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Second wife compared to first wife


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Lonelyblue

I was separated with my first husband 8 years ago so I became a single parent to our son who is now 11 years old. I met an unhappy married guy whom I shared all my heartaches. We are both miserable about our lives so we started to get along together. Eventually, he decided to finally leave his wife and start a new life with me. I'm not sure of my decision coz I know I have an obligation to my son but then, I accepted it coz I love him. We've been together now for 2 years but every time we have arguements or misunderstanding, he always compares me to his first wife. His first wife always arrange all his needs while me, I don't have time to prepare his breakfast coz I must work. Yes, I must work hard because though we are together as a couple, all the expenses at home must be divided equally on both of us. I don't have any resources so I must work to have a share on this and to sustain my son's need. Now, I always been compare to his first wife.. "she always have time for me.. she cook for me.. she did everything for me.." As I remember, his wife just stayed at home and took care of their kids and just wait for his salary to budget for their needs. I have my son to take care of also and I must work to survive.. How can I serve him the way his first wife did? Pls help me. Thanks.

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Wait, I thought you said he was unhappily married? Now he's saying she was better than you?

 

Figures.

 

Since you say that "[you] must work" it seems she was a stay at home mom/housewife? It seems you are saying that she did all those things because she didn't work. Am I off?

 

You aren't seriously considerng serving this guy? Serving him with what? Any man that compares you to a previous relationship is sending out major red flags.

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whimsical_memory

The simple answer is this: You cannot 'live' up to the first wife.

 

The worst thing you can do though (to yourself) is to allow this man to continue to chip away at your self-confidence. You are doing yourself and your child a disservice to stay in this relationship.

 

I have been where you are. My ex's first wife was everything that I am not. Beautiful, slender, popular with their friends. But she ran around and cheated on him, wasted his money and openly flaunted the fact that their son was probably not his. As much as my ex despised his ex-wife for everything bad that she had become, he loved the more superficial aspects of her.

 

We met at a very bad time in his life, he had just lost his house to Katrina and I was his shoulder to cry on. I truly believed that my love would be enough to change his outlook on life, and that the love of my children would help ease some of his emotional pain.

 

We were together for four years, my children called him 'Daddy' and his son called me 'Mommy'. We had our fights, and when we did, he always mentioned that his ex was like this or like that. And it would hurt me to the quick that despite all that she had done, he was still in love with her (of course he tried to deny that).

 

In 2008 on the day of my youngest daughter's birthday, he told me that he never loved me, it made him sick to hear my girls call him daddy but that I kept the house clean and the sex was good.

 

Please understand...I told you this not to turn the focus onto me but rather to make you understand that it will not get any better. I do not want to see another woman (or child) go through the pain and heartache that my children and me went through.

 

You say you have a job, and that is wonderful. Please, please leave him before he can hurt you anymore.

 

Emotional and mental abuse are sometimes the worst kind of abuse, because the bruised feelings and hurt may never heal completely.

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Chrome Barracuda
The simple answer is this: You cannot 'live' up to the first wife.

 

The worst thing you can do though (to yourself) is to allow this man to continue to chip away at your self-confidence. You are doing yourself and your child a disservice to stay in this relationship.

 

I have been where you are. My ex's first wife was everything that I am not. Beautiful, slender, popular with their friends. But she ran around and cheated on him, wasted his money and openly flaunted the fact that their son was probably not his. As much as my ex despised his ex-wife for everything bad that she had become, he loved the more superficial aspects of her.

 

We met at a very bad time in his life, he had just lost his house to Katrina and I was his shoulder to cry on. I truly believed that my love would be enough to change his outlook on life, and that the love of my children would help ease some of his emotional pain.

 

We were together for four years, my children called him 'Daddy' and his son called me 'Mommy'. We had our fights, and when we did, he always mentioned that his ex was like this or like that. And it would hurt me to the quick that despite all that she had done, he was still in love with her (of course he tried to deny that).

 

In 2008 on the day of my youngest daughter's birthday, he told me that he never loved me, it made him sick to hear my girls call him daddy but that I kept the house clean and the sex was good.

 

Please understand...I told you this not to turn the focus onto me but rather to make you understand that it will not get any better. I do not want to see another woman (or child) go through the pain and heartache that my children and me went through.

 

You say you have a job, and that is wonderful. Please, please leave him before he can hurt you anymore.

 

Emotional and mental abuse are sometimes the worst kind of abuse, because the bruised feelings and hurt may never heal completely.

 

You say you dont want children to go through pain and heartache and yet...your in his life and he disrespects you and disses you to your face. openly, brazenly and the most disturbingly piece of this story is that, this is what you wanted, your actions have led you to be with him, so in essence you got what you wanted...

 

Which was the man your with now. You left your husband, he left his So-called cheating wife, and now he is still in love with her. So your damned if you do, damned if you dont.

 

The choice is yours as it has always been.

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Lonelyblue

Yes, he was cheated by his first wife. He told me that he saw his first wife and his older brother kissing. He didn't confronted his wife nor his brother about it & they didn't know that he knew about their affair. He just left their home without discussing anything about their problems.

 

I can feel that he still love his first wife though he tries to hide it. The only thing that I am good at is on bed(he said)... that insults me.. but for him, it's a compliment.

 

Now, I'm bothered coz I'm afraid that I'm pregnant. I'm not yet prepared.

 

Thanks for your comments..

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How can I serve him the way his first wife did? Pls help me. Thanks.

 

You are not his first wife. And he even left her for you, so he needs to accept that you are you and she is she... and you do not 'serve' him.

 

Don't start serving him now! You will be rewarding him for comparing you negatively to his first wife!

 

Tell him you never want to hear about his wife ever again. That if he ever again compares you to her, he can ef-off out of your home and back to his demolished house that Katrina wiped out...

 

He sounds like a user.

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I have been where you are. My ex's first wife was everything that I am not. Beautiful, slender, popular with their friends. But she ran around and cheated on him, wasted his money and openly flaunted the fact that their son was probably not his. As much as my ex despised his ex-wife for everything bad that she had become, he loved the more superficial aspects of her.

 

And it would hurt me to the quick that despite all that she had done, he was still in love with her (of course he tried to deny that).

 

You're a brave woman to share such a brutally honest story. To the OP get out now. He's showing signs of that type of guy.

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Jersey Shortie

You should have stayed away from the married men. I wouldn't be surpised if in a couple years you are the 2nd wife and he is moved on to the 3rd. If he couldn't even stand by his first wife and child, what makes you think you're so special to make him to this time around?

 

Leave the relationship.

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Chrome Barracuda

I think you should leave LB. I replied to the whimsical I tell you the say thing as well.

 

No woman should have to suffer from that even though you chose this man. Is this what you really wanted?

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  • 2 weeks later...
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I think you should leave LB. I replied to the whimsical I tell you the say thing as well.

 

No woman should have to suffer from that even though you chose this man. Is this what you really wanted?

 

Thanks Chrome Barracuda. Actually, I was not sure of my decision the time I decided to live with him.. All I am sure that time is that, I love him and I can't leave him on those rough moments of his life.. I believe that he needs me..

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For everyone's sake, I hope you aren't pregnant.

 

Lucky One, I'm not sure if this is a good news or bad.. but I'm 1 month pregnant now. So now, I'm really confuse.. How can I get out in this relationship? I've been a single parent on my son & I see how it affects him for growing up without a father. This time, will I let it be happened again on my second child? Am really confuse..

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Chrome Barracuda

Did you leave your husband for this man???

 

You dont need to have THIS particular man in your life raising your ex-husband's son. I assume his bio-father has 50% custody and takes him on his days like split parents do?

 

Is it because your guilty about how you met him, is that why you stay?

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