Virginia Lady Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 My husband and I have been together for more than 10 years. We have enjoyed a wonderful sex life in which we have both been satisfied with eachother. There have been "trust issues" over the years, and I have been hurt by discovering my husband's indiscretions. Well, he had sex with someone else while I was away on a trip last month. His deception hurt me more than anything else--and I asked him to leave. We were separated for a month, and I have taken him back home. I have explained to him that his deceit injured me. although I have been "faithful" in my marriage, I am not a stranger to kinkier lifestyles. I have happily made the offer to him that we stay married with the understanding that he may go have sex with someone once every two months. I am fine with this--he can't believe it! He is very excited and turned on, and I really can't wait for the first time that he feels this freedom without having to lie to me. I cant wait to show him that its okay if this is what he needs to fulfill him. I love this man and he loves me. He tried so hard for 10 years. Now I want to give him what he needs. any advice from a veteran?? a little background: I am not interested in having sex outside of my marriage, but he would be okay with it. We are both in our thirties. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 You are a very unusual lady. However, you have taken a great deal of the fun out of extramarital sex for your husband by consenting to aloow him to stray, even if only every two months. Chances are he'll not be interested now. I have to say this is pretty bizarre...but if it works, what the hell!!! It is not unusual at all for some people to want to stray from their partners for a little strange after a period of time. I don't think there is any danger at all for you as long as: 1. He doesn't screw a married woman who has a husband who owns a gun. 2. He doesn't screw a female who has a disease which can be transmitted to you. 3. He doesn't discuss details of these escapades with you. 4. That any one experience does not escalate into a more than every two month kind of deal. 5. He stays away from prostitutes who can drain him financially. My question is: For your husband to find safe people (non prostitutes, non-sluts) to sleep with he will have to spend some time getting to the point of them sleeping with him. Are you also granting him the time he will require to get them to the point of sex? In the longrun, I don't feel good about this but if it helps your marriage...God bless both of you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 Is it just me or does this not settle well with other people? Doesn't that arrangement negate the purpose of being married? Doesn't marriage mean committment or am I just old fashioned? Before you go consenting to something like this, ask yourself WHY you are ok with it. How can you be ok with your husband sharing a sacred act with other people besides yourself? Does sex not mean more then just getting off these days? These kinds of arrangements I will NEVER understand. Please enlighten me. Why is this OK with you?? Maybe you are wearing rose colored glasses? How can it be ok when you felt deceit originially? Was it just about the lying? How can lying make you feel hurt but him being intimate with someone else not destroy you as well?? Link to post Share on other sites
tyme Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 I just don't understand folks these days. If this finds you happiness then by all means. But the question I must ask out of just being curious is why be married? Sex is too free these days, and much more dangerous. Guys, the next time you pee, your happiness could very well fall into the toilet. Some bad stuff out there these days. Maybe I'm just too young to have old ways. Link to post Share on other sites
BadMan Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 Originally posted by Leikela Is it just me or does this not settle well with other people? Doesn't that arrangement negate the purpose of being married? Doesn't marriage mean committment or am I just old fashioned? Before you go consenting to something like this, ask yourself WHY you are ok with it. How can you be ok with your husband sharing a sacred act with other people besides yourself? Does sex not mean more then just getting off these days? These kinds of arrangements I will NEVER understand. Please enlighten me. Why is this OK with you?? Maybe you are wearing rose colored glasses? How can it be ok when you felt deceit originially? Was it just about the lying? How can lying make you feel hurt but him being intimate with someone else not destroy you as well?? Why does everything have to make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
BadMan Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 Originally posted by tyme I just don't understand folks these days. If this finds you happiness then by all means. But the question I must ask out of just being curious is why be married? . Health insurance.? Tax break.? Link to post Share on other sites
AcId Posted July 25, 2003 Share Posted July 25, 2003 I think that's a great way of dealing with something. If he wants to sleep with other woman simply for pure sexual gratification and nothing more, and from your perspective you don't find it fundamentally offensive and/or detrimental to your relationship - then to hell with conventional beliefs. One, of course has to adapt their specific relationship to suit those involved; and if that works for you then great. Link to post Share on other sites
Denise Neeseman Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 I think you should give some more consideration to the idea of joining in the fun. If you have never experienced sex with another woman, don't knock it. I am in a terrific relationship with a great interracial couple, and we have been enjoy some great 'threesome sex' for over a year now. Stephen, the husband, works with me and had been 'checking me out' for several months when I finally said;"aren't you married?" He told me that he sure was, but he and his wife were looking for a hot young woman to share in their bedroom fun. I have done this before with another couple and found it to be a great challenge, and very sexually rewarding. Stephen's wife Janie claims to never have been with a woman before, but she is excellent at pleasuring me, and enjoys having the favor returned.( Sometimes Janie says she just can't believe she's enjoying having another woman perform oral sex on her because, like yourself, she wasn't really into this until we began 16 months ago.) Best of luck........... Denise Link to post Share on other sites
smurfy73nik Posted August 13, 2003 Share Posted August 13, 2003 You said you had "trust issues" in the past. So, you weren't mad that he slept with someone else, but you were hurt that he lied about it. So, do you trust him to stick with the originally agreement? Don't you think you might become even MORE suspicious now that you have granted him this? Always wondering if he's out with another woman. And, do you REALLY think you are going to be okay with it when he comes home and says, "Yes, I F#%ked someone else". Will you be like, "Oh baby, I'm so glad you told me the truth, I love you so much!" But, that's just me. Maybe you can handle it better. AND, if you can't . . . . LET HIM KNOW RIGHT AWAY. Don't feel guilty about taking "this" away. Do what's right for the MARRIAGE, not just what's right for HIM. He knew the ground rules when he said, "I DO" BEST OF LUCK Link to post Share on other sites
ethicalslut Posted August 14, 2003 Share Posted August 14, 2003 I've been in an open marriage for 3 years, and the best advice I could give you is this: COMMUNICATION - Talk about everything in the realm of this agreement you two have. Nothing should be off limits! Unless one partner has asked to be left in the dark about certain things. Be honest with your emotions, and don't hide them. Be realistic about this agreement - there are dangers in it (I don't think I need to tell you what they are), just like in anything else (a monogamous marriage included). -------- 1st - I hope you have set ground rules (other than 1x per 2m period). And if you haven't done so, do so now, before the playing begins. There will always be something you MIGHT not appreciate, and NOW is the time to think about what those things are and set them aside as no-nos. 2nd - Do not delude yourself in thinking that this is something YOU are doing for HIM. You must, or can't admit that YOU also get a thrill out of this, even if it is a small one. There is nothing wrong with this. And from what you explained; the LIE was what got you so upset. But I assume (and correct me if I am wrong) that you would have/might have been agreeable to this little arrangement IF he had brought it up before he began messing around. But he didn't and he went around your back. It's the principal of the thing, right? I know it is for me. 3rd - I don't believe that once you give a man "permission" he will no longer feel the thrill of the hunt. LOL! That's reverse psychology, and in this case, it won’t work. He is t/on by it now, and will continue to be for a while, and when and IF it does wear off, he'll find a new woman to rekindle it. -------- Have fun! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts