Husband Boundaries with Ex-wife

[WonderingWhatIf]

Hi All! I have been lurking on LS for a little while, but this is my first post. I will try to keep it as brief as possible while still explaining the facts.

 

I was remarried this summer to a wonderful man. We are both in our 40s. My H had been divorced for over 5 years, and he dated another woman for a little while before we got together and married. We have known each other for 30 plus years as we grew up together and attended school together (high school and college).

 

Now, to the issue. His ex-W... When they divorced, they closed all of their accounts together except for an account for over-draft protection on her checking account. He was the co-signor on this and set it up because she continuously overdrew her checking account. They had good credit when they divorced, but she did not open another account to pay this one off and close it out. It is at its limit, and every month she pays it late then immediately takes out money on it again. It is a vicious cycle and she has not made a dent in it for 5 years.(and now her credit has deteriorated). I listen to him speaking with her on the phone each month, saying "you overdrew your account... if you would just pay on "X" day of the month, then you woundn't have to pay a $39.00 fee.. blah blah blah." He gets an automatic email when it happens. This along with her texting him or calling him for advice. As an example, her cell phone broke and she went to the store to get a new one. She didn't like something the clerk said at the store, so it ended up in phone calls with her calling him back and forth 3 times about her phone. I don't think this should be his concern. Call someone else!

 

I just think this is inappropriate, and I have expressed my beliefs to him. He just tries to get a long with her for the sake of their children, he says. I think the only reason they should be in contact with one another is in regard to their children (ages 20 and 17.. the 20 year old is away at college and the 17 year old lives with us). We fully support all of our children with no help from either ex-spouse. (both of us with 2 children each). And, I guess, if I had met her or even knew her I would maybe feel differently. But, she refuses to meet me. My H tried to set up a dinner or meeting with all of us, but she refuses to meet me. She states that she would feel uncomfortable. Mind you, I am not the reason that their marriage broke up. She cheated on my H, and they divorced, then he and I got together years later (and he had a gf in between). To me, the fact that she won't meet me... calls and texts him things that are not related to their children.. just tells me that she doesn't want to let go. I have been told that she is very high strung and cries a lot. He doesn't want to "send her off the deep end." It just frustrates me. She works at the school that my older son attends, and I was told that she was asking lots of questions about my son. My H said that she probably was concerned about who was living in the house with her son. Well, wouldn't you think that would be a reason to come meet me also? I am with her son more than she is. And, she has been lying to my H about her son saying things (like he feels cheated that he doesn't have a nicer car.... and the reason that he doesn't have a nicer car is because my husband brought a new car for me). First, I am a working woman that works and pays bills here, and, secondly, the son says that "she is crazy.. I never said anything like that." He is happy with the car that he has. (just some examples) She actually came by our house last weekend to drop something off. She came to the door, and then my H went out and talked to her on the porch. Wouldn't that have been an ideal time to come in and briefly meet me? I asked my H why he didn't invite her in, and he said that she was in a hurry. She did create drama when she found out that he had asked me to marry him. She was upset and sending furious emails that he should have told her first before anyone else. She said that he owed it to her. I just wonder what you owe someone that cheated on you when you were married to them...

 

So, I will stop writing now. I can add more, but you get the crux of it. I would appreciate your feedback.... any thoughts... and I will answer any questions. Thanks in advance.

[BB07]

I take it you knew the deal before you were married?

If so did you expect it to change after you got married?

 

 

Sounds like your hubby needs to cut the apron strings to his ex in a really big way. His ex is manipulated him in all sorts of ways...........and well your husband is allowing it, by not telling her no.

 

Not a good position for you to be in and what does your husband say when you share your concerns about it?

 

Oh and a good place for him to cut the 1st string would be the checking account.......that is ridiculous that he allows that. That would piss me off highly.

[WonderingWhatIf]

Thanks for the reply, BB. No, I didn't know about the "overdraft" account until after we were married. For clarity, they don't have a joint checking account. He is just unable to get his name off of the overdraft protection loan unless it is paid off. And, it pisses me off too

 

Honestly, I was not aware of this much "communication" from her before we were married. We didn't live together before we were married, so I was not aware of the texts and such that she sent him. He stated that it has decreased tremendously since we got married.

 

She is manipulating him, I agree. And, he has allowed it. I do think it really hit home with him regarding how much it ticked me off. He sent her 2 emails and a text regarding actions that need to be taken to get this closed and his name off of it. Of course, she hasn't responded to those, but she still sends him ridiculous "forwards" in emails(chain emails). He said that she does that when she doesn't want to deal with something.. just ignore it.

 

He, however, feels caught. He said that he spoke with the bank and they will not take his name off of it until it is paid. My point was "how" long is this crap supposed to be going on. I told him that he is exercising conflict avoidance by not dealing with it with her. Honestly, I don't give a flip is she cries or what. LOL

[g450]

OK I am late to this party but I will chime in here.

 

The overdraft protection thing should have been taken care of by the divorce. Why do you think lawyers ask about all your finances and accounts when you get divorced? THIS is why.

 

This is why I warn people not to do those cheap ass internet quick divorce things. It will bight you in the butt later and may be unfixable. Not sure if this was his situation though so I digress.

 

There has to be a way to fix this. If anything just have him send in a copy of his divorce decree and ask that the account be cancelled or split into two separate accounts where they both pay off their own respective half of the loans. It's not rocket science.

[BettyBoo]

Why was this not dealt with in the divorce. All such matters should have ended at that juncture.

Is it possible to get a loan and pay it off and end this whole mess.? I know it is not your debt but maybe your husband needs to do this to get her out of your life. Afterall it appears its the only thing that is keeping them connected.

 

Marrying a man who has gone through a divorce is never smooth there are always bits to clear up. Get it sorted and get that woman out of your lives for the sake of your own sanity.

 

best of luck:)

Edited November 4, 2010 by BettyBoo
spelling errors

[dramaofmylife]

Sounds to me like he still has feelings for her or he would not let any of this go on. I have seen this before and the guy ended up going back to his ex-wife. If he loves you and is serious about your marriage he will take care of all of this and you will not have to worry about dealing with her.

[2sunny]

he has no boundary with her - so he allows her to step into your M. this is a form of disrespecting you and the M.

 

it will continue until you allow your H to understand how much his participation is hurting you. it still may continue after that...

 

it may be useful to have a voice and be heard- to your H. be ready though- he may not be able to DO what you request because it looks like he is still emotionally tied to her on some (or various) levels.

 

he is acting kind of sneaky though - and that part bothers me more than anything. he is rewarding his exW's bad behavior and that will always be back wards as long as he goes along with the chaos that she creates. which - i think - she creates on purpose so he pays attention to her on some level.

[WonderingWhatIf]

Sunny, you hit the nail on the head. I honestly believes that she does this because she needs his attention on some level. For example, a couple of weekends ago, we went to a reunion of friends at the college that we both attended together. He told me that she sent him a text telling him that she was going to be there and where she would be ... blah blah blah. Now, this has NOTHING to do with the kids. She didn't even attend university there. She went down with her friends and she was with them. Why should he give a rat's patootie that she is there? He asked me if I wanted to go over there and meet her. I told him "hell no" .. this was not the time or the place. And, she didn't send the text with the intention of meeting me. It was to have him come over to where she was with all of her friends.

 

As an update, we have had several discussions about all of this. He is taking some active steps to get the account closed. He is selling a diamond ring that he gave her for a previous anniversary and is going to use that money to close the account. He has been very specific in letting her know. He isn't responding to those types of texts either. I hope he will keep it up.

 

She actually called and caused an issue a couple of nights ago about what WE are getting her son for Christmas, and she made a few snide comments about my husband giving a car to MY son. Both of the teenage boys have old cars that my husband owned. He got really pissed and told her that what he did with anything he owned was none of her business. Then, he ended the conversation. I have a feeling that this kind of stuff will continue through the holidays.. Ugh! I am happy with the approach that he is taken. I just hope that he will continue to do things as he is doing now. I guess we will see. I know that he does see how this is affecting me. And, I know he doesn't like it.

[WonderingWhatIf]

And, thanks to all of you for your responses. I have read everyone of them. I appreciate your thoughts... you make me think... all of you.