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Am I in an abusive relationship?


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Old 21st June 2008, 12:30 PM   #1
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Question Am I in an abusive relationship?

I have been with my boyfriend for two years now and I have a son who calls him daddy. My son is 2 1/2 years old (i was a single mother entire time) Anyway... After me and my boyfriend moved in with each other last year, we started bickering a lot and now we fight on a regular basis. I am not looking for a fight-what happens is that if I get annoyed about something I let him know and want to talk about it. He just gets angry that I am irritated and just starts fuming. he's never hurt me but he breaks my stuff when he's angry and I just hide in the room by myself and don't talk to him. My father was incredibly abusive so I feel like I am really sensitive to him getting angry because it scares me. He's broken TV's, our front door, dishes, anything he sees that is mine.I am terrified that it will only get worse. How should I resolve this??????
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Old 21st June 2008, 12:40 PM   #2
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My father was incredibly abusive so I feel like I am really sensitive to him getting angry because it scares me. He's broken TV's, our front door, dishes, anything he sees that is mine.I am terrified that it will only get worse. How should I resolve this??????
IMO, your fears are well-founded. I would encourage you to listen to what your 'inner voice' is saying.

Personally, I would make him getting serious help with his anger issues a condition of maintaining the relationship.
In the meantime, I would also make other living arrangements so that my son is not subjected to this type of behaviour -- from your experience with your father, you know the emotional trauma that you are putting your son through, by having this angry, terrifying man in your son's home.

Too often, this type of uncontrollable anger does escalate -- if you do nothing, you are putting yourself and your son at unnecessary risk of future physical attacks...in addition to the persistent emotional trauma.

Wishing you and your son the best.
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Old 21st June 2008, 1:21 PM   #3
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Please elaborate on 'if I get annoyed by something I let him know.'

Because my sympathy for you or your boyfriend really depends on what annoys you, how often you get annoyed, and how you go about communicating this annoyance. Examples would be good. Unless you just want the 'abused victim' get out of jail free card.
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Old 21st June 2008, 2:09 PM   #4
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OP, how old are the two of you?

Also, could you give examples of things which annoy you and do not mention your boyfriend anywhere in those examples?
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Old 21st June 2008, 4:09 PM   #5
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Yes it's an abusive relationship. You have a 2 year old son. What happens when your son happens to be in the way of one of the objects your boyfriend is throwing? It will happen. Unless your boyfriend has a reason to change his behavior it will continue and esculate. Either you or your son is going to be seriously hurt.

I would, if you feel safe doing so, explain to your boyfriend that unless he gets help and works on his anger issues untill there under control, your leaving. Then, if he doesn't do something that same day, I would leave. Make sure you have an exit plan and take care of you and your son.
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Old 21st June 2008, 8:01 PM   #6
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a few answers

Ok here are a few answers to a few of the questions-

I am 22 and he is 28. I am not a nit-picky person I can stand a lot and have a LOT of patience. The things that irritate me are like when he snuck out to go out with his friends and get piss drunk the night before mother's day and I was worried about him (he turned off his phone so I couldn't check up on him-and I 'let' him go out ALL the time. Also we fight about the fact that he literally plays World of Warcraft (an online game) as much as he works.. and he works full-time, I don't want him to ever give up any of his hobbies or give up any of his friends and I tell him that all the time but he is paranoid and just assumes that since I am a woman I must have a secret agenda to steal his freedom and I have given him no reason to think that so I think for him it's a power struggle or something. So, at least I believe, that the things that I get irritated about are legitimate items of concern.
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Old 21st June 2008, 8:59 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by welchs08 View Post
Ok here are a few answers to a few of the questions-

I am 22 and he is 28. I am not a nit-picky person I can stand a lot and have a LOT of patience. The things that irritate me are like when he snuck out to go out with his friends and get piss drunk the night before mother's day and I was worried about him (he turned off his phone so I couldn't check up on him-and I 'let' him go out ALL the time. Also we fight about the fact that he literally plays World of Warcraft (an online game) as much as he works.. and he works full-time, I don't want him to ever give up any of his hobbies or give up any of his friends and I tell him that all the time but he is paranoid and just assumes that since I am a woman I must have a secret agenda to steal his freedom and I have given him no reason to think that so I think for him it's a power struggle or something. So, at least I believe, that the things that I get irritated about are legitimate items of concern.
Not only is he abusive, it looks like he is a cheater too. These are classic signs of a cheater. Get rid of him soon before it gets worse. Next time he picks something up to throw it , just leave immediately. And never ever put up with him sneaking out and turning his phone of, 99% of the time it involves cheating. It doesn't sound like a happy relationship at all, you deserve better for you and your child.
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Old 21st June 2008, 9:41 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by welchs08 View Post
I have been with my boyfriend for two years now and I have a son who calls him daddy. My son is 2 1/2 years old (i was a single mother entire time) Anyway... After me and my boyfriend moved in with each other last year, we started bickering a lot and now we fight on a regular basis. I am not looking for a fight-what happens is that if I get annoyed about something I let him know and want to talk about it. He just gets angry that I am irritated and just starts fuming. he's never hurt me but he breaks my stuff when he's angry and I just hide in the room by myself and don't talk to him. My father was incredibly abusive so I feel like I am really sensitive to him getting angry because it scares me. He's broken TV's, our front door, dishes, anything he sees that is mine.I am terrified that it will only get worse. How should I resolve this??????
It sounds to me like he has anger issues that need to be addressed, and you do NOT need to be the brunt of that. Has he ever realized that perhaps his temper is an issue?

AP
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Old 22nd June 2008, 5:49 AM   #9
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Drinking the day before Mother's Day! What a cad!
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Old 22nd June 2008, 10:13 AM   #10
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sounds like you just want him to be there for you and these things are keeping him from doing that. if you tell him this and he is unconcerned, maybe he's taking a free ride??

anger like that is bad -- I have a bad temper, too, and am guilty of throwing & breaking stuff). It's bad. Are you able to reconnect afterward?
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