Poly relationship

[Isra]

I am 30 years old, and my husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2.5. When we met, I knew he was close to all his ex-gfs and had a lot of female friends. This never bothered me, even when I started realizing that he still carried a candle for one in particular. We'll call her Ann.

 

I have almost always felt secure in our relationship, which hasn't always been the case with other bfs. He makes me feel like he values my love and opinion over any one else. I have always trusted him to tell the truth, and I know he doesn't like games, etc. I have never minded the ex-gf, because I don't believe in regulating my spouse's relationships. You can't tell someone whom to love and whom to have a friendship with. When we married, we agreed that we would leave a window of possibility open for an open/polyamourous relationship in the future.

 

He dumped me once, 4 years ago, seemingly out of the blue. He was having some kind of identity crisis, and I was a casualty. He started dating someone only a week later, which made me suspicious. He also kept in touch with Ann during that time.

 

I called him while in town one day, 9 months later, feeling rather brave. It just so happened that Ann was in town visiting him. He dropped everything (but brought Ann along) to meet me for coffee. I found out later that the two of them had tried to start up a sexual relationship that night, but nothing came of it.

 

She came to NY a month ago. He dropped everything to go see her (he didn't go about telling me in the best way). I knew something was going to come of it, and i sulked a little. When he came home, and I found out they had made out, I was a little upset, but i couldn't really tell why. He didn't cheat on me. Kissing doesn't bother me, but I still sulked for a few days. Then a few days later he confessed that the week before Ann came to town he had gotten a certain sexual favor from a prostitute, hadn't tole me for almost 2 weeks, and actually considered NEVER telling me. Ann is the one who convinced him to tell me. He was so embarassed and ashamed that he could barely speak to me. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I didn't speak to him for 3 days. I thought I was going to lose my mind, I was so angry. And the thing is, I'm not that offended by the prostitute, either. I'm probably more threatened by the re-emergence of Ann.

Neither in itself would have destroyed our marriage, but I feel that the combination of the two has pushed me over the edge.

 

Well, feeling a little betrayed, and reliving the awful break-up of a few years back, I began checking his email (he has very predictable passwords). To my face he admits that he wants a romantic/sexual/dating relationship with her, but I found out through email that he REALLY wants this relationship with her. With me he downplays it, saying that nothing will happen, she is completely across the country, it was just old feelings coming back and would go away soon, etc. I was nearly over the other stuff, but this continued dishonesty is poisoning my entire life.

 

I'm regretting that we had agreed to a poly relationship, but I don't feel that I can tell him that. I feel that he will either resent me for denying him a relationship with his close friend, or push him to carrying this on behind my back. He thinks all he did wrong was go a little too far with Ann without discussing it beforehand with me, and of course, the prostitute. He doesn't know that I'm really pissed about the lying, but I can't confront him about it, because then I lose a valuable resource I may need to keep monitoring what goes on with Ann. I know that Ann won't go away, nor do I really wish their relationship to be completely dissolved, but I just don't know what to do. I have tried so very hard to keep an open mind about this, and to put on a brave front so that he won't think I'm a jealous, possessive woman, which is the one thing I hate the most and don't EVER want to be. Some days I feel that things are fine, and others I want to move out and distance myself from him. I feel that no matter what I would do, whether it be continue in the relationship, leave, or put boundaries in there, I will lose, because Ann will be there as a backup. Yes, I can put boundaries that say "No sexual conduct, please," but that doesn't touch the romantic/emotional elements.

 

Sorry for the novel version. I just need to vent and perhaps hear some other perspectives.

[Tony T]

Sorry, but you don't have a marriage here. Get out of it. Then go find out what a healthy marriage is all about. Maybe you've never had an example. Heal yourself....find out why you don't feel you deserve a good man who will be loyal and make you feel you are the only woman in the world. Once you've made progress, expect a great man to come into your life....one who will have enough love and respect for you that he won't ask you to consent to an open marriage.

 

What you have now sucks big time....YUK!!!

[Leikela]

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My question to you is, why WOULD you want or even agree to an open marriage? Isn't marriage supposed to mean COMMITTMENT to that one person only? Don't you take a vow when you get married?

 

As I think you are realizing, when you love someone, naturally you don't want to share them with anyone else. So, your feelings are totally normal.

 

Like Tony said, you don't have a healthy marriage and you should get out of it. Perhaps you may want to seek counseling on why you would openly accept your husband having intimacy with other people. That in itself isn't healthy. Best of luck to you.

 

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