truthseeker Posted May 11, 2003 Share Posted May 11, 2003 Hi, someone please help me try to understand what's going on. I've been married 16 yrs to my wife and have always been faithful. We got married because she got pregnant but that dosn't mean I would not have married her still. I treated her wrong, I was a dog, and she says she hated me for a long time. then we both started going to church and gave our lives to God. My life changed so much and my wifes also. My wife went to school and has a good job, and had surgery to lose weight and I have become insecure. and so much more attractive to her wanting to always hug and kiss and be with her. She says she loves me and dosn't want to hurt me and that the biggest reasons she is married to me is because she fears God and knows what is right and dosn't want to hurt me and because of the children. She says she never has been unfaithful and I have nothing to worry about she is comitted to me. She says she dosn't hate me anymore but she just don't have feelings for me but she does love me. She tells me she couldn't even immagine being with any one else but me sexually. She always lets me have sex when I want which is 4 or more times a week. I'm not deprived, but lonely because I want her to love me the same way I love her. she says there is nothing wrong with me and there isn't any man out there better than me that I'm a good man and she dosn't know why she does not have these feelings for me. she says she dosn't want to be married to me. But she says she is willing to work at it. I really love her so much and just want to please her and treat her the best I can, but because I know how she feels I hurt always I pray alot begging God to help me. I know I deserve what has happend to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted May 11, 2003 Share Posted May 11, 2003 Actions have consequences. If you treat somebody like crap for a very long period of time (for what reasons I have no idea and you probably don't either) you can't expect them to be just boiling over with joy being married to you. It seems you lucked out by having a lady who will stick by you despite the fact that she doesn't particularly like you. However, don't expect her to have that position forever. First, I suggest you either get some counselling or read some books on the proper ways to act and communicate in a relationship. I think your marriage can be healed, over a good bit of time, if you start communicating with your wife about your past misbehavior. Start with a major apology. Don't overdo things by being too nice. But you absolutely must give your wife some good reasons to fall back in love with you. The ball is in your court. It's nice that you feel bad now that your marriage is in crisis but you did a lot of stuff you shouldn't have in the first place. I don't blame you. I think you probably came from a family background where you were not taught how to relate to a spouse in healthy and accepted ways. It's never too late to learn. Let your wife know you'll do what is necessary to gain back her love and trust...and then SHOW her you mean it. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted May 11, 2003 Share Posted May 11, 2003 hm, so you want your wife to be in love with you, and into having sex ... but in the meantime, you're willing to take what you can get, which seems to involve her passively allowing you to have your way with her. what message do you think that conveys to her? Perhaps, "well honey, gotta have what's good for me and I'm hoping that one of these days you'll come around and want it too. But until that happens, thanks for cooperating." Yeah, that would make me feel really special, and grateful for having such a sensitive and caring husband. She's not into you because of the crap you pulled in the past. She has not recovered from it, yet you're expecting her to act in bed as if everything were OK. And you're bummed because her performance isn't very convincing. What if instead of pushing yourself on her in order to get your own needs met, with the incidental and not very realistic hope that she'll get into it too, you focused your attraction and love for her on her? Not on her body. Not on your body's reaction to her. But on her. Maybe you spend a night just stroking her hair, or watching her favorite television show with her without putting any moves on her, or helping her with the laundry or whatever chores she has to do. Maybe you do that many times, with many different variations -- but never do you try to escalate things into have sexual contact with her. Maybe you do that for several weeks, a few months even. And see where you end up. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, although frankly based on your description of the situation I am unsympathetic. You've been looking at this entirely from your perspective: "I messed up and hurt her. I realized I was wrong and I apologized. I want to go back to the loving relationship we once had." Guess what, it's not all about you. A big part of it is about her. Until you get a handle on that, you're not likely to have much success in rebuilding your marriage. I agree with Tony, you need to get some counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author truthseeker Posted May 12, 2003 Author Share Posted May 12, 2003 Thank you for your advice I have an appointment to see a counsellor this week and my wife says she will also go. Today she came home from work and told me she had talked with another woman who had shared the same kind of experience in her first marriage as we have. I told her I understood why she is this way and I know it's because of the way I treated her in the past and I have been selfish only thinking of myself. I told her I wouldn't bother her with sex and give her more space so she could have time to heal. She told me she doesn't hate me anymore and has forgave me, she just isn't sure if she will ever be able to change her feelings but she does love me and likes what I am doing with our children and the way I have changed so much. She told me she wouldn't even mind if we were like room-mates. I said and what am I supposed to do have a girl friend? She said she wasn't really sure if that would even bother her. I told her I would not like to have a girl friend and live with her like room-mate anyways. She also told me that she felt guity because I deserve the love that I want to share together with her. I said it's not your fault don't feel that way I'm the one that has caused you to be this way. Do you think she can still change? I was very happy yesterday when I read your post-replies, built up feeling confedent that she could heal and change to love me the same way I love her, but when she tells me these things it really makes it hard. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted May 12, 2003 Share Posted May 12, 2003 I think the question of whether things can be changed at this point is dependent upon whether SHE wants them to. If she has lost all the feelings that are necessary to have a marriage and isn't willing to do the intense work that is probably going to be necessary to recover those feelings, then it probably will never work. But I think it's a good start that she's willing to go to counselling with you. Just don't push her too hard too fast, and don't let sex get in the way. You WILL live without sex for a while. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
jessicakicksbut Posted May 13, 2003 Share Posted May 13, 2003 After reading both your posts, I am glad to see that you and your wife are going to couseling. Hopefully she will be able to love you again the way you love her, but it is a change that she will have to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Author truthseeker Posted June 2, 2003 Author Share Posted June 2, 2003 More problems, now after going to counseling things seem to have been going well, then I kept on digging at her for more and she didn't want to tell me but she did. She told me I was like a little boy speaking about my penis size. She told me sorry i'm just not attracted to that. But says when we have sex she does enjoy it sometimes. I asked her if she ever thinks of other people. she says she has but not anyone in particular. She says she loves me is faithful and always has been and is committed to me. She says she knows we are meant to be together and she can live with this problem that she can learn to be content with what she has that she can enjoy me. she thinks these feelings about me are probably from the way I used to treat her in the past I was sexually forceful. She says this isn't the meager issues to worry about our kids and our relationship is. I just feel so bad and hurt I cry a lot I don't have anymore confidence or selfesteam, i'm afraid and I know there is nothing I can do about my penis size. I always been insecure about it but not with any women before or even after I got married. Now i'm embarrassed and ashamed. This is just to hard to bear every day. She says she regrets telling me because of how it has effected me. She says we will make this marriage work and she wants to. tell me what you think please. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 I doubt this has anything to do with your size... who gives a rat's a$$. This is about: "in the past I was sexually forceful" That's what you need to cry about. Link to post Share on other sites
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