Reminiscing Posted April 7, 2003 Share Posted April 7, 2003 Hi. I was wondering if anyone could help me with this. I don't know if it's a common problem but it's really weighing on my mind and want to know if any of you have had similar experiences. I'm a very happily married man in my mid-30s. My wife is just wonderful and so is my little child. I've been fairly successful at work and we're really blessed with happiness in the family. I've known my wife for 10 years and we've been married for 5. For some reason, just out of the blue, I keep thinking about an ex-girlfriend that I hadn't seen or heard from in more than 10 years! I know she's now happily married with 2 kids of her own, in another country. So just to satisfy my curiosity I called her a couple of months ago to say hello. She was, of course, surprised to hear from me and we chatted just a bit about trivialities (how are the kids, what's been happening, etc.) and that was it - no more contact. But for some silly reason, I can't seem to stop thinking about her and imagining what life must be like for her now. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a bad person and not about to go ruining either of our marriages or families, but I keep getting these thoughts about what life would have been like had we been together, and so on. I've also started to recall the good times we had and the places we went to, things that I wouldn't have ordinarily thought about. And this is happening to me just out of the blue! Like I said, I hadn't even given it a thought all these years. What's happening? Why can't I get her out of my mind like I should? Is this all to do with the mind, or is there something else that I've somehow missed out? It hasn't become a problem but I'm worried it could develop into one! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 7, 2003 Share Posted April 7, 2003 This is pretty normal for most people to reminisce about old flames but there's a point where it can develop into an obsession, especially if you're married. If you continue to obsess with thoughts of her, it could be some sort of futuile attempt at mental cheating. You need to look at your marriage and see what the problem is. You seem to feel that it's peachy keen...is it boring, unexciting, or just what is the problem? If you were truly satisfied with your marriage, you wouldn't be having these thoughts constantly. Still, nothing to worry about too much if you don't act on these thoughts. I think if you spend a week or two forcing yourself to think about all the possiblities with this old married girlfriend, you might just live it out and get back into the present. If not, seek professional counselling. And if you start obsessing about other women who may be immediately available, see a counsellor on an emergency basis. Why don't you go to the library and read a book on how to spice up your marriage. It may be comfortable for you but stuck at the same time. Comfortable is nice but sometimes we need a bit more than that to keep things interesting, expecially after knowing someone for ten years. And that's OK too. It doesn't mean you don't love your wife if you have to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted April 7, 2003 Share Posted April 7, 2003 It seems to me that there's nothing inherent in this ex girlfriend that has your mind suddenly turning to her. If there were large unresolved issues between the two of you I think you would have been aware of them long before this. So it seems more likely that this is less about her and more about your need to make a connection to someone outside of your marriage. Not suggesting you're seeking infidelity. But it's good to be aware of what's going on, what's driving you. It doesn't sound like it's this ex herself that is your driving force, but if you press on with wistfully thinking about her, communicating with her, etc., you'll be creating a relationship (friendship or otherwise) that you'll need to be able to justify -- to yourself, to this ex, etc. Why are you getting in touch with her? I just wonder if you'd find yourself sooner or later attaching more significance to her and to the relationship, since you can't think of any other reason why you're reaching out to her. There's nothing wrong with getting in touch with an ex, no. Although how relevant is she to your life at the moment -- living in another country, etc. Is that perhaps part of the reason for your interest, the fact that she has nothing to do with your current life? Maybe you just need to expand your current life in a new direction. No matter how good things are we all need change, otherwise we stagnate. But the new direction needn't fully exclude your family in order to be satisfying. just some thoughts Link to post Share on other sites
Reminiscing Posted April 11, 2003 Share Posted April 11, 2003 Thanks for your replies. In many ways, I think you've hit the nail on the head and I really should find the source of this problem that I've been having. I figure it's not so much to do with the ex herself, but rather the fact that I'm projecting wistfulness into a past that I've perhaps characterised as being blissful and carefree. Maybe she just happened to be there at a time when I felt the happiness associated with youth. Hmmm... I think we go through life's stages at such a speed that we feel there may be unfinished business with our past. But life is not about the past, is it? It's about what we are here, now. Should my life take a different direction outwardly? I don't know. That might create more unfinished business in the future. Maybe this is all just a call to be introspective about who I am and what I want out of life. That would be a productive use of this episode. Link to post Share on other sites
maria Posted May 31, 2003 Share Posted May 31, 2003 reply to reminiscing: hey,that's what my husband said,before his 3 year affair with his ex to!!!!!!!!!!!!! please don't get me wrong ok,im not being ugly either. but,to me,calling them up,is just a being of an affair. my husband said:we just started talking one day. and the next thing we knew,we were bed buddies. im not good at explaining myself here. but please,please be very careful. maria Link to post Share on other sites
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