Married my friend - no chemistry... !

[mariposas]

My husband is a handsome, wonderful man with great morals and work ethic. He is a great daddy - a little rough around the edges, but full of love. He loves me with all his heart and our kids and I are all he has. On the outside looking in, you may think my life is perfect.

 

When we met, it was as if we had been friends for ages and we never wanted to leave each other's side and so we didn't.

 

My issue(s)? Out of natural reaction, I have jerked away from his touch and pulled away from kisses. It is like I married my friend. Due to my religious beliefs and the fact that I came from a broken home & I take my marriage seriously. I do not want to hurt my husband or my children and I don't want to break my promise. With that said, I am so very torn. I cry inside. Intimacy, is nice because it is nice to feel loved, but the act of sex with someone you are not attracted to "that way" is beginning to wear on me.

 

I want to feel chemistry, passion, love. How can I make myself be attracted to a man that doesn't "turn me on". I perform my wifely duties on a regular basis with a smile on my face and then cry later because it was not satisfying. I thought it was just me. I thought I just didn't have a sex drive. I heard that can happen after you have children and we got pregnant right away. Therefore, I don't know if I ever had a drive toward him. I have been struggling with this for nine years. I was just hoping and praying that I would love him more and that the lack of chemistry wouldn't matter.

 

When I do my wifely duties things are great with the exceptions of my feelings. If I avoid it for any amount of time he gets frustrated and then walks around angry taking it out on the entire household. Now, I am not even empathetic and don't want him to touch me. Then, I take care of business as usual, but eventually the cycle begins again where I just don't want to do it because it is like what I imagine being with just a friend.

 

My heart hurts and when I see romantic flicks where a couple is falling in love, it puts me in a depressed state.

 

I have actually told him all of this. I broke his heart. I told him we needed to be apart and how I wished I had someone to set him up with because I didn't want him to be alone. I explained that he is a wonderful man and deserves a woman that will please him the way he needs to be pleased. We were apart for a short time when his crying and promises of counseling brought me home. I didn't want to hurt him. We don't have the money for counseling and that won't bring me chemistry.

 

Is there any hope for me? The rest of the household is fine. The kids are happy. He is happy. I am happy with the exception of my love life.

 

Can you imagine forcing yourself to be with someone in sex and marriage because you made a promise to, but not because you are in love or attracted to them?

 

What can I do to make myself "want" him? I sound so selfish!

[carhill]

We don't have the money for counseling and that won't bring me chemistry.

 

Universities have free counseling through their psychiatric departments for psychologists and therapists in training. Less experienced but still can be helpful. Usually are enthusiastic about their work.

 

Counseling, if you want to work on yourself, will help you. It may not help your marriage, but IMO it's only fair to your H that you make the effort, since it is you who is questioning the health of your position in your M.

 

How old are you? How long married? How many children? If you have always been repulsed by your H, why did you marry him? If not, when did it start?

 

Welcome to LS

[mariposas]

Thank you for your advice. He was/is a handsome guy with a great personality and a great catch. Like I said we were comfortable with each other. There was some excitement in the beginning because we were in a new relationship. We only knew each other for a short period of time then we got married when i was in my mid-twenties and had a kid. I didn't know what being in love was and figured that chemistry would come in time. We have several children and have been married 9 years. The being "repulsed" started a few years ago. I just got tired of having to play the part and came to the realization that is wasn't a medical issue that I was genuinely not attracted in that way. Thanks again! I just don't know how to fix that part. So, I am living with it.

[Devil Inside]

You are not being selfish. You are actually being selfless by remaining in the marriage so that you do not hurt him or the children.

 

If your screen name is a clue as to your cultural ties I can relate...if you come from the background I do...then yeah...divorce is not easy, and women are expected to perform wifely duties. I also married young, and before I was really the person I am today.

 

I think you should take Carhill's advice and look for a way to meet with a therapist that can give you a good rate. I agree that you should go to individual counseling and work on this and other issues. If anything it will help you to get to aplace where if leaving is an option you can do it in a way that is least painful to all involved.

 

I'm sorry this is a very difficult situation.

[mariposas]

I am in tears here an truly appreciate the advice being given. It is hard to talk to people I know because they know him and I am trying to save face. Not only am I having difficulty with the attraction issue the satisfaction part is an issue too. Not that I am bringing it to his attention, but his body is not working when he wants it to and when it does it is not available long enough for me. It is an issue we are both aware of and I don't want to do anything to hurt his ego in that area.

[mariposas]

You know, I feel bad for even posting this. I don't know how I would tell him, again, that I am not attracted to him and that he isn't satisfying me when he is doing all he can. I made a promise to this wonderful man and I can't break it. I just was at the breaking point; which I hit every once in a while. I meltdown and then suck it up. Today was a meltdown which prompted my post. I will just do what I do with a smile and keep making everyone happy. It is just a sad existence. I want to be happy, too. The night before my wedding... I told him I wanted to call it off and then we decided it was pre-wedding jitters. Loving my man just not being in love with him. The chemistry fades with time anyway right?

[carhill]

IMO, infatuation and 'butterflies' fade, but chemistry, that intrinsic elemental bond, really needs to be there to have a satisfying, long-lasting intimate relationship. It doesn't just happen. Each party has their role and responsibilities. Have you ever asked your H how he feels about you and just listen? Given him the space to be totally honest and not feel pressured into telling you what you want to hear? Go to a MC session, even one, and I think you'll be surprised. Is your M and your emotional health worth the price of one MC session? We spent about 100 bucks on our first session, and kept going 2-3 times per month for 14 months. Worth every nickel.

 

If you H tires of this dynamic and decides that splitting up is the best option, crunch the numbers on that and compare to MC. If you think you can't afford MC, watch out for divorce. MC is peanuts. I've lived both and know the numbers.

 

If money was not an object and you asked your H tonight, would he go to MC with you?

[mariposas]

Absolutely. We have discussed this all at great length about a year ago. I wanted to let him get on with his life and find a woman that would give him what he deserves. He agreed to do whatever is necessary telling me the kids and I were all he had. We did see someone at our church for individual counseling, but it didn't seem to change anything. I was told that I married him and therefore, I am supposed to be with him. That didn't help my chemistry. He loves me. Finances have added to problems. We lost our home and are barely feeding our family. $10 is a lot of money right now let alone $100.

 

I guess my main issue is the chemistry. I can't get past the fact that I feel that is an innate sense we should have naturally. I feel like that is a feeling you get through a scientific and emotional connection and I just don't have it with him. On your advice, I called a university and they said they gave me some places to call. I have already contacted one, but they said their services are $85-100. We need money for food and shelter right now. This evening, I brought up to my husband my feelings again of depression and lack of interest and he asked nonchalantly "on that again?" I explained having no money just magnifies the not wanting sex situation and joked that he doesn't complain about it like I do & he just complains about not "getting any" and then we dropped it. He blindly chooses to believe I am happy in love like he is unless I begin talking again. I am a good actress.

 

no money for a counselor = blogging my personal life for peer support

 

I guess what I am reaching for is... does chemistry grown on people? Do people fall in love over time or become attracted to people over time. I am naive / ignorant in this area. I don't know if I have ever been "in love". I know I have been attracted to people. I was one of those "save it 'til you get married people" and therefore, don't have a long track record of comparisons. I just have the opinions of others.

 

You know, the repulsed part came when I started to despise him for continuing to expect me to be intimate after I explained how difficult it was for me and how he would walk around pouting about it. I never really minded my wifely duties until I felt it was wearing on me and he wasn't the understanding man I knew, but acted selfishly. Then he started having sexual performance issues and began to understand my frustration. It is not that I don't want to be in love or want to be attracted. I pray for that! I want that! My life would be perfect. I just feel jaded, like I have stolen something from myself by marrying a man that I am not into.

 

Somebody needs to tell me everything will click.

 

Thank you so much for your time!

[carhill]

I never really minded my wifely duties until I felt it was wearing on me and he wasn't the understanding man I knew, but acted selfishly. Then he started having sexual performance issues and began to understand my frustration. It is not that I don't want to be in love or want to be attracted. I pray for that! I want that! My life would be perfect. I just feel jaded, like I have stolen something from myself by marrying a man that I am not into.

 

Tell me, if you see a couple kissing on the street, what is your first thought?

[mariposas]

I want that.

[mariposas]

I can't think about it without tearing up and any movie regarding falling in love... me bawlin' cause I want it.

[carhill]

So, in such instances, there is no focus for your thoughts other than 'wanting it', meaning that feeling. Have you ever had that feeling, with anyone? Free LS therapy

[mariposas]

I called it puppy love where my insides would flip when I saw the boy or when he kissed me. I was just a teenager and he was my first kiss. I have felt chemistry like anxious and excited, but that was all with kissing because I practiced abstinence.

 

I want to look at a man the way my husband looks at me. I have seen that look. I want to "pause" life. Walk away and look for that love just to see if I am capable of loving without hurting my family.

 

I have always had a guard up... guys being nice wanting to sleep with me & then gone when I am not giving in... Men always saying they are in love with me.... once proposed only trying to get me in bed. I had a cheater of a father and had trust issues with men, so I never really gave anyone a chance.

 

I am not afraid of being on my own. I am a good catch & a loving monogamous person. We are handsome couple, Jennifer Connelly & Dane Cook if you will. So, I believe we could both get back in the dating scene. I don't want to keep him past his prime and waste his life anymore than I have! I just want that chemistry dog gone it.

 

cooking dinner for the family.. I appreciate the therapy.