The basis of a relationship

[HalfEaten Heart]

Recently my partner of thirteen years told me that she thought that 25% of our relationship, from her perspective, was based on a need to provide with me with a family and partner having been adopted and raised by a disfunctional family and had unhappy relationships prior to meeting her.

 

I feel utterly devasted. I dont think anything has hit me this hard in life.

 

I feel that 25% is based on pity.

 

Your thoughts please

[Tony T]

I don't really understand your post because it's not written clearly. It is not clear who was adopted...who came from the dysfunctional family, etc.

 

It doesn't really matter though. This whole thing requires an in depth discussion between partners. If one or the other does, in fact, have issues from the past that need to be resolved then seek professional help.

 

If 25 percent of the relationship is actually based on some sick or irrational need being filled and that part is healed through therapy or the help of a counsellor, then 25 percent of the relationship will die with the healing....since that percentage of the purpose of the relationship will no longer be there.

 

So you are backed into a corner. You have nowhere to go. If the relationship gets no help, it stays 25 percent for unhealthy purposes. If that part gets resolved and heals, then 25 percent of the reason for the relationship no longer exists.

 

Go figure...and God Bless You!!!

[velvet]

She feels you need a good family. She wants to provide that for you. She has some pity because anybody who was blessed with a warm loving family would have pity for those who were not so blessed. Sounds like she just wants to make you happy.

[Ally Boo]

25% is such a small percentage....what about the other 75%? It's gotta be filled with the good qualities. Stop looking at the glass being half empty....look at that 75% full.

[HalfEaten Heart]

Thank you for your replies. They have been in my thoughts.

 

I have spoken to her and resolved this issue. Although Tony clarified how I felt (that 25% was based on some "sick or irrational need" - something she says is my interpretation of what she meant) I have begun to think that long-term relationships are based on a host of subconscious needs and wants. Ally Boo, my problem has always been the glass is half empty. Second law of thermodynamics init? Velvet - very true.

 

One issue she raised (at the time of the 25% point) and something I have hidden, repressed and built many walls around is the issue of my adoption. She said that she thought there was a deep sense and a fear of rejection in my personality, which really hit a nerve. Ive always rejected the notion that adoption should be used as an excuse for problems (my brother used this for his benefit whenever he could.) Despite my adopted family's dysfunction (in no small part to my brothers problems) my parents were very very loving. I grew up seeing them as my parents and denying that any issues might have been created around the birth parents.

 

Having spent a couple of days researching on the net it is apparent that it can cause a host of problems. For examples monkeys removed from their birth mothers (and despite being placed with a surrogate mother) display within 24hrs a drop in body temperature and a host of physiological changes.

 

I feel it is a scar I have to heal before being able to move on.

 

A feeling of rejection made all the more poignant and tragic as I found out last night that despite my birth parents splitting before my birth and my birth mothers new partner and husband wanting to raise me and visiting me in hospital (born 2 months prematurely), she still gave me up.

[midori]

I think you're right that relationships are about subconscious needs -- and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We have needs, we're not always aware of them, so what? The problems come in, I think, when we deny that we have needs, when we fail to acknowledge the ways our relationships (platonic, romantic, familial) fulfill them.

 

And I also agree that your adoption would naturally be a source of problems for you. Wouldn't that be true for most people? Everyone plays a role in a family, and if your brother was making the family pay for his own issues surrounding adoption, then you might have (subconsciously!) taken on the task of showing that adoption needn't be problematic; so you never got the chance to confront your own issues with adoption. If so, maybe now these issues are finally surfacing. The fact that your partner of 13 years has observed that you need to have a loving & supportive family shows that she's tuned in to what's going on with you.

 

I notice you're in the UK, and relative to the British, Americans tend to be far more enthusiastic about therapy and counseling. Nonetheless I do recommend that you seek some counseling to explore your fear of rejection, and the other very natural feelings you have about your birth parents, and your adopted family. It sounds like you've done pretty well in life so far, but perhaps the coping mechanisms that you developed to get as far as you have are not going to work for you anymore. Happens to us all, adopted or not. And that's when we have to address the issues the coping mechanisms are no longer handling effectively. Thank goodness, it sounds like you've got a supportive partner to rely on. Don't take her for granted! Good luck.