Wife isn't interested any more

[johngrey]

I'm going through a pretty tough time at the moment. I've been with my wife for about 10 years and married for 2.5 years. We were going to have kids but found out it wasn't going to be straight forward and my wife has stopped hugging me etc saying that I didn't seem to care about her properly and that I've been annoying her over the last 6 weeks.

 

I'm not very good at communicating and last night when I tried talking to her about it she said she was considering leaving me and that I made it a lot worse by talking. She's been out all day in the city and is avoiding me and a week or so ago she just left and stayed at her brothers place overnight.

 

I don't know what I can do and I'm desperate to stop her from leaving, I only just managed to convince her to stay at home last night. I feel like I'm going out of my mind and I'm very very tired from lack of sleep etc. I have told her I'm sorry and really meant it but it seems like I'm too late.

 

Basically, does anyone have any ideas on what I can do?! I don't want to let her go, I love her very much.

 

ps - sorry this post is a bit brief, I'm expecting her to return any minute now and don't want her to see this.

Edited May 14, 2011 by johngrey
added a note

[giotto]

not to stick my nose in it, but why isn't it "straightforward" to have children? Any particular reason? Physical? Can't have them? Without this vital piece of information, we are missing a big chunk and the reason why your wife seems to be upset with you.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

It seems like there's a major component missing from this story, so it's hard to really advise you. Why are you sorry, what did you do to make her so cold toward you?

[crazycatlady]

I have to second the others...more info is needed.

 

However, not being able to have kids can over stress a marriage. When you start meeting together intimately but not for the joy of being together but for the "job" of producing children, the marriage can suffer for it. One side or the other stops feeling they attract their other partner because it now feels like the main way to show affection is a job and not something the other person really wants to do. Trust me, if there is a way to take something the wrong way, a woman feeling unloved is going to take it that way. Especially if you have added hormones to the mix and most struggling couples, the female is taking hormone suppliments...Those darn things screw with our heads at the normal levels, can you imagine what extra does to us?

 

You making it worse for talking might be because she wants to be able to make her decision without YOU affecting her. Which I think is kinda bogus. You do need to talk to her. If you need to arrange a third party to help facilitate this discussion (pick a councilor that has experience with infertility issues, it will probably come up). Tell her you want to talk, tell her you are serious, and are willing to do it with someone to help the two of you talk fairly to each other, tell her you will set it all up, it won't be one more thing for her to do. And then give her the time. Even if she won't go, go a head and go yourself, you might feel better having someone to talk to about what's going on too.

[johngrey]

Sorry my original post was so brief, I was under pressure to get it written quick.

 

To re-iterate.

 

I'm 29, my wife is 28 and we've been married 2 years, together since 2001. We've been living together for about 6 years now.

 

Late last year we started trying for kids, and about 4 months ago we discovered my wife has polycystic ovarian syndrome meaning it's difficult (but not impossible) to conceive. This is what kicked all our problems off.

 

Basically when I got the phone call from my wife of her telling me this was the problem I was like 'Don't worry about it too much, we can get past it etc..' which she interpreted as 'I don't care'. In hindsight, sure maybe I was too flippant about it, I was just trying to make it into a small problem rather than start saying we're doomed.

 

About a month ago my wife came home and said she was going to stay with her brother for a few days and kind of exploded saying I didn't show her enough love or affection and that I haven't been caring for her and that I never do anything around the house or any cooking etc.. which totally stunned me. We never having any falling outs or anything and 99% of the time we're really cool and have a lot of fun together so this was a total shock to me. Anyway, that night I went to her brothers to try and convince her to come home - she didn't, but she did come back the next day and I said I never meant to be so useless, apologising etc.etc.. and things were sort of ok.

 

I say sort of ok because she didn't seem the same since, and I got a lot of the cold shoulder, not even a hug although I managed to get a few kisses in - this is where I really started to get quite upset.

 

Anyway, this weekend we went to our local pub, I got a little bit drunk (stupid me..) and decided to discuss our problems when we got home - that ended in a big falling out and I only just managed to keep her at home but I had to sleep in the spare room. That was on Friday. During our talk on friday she said she didn't know how she felt and that she was considering leaving me. Ever since this began I've been doing absolutely everything I can to make her happy - flowers, cleaning, cooking, trying to act normal etc.. nothing appears to be working.

 

During our discussion on Friday I asked her is she'd go to councelling she said no, and was generally very, very upset about the whole thing.

 

I don't know what to do, I don't want to lose my wife as I love her and really want to spend the rest of my life with her, have kids etc. I honestly can't believe it's come to this and it's slowly killing me - I often think about things during the day and have to hold back the tears a bit which is really tough.

 

Oh, and she was also really upset (this was a key point) that I never seem to have an opinion or share my emotions. I said to her that's because I don't feel emotional or have an opinion most of the time - I'm quite a simple guy. Anyway, she really hates that about me I think.

 

So yeah, it's now Monday evening where I am, she's still at work and we are on talking terms, but it's very weird and very painful. I don't know what to do.

 

Re me getting counceling, I'm not sure that'll help, I get the impression it might make my wife feel worse (most stuff doesn't seem to be helping.)

 

I'll re-read what you guys have said as even this post has been a bit rushed (don't want wife to see me doing this.)

 

Any thoughts guys? I'll do whatever it takes.

[johngrey]

@crazycatlady - One of my problems is I'm not a good talker, more of a listener. I don't really know what to say as I just feel this is a really out of place situation for her and for us. Any pointers would help a lot! When I say what comes into my head it's normally just strange babble - emotions confuse my thoughts.

[giotto]

well, she is obviously very upset about her condition and the thought of not being able to have kids is surely devastating. Her reaction is understandable, but she needs to know that you are part of the marriage too and that not being able to have children affects you too. She clearly needs some counselling to cope. I hope you can convince her.

[crazycatlady]

She is fairly young and sounds very typically female and you are fairly young and admit to being typically male. A lot of those issues are communication issues.

 

I think by saying you want to go to counciling she is proceiving that you think there is something wrong with her. And not that you want help in learning to communicate to her. She needs to know you are upset and being calm about it isn't going to help. Her world has collapsed on her. A woman being told she can't have kids? I can't imagine the pain of that. Also POCS can I believe cause depression - if you haven't, look it up and see what it is about, and what is said about it.

 

Try sharing your emotions. You say you don't know them. Well, you do. You are upset, scared, unsure, frightened, sad...all those things come across in your posting. Just allow yourself to give voice to them. Don't let her think she is the only one lost here.

[giotto]

Yes, obviously she is not getting an emotional reaction from you, so she thinks you don't really care. Maybe you should open up more and discuss your emotions with her. You need to be together in this. And she needs support. From you.

 

 

She is fairly young and sounds very typically female and you are fairly young and admit to being typically male. A lot of those issues are communication issues.

 

I think by saying you want to go to counciling she is proceiving that you think there is something wrong with her. And not that you want help in learning to communicate to her. She needs to know you are upset and being calm about it isn't going to help. Her world has collapsed on her. A woman being told she can't have kids? I can't imagine the pain of that. Also POCS can I believe cause depression - if you haven't, look it up and see what it is about, and what is said about it.

 

Try sharing your emotions. You say you don't know them. Well, you do. You are upset, scared, unsure, frightened, sad...all those things come across in your posting. Just allow yourself to give voice to them. Don't let her think she is the only one lost here.

[oldguy]

Most relationship counselling starts off with one party & since what your doing isn't working I wouldn't assume counselling "probably wouldn't help".

You might want to tell her that YOU want to get help so you can communicate better & recognize feelings. Us guys DO have feelings, we are just conditioned from a very early age to ignore them. It's amazing how easy that is to change, the difficult part is usually how to deal with feelings once we start to notice them.

[grace2011]

After several years of being with someone, she might just need some time off. Time to think, to miss you, to realize how compatible you two are. Don't show your desperation instead show her you're willing to work through this with her. Try and keep busy.

 

This is what i would want from my boyfriend, hope it helps.

[Jackshadow]

Just a thought or two.

 

My wife has PCOS. I knew that going into our marriage, and since I'm in the medical field, I knew that children were not going to figure into our future together. She also explained what PCOS does to her, which varies somewhat from woman to woman, which I found helpful. As noted, depression is certainly a common theme with PCOS. A question, though; was she diagnosed after she met you, or before? Reason I ask is, women with PCOS tend to have a number of symptoms that a doctor would have picked up on during normal exams. If she knew before you were married, then she also knew that children would be a problem. Not to say she isn't mourning that now, since having a partner makes that a pretty firm reality for her.

 

You mention her criticising you for not doing things around the house, caring for her, etc. Is that true? Objectively, were you being helpful, affectionate, etc, before things went awry? Keep in mind, this might not be about you, but she may be stating those things because she's upset about something else entirely. People are really, really good at misdirection when it comes to difficult subjects, so apologizing yourself silly and taking on every household task possible may not solve the underlying problem. As suggested, counceling for both of you would be helpful, in the beginning separate sessions with the same therapist, then joint sessions when appropriate.

 

Hang tough!

[bigmomma1974]

she has to be struggling with the fact it may be impossible to not have children and you just kinda brushed it off as it wasnt a big thing, which in fact is a big thing because you b oth where trying to have a child. Your wife sounds alot like how i was when i struggled with issues i didnt know how to address, she puts all the blame on you and say you dont care and this and that.married cpouples share the responsibilities at home especially if oyu both work.apperently she is hurting deep deep down and she does need to talk to someone about all of this.it takes 2 to make and break a marriage and communiation is the key to keeping a marriage alive you both have to give and take. I would sit her down and explain exactly how you feel about everything that is going on and I also would ask her to share her thoughts. GL

[giotto]

she has to be struggling with the fact it may be impossible to not have children and you just kinda brushed it off as it wasnt a big thing, which in fact is a big thing because you b oth where trying to have a child. Your wife sounds alot like how i was when i struggled with issues i didnt know how to address, she puts all the blame on you and say you dont care and this and that.married cpouples share the responsibilities at home especially if oyu both work.apperently she is hurting deep deep down and she does need to talk to someone about all of this.it takes 2 to make and break a marriage and communiation is the key to keeping a marriage alive you both have to give and take. I would sit her down and explain exactly how you feel about everything that is going on and I also would ask her to share her thoughts. GL

 

I don't think he brushed it off and he didn't say he didn't care... he gave that impression because he is not very good at communicating his feelings. BIG difference.

[johngrey]

Wow, thanks for all your input everyone - I really appreciate it, especially the words of encouragement.

 

It's been a very tough few weeks, my wife won't show me any affection - hugs aren't returned, kisses are reduced to pecks. I tried to talk to her a little bit last night and said I was very sad at the moment and that it's not been a good few weeks but she doesn't seem very keen on talking. I didn't really give it a good shot, as I just feel emotionally drained. I need to talk to her properly but I worry that she'll tell me she wants to leave me or something - I don't think I could handle that.

 

On top of everything else, two of my grandparents have just died which sucks. What's worse is I think my wife keeps expecting me to burst into tears about it but that's just not me.

 

I seem to be getting angry with the situation which is upsetting me a bit Two months ago our relationship was great.

[giotto]

sorry to hear about your grandparents... as far as your marriage is concerned, I think you will have to have that conversation at some point...

 

 

Wow, thanks for all your input everyone - I really appreciate it, especially the words of encouragement.

 

It's been a very tough few weeks, my wife won't show me any affection - hugs aren't returned, kisses are reduced to pecks. I tried to talk to her a little bit last night and said I was very sad at the moment and that it's not been a good few weeks but she doesn't seem very keen on talking. I didn't really give it a good shot, as I just feel emotionally drained. I need to talk to her properly but I worry that she'll tell me she wants to leave me or something - I don't think I could handle that.

 

On top of everything else, two of my grandparents have just died which sucks. What's worse is I think my wife keeps expecting me to burst into tears about it but that's just not me.

 

I seem to be getting angry with the situation which is upsetting me a bit Two months ago our relationship was great.

[zlatnapolja]

Wow, thanks for all your input everyone - I really appreciate it, especially the words of encouragement.

 

It's been a very tough few weeks, my wife won't show me any affection - hugs aren't returned, kisses are reduced to pecks. I tried to talk to her a little bit last night and said I was very sad at the moment and that it's not been a good few weeks but she doesn't seem very keen on talking. I didn't really give it a good shot, as I just feel emotionally drained. I need to talk to her properly but I worry that she'll tell me she wants to leave me or something - I don't think I could handle that.

 

On top of everything else, two of my grandparents have just died which sucks. What's worse is I think my wife keeps expecting me to burst into tears about it but that's just not me.

 

I seem to be getting angry with the situation which is upsetting me a bit Two months ago our relationship was great.

 

 

O dear Johngrey, I feel for you so badly. I don't know your situation, but for as far as you tell me, your wife feels extremly lonely.. I would like to point out that I can tell by what you're writing that you love her very much.

 

My condolences for having to loose your grandparents, on top of all the other things going on in your life!

 

I dont know the entire situation, but I recognize some of it.

I'll tell you one of my worst characteristics.. I'm a rational person at times, but on the other hand I'm extremly emotional, especialy when I'm 'under the influence' of extra hormones (anticonceptives, maybe your wife gets hormones too because of the fertilityproblems?, menstruation, pregnancy etc). At times like that I can interprete things in such a wrong way.. And like your wife, I have a very strong need to see emotions (happy emotions sad emotions..) because for some reason when my significant other shows me these emotions, it makes me feel like he's letting me into his heart.. And having childeren is one of the biggest dreams of every woman.

 

The way your telling us about your problems actually shows a lot of emotion, and it's very pure. You're a good man.

 

If possible, try to talk to your wife in this way. We can see that you care, you know that you care, you're wife can't see it right now..

 

I don't think it's hopeless, but look for a way to make her let you in again. Maybe by writing a letter, not just about how you feel about her.. But how the whole situation with trying to concieve made you feel and in the letter you can explain to her that the fact that you don't show emotions, doesn't mean you don't have them. Communication is really important, and by writing her a letter she sees that you've really taken the time to think about everything.

 

I don't have all the answers, I'm just talking from my own expirience, all the best off luck to you (and your wife)!

[johngrey]

Thanks for your advice guys. I actually came home last night and started talking to my wife about the situation and we talked over dinner.

 

She said she's very confused and that we're very different people. I said that I was here for her and then she replied with "I'm not sure I want you to be here for me." which was pretty scary. It sucks, but at least I managed to get her to talk to me.

 

I then went to my brother in laws house and spoke to him, he said he doesn't understand what's going on with her either but that I should try and just put the fun back into our relationship - go out for dinner or away for weekend or something. Not sure if a weekend away is a good idea, but I'll have a think about that.

 

Also, last night my wife said she felt she had changed a lot since this has all happened. It's very confusing and very tiring. Still, I'm hoping that by talking last night we made some kind of progress...it's hard to tell, maybe it made things worse but no voices were raised.

 

The conversation last night kind of drifted into silence at the end, but it was hard to think of anything to say after she said "I'm not sure I want you to be here for me."

 

Anyone have any more advice?

 

My brother in law said I need to stop being afraid of what could happen, which frightens the sh*t out of me - but perhaps he's right.

[johngrey]

Well, things have got progressively worse unfortunately. My wife has spent most of her time trying to avoid me and avoid talking to me which makes it pretty much impossible to talk to her.

 

I've taken your advice zlatnapolja while she's out this evening playing netball and written her a letter. It *is* much easier to write a letter explaining how I feel and all that stuff. I feel I'm quite good at writing too, so hopefully that'll work or at least open a door to things getting better. In the letter I said that I will go to concelling myself to see if I can sort out my problem with dealing with my feelings if that's what it'll take.

 

I feel maybe I'm too late, but like I said to my brother in law, all I can do is try. If I lose her and I tried my hardest then at least I'll only be miserable without regrets of how it ended.

 

Man this sucks, but at least writing things down made me feel a bit better. I'll be sure to come back on here if things improve and spread the good news.

 

Good luck to everyone else in their relationships. Relationships are damn hard work sometimes.

[John Michael Kane]

You might want to check covertly and see if there's a "third party".

[zlatnapolja]

I think she's extremly lucky to have you, but just feeling lost. i realy hope it works out! Let me know how it goes. You're story made me so sad, but it sort of made me feel good too because you seem like such a sweet man! Go for it!

[johngrey]

Thanks guys.

 

Well anyway yesterday she told me what's really been going on. She told me all the things from the last 10 years that have been annoying her that she apparently couldn't let go of. She's been carrying resentment for me around for 10 years and has just had enough. I didn't argue with her.

 

I'm pretty sure it's over, she was *adamant* that she didn't want to go to counselling and didn't want to try and work things out.

 

I'm just trying to keep positive...mostly by keeping busy and even just writing this message. Last night I slept in the spare room - she told me she can't stand me touching her or being with her.. not very nice but she meant it and wasn't trying to be nasty.

 

I don't really know what to do next. I think the only option I have left is to give her some space, but I don't even know how to go about that. We both moved to Australia about 3.5 years ago and I don't really have many good friends I can stay with..

 

I feel a bit lost and lonely really.

 

John.

[giotto]

Sorry to hear that, John. Leave her some space, yes. I suppose the news that it would be difficult to have children was the last straw for her. Not a very pleasant situation to be in, for both of you. Maybe with time, she'll come around? Doesn't seem to me she is thinking straight at the moment.

[Karmen_yardenshalev]

I think counselling would be a good start for you - just because she doesn't want to do it doesn't mean you can't work on yourself.

 

Some women are grudge holders, Im afraid- I know a few of them.

 

Try to sit down with her and say "you hold the cards. Whatever you want to do, I will respect that" because it takes two people to make a relationship work and if one of those people don't want to work to make things better- you no longer have a marriage.

 

Try taking a vacation somewhere calming and figure out what it is that you want and remember who you are.

 

Sometimes, John, people just fall out of love- maybe you should start showing her that you want to fight to keep her- perhapse the whole thing that is missing in your marriage is you and what you think and feel.

 

I hope things get better for you, my friend

Edited May 31, 2011 by Karmen_yardenshalev

[zlatnapolja]

Sorry to hear that. Seems like it wasn't just you that wasn't talking about their feelings.. resentment comes from unresolved issues. Really sucks you don't many ppl there. If things get worse, maybe you can fly back, or have someone that youre close to over to Australia.. You've really done all you could do.. You can of course try counseling it's a realy good idea because a 3rd and objective person may be better at helping you guys, but if your wife doesn't want to.. Could be that she's very unhappy about the infertility situation and that because of it she sees everything in a darker light. Good luck John! Try (if possible) to distract yourself, must be really tough on both of you!