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Wife has anger issues


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Old 29th May 2012, 10:12 PM   #1
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Wife has anger issues

I have been married for five years and I am at a loss about how to handle my current situation. My wife has serious anger management issues -- she literally loses her mind when she gets upset about something and becomes very verbally abusive and irrational. The problem is that the underlying "source" of the [over]reaction is her holding onto things she's been mad at me about since we were dating. In short, I am the source of her underlying anger and the trigger (however small) for her reaction. Now we have kids and the reactions have only gotten worse and the likelihood of one of us walking away is much more difficult to fathom. I'd like to chalk it up to reacting to stressful situations, but I am starting to think we need to seek counseling to work through the underlying issues that result in such explosive reactions. Any advice?
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Old 30th May 2012, 2:12 AM   #2
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I have been married for five years and I am at a loss about how to handle my current situation. My wife has serious anger management issues -- she literally loses her mind when she gets upset about something and becomes very verbally abusive and irrational. The problem is that the underlying "source" of the [over]reaction is her holding onto things she's been mad at me about since we were dating. In short, I am the source of her underlying anger and the trigger (however small) for her reaction. Now we have kids and the reactions have only gotten worse and the likelihood of one of us walking away is much more difficult to fathom. I'd like to chalk it up to reacting to stressful situations, but I am starting to think we need to seek counseling to work through the underlying issues that result in such explosive reactions. Any advice?
Sounds like you are being abused, you need to get a therapist because after all these yrs, you are now damaged as well.
This kind of thing will be an example to your kids, your son may want a woman like his mom and your daughter may want to be like his mom, do you think their mom is in a right place to be ?

Is her behaviour out in the open with other ppl or is the family the only ones who get to witness this ?
Does she accept the fact that she has these issues and has she tried to work on them ?
What country do you live in ?
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Old 30th May 2012, 9:23 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Johnnyrocker76 View Post
I have been married for five years and I am at a loss about how to handle my current situation. My wife has serious anger management issues -- she literally loses her mind when she gets upset about something and becomes very verbally abusive and irrational. The problem is that the underlying "source" of the [over]reaction is her holding onto things she's been mad at me about since we were dating. In short, I am the source of her underlying anger and the trigger (however small) for her reaction. Now we have kids and the reactions have only gotten worse and the likelihood of one of us walking away is much more difficult to fathom. I'd like to chalk it up to reacting to stressful situations, but I am starting to think we need to seek counseling to work through the underlying issues that result in such explosive reactions. Any advice?
I agree with the others on this...
you are not the source of her underlying anger. My husband had anger issues, and he claimed that mistakes I made in the beginnings of the relationship were the reason he blew things out of proportion and was so sensitive. I do think you should go to counselling to help with self esteem... i'm not sure if it has taken a toll on you, but it did on me over just a year and i can't imagine how it couldn't take a toll on someone over the years. I eventually gave my husband an ultimatum that he HAD to go to anger management. I think your wife needs to do the same to put things into perspective and get to the actual "sources" or root causes of her anger issues and help her to deal with them better. I'll bet deep down she wants to be able to deal with her anger better she just doesn't know how to!
It has helped my husband A LOT, so i highly recommend it.
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Old 31st May 2012, 1:42 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by Johnnyrocker76 View Post
I have been married for five years and I am at a loss about how to handle my current situation. My wife has serious anger management issues -- she literally loses her mind when she gets upset about something and becomes very verbally abusive and irrational. The problem is that the underlying "source" of the [over]reaction is her holding onto things she's been mad at me about since we were dating. In short, I am the source of her underlying anger and the trigger (however small) for her reaction. Now we have kids and the reactions have only gotten worse and the likelihood of one of us walking away is much more difficult to fathom. I'd like to chalk it up to reacting to stressful situations, but I am starting to think we need to seek counseling to work through the underlying issues that result in such explosive reactions. Any advice?
Counselling is a must. The kids are seeing this and it's not healthy for them to be around and also they are learning from her! As wrong as it is how she's reacting and freaking out, that's not the norm but your kids see their mom acting this way and who knows if they will pick up on bad habits and do the same (either now or in the future.).

Be tough with your wife and talk to her family to help get her to counselling.
Also a Dr appt too, is it possible she's bi polar?
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Old 31st May 2012, 11:02 PM   #5
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I am in a similar situation except I am the Angry wife. My husband was finally fed up with it and left two days ago. My opinion on it is have her in counseling, tell her what you want to change, and when she makes an effort notice it. Tell her you can't put up with it and its not fair for you nor the kids. Give her a time period to start seeing a change. If you love her you will at least try to do everything before ending it. I wish my husband would have did this.
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Old 1st June 2012, 12:06 PM   #6
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I am in a similar situation except I am the Angry wife. My husband was finally fed up with it and left two days ago. My opinion on it is have her in counseling, tell her what you want to change, and when she makes an effort notice it. Tell her you can't put up with it and its not fair for you nor the kids. Give her a time period to start seeing a change. If you love her you will at least try to do everything before ending it. I wish my husband would have did this.
Thanks to all for the advice...very helpful. I have suggested counseling, both for her individually and for us together. Her response is that we don't need counseling because it is me that needs to change. Any specific advice on how to successfully get us into counseling to work through the underlying issues that seem to plague every fight?
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Old 1st June 2012, 12:36 PM   #7
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Thanks to all for the advice...very helpful. I have suggested counseling, both for her individually and for us together. Her response is that we don't need counseling because it is me that needs to change. Any specific advice on how to successfully get us into counseling to work through the underlying issues that seem to plague every fight?


With me, the reason I am so bitter and rude to my husband I would blame on him too. I wouldn't get attention like I wanted, sex was maybe once every two weeks. Its not your fault, you may have contributed some of her feeling neglected or unloved. (I don't know the situation with y'all I can only speak from mine). Also with the kids situation is she a stay at home mom? I was a stay at home step mom and sometimes the stress of kids really takes a toll on a person. But she does have the responsibility to tell you how she feels, If she has been feeling this way she may be resentful towards you, that's when it gets harder. Things she loved about you now annoy her, she may push you further away. If you are up for it, try counseling alone for a bit. After you get comfortable ask her to go with you. You really have to open her eyes and let her know that you can not stay in this type of relationship. Try not to bring it up at a stressful time so it wont cause her to feel like she is backed into a corner. Let her know you are willing to stay and fight for this marriage to work, but she has to fight with you. It won't work if you are the only one putting forth the effort.
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Old 13th June 2012, 3:05 PM   #8
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I had the same problem. My wife would throw a huge, berserk, screaming temper tantrum about once or twice a month. She would not discuss her anger issues except to say, "it wouldn't be a problem if you weren't always provoking me." Our kids lived in terror of these explosions.

She eventually went to a psychiatrist -- not because of her anger, but to deal with grief after a death in the family. The psychiatrist prescribed an antidepressant ... and wonder of wonders, her temper simply went away. Now, when something isn't going well or we're arguing, she maintains an icy calm.
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Old 13th June 2012, 4:23 PM   #9
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This is very prevalent unfortunately. I have two married brothers and they have the same story. I myself have chosen bachelorhood rather than risking being married and having kids with someone who will show me contempt. My mother showed my dad contempt and I swore I'd never have that. The only way things can get better is if she points the finger at herself and admits that she doesn't handle things well--she adds intensity and proportions that are unhealthful and toxic. If she doesn't volunteer to take responsibility for her extremes, any attempt to push her to will likely meet with hardened defense that she's always justified. I don't know how men cope with this. My answer has always been "buh bye".
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Old 14th June 2012, 4:05 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Johnnyrocker76 View Post
Thanks to all for the advice...very helpful. I have suggested counseling, both for her individually and for us together. Her response is that we don't need counseling because it is me that needs to change. Any specific advice on how to successfully get us into counseling to work through the underlying issues that seem to plague every fight?
You didn't answer my questions in the post.
They were important because they may have helped you find a way to force her hand on this issue.
What she is doing right now [saying that you need to change for both of you to be in a better place] is her actually rationalizing it all and projecting it on you. Her mind is protecting her from 'feeling bad' by making you the guilty party in all of this.
This is PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, and it is on par with physical abuse if not worse.
Your kids are being subjected to this during their forming yrs and it will affect them.

If she can control herself out in public, then you might need to videotape/record her outbursts [maybe in a hidden way] and see if these tapes can be used as proof in the court. But do not string her along in these outbursts, do not escalate it all ... let her do it.
To force her hand to deal with these issues you will need to do something drastic, because if you live in a western country it's likely that psychological abuse of the husband will be laughed at.
You might need to sue for divorce and use these tapes as proof of the abuse you and your kids have been subjected to.
If she truly will not see a therapist, then you have no other choice and it is your responsability as a parent to do something about it.
Also talk with a lawyer and a therapist about this plan, but be discreet, because if she can control herself in public ... a crying woman on the stand is a very very powerfull enemy to have.

Above all else, you need to understand that if she harms your kids she is not your misguided wife, she becomes your enemy and you need to fight that enemy to protect said kids.

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Originally Posted by Feelin Frisky View Post
This is very prevalent unfortunately. I have two married brothers and they have the same story. I myself have chosen bachelorhood rather than risking being married and having kids with someone who will show me contempt. My mother showed my dad contempt and I swore I'd never have that. The only way things can get better is if she points the finger at herself and admits that she doesn't handle things well--she adds intensity and proportions that are unhealthful and toxic. If she doesn't volunteer to take responsibility for her extremes, any attempt to push her to will likely meet with hardened defense that she's always justified. I don't know how men cope with this. My answer has always been "buh bye".
They cope with this because of a number of issues :
- abuse coming from women and directed towards men is not seen as something serious
- the attitude to the above mentioned abuse is to 'tough it up' and 'be a man'
- there is no support system for men who are either physically or psychologically abused, look up how much the US gov spends each yr to help female victims of abuse vs how much is spent for male victims of abuse
I even heard horror stories of abused men being directed to homeless shelters
- a huge ammount of guilt that is projected on young men about women in the past having been 2nd class citizens, some of today's women just like the entitlement that comes along
Compare this with other times when a population was abused by other ppl in the modern history of the world and what effect it had on how ppl viewed them.

The issues are complex tbh, and this is why boundaries need to be enforced well and men must know their rights.
My cousin is in the same situation as your brothers btw, he is getting divorced right now and his MIL and his Wife constantly yell at him 'you will never get to see your kid, you ****ing moron' ... we can't record here without permission and even then it's not admisable in court.
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Last edited by Radu; 14th June 2012 at 4:13 AM..
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Old 15th June 2012, 1:59 PM   #11
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Hi

I used to have anger issues and it was because all I had in my life were negative, hurtful people. I wasn't good enough or couldn't do this or that right. I was always told that I was horrible daughter, wife, mother and so on. One day, after a huge fight with my husband, I decided the hell with it, I'm outta here and haven't looked back since. I cut my family, in-laws and almost my husband out of my life and couldn't feel better. My confidence soared. I got a promotion, made new friends, became a better mother and enjoy my life now. My husband worked through his side of things and is also a much better husband and father. My children rarely have contact with their grandparents but, it is what it is. I no longer live to please others but do what I think is best for my family. I have been judged harshly for my decisions but do not and will never regret them. I was so meek, shy and beat down by these evil women. I was afraid to be the cheerful, happy, positive person that I truly am. They made me doubt everything I ever did as a parent, worker or individual.

Find out the real source of your wife's anger. I'm willing to bet that it's ****ty family. Limit contact with these people as much as possible and she will one day start to heal. Don't waste your time and money on therapy until the negativity is gone. I been through a lot of therapy and it never did a thing for me.
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