Originally Posted by Johnnyrocker76
Thanks to all for the advice...very helpful. I have suggested counseling, both for her individually and for us together. Her response is that we don't need counseling because it is me that needs to change. Any specific advice on how to successfully get us into counseling to work through the underlying issues that seem to plague every fight?
You didn't answer my questions in the post.
They were important because they may have helped you find a way to force her hand on this issue.
What she is doing right now [saying that you need to change for both of you to be in a better place] is her actually rationalizing it all and projecting it on you. Her mind is protecting her from 'feeling bad' by making you the guilty party in all of this.
This is PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, and it is on par with physical abuse if not worse.
Your kids are being subjected to this during their forming yrs and it will affect them.
If she can control herself out in public, then you might need to videotape/record her outbursts [maybe in a hidden way] and see if these tapes can be used as proof in the court. But do not string her along in these outbursts, do not escalate it all ... let her do it.
To force her hand to deal with these issues you will need to do something drastic, because if you live in a western country it's likely that psychological abuse of the husband will be laughed at.
You might need to sue for divorce and use these tapes as proof of the abuse you and your kids have been subjected to.
If she truly will not see a therapist, then you have no other choice and it is your responsability as a parent to do something about it.
Also talk with a lawyer and a therapist about this plan, but be discreet, because if she can control herself in public ... a crying woman on the stand is a very very powerfull enemy to have.
Above all else, you need to understand that if she harms your kids she is not your misguided wife, she becomes your enemy and you need to fight that enemy to protect said kids.
Originally Posted by Feelin Frisky
This is very prevalent unfortunately. I have two married brothers and they have the same story. I myself have chosen bachelorhood rather than risking being married and having kids with someone who will show me contempt. My mother showed my dad contempt and I swore I'd never have that. The only way things can get better is if she points the finger at herself and admits that she doesn't handle things well--she adds intensity and proportions that are unhealthful and toxic. If she doesn't volunteer to take responsibility for her extremes, any attempt to push her to will likely meet with hardened defense that she's always justified. I don't know how men cope with this. My answer has always been "buh bye".
They cope with this because of a number of issues :
- abuse coming from women and directed towards men is not seen as something serious
- the attitude to the above mentioned abuse is to 'tough it up' and 'be a man'
- there is no support system for men who are either physically or psychologically abused, look up how much the US gov spends each yr to help female victims of abuse vs how much is spent for male victims of abuse
I even heard horror stories of abused men being directed to homeless shelters
- a huge ammount of guilt that is projected on young men about women in the past having been 2nd class citizens, some of today's women just like the entitlement that comes along
Compare this with other times when a population was abused by other ppl in the modern history of the world and what effect it had on how ppl viewed them.
The issues are complex tbh, and this is why boundaries need to be enforced well and men must know their rights.
My cousin is in the same situation as your brothers btw, he is getting divorced right now and his MIL and his Wife constantly yell at him 'you will never get to see your kid, you ****ing moron' ... we can't record here without permission and even then it's not admisable in court.