4 months Separated...what now?

[BornAgain]

Hi all dear friends,

 

Its so fantastic to read everyone's experiences and the support given here, you have no idea how important its been for me.

 

Admittedly I've been at my wits' end trying to figure out what to do, so many what ifs, that I'm sure the community can give me some direction.

 

Just a brief summary....

 

I'm Asian and my wife is Asian too, I'm 35 and she's 29. We got married 6 months after knowing each other 8 years ago (yes i know, bad sign), and migrated here to Australia from our home country 5 years ago. We have no kids.

 

In short, she moved out (without my consent or any discussion) 4 months ago, and is staying with a female colleague from work. Her reasons:

 

1) Gradual neglect over many years

2) Living like room mates rather than spouses

3) She wanted to start a family but I kept putting it off, in favour of building our finances

4) She suspected some sort of indiscretion on my part (but nothing happened)

5) i had a sever porn addiction which i am aware off, but in recent times has gotten worse.

 

 

Right now, she is waiting for me to take action to dissolve our assets however is firm about not coming back, nor working on our marriage. In her words, she is "done".

 

On my part, we used to support our house mortgage together but now, I'm left holding the fort...I can do this indefinitely even though it means I can't save and all my resources go into the mortgage.

 

In these months, I've taken extreme steps...I've gone for psychological counselling on the porn, and am undergoing Christian marital counselling (by myself) as a born again Christian. This she knows of, but refuses to participate (my pastor has called her), she is firm on the separation and divorce. Apparently she has thought of this for many months.

 

Currently my contact with her is limited to the occasional phone call and sms regarding financial matters (we still have joint assets, transactions, her mail still comes to the house which I forward to her office). She has refused to tell me her address so I am lost there....I only know her work details, and her mobile.

 

Initially in the first couple of weeks of her leaving I tried everything...going to her workplace, getting our families involved, and nothing worked. So its now at a stalemate where she's waiting for me to give up, and talk to her about the division of assets, and I'm holding on, waiting for her to soften her hard stance.

 

Throughout these few months I've done my own soul searching and I know i can do better...my Church is very supportive and I've been really busy helping in Church activities, building more of a social circle etc.

 

I know I need to do something to change the status quo, but what? Like a shock to the system...I have Divorce Remedy but I can't really understand a 180 from my situation...if I go No Contact (this drives her crazy, the last time I did this-I was REALLY busy-she called multiple times one day to pressurize me to take action on the house) it still doesnt lead me anywhere. Besides, 1 of the reasons she cited was neglect....won't No Contact just be an extension of that?

 

Ultimately, I know what she feels is right in her eyes, I just want to find a way to SHOW her the changes I've gone through, our limited communication makes this hard.

 

I'll add other details as we go along...but for now, I would really appreciate any feedback.

 

Thanks everyone...I'm chugging along as best as I can.

[TigerCub]

As someone who has been with a man that chooses porn over real sex with their partner, I can't blame her for wanting to leave you.

 

I wanted and got out too.

 

You have no idea what you did to her.

You say that you can see how she thinks she's right in her mind, but you're not really owning up to how emotionally abusive that is.

 

I have absolutely no problem with porn I wouldn't care if my partner looked at it, but I care when they choose the f**k themselves to that all the time while neglecting the relationship.

 

I'm guessing that your obsession with porn made you neglectful, caused her to feel like crap, caused her to doubt her self worth, showed her what your real priorities are.

 

So why shouldn't she want out?

Why should she keep investing in a relationship with someone that was so willing to hurt her and neglect her?

 

Why do you think you deserve a second chance?

 

It's good that you're seeing a therapist and trying to better yourself, but it may be too late.

 

Even if she took you back, I think there would be some resentment there and anytime you turn to porn it will just open up her scars.

 

The sad thing is, I'm sure she talked to you about how she needed more intimacy from you, how she wanted you to slow down with the porn many times before she decided to leave and it only took her leaving to get you to take things seriously.

 

I admit, I'm most likely biased in my response because I have been on her side of things, and I can't imagine being with that person again, I deserve better and being with them would only destroy my self esteem.

 

I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that it may be too late because too much emotional pain has already been inflicted through the years.

 

I'm honestly not against you, I commend you for getting help, but I just don't see if she will bring herself to go back to all that (because even if you are trying to change, all she remembers is how badly you made her feel).

[ryta]

How can a woman compete with porn? I'm sure she must feel she can never measure up to your desires. If porn is more addicting than your love for her. Let her go. Don't try to have your cake & eat it too. Porn is cheating.

[loyalwife]

What do you want her back for? You never once mention in your post that you love her, miss her or even still attracted to her. Sell the house and buy a new one with smaller mortgage. She waited 8 years in a hope that she would one day become the mother of your child! Wake up, apologize for wasting her time and abusing her emotionally and let her go. She deserves a real man who can satisfy her in bed, loves her and appreciates her for who she is. And you, you deserve what you love. PORN PORN PORN.

Note: I love porn too but I am almost always ready for hubby!