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Friend has serious crush on my wife, how do I handle this?


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Old 15th August 2010, 10:24 PM   #1
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Unhappy Friend has serious crush on my wife, how do I handle this?

My wife and I are going through some tough times right now and we have been seeing a counsellor to try to resolve our issues. She moved out to live at her mom's house last week while she tries to resolve her issues to find out what she wants to do with the marriage. We still talk to and see each other, but are living for now apart.

So anyways the reason for this post is that a guy who is a not so close friend of mine, but a better friend of my wife has some serious interest in my wife. I found this out from my brother and another friend of this friend so i don't think the guy in question knows that I know. Just to better describe the situation this guy is a desperately single guy, so desperate that finding a woman for him is his hobby, he will latch onto any girl that shows interest in him, he is a really a girl man. My wife considers him a friend and treats him as so, in fact she says he is like one of her girlfriends because he is so girly. So apparently for months now he has been talking with a friend of ours who is his old ex-gf asking her about our marriage, questioning it and trying to see if he has a chance with my wife, saying stuff that is clearly inappropriate and infuriates me. Then my brother tells me that 6 months ago when in the car with this guy and another friend this guy while talking about girls said that if my wife was single he would totally go after her because he is crazy about her. Needless to say my brother got into an argument with him.
I ended up calling my wife once I found this all out since it was the night before a weekend at a cottage with this guy and my wife so that she would know this is going on. She seemed to find humor in this, but apparently she was very mad about it so she called him that night to tell him this is inappropriate and to respect our marriage...total one way conversation. This weekend at the cottage ended up going off without any drama, my wife just acted like nothing was wrong, but I could see this guy was bothered by it....I just gave him the cold shoulder.

Now I'm conflicted as to how I should handle this considering what my wife and I are going through. Being that she sees him as the safe gayish friend she has had no issue hanging out with him (along with other friends) so I don't want to tell her not to see him again, but I really don't want her to see him when I am not there. Personally I want to tell him to f**k off and never talk to him again, but I probably shouldn't. Its just that if she says 'hey I'm going out with so and so on his boat' I don't want her to, but I don't want to start a fight and make it seem like I'm telling her what to do or controlling her. Hopefully she just stops talking to him and all of this just becomes the past, but if it doesn't I don't know how to handle it.

Any advice?
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Old 15th August 2010, 10:54 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by Kachunk View Post
My wife and I are going through some tough times right now and we have been seeing a counsellor to try to resolve our issues. She moved out to live at her mom's house last week while she tries to resolve her issues to find out what she wants to do with the marriage. We still talk to and see each other, but are living for now apart.

So anyways the reason for this post is that a guy who is a not so close friend of mine, but a better friend of my wife has some serious interest in my wife. I found this out from my brother and another friend of this friend so i don't think the guy in question knows that I know. Just to better describe the situation this guy is a desperately single guy, so desperate that finding a woman for him is his hobby, he will latch onto any girl that shows interest in him, he is a really a girl man. My wife considers him a friend and treats him as so, in fact she says he is like one of her girlfriends because he is so girly. So apparently for months now he has been talking with a friend of ours who is his old ex-gf asking her about our marriage, questioning it and trying to see if he has a chance with my wife, saying stuff that is clearly inappropriate and infuriates me. Then my brother tells me that 6 months ago when in the car with this guy and another friend this guy while talking about girls said that if my wife was single he would totally go after her because he is crazy about her. Needless to say my brother got into an argument with him.
I ended up calling my wife once I found this all out since it was the night before a weekend at a cottage with this guy and my wife so that she would know this is going on. She seemed to find humor in this, but apparently she was very mad about it so she called him that night to tell him this is inappropriate and to respect our marriage...total one way conversation. This weekend at the cottage ended up going off without any drama, my wife just acted like nothing was wrong, but I could see this guy was bothered by it....I just gave him the cold shoulder.

Now I'm conflicted as to how I should handle this considering what my wife and I are going through. Being that she sees him as the safe gayish friend she has had no issue hanging out with him (along with other friends) so I don't want to tell her not to see him again, but I really don't want her to see him when I am not there. Personally I want to tell him to f**k off and never talk to him again, but I probably shouldn't. Its just that if she says 'hey I'm going out with so and so on his boat' I don't want her to, but I don't want to start a fight and make it seem like I'm telling her what to do or controlling her. Hopefully she just stops talking to him and all of this just becomes the past, but if it doesn't I don't know how to handle it.

Any advice?
Go and tell the guy to f$ck off.

Seriously.

Your wife wants to see that you are willing to fight for her and have the backbone to defend your turf.

Maneuver it so she'll see it as you are defending your relationship with her, or whatever left of it. It's you fighting for "us." Not you operating out of insecurity. And mercilessly put down his unmanliness in the most blatantly unfavorable terms. It's war.

Be super nice to her but in no uncertain terms, piss on the other guy's tree and let him know that you are not going to let anyone mess with your territory.

Time to alpha male up.
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Old 15th August 2010, 11:10 PM   #3
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My worry is that she will get mad saying that I am trying to control who she is friends with.
We had an incident the other weekend, I was coming back from a weekend mountain biking with the boys to find out via text that her and our roomate (guy) went to this guys friends cottage and had been drinking too much that they couldn't drive home so they would just stay the night. She was the only girl with 5 single guys. I was upset with it so I went out of my way to pick her up to show I'm serious, but it ended up being that she took it as me questioning her motives and accusing her of being a whore. She said they are friends of hers and that if I'm out doing my thing she should be able to do what she wants and not have to wait at home bored until her husband comes home. Had I been home I would have gone out too. That whole situation ended up blowing up it something big.
So with that said laying out my territory might backfire and I'll end up being accused of controlling her, it might not, but if it does that will just make things worse.
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Old 15th August 2010, 11:30 PM   #4
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My worry is that she will get mad saying that I am trying to control who she is friends with.
We had an incident the other weekend, I was coming back from a weekend mountain biking with the boys to find out via text that her and our roomate (guy) went to this guys friends cottage and had been drinking too much that they couldn't drive home so they would just stay the night. She was the only girl with 5 single guys. I was upset with it so I went out of my way to pick her up to show I'm serious, but it ended up being that she took it as me questioning her motives and accusing her of being a whore. She said they are friends of hers and that if I'm out doing my thing she should be able to do what she wants and not have to wait at home bored until her husband comes home. Had I been home I would have gone out too. That whole situation ended up blowing up it something big.
So with that said laying out my territory might backfire and I'll end up being accused of controlling her, it might not, but if it does that will just make things worse.
So your WIFE, spends the night with five drunken dudes and she's OK with this? Your wife has serious boundry issues. Totally inappropriate. If she can't see this, and it can't be resolved, I'm sorry but maybe you need to seriously consider if you need be married to her.
Judging by what you've wrote, she's engaged in some seriously inappropriate behavior at best, and maybe something more that you don't know about.

If you haven't done so, you two need to get together and lay out boundries, even if your S'd right now. Especially if you want to work this out. IMO, staying the night with five other guys, no matter what the circumstances is not acceptable. I imagine if she called you and asked you to come get her, you would have, but she didn't. Something really wrong there my friend.

As far as the other dude, by all means have a "chat" with him. You don't have to get all nasty and bad ass. Be calm and rational. Tell him you understand his attraction for your W, but you still are married and trying to work this out. Then ask that he honor this. If he's upfront he'll honor your request. If he tries to act like an azz, well then in no uncertain terms let him know that any inappropriate contact with her may be detrimental to his health.

Yeah your W is going to get mad, but you need to make it crystal clear to her that after she does, you tell her you are serious about fixing your marriage and you are willing to physically fight for her if need be.

Peace and Good Luck
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Old 15th August 2010, 11:34 PM   #5
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If your W gets upset and doesn't understand where you are coming from, she has no idea what boundaries are. She obviously doesn't care about your feelings and the respect level is oh so low.

Tell the guy. What's the problem? That's still your W and if you feel disrespected then you should be able to voice it. WTF!

If they both take each other's side... That's you cue that your M is probably over.
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Old 15th August 2010, 11:46 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by seibert253 View Post
So your WIFE, spends the night with five drunken dudes and she's OK with this? Your wife has serious boundry issues. Totally inappropriate. If she can't see this, and it can't be resolved, I'm sorry but maybe you need to seriously consider if you need be married to her.
Judging by what you've wrote, she's engaged in some seriously inappropriate behavior at best, and maybe something more that you don't know about.

If you haven't done so, you two need to get together and lay out boundries, even if your S'd right now. Especially if you want to work this out. IMO, staying the night with five other guys, no matter what the circumstances is not acceptable. I imagine if she called you and asked you to come get her, you would have, but she didn't. Something really wrong there my friend.

As far as the other dude, by all means have a "chat" with him. You don't have to get all nasty and bad ass. Be calm and rational. Tell him you understand his attraction for your W, but you still are married and trying to work this out. Then ask that he honor this. If he's upfront he'll honor your request. If he tries to act like an azz, well then in no uncertain terms let him know that any inappropriate contact with her may be detrimental to his health.

Yeah your W is going to get mad, but you need to make it crystal clear to her that after she does, you tell her you are serious about fixing your marriage and you are willing to physically fight for her if need be.

Peace and Good Luck
I told her how upset i was about this, but to her they are friends of ours and not just some random guys and its not like she planned on doing that. The plan was that they would come home that night or that once I got back home that night that I would go join them. She had no ill intentions and by me questioning her intentions she took it the wrong way. I tried using the flip side situation of me doing that with her single GF's and she didn't see the big deal because they are all friends of ours.
So given the 'friend' factor I just agreed to disagree.
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Old 16th August 2010, 12:15 AM   #7
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I was originally going to tell you to say to the guy: fucckk off, but now you need to tell him to piss off and investigate what your wife is doing with her free time. Don't worry about her getting angry with you.

But a red alarm went off in my head when you said that your wife stayed in a cottage, drunk with 5 single guys. Glad you picked her up. I think she's cheating. I'm sorry, but it is time for you to keep snooping even harder, because something is not right here...
the thing with posting this stuff online is that its hard to communicate exactly whats going on and all the details. My mother in law who is very supportive to both of us resolving our issues and very wise with this having being left by her first husband 15yrs ago. She has talked in detail with my W and assured me that there is no one else and I trust that.

BTW i forgot to correct the fact that they were not all drunk. My wife was sober and it was just a few drinks going around, no wild drunk party that I may have given the impression to. Had I picked up a drunk and silly wife with stumbling guys and her not think that was wrong the situation would be drastically different in my mind. But that was not the situation at all.
I'm not trying to find excuses for her, I'm just saying I can understand her side of it just like she understands my concerns.
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Old 16th August 2010, 1:31 AM   #8
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I don't think you should do a thing about the girly guy. It sounds to me that your W isn't even attracted to him. Listen! If your W wants to find a man to jump into bed with, believe me, she will, even if this guy drops off the face of the earth. There are billions of people out there. Your W has done zero suspicious behavior when around this guy. So why are you even thinking about him?
It's distracting from the real issues. Why did your W leave in the first place? Address the issues within the marriage, worry not about potential issues that may or may not develop. It's like a garden which hasn't been watered in a long time and the plants are dying, and you are worrying about bug repellent. How about watering that garden instead?
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Old 16th August 2010, 6:49 AM   #9
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Dude, you need to grow some balls. Seriously.

Let's take another tack.

If I spend the weekend with some female office worker in the same manner that your wife does with her male friend, my wife has EVERY right to be upset. It threatens her marriage, and she will come out swinging and laying down the law.

That's what a loving and confident partner does. Protect her/his relationship.

I think your wife has boundary issues but you are contributing to it with your lack of boundary definition.

Some times, a wife wants to know that her husband will fight for her love and a little possessiveness (not neurotic jealousy) goes a long way. Being overly permissive may in fact worsen the problem.
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Old 16th August 2010, 10:40 AM   #10
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Last night I was talking with his old ex-gf and she told me that he has done this before. He did it with her while she was engaged, did it with another friend that had a long time BF and still does this with another ex-gf that has a BF. He goes after girls in relationships because since they are clearly desirable by other guys that he should desire them. He really is socially challenged. He doesn't do anything about these crushes except make uncomfortable comments sometimes that end up driving girl away since they all see him as the safe guy.
If my W and I weren't where we are now and everything was healthy then definitely I would have balled up and dealt with it, but the reason I posted this up was to find another solution. I know telling him to fu*k off and threaten him will just upset my W and the last thing I need now is more issues between us. NO drama now is good drama.

What I'm going to do is keep a close eye on the situation, I am going to find a way to make him aware that I know what he is doing and that I'm pissed to perhaps scare him off (he is very sensitive) and if he still tries to invite my W to events then I'll have to take it to the next step.
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Old 16th August 2010, 11:04 AM   #11
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What does the counselor say about living apart? IMO, that's the dynamic to focus on, getting back to living together and working as a team on the M.

Superficially, other than being annoying, it doesn't appear the other guy is a real threat. What *is* a threat is, now that his intentions are out in the open, if there *is* something going on with your wife, he can become what another LS'er called a 'beard'; a decoy, someone known who you focus your attention and emotions on while she has other relations with unknowns. I experienced the 'beard' dynamic as an OM many years ago. It's like being a pawn. As I read, I started to get that feeling again.

Anyway, the M is the priority so drumming up drama with this third party just obscures that priority. Focus on counseling and cohabiting. Good luck
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Old 16th August 2010, 3:49 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Kachunk View Post
My wife and I are going through some tough times right now and we have been seeing a counsellor to try to resolve our issues. She moved out to live at her mom's house last week while she tries to resolve her issues to find out what she wants to do with the marriage. We still talk to and see each other, but are living for now apart.

Sorry to bear the news--but, when the marriage is deteriorated to the point that the wife moves out, it's probably "over" and not fixable. Even though she's supposedly with her mom, being separated from you gives her 100% freedom of action. She could be staying anywhere during the evenings, and she doesn't actually have to have sleep-overs to be cheating on you.

Ordinarily the wife emotionally detaches over a prolonged period of time, THEN moves out, and the reason she moves out is to have freedom to spend time with whoever she has picked as "the boyfriend."



Quote:
So anyways the reason for this post is that a guy who is a not so close friend of mine, but a better friend of my wife has some serious interest in my wife. I found this out from my brother and another friend of this friend so i don't think the guy in question knows that I know.
Kachunk, the focus needs to be on the basic fact that your wife has physically left you, which typically signals the end of the marriage.


Quote:
Just to better describe the situation this guy is a desperately single guy, so desperate that finding a woman for him is his hobby, he will latch onto any girl that shows interest in him, he is a really a girl man. My wife considers him a friend and treats him as so, in fact she says he is like one of her girlfriends because he is so girly.
I'm not saying your w is having an affair with this particular guy, but be aware that women in affairs will often denigrate their affair partner to their husband in the hope of distracting from attention. It's "hiding in plain sight."


Quote:
So apparently for months now he has been talking with a friend of ours who is his old ex-gf asking her about our marriage, questioning it and trying to see if he has a chance with my wife, saying stuff that is clearly inappropriate and infuriates me. Then my brother tells me that 6 months ago when in the car with this guy and another friend this guy while talking about girls said that if my wife was single he would totally go after her because he is crazy about her. Needless to say my brother got into an argument with him.
Actually if you're going to be concerned about possible affair partners that your wife is seeing, it strikes me as very odd that your brother seems so in-the-loop about your w's affairs. If your wife has been catching the high hard one from your bro. it wouldn't be the first example of a "double betrayal" by a long shot. The gayish guy might simply be camoflage.

Women who get into affairs frequently get involved with family members of their spouse. I wouldn't suspect your bro. EXCEPT for the fact that he's all into your marital relationship and knows all this supposed gossip about your wife. That makes your bro. a "prime suspect" unfortunately.


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I ended up calling my wife once I found this all out since it was the night before a weekend at a cottage with this guy and my wife so that she would know this is going on. She seemed to find humor in this, but apparently she was very mad about it so she called him that night to tell him this is inappropriate and to respect our marriage...total one way conversation.
Um, how would you know? Were you actually listening in on both sides of the phone conversation, was it a three way call or something? You cannot believe ANYTHING your wife, or your BROTHER, tells you at this point.


Quote:
This weekend at the cottage ended up going off without any drama, my wife just acted like nothing was wrong, but I could see this guy was bothered by it....I just gave him the cold shoulder.
??? Why are you spending a weekend at a cottage with your wife AND some other guy???? WTF is that all about.


Quote:
Now I'm conflicted as to how I should handle this considering what my wife and I are going through. Being that she sees him as the safe gayish friend she has had no issue hanging out with him (along with other friends) so I don't want to tell her not to see him again, but I really don't want her to see him when I am not there.
Dude. Your wife couldn't care less about who you want her to not see. She MOVED OUT so she could have the FREEDOM to "see" (read: f*ck & s*ck) whoever she darn well pleases. It could be gayish guy. It could be your bro. It could be ANYONE.



Quote:
Personally I want to tell him to f**k off and never talk to him again, but I probably shouldn't. Its just that if she says 'hey I'm going out with so and so on his boat' I don't want her to, but I don't want to start a fight and make it seem like I'm telling her what to do or controlling her. Hopefully she just stops talking to him and all of this just becomes the past, but if it doesn't I don't know how to handle it.

Any advice?
Yes, get a good matrimonial lawyer. Your marriage is over. I hope you don't have kids as this will be very hard on them. Protect yourself, protect kids if there are any, protect your finances.

It's time to pull the ejection handle as this mission must be aborted.
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Old 16th August 2010, 3:58 PM   #13
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My worry is that she will get mad saying that I am trying to control who she is friends with.
Wow she's got you gas-lighted but good.

Kachunk, let me repeat--SHE MOVED OUT. She can and is doing ANYTHING SHE WANTS TO. That's precisely why she moved out, so you can't observe her behavior.


Quote:
We had an incident the other weekend, I was coming back from a weekend mountain biking with the boys to find out via text that her and our roomate (guy) went to this guys friends cottage and had been drinking too much that they couldn't drive home so they would just stay the night.
OK your wife DEFINITELY had sex with the one mountain biking guy (roommate wtf???) and there's a fairly good chance had group sex with one or more of the other guys as well. Your wife is dating and f*cking at least one other guy, I'm sorry, but how can you be so clueless?


Quote:
She was the only girl with 5 single guys.
Your wife is a "walkaway wife." Sometimes broads like your wife go absolutely insane with crazy acting-out behavior, sexually and otherwise.


Quote:
I was upset with it so I went out of my way to pick her up to show I'm serious, but it ended up being that she took it as me questioning her motives and accusing her of being a whore.
Wow guess she's got a guilty conscience. I wonder why?


Quote:
She said they are friends of hers and that if I'm out doing my thing she should be able to do what she wants and not have to wait at home bored until her husband comes home.
I thought you were separated? Did you move back in together? In any event your wife is clearly f*cking at least one of these other guys, it doesn't much matter who. This whole situation is utter b.s. and she is so obviously shoving your face down in the mud and laughing behind your back that you just need to get a lawyer and file for divorce ASAP.

With these additional details I would definitely still suspect your brother because vindictive selfish women like your wife will "target" male relatives for an affair, it adds to the sleazy thrill.



Quote:
Had I been home I would have gone out too. That whole situation ended up blowing up it something big.
So with that said laying out my territory might backfire and I'll end up being accused of controlling her, it might not, but if it does that will just make things worse.
Sigh. Man you are WAY behind the curve on this whole deal.
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Old 16th August 2010, 4:05 PM   #14
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the thing with posting this stuff online is that its hard to communicate exactly whats going on and all the details. My mother in law who is very supportive to both of us resolving our issues and very wise with this having being left by her first husband 15yrs ago. She has talked in detail with my W and assured me that there is no one else and I trust that.
*&%#$! I am actually starting to get a little bit angry at you Kachunk.

You cannot trust your mother in law on this stuff because blood is def. thicker than water. If your WIFE is a cheater, her MOTHER will LIE for her, [with very very very very rare exceptions] esp. if cheating runs in the family. The fact that her mother's h cheated on her (assuming it wasn't the other way around) might simply means the MOTHER wants the wife to be able to take sweet vengeance on all men and is helping her to do it by helping her to cover up the cheating.

Besides if the cheating is with your bro. it doesn't make any difference to them; same family, one bro. is just like another, they're interchangeable. At least that's how a lot of cheaters think.


Quote:
BTW i forgot to correct the fact that they were not all drunk. My wife was sober and it was just a few drinks going around, no wild drunk party that I may have given the impression to.
Dang it man, if you learn nothing ELSE from what you are going through right now, cleave to this: DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU DO NOT PERSONALLY SEE AND/OR HEAR, AND ONLY BELIEVE HALF OF THAT.

ALL your "sources"--your wife, her mother, your brother--are extremely UNRELIABLE.


Quote:
Had I picked up a drunk and silly wife with stumbling guys and her not think that was wrong the situation would be drastically different in my mind. But that was not the situation at all.
I'm not trying to find excuses for her, I'm just saying I can understand her side of it just like she understands my concerns.
Dude. Your wife is spending her time with a variety of other men, rather than with her husband.

The rest is just "details."


Your marriage is finished.
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Old 16th August 2010, 4:44 PM   #15
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I stop reading this after your first post interceptorsrule.

This was a big mistake, you have read way into this without having any knowledge of the relationship, what I posted up was little tibbits so you can get an idea of a particular situation and suddenly my brother is screwing my wife because he heard about this guys intentions from someone else? **** you
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