side. He is blissfully enjoying having his cake and eating it too. He is busy enjoying his fantasy life with her and covering his tracks with you. He isn't really paying attention to what you are doing as long as you aren't sniffing around him.

 

You have time to plot your moves, make plans and get your ducks in a row.

 

When you spring the trap, he will be caught offguard and panicked. He will be desparately grasping at straws.

 

He will beg, plea, bargain, threaten and cry for foregiveness.

 

Whether you ultimately decide to divorce or reconcile, either way you want to be in the position of strength and to be proactive rather than reactive.

[eddyctv]

Im kind of thinking its NOT physical...if it was, would the husband be dumb enough to sit with her at parties, and run to help her with minor emergencies? If i was him, i'd stay away from her in public, so as not to arouse suspicion.

[oldshirt]

Im kind of thinking its NOT physical...if it was, would the husband be dumb enough to sit with her at parties, and run to help her with minor emergencies? If i was him, i'd stay away from her in public, so as not to arouse suspicion.

 

Affairs arent rational.

 

Men only go above and beyond the call of duty if there is poontang involved. Women only go above and beyond the call of duty is there strong emotional support and validation involved.

 

The examples cited here are all above and beyond the call of duty of a typical neighbor.

 

The question to ask in situations like this is, would he be doing these things if this neighbor was 300lbs, had a mustache, bad breath and BO and wasnt putting out?

[eddyctv]

Affairs arent rational.

 

Haha neither are most relationships!

 

Men only go above and beyond the call of duty if there is poontang involved.

 

I dont necessarily agree with that, but I do agree that men would be a lot quicker to help out a hot woman rather than an old hag. It doesn't necessarily mean he's doing her.

 

BUT...if it's annoying his wife, he SHOULD stop, obviously.

[oldshirt]

Haha neither are most relationships!

 

 

 

I dont necessarily agree with that, but I do agree that men would be a lot quicker to help out a hot woman rather than an old hag. It doesn't necessarily mean he's doing her.

 

.

 

If a guy is doing things for a particular woman that he would not typically do for/with a female relative, unattractive woman, or something he wouldnt do with his wife's blessings, he is either banging her or is hoping to bang her.....and she leading him to believe he CAN for some reason.

 

The litmus test is ask yourself if he would be doing all of this for any other woman where there is zero interest in or zero chance of anything sexual going on.

 

If he wouldnt do the same thing for the 250 lb nieghbor lady with the bunions, there is some extra incentive in it for him somewhere.

[cozycottagelg]

The fact that it makes you uncomfortable is a good enough reason for him to stop talking to her. Period.

 

There are a lot of assumptions in this thread...

 

It doesn't matter what he is doing or not doing, it matters that you care and have asked him to stop. The end.

[Try]

He says there is no more inappropriate communication and that should be enough for me. But my husband has all his electronic devices locked so I can't verify what he tells me.

All cheaters lie. Your husband is a cheater. Your husband is lying when he says that it is over. Your husband got caught cheating and is showing no remorse. Them still staying in touch and husband driving to help her for something small indicates that the EA is not over. The fact that everything is locked down only confirms it. Worse yet, since he never gave you full access, it may be physical too.

 

You were a doormat when you confronted. Once your husband crossed the line with her, there is no going back to them being just friends, ever. You must demand full no contact and full transparency including all passwords without complaint. There is no reason that they need to contact each other. If your child needs to play with her child, all contact must go through you or her husband can call your husband. Do not back down on this. Also, you need to tell her husband right now. Do not warn anyone that you are doing it before you do it. Do not let either of them try to make you fell guilty for telling the other woman's husband. Tell them that you want no part of deceiving her husband. Tell them that he has a right to know, and that you do not owe cheaters the obligation to go behind his back where everyone else knows, but keeps it a secret from him. Just because they feel no problem going behind his back, does not mean that you do. Tell them that you also do not believe that the EA is over, and that you want his help in making sure that it is. Cheaters try to make you think that you must prove to them that you are right before you can act. They are wrong. They must prove to you that they are not cheating, and your husband is not even trying to do that.

Edited July 24, 2013 by Try

[affairaddict]

yes hes gone underground. Locked devices? mine locks his turns his notifications off as soon as he is home, and All our 9000 messages are in his archive folder. The pattern i see is wife gets suspicious, they cool it for a while, but then they are back and just more careful.

 

demand you see his phone , facebook, emails etc.. they just get more clever i can assure you. Also if you think something is wrong, you are usually right.