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Do men always use sex to express love with their partners?


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Old 16th September 2009, 4:49 PM   #1
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Do men always use sex to express love with their partners?

This has been touched on in another thread, but since their are so many men upset with the sex in their relationships, I thought I'd start a thread on this.

I keep hearing that for men, sex is the way they feel/express love. does this mean that when they have sex with their wives that it is always an expression of love? Could it be that many times it is simply a way to relieve tension (don't know how else to say this) and it doesn't matter who they're with? Is it possible that for men sex doesn't always equal love?

I'll be honest, I don't think it always has to equal love. I'm just curious about how others see this.
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Old 16th September 2009, 5:05 PM   #2
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No, it does not equal love, but it is a way to express love and intimacy. There are other ways to express love too...for some guys its being able to provide, its being able to take care of their family, its being able to spend time..it all adds up.

Being denied any expression of love can be a blow...not just to guys *sigh* And even if it is to relieve tension or simply for the bio need to be sexual...when you are denied, it is taken personally, it does hurt, it is a blow to the ego and many other things....
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Old 16th September 2009, 5:15 PM   #3
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This is kind of my hodge-podge theory, based on reading about it.

Testosterone = libido.

Men have substantially higher levels of testosterone, than women, therefore the instinct to mate is higher in men.

Combine this with ego, pride and validation, as well as the effects of dopamine and oxytocin, bonding chemicals, and you have the male need for sex. This includes the negative impact of constant rejection from their mates, if sex is an issue within their relationship.

So no, generally speaking, sex does not equal love for men but it can be part of their expression of love.
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Old 16th September 2009, 5:17 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by angie2443 View Post
Is it possible that for men sex doesn't always equal love?
most of the time sex = sex
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Old 16th September 2009, 6:36 PM   #5
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I'm a woman who has a higher sex drive than any man I've ever been with, including my current partner (under more ideal circumstances), though he comes the closest to a match that I've known. I think sex can be a wonderful expression of love and is a high form of intimacy, and I have certainly been known to use sexual contact to express my affection for and pleasure in him. Yet we still had a problem brewing on this very subject which needed to be addressed just last night.

We have a baby who is a CRAP sleeper. It's not just waking up hungry, he's also constantly either teething, gassy, has reflux, or going through a growth spurt, so frequently he's up and upset every forty-five minutes to an hour. I'm the one who gets up with him all night every night so I'm exhausted and cranky, too...and my partner works long hours at a challenging job.

Because the kid is such a light and needy sleeper (and he sleeps in our bedroom until we can sell this place, tough in this market) we've evolved a pattern where I sit in our room with him in the dark in the evenings. I am the one who puts him to sleep, and he is hysterical if he wakes up and I'm not in here and then it can take over an hour to get him back to sleep. If, however, he wakes up and I AM here, I can put my hand on him or hum a few bars of his lullabye and he will usually go back out pretty quickly. I try to get some writing/research done at this time, or surf the internet, but it is boring and lonely and I often feel kind of trapped; I have expressed this to my partner a few times, and he used to come in and watch movies on headphones with me and cuddle and have whispered conversations, and he would help me if the baby needed rocking or walking back to sleep. Then he got bored, too. It got to a point where he would always sit out in the living room having a couple of beers and playing video games to unwind while I was stuck alone and on duty in a dark silent tomb EVERY NIGHT. He would only come in when he wanted to get laid, and then he would pass out afterwards. Not cool!

So we talked about the whole 'sex as expression' thing and it came out that while he thought he was coming in to be close to me and express love and affection (and get his rocks off), I was starting to feel used and resentful, even though I loved the sex. I would have been happy to have the sex more often, if only the cuddling and conversations and movies had been kept up, too.

I guess the moral of that story is that no matter how much BOTH partners might feel like sex is a great way to experience intimacy and togetherness, you still gotta put in the time for everything else.
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Old 16th September 2009, 6:52 PM   #6
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Combine this with ego, pride and validation, as well as the effects of dopamine and oxytocin, bonding chemicals
You left out "beer" .

Sometimes it means "I love you and am comfortable enough to be vulnerable and open" since, as the threads here demonstrate, there is much risk of misunderstanding on both partner's side...

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Old 16th September 2009, 7:25 PM   #7
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You left out "beer" .

Sometimes it means "I love you and am comfortable enough to be vulnerable and open" since, as the threads here demonstrate, there is much risk of misunderstanding on both partner's side...

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If I have to include beer, there's pizza and also the remote control, with HDTV and digital satellite!

Are we talking about sex = love or are we talking about the male Utopia?
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Old 16th September 2009, 7:29 PM   #8
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sex with the same woman (i.e. wife) over and over and over and over again would just become drudgery and a chore, no matter how much love was involved
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Old 16th September 2009, 8:02 PM   #9
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sex with the same woman (i.e. wife) over and over and over and over again would just become drudgery and a chore, no matter how much love was involved

I guess I should count my self lucky, then, that my partner would still rather have sex with me than take out the garbage.
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Old 16th September 2009, 8:58 PM   #10
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sex with the same woman (i.e. wife) over and over and over and over again would just become drudgery and a chore, no matter how much love was involved
Maybe SOME women pick up on this feeling from their husbands, and that's why SOME men end up in a sexless marriage. I mean if a woman feels like her husband feels like its a chore, then they probably figure why bother.
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Old 17th September 2009, 4:22 AM   #11
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Sex can be a component of (romantic) love or a thing on its own, it is not a constant but depends on the relationship, the 2 (or more) people in it and the moment in time...

And.... Not only for men - but also for women (especially those who did not have their libidos hammered out of them by traditional upbringing...). Basically - if male and female alike did not share the need for sex - we would not be here today... Very simple....

IMO in most sexless relationships (excluding physical causes), for at least one of the partners the romantic love is over, the platonic love may still be there (because your partner is also a long-time friend), but the physical attraction and therefore the desire for sex (with that specific partner) is gone. So it is not the sex that is the problems - but the definition of the feelings within the relationship, no ?

On the "chore" subject : this is correct IMO.. not only the physical act becomes monotonous, but the excitement of the hunt is no longer there...As for the physical - I suppose a couple can try new things, as for the rest - I have no idea, but maybe this can be a part of the reason why so many people in an unstable relationship experience the excitement for much longer.

Last edited by Neutrino; 17th September 2009 at 4:34 AM..
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Old 17th September 2009, 5:14 AM   #12
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for me, it always has been an expression of love...
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Old 17th September 2009, 7:16 AM   #13
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I'm a woman who has a higher sex drive than any man I've ever been with, including my current partner ....
Women say this but in the end it always seems like they want 'closeness' and 'affection' more than they want actual sex. I've never been with a woman who was as sexually driven as I am, although I've met some who were more driven than their partners apparently.



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I guess the moral of that story is that no matter how much BOTH partners might feel like sex is a great way to experience intimacy and togetherness, you still gotta put in the time for everything else.
Like I said ....
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Old 17th September 2009, 9:31 AM   #14
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For me, I EXPRESS my love through other means. Doing things for her, getting her things, telling her things, etc. However, in my case, I think it's through sex that I FEEL the most loved.
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Old 17th September 2009, 10:16 AM   #15
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No, it does not equal love, but it is a way to express love and intimacy. There are other ways to express love too...for some guys its being able to provide, its being able to take care of their family, its being able to spend time..it all adds up.

Being denied any expression of love can be a blow...not just to guys *sigh* And even if it is to relieve tension or simply for the bio need to be sexual...when you are denied, it is taken personally, it does hurt, it is a blow to the ego and many other things....

I pretty much 100% agree with this. It might only be 2% of a relationship but it makes the other 98% more real, better, more meaningful.

I know what I mean even if no-one else does.
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