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How can husband cope with Retroactive Jealousy


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Old 24th May 2010, 11:32 AM   #1
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How can husband cope with Retroactive Jealousy

I have been lurking for about a week~ reading as much as i can about retroactive jealousy.. This is my first post.. Thank god for the last guys post about it or I would have never figured out what was wrong with my poor husband.

My husband has been suffering with this for a little over a week My heart hurts so bad for him because this is just not how he is. He's an all around good man~ and i'm not just saying that to be nice. I have been with him for over 16 years and we have been married for almost 9, we also have two children. He is the 2nd guy i've ever slept with and i am the 2nd girl he has ever slept with. We started dating in highschool. He knew I had been in a previous relationship and had intercourse with that guy. He also new it wasn't a "healthy" relationship. The guy was two years older than me and would belittle me and pressured me into having sex. My husband also had a previous relationship and had intercourse with the partner. So in the beginning it was no biggie about the past relationship. Then about a year into our relationship he started being "haunted" by my past relationship. We were a little rocky for about 5 months but we got through it. Well............. here we are again 15 years later and I feel like i've been punched in the gut all over again because of this BS...

My husband admits he feels like he doesn't compare to the other guy~ which in my mind is crazy because my husband is AMAZING in every way. He is now having anxiety attacks and depression.. The only time he is somewhat ok is when I am home comforting him (which I don't mind). He is having a very hard time working. Every day he has different "situations" in his head. He is asking me to remember things about the past relationship that I just can't remember anymore nor do I care to remember. He keeps apologizing to me over and over again and tells me he just "can't help it". And the thing that comforts him the most is sex. The first time he went through this 15 years ago he was the exact opposite~ he was cold and distant. Everyday is different but this is some horrible sad stuff and it is very real.

He is considering therapy but will not do medication.. Has anyone ever been on either end of this situation. What can I do for him?? Should we do marriage counseling or should he do individual counseling.. My heart is breaking for this man..
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Old 24th May 2010, 11:42 AM   #2
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Have you read the thread "Haunted by wife's past?" I suggest page 1 and 4

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t229288/
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Old 24th May 2010, 11:47 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by 1qkblugt View Post
I have been lurking for about a week~ reading as much as i can about retroactive jealousy.. This is my first post.. Thank god for the last guys post about it or I would have never figured out what was wrong with my poor husband.

My husband has been suffering with this for a little over a week My heart hurts so bad for him because this is just not how he is. He's an all around good man~ and i'm not just saying that to be nice. I have been with him for over 16 years and we have been married for almost 9, we also have two children. He is the 2nd guy i've ever slept with and i am the 2nd girl he has ever slept with. We started dating in highschool. He knew I had been in a previous relationship and had intercourse with that guy. He also new it wasn't a "healthy" relationship. The guy was two years older than me and would belittle me and pressured me into having sex. My husband also had a previous relationship and had intercourse with the partner. So in the beginning it was no biggie about the past relationship. Then about a year into our relationship he started being "haunted" by my past relationship. We were a little rocky for about 5 months but we got through it. Well............. here we are again 15 years later and I feel like i've been punched in the gut all over again because of this BS...

My husband admits he feels like he doesn't compare to the other guy~ which in my mind is crazy because my husband is AMAZING in every way. He is now having anxiety attacks and depression.. The only time he is somewhat ok is when I am home comforting him (which I don't mind). He is having a very hard time working. Every day he has different "situations" in his head. He is asking me to remember things about the past relationship that I just can't remember anymore nor do I care to remember. He keeps apologizing to me over and over again and tells me he just "can't help it". And the thing that comforts him the most is sex. The first time he went through this 15 years ago he was the exact opposite~ he was cold and distant. Everyday is different but this is some horrible sad stuff and it is very real.

He is considering therapy but will not do medication.. Has anyone ever been on either end of this situation. What can I do for him?? Should we do marriage counseling or should he do individual counseling.. My heart is breaking for this man..
Something had to have happened for him to be back to this 15 years later. Either the one other woman he has been with popped up causing him to reflect on the feels he once had for her - and then wondering if you still think about the only other guy you were with. Or he experienced a situation where he was propositioned by someone else. Maybe he has a uber religious relative that pesters him about having not married a virgin. Maybe a friend or co-worker is dealing with their wife cheating with an old flame.
The thing that makes me think this is that he now seems more interested in you sexually reassuring him rather than how he reacted about it 15 years ago.
SOMETHING happened for him to be back to this; it isn't likely that he just woke up one day and chose to be bothered 15 years later.
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Old 24th May 2010, 11:49 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by Scrybe View Post
Have you read the thread "Haunted by wife's past?" I suggest page 1 and 4

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t229288/
Yes we have both read through it twice... Thank god for this man's thread!! My husband felt comfort knowing he wasn't alone. He said he totally related to this man.
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Old 24th May 2010, 11:55 AM   #5
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I find it difficult to believe that the real issue here is your past because your numbers are essentially the same. It's not like your number is 50 and his is 2. I think it is a distraction for him that keeps him from facing a real issue his psyche is not ready to face yet. That is what happened to the original poster in the other thread.
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Old 24th May 2010, 12:09 PM   #6
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Something had to have happened for him to be back to this 15 years later. Either the one other woman he has been with popped up causing him to reflect on the feels he once had for her - and then wondering if you still think about the only other guy you were with. Or he experienced a situation where he was propositioned by someone else. Maybe he has a uber religious relative that pesters him about having not married a virgin. Maybe a friend or co-worker is dealing with their wife cheating with an old flame.
The thing that makes me think this is that he now seems more interested in you sexually reassuring him rather than how he reacted about it 15 years ago.
SOMETHING happened for him to be back to this; it isn't likely that he just woke up one day and chose to be bothered 15 years later.
Yes something did happen to him..... with his mother

About 10-12 years ago she had borrowed money him on two occasions equalling about $6,000. Of course she promised she would pay it back.. Fast forward to 6 years ago ~ she gave my husband some "papers" to hold on to for her (in other words hide from DH's dad). Then 2 years ago she gave him another "envelope" to hold onto.. Finally he got suspicious and opened both envelopes that she had taped closed. Low and behold there was about $8000 in them... He was not a happy camper.. We had been going through financial difficulties and to find out his mother has been screwing him over.

Well about two months ago I was teasing DH and said something dirty LOL.. I said let's "do it" on the sliding board of the swing set of the yard.. He giggled and said "lets do it"... But it was cold out and we never talked about it again.

About 2 1/2 weeks ago his mother kept trying to get a hold of me to pick up her "papers".. I kept ignoring the phone calls~ she needed to deal with DH on this one.. She wasn't sneaking this one past him.. He wanted to confront her. He's kept his mouth shut for so long about his money. So finally he talked to her and she ended up coming over on Saturday while I was at work to pick them up... He then confronted her and told her he took $4000 out of the envelopes and said "Now we are even" and told her not to worry about paying the rest of it back to him. She said she never remembered borrowing money from him!!!!!!! She has a history of lying.. So needless to say he wasn't happy with her AT ALL>..
Then later that afternoon we're outside watching the kids play and says something about the slide askin me if I ever did it with the ex on a slide.. I was like NOOOOO !!!! WTH is wrong with you. Then he said don't lie to me because I've already been lied to enough today (meaning his mother). I've been dealing with this jealousy ever since that very moment

I have never been happy with the things she has done or said to him.. Telling him she was divorcing his father.. She always tried to put DH against his father which didn't work. But DH could never "see it" the way I did. She suffers from depression and anxiety and one time was hospitalized and my father in law found like $12,000 hiding in different purses in her bedroom (they have separate rooms).


Do you think this could be stemming from her or not??????

Last edited by 1qkblugt; 24th May 2010 at 12:11 PM..
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Old 24th May 2010, 12:16 PM   #7
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Absolutely. This is misplaced blame, and I guess he is not ready to be really angry at her, so he's distracting himself with your past.
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Old 24th May 2010, 12:22 PM   #8
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Absolutely. This is misplaced blame, and I guess he is not ready to be really angry at her, so he's distracting himself with your past.
Most of her obscene behavior started when he was in his late teens and early twenties. I believe she took advantage of him It makes me so sad... But he denies it's because of his mother. I watched her do this and have just kept my mouth shut !!!! I didn't want to intrude on the mother son relationship.. Untill she wanted me to put her "papers" in my closet LOL
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Old 24th May 2010, 12:29 PM   #9
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Yes something did happen to him..... with his mother

About 10-12 years ago she had borrowed money him on two occasions equalling about $6,000. Of course she promised she would pay it back.. Fast forward to 6 years ago ~ she gave my husband some "papers" to hold on to for her (in other words hide from DH's dad). Then 2 years ago she gave him another "envelope" to hold onto.. Finally he got suspicious and opened both envelopes that she had taped closed. Low and behold there was about $8000 in them... He was not a happy camper.. We had been going through financial difficulties and to find out his mother has been screwing him over.

Well about two months ago I was teasing DH and said something dirty LOL.. I said let's "do it" on the sliding board of the swing set of the yard.. He giggled and said "lets do it"... But it was cold out and we never talked about it again.

About 2 1/2 weeks ago his mother kept trying to get a hold of me to pick up her "papers".. I kept ignoring the phone calls~ she needed to deal with DH on this one.. She wasn't sneaking this one past him.. He wanted to confront her. He's kept his mouth shut for so long about his money. So finally he talked to her and she ended up coming over on Saturday while I was at work to pick them up... He then confronted her and told her he took $4000 out of the envelopes and said "Now we are even" and told her not to worry about paying the rest of it back to him. She said she never remembered borrowing money from him!!!!!!! She has a history of lying.. So needless to say he wasn't happy with her AT ALL>..
Then later that afternoon we're outside watching the kids play and says something about the slide askin me if I ever did it with the ex on a slide.. I was like NOOOOO !!!! WTH is wrong with you. Then he said don't lie to me because I've already been lied to enough today (meaning his mother). I've been dealing with this jealousy ever since that very moment

I have never been happy with the things she has done or said to him.. Telling him she was divorcing his father.. She always tried to put DH against his father which didn't work. But DH could never "see it" the way I did. She suffers from depression and anxiety and one time was hospitalized and my father in law found like $12,000 hiding in different purses in her bedroom (they have separate rooms).


Do you think this could be stemming from her or not??????
Well she represents someone whom he should be able to unconditionally trust, but if she has a history of lying - why NOW start deflecting his unresolved issues with her onto you? I can see how the recent confrontation with her could make it somewhat relevant, but he couldn't have been completely lambasted by her actions if she has acted similar in the past.

It is, however, quite possible that the recent confrontation cemented his issues with his mother and that is what he is actually depressed about. And rather than deal with finding peace over it, is focusing on something that cannot really be resolved by you. You can never undo a past relationship.

But his sudden interest in something so long ago dead and hassling you for info is way out of line. Projecting it on you (if he is indeed projecting) would have him wondering what you are CURRENTLY hiding from him. It would make more sense if he thought you were currently seeing someone else or thought you were hiding financial stuff from him.

Consider this:
You have some really bad turn of events with one of your relatives about some inheritance where what should have come to you is denied from you.
And suddenly you can't deal with him having not been a virgin when y'all married and start pressuring him for info about that ONE long gone girl?

I'm thinking no, there is more to this but his recent confrontation with his ma probably just added fuel to the fire.
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Old 24th May 2010, 3:28 PM   #10
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Something had to have happened for him to be back to this 15 years later. Either the one other woman he has been with popped up causing him to reflect on the feels he once had for her - and then wondering if you still think about the only other guy you were with. Or he experienced a situation where he was propositioned by someone else. Maybe he has a uber religious relative that pesters him about having not married a virgin. Maybe a friend or co-worker is dealing with their wife cheating with an old flame.
The thing that makes me think this is that he now seems more interested in you sexually reassuring him rather than how he reacted about it 15 years ago.
SOMETHING happened for him to be back to this; it isn't likely that he just woke up one day and chose to be bothered 15 years later.
The above is spot on.

My wife and I were both virgins when we met. There was one guy from college who wanted to be sexually intimate with her; they were even back in her room together after a party at one point... I used to play the whole scene in my head over and over again. I look back at it now and know it was EXTREMELY REDICULOUS.... but at the time it used to haunt me.

There will always be something, someone, some situation that will make even the most secure of individuals insecure. Learning how to handle this and deal with it appropriately is a big part of marriage and/or relationships.

At least he is somewhat aware of what's going on and is prepared to deal with it. I, like your husband, would go to great lengths to not take any unnecessary meds either.

The two of you can get through this, I think one of the best ways to move forward is to try and fiugre out the trigger that brought it back to the forefront of his mind...
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Old 24th May 2010, 6:08 PM   #11
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Go for marriage counseling. Maybe he needs to hear it from an objective third party. In the meantime, you could say, "But honey, I chose you not him. You are the one who WON!" He probably believes women can't be trusted, which comes from his mother and is now projected onto you and all women.
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Old 24th May 2010, 7:55 PM   #12
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OP, have your husband read post No. 16 in this thread

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/show...81#post2805381

and maybe he'll be counting his blessings.
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Old 25th May 2010, 9:44 AM   #13
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Wellllll.....

He told me the thoughts started in mid winter and he didn't confront me till after the incident with his mother. He said he was planning on asking me about it anyway~ just didn't know how There was a specific incident that brought it on.

It started like this ~ he was working night work temporarily, for about 3 weeks. He would wake up at 11:30 pm when I would get in bed.. So obviously this is when we were able to have our sexual time with each other. He asked me if he could "slam" me (omg can't believe I just said that ) Well he did and it was like nothing he ever did to me before. When he was done I told him not to do that to me ever again.. OK so I totally forget about it.. Until yesterday when he told me about it. Then I was like OMG i know what he's gonna say next My heart was breaking for him.

He said the look on my face when he was doing that was a face of horror and distress that he has never seen.. And of course his mind could only think of one thing or person ~ my ex. He knows a lot about the situation because we were friends when I was trying to break it off with the ex. He knew I wasn't respected and was treated as an object, and also belittled. I told him that yes he did scare me when he did that.. ( I had to tell him the truth because I just can't lie to him ) Also it made me think of porno sex (sorry not a fan of porn~ maybe someday but not now)...

He also told me that I am his wife and he loves me but it just killed him to see that look on my face and know what I was thinking.. He said I should be able to do that to my WIFE. He's not mad at me it just got him thinking about me doing it with the ex .. And he started remembering everything we talked about when we were friends.
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Old 25th May 2010, 10:36 AM   #14
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OK, so now we know the event that triggered it...

In my opinion, this is definitely something that needs to be sorted out in couples counseling.

Lets face it, he is the one being irrational recalling you and your ex, but you may have some issues about what happened to you back then also...
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Old 25th May 2010, 11:57 AM   #15
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OK, so now we know the event that triggered it...

In my opinion, this is definitely something that needs to be sorted out in couples counseling.

Lets face it, he is the one being irrational recalling you and your ex, but you may have some issues about what happened to you back then also...
We were talking about couples counseling yesterday.. We will be going over our finances this week so we can figure out how to fit it in financially.

DH knows he has a problem and he wants to get it worked out. As for me, I have to admit I regret the whole ex thing. Wish I never gave it up to him. He really was screwed up in the head.
My husband is the first one that ever made love to me so it always made me sad inside that he technically wasn't my first... If we could only turn back time LOL
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