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Am I wrong to want my wife to be more of what is a stereotypical wife?


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MikeThatsMe

Hello, this is my first post here. I've read a lot of stuff on here, and I have decided to ask my own question.

 

My wife and I have only been married for two months, but we have lived together for two years. When we first moved in together, she cleaned, did cute little things for me, and we had what I thought was a pretty healthy sex life.

 

She has never cooked, I have always been the one that cooks, and I love to cook. It would just be nice to maybe every once in a while have someone else do the work. Her idea of cooking is putting some microwave burritos in, or calling the pizza guy. That is what happens if I don't make something.

 

Now, while I do all the cooking, I also do all the cleaning. I do all the dishes (she does them every once in a while), I don't think she even knows how to use a mop. She doesn't do anything that I ask, and she gets angry at me if I repeatedly ask her to do something. She'll promise me she is going to do something, and then doesn't. Our sex life has also died off, and when we are intimate, it is always by her rules and we do what she wants.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for her to only cook clean and have sex, but it would be nice if she would do something for me, once in a while. I do everything I can to make her happy, and she just takes advantage of it. I feel like it should be a two way street, but it seems it is only going one way.

 

I understand she is busy, she has a job, does roller derby, and is in graduate school, but she has time to screw around on the internet, play on myspace and facebook, and watch TV. Shouldn't she have time for me?

 

Am I being selfish and expecting too much? Would it kill her to sit down and write some thank you notes from our wedding like she promised me she'd do? would it kill her to cook me dinner once in awhile or maybe clean up or do the dishes after I cook?

 

Anyone with some more experience out there have any input? I don't want our marraige to start off in the wrong direction, and end before it starts!

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Its possible she has gotten "comfortable" in the marriage. Sometimes when that happens, people will let things kind of slip, as far as chores or helping out sometimes, etc.

 

So she knows how you feel on these issues? Some people do not like to cook. Some do not like to do laundry. I don't care for mopping. My wife on the other hand has no problem with it. She doesn't care to dust. I have no problem with that. So we kind of pick and choose what we do as far as cleaning. Yes, there have been times I mopped even though I didn't care for it and vice versa. But I understand what you're saying, it would be nice if your wife cooked once in awhile.

 

The only thing I know to suggest, if maybe try getting into some couples counseling. You all have not been together that long nor married that long. It might be best to try to get on the same page with some things early on if you can. If not, it may only get worse as time goes on.

 

Hopefully someone else can give you more suggestions.

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You said:

She has never cooked.

You do the dishes and cleaning.

She doesn't do anything you ask, even if you repeatedly ask her.

When intimate, it's by her rules and what she wants to do.

 

It sounded as if you were saying she was like this before you two got married, is that right? Have her actions changed since marriage? Four months before the marriage were the two of you having wild sex and any way you wanted it? :)

 

Your in a tough bind. But your biggest problem is that you didn't communicate with your wife about how your expectations were going to change after marriage. I get the feeling you expected her to suddenly carry her share of the relationship even though she hadn't been doing that prior to marriage. I think the unspoken message was that things were great the way they were, and you were so happy with the way things were that you would give her the biggest commitment you could.

 

I'd suggest you sit down with your wife and talk with her. She does have a heavy load on her plate with work, and grad school. That's kind of like holding down 2 jobs to your 1. She isn't going to have the amount of time you might like for her to do dishes, mop floors, and cook.. and still have energy for sex afterward.

 

I'm not saying she shouldn't contribute to the household, but when you talk to her about your issues make sure you are clear with her that you do understand the pressure she is under and how hard that must be. If you dismiss the effort she's putting in to work and school by insisting she has enough time to play on the internet, she's going to get defensive and fight you. It'll undermine your real goal, and neither of you will be happy with the outcome.

 

So focus on one goal at this time. Either you would like more help around the house? Or maybe you'd rather she was more accomadating in the bedroom? If I were you, I'd pick one at this point, and leave the other for a later time. You hit her with both at once and you're going to sound like an a$$ ('cause frankly it sounds bad to me, and I'm not the person your upset with). Make a smaller change at this time in order to alleviate the resentment you're feeling, and allow her a better chance at making the changes you would like made. Big huge changes (she's never cooked your entire relationship) aren't going to come out of just one discussion. It'll take time, and a hell of a lot of communication, understanding, and comprimise.

 

I honestly think you need to break down the problems you're having into smaller chunks, and work to resolve the those one at a time. You've saved up your list of issues until you've got something that would daunt even the most energetic of people.

 

My suggestion is you work the intimacy issue. The rest won't seem nearly as bad if you're at least getting your sexual desires met. Plus, anyone can do dishes. You can hire people to do dishes. You probably shouldn't hire people to give you sex while in a relationship. Not if you want to keep the relationship.

 

Talk to your wife about how your feeling. Don't demand she change. Don't tell her she's not doing enough. It'll make her defensive and it won't get you to the goal. Your focus needs to be on the goal. Not pointing the finger at who dropped the ball.

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zomgsavemymarriage

I am in a similar situation. The only difference my wife will cook, maybe once a week on our days off together(we have weird work schedules).

 

She has become more lazy about cleaning as well. And our sex life is garbage.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with reasonable expectations for her to be the "typical wife". After all, I am sure she wants you to be the typical husband, bring home big money, squish spiders in the home, mow the lawn, lift heavy stuff around, etc.

 

In my wonderful marriage I have developed a punishment system for when my wife does not do her "duties" per say. It is sort of an eye for eye system. For example, if most of the week when I come home and the house is messy and she hasn't done much, then I might "forget" to take out the trash that week. We don't accumulate that much trash in a week so it is not that big of a deal, but if she gets on me about not taking out the trash I just shoot back the house isn't swept. I just love the bewildered look on her face because she can't figure out what to say next, and she goes back to watching TV.

 

When I do dishes I just put my dishes in the dishwasher and leave hers to accumulate in the sink until she does them. Lately when we grocery shop together(which is rare) I'll put my groceries on the conveyor and then set that divider bar up so she can put her groceries behind mine. I make her pay for her own groceries. Our pathetic little marriage has become tit for tat, and she is so apathetic she doesn't even catch on!

 

If she didn't neglect my emotional and sexual needs I would never do stuff like this. I am not this kind of person but feel I have to be to get back at her for being a prude.

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My wife and I have only been married for two months, but we have lived together for two years. When we first moved in together, she cleaned, did cute little things for me, and we had what I thought was a pretty healthy sex life.

 

OK, what I'm struggling with is this. You have lived together for 2 years and only got married only 2 months ago. Surely you knew all this before you got married, didn't you?

 

I don't want our marriage to start off in the wrong direction, and end before it starts!

 

Sounds a bit late for that.

 

You guys need to talk about this. If she won't talk or you can't both talk in a way that actually communicates, then time for counselling. Problems are to be expected in marriage. What makes all the difference is what you do about them.

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If these things were a problem before hand, I'm assuming maybe you figured or had hoped they would change once married?

 

I say talk to your wife about how you feel, make it clear what bothers you. Comminucation is the key. See if you both can come to some kind of compromise on things. Learn to accept each others differences as far as what one likes to do and what one doesn't. Find a commmon ground if you can.

 

Out of curiosty, how old are you both?

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IMO, wifey wants a manservant. Don't be him. I've been him for way too long. There's nothing worse than a woman who takes her man for granted, especially if he's doing all the traditional "man things" as well as her "jobs". This is an area where, while in MC, I have become angrier and angrier about. It's just pure laziness.

 

OP, the person in your relationship who cares the least has the most control. Right now, who is that? :)

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I am in a similar situation.

I don't think your situation is even in the same galaxy.

 

I have developed a punishment system for when my wife does not do her "duties" per say.

I just put my dishes in the dishwasher and leave hers to accumulate in the sink....when we grocery shop together(which is rare) I'll put my groceries on the conveyor and then set that divider bar up so she can put her groceries behind mine. I make her pay for her own groceries.

Gee, I wonder why she doesn't want to grocery shop with you. That's sooo weird. :rolleyes: She really must be pathetic to actually stay with a man who would treat her with such respect and dignity as you do. </sarcasm>

 

If she didn't neglect my emotional and sexual needs I would never do stuff like this. I am not this kind of person but feel I have to be to get back at her for being a prude.

You ARE that kind of person. Or you wouldn't have sunk so low in your behavior.

 

You've neglected her emotional needs. She's neglected yours. You two need to get divorced. Just cut the apron strings, ok? Like dust ever killed anyone. Like that's the biggest problem in the whole world. You're not even angry about the stupid mopping/dishes/grocery thing. You're pissed that she isn't meeting your sexual/emotional needs. Stop being a spoiled boy and wake the hell up. If you want your emotional needs met then stop f*cking playing games about garbage bags. Deal with the real issue instead of the stupid mind games. No wonder your woman is apathetic. She's probably still trying to figure out how mopping the floor has anything to do with why her husband is a rude insensitive jerk.

 

Your marriage is a sham. Just kill it now, and put the both of you out of your suffering. geesh.

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zomgsavemymarriage

You are so way off base it is not funny. Read my thread on my marriage to understand the full situation.

 

I have not neglected her emotional needs because she does NOT have any! She is insanely apathetic, never shows emotion. You have no clue the depths I have went to show her how much I care, and she puts in an effort to show how much she doesn't care!

 

I agree the game I am playing now is silly but I am not going to let her run all over me. No longer I am the fool with my heart on my sleeve with arms outstretched waiting for her. I have to have some way of getting back at her frustrating me to the point of tears while my emotional needs are not met.

 

You are completely clueless to what I have been thru and next time read my thread before judging me.

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She should contribute to the household but you shouldn't expect her to cook, clean and all that just because she is your wife. You are treating her like a child by developing a punishment system and I can see why she would resent it. You two need to sit down and find out how you both will do your half as far as taking care of the household instead of trying to play these power games.

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You are completely clueless to what I have been thru and next time read my thread before judging me.

I read your thread. If you want to take this discussion back there, then we can do that. Otherwise, this is Mike's thread, to deal with his issues.

 

But your situation isn't similiar to his. His wife wasn't abused in her past, she doesn't have endometriosis, etc. Mike never mentioned how his wife "won't even flatter me by letting me sit close to her while watching a movie on a Saturday night", so I don't think you two have any comparison between relationships.

 

And becasue your situations are very dissimilar, I would hate for Mike to attempt the "Tit for Tat" game that you've decided to play with your wife. I think it would completely ruin his marriage. He has a really great opportunity right now to create a better and stronger relationship then they had before they got married. I want to see him accomplish that.

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zomgsavemymarriage

Wrong again.

 

How do you know for sure that his wife hasn't had any past issues? Just because he didn't mention it, doesn't mean something ever happened!

 

I am not telling him to do the "Tit for tat" game, I only telling him about my situation(this is a forum correct?).

 

Though our situations are not similiar down to the last detail, there is still certain situations that are similiar. For example, my wife being open with me and doing things for me, and then off a sudden changing without reason, or giving a reason. He mentions his wife being defensive, so does mine.

 

And the fact my wife watches a lot of TV, plays on Myspace, and generally acts like there is no time for me is similiar too.

 

And the sex life getting worse, once again just like me.

 

Get your ducks in a row, or leave my posts alone.

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Hello, this is my first post here. I've read a lot of stuff on here, and I have decided to ask my own question.

 

My wife and I have only been married for two months, but we have lived together for two years. When we first moved in together, she cleaned, did cute little things for me, and we had what I thought was a pretty healthy sex life.

 

She has never cooked, I have always been the one that cooks, and I love to cook. It would just be nice to maybe every once in a while have someone else do the work. Her idea of cooking is putting some microwave burritos in, or calling the pizza guy. That is what happens if I don't make something.

 

Now, while I do all the cooking, I also do all the cleaning. I do all the dishes (she does them every once in a while), I don't think she even knows how to use a mop. She doesn't do anything that I ask, and she gets angry at me if I repeatedly ask her to do something. She'll promise me she is going to do something, and then doesn't. Our sex life has also died off, and when we are intimate, it is always by her rules and we do what she wants.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for her to only cook clean and have sex, but it would be nice if she would do something for me, once in a while. I do everything I can to make her happy, and she just takes advantage of it. I feel like it should be a two way street, but it seems it is only going one way.

 

I understand she is busy, she has a job, does roller derby, and is in graduate school, but she has time to screw around on the internet, play on myspace and facebook, and watch TV. Shouldn't she have time for me?

 

Am I being selfish and expecting too much? Would it kill her to sit down and write some thank you notes from our wedding like she promised me she'd do? would it kill her to cook me dinner once in awhile or maybe clean up or do the dishes after I cook?

 

Anyone with some more experience out there have any input? I don't want our marraige to start off in the wrong direction, and end before it starts!

 

What were your expectations before you married and were they clearly conveyed to her?

 

Since you lived together first, if you didn't have and convey expectations otherwise, why should she think she should change just because she has the new label of wife?

 

I'm not saying it's too late for the two of you to set perameters and boundaries for the marriage to be in force in the future but I don't see where you have any claim on an instantaneous change to what you want.

 

Do the two of you communicate well enough to have a conversation, not a confrontation about this and are you both invested enough in your marriage to work together to come to some reasonable compromise?

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My wife and I have only been married for two months, but we have lived together for two years. When we first moved in together, she cleaned, did cute little things for me, and we had what I thought was a pretty healthy sex life.

 

You've been living together for more than two years. I assume you knew each other for at least a bit longer than that. So... you're probably at a point in your relationship where the Infatuation phase has ended.

 

Infatuation isn't just an emotional response. It's also physiological, whereby lots of interesting chemicals are produced within the body upon contact with the object of one's desires. This response is actually measurable on MRI of the brain. Your adrenal system starts whooshing out all these different neurotransmitters... and all of the sudden you've got significant changes in brain chemistry. (Cool stuff. You can find lots of info just browsing the net.)

 

Anyway... the down-side is that this stage of a relationship only lasts for about 2-4 years, more if there's some kind of additional excitement, say in the case of an illicit affairs where there's an element of intrigue or the affair couple isn't in constant contact. Otherwise... the shelf-life of infatuation is fairly finite. View it as a Seed from which Mature Love might either grow or whither.

 

Now, as in all things which need nurturing, Love needs care and attention. We have to remember that for the purposes of long-term relationships, Love isn't so much a noun as it is a verb. Love is something you do. ;)

 

That's why it's important for each of you to actively love your partner in whatever way they best notice and appreciate your thoughtfulness. You each want your loving actions recognized for what they're intended to be. Think of i this way... it does no good to love someone if they can't feel your love.

 

Toward that end, I'd recommend that you read a copy of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Read it together... aloud and in bed if possible. That way you can use it as a focal point for discussion in a place you both already associate with intimacy.

 

She has never cooked, I have always been the one that cooks, and I love to cook. It would just be nice to maybe every once in a while have someone else do the work. Her idea of cooking is putting some microwave burritos in, or calling the pizza guy. That is what happens if I don't make something.

 

Now, while I do all the cooking, I also do all the cleaning. I do all the dishes (she does them every once in a while), I don't think she even knows how to use a mop. She doesn't do anything that I ask, and she gets angry at me if I repeatedly ask her to do something. She'll promise me she is going to do something, and then doesn't.

 

Relationships need not be traditional in terms of 'his' and hers' roles as they pertain to The Division of Labor. So, it's just fine for men to be good at cooking and for women to mow the grass. But.... just because someone is good at something doesn't mean that the other person has an excuse to refrain from developing a given skill-set.

 

If you're doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning, you're going to eventually build resentment. And Resentment is a marriage killer, blocking the flow of love within the relationship. When given a specific choice... ALWAYS choose the path of least resentment.

 

For your purposes... why not consider dividing the chores up with each of you taking a week to provide meals for the other? On alternate weeks, the other partner can do the laundry and vacuuming... then, schedule a half-day of togetherness in the form of a GI party for dusting and heavier cleaning.

 

Remember as you accomplish your chores... that your goal is Active Love. So, when it's your week to plan meals, you might light some candles on the table, or prepare a special dish. You'll be amazed at how reciprocal a relationship can become when YOU are going the extra mile. At that point, you're leading by example, and you'll be rewarding her with lavish praise when she goes the extra mile.

 

But you'll also want to observe the Golden Rule and treat her as you'd like to be treated on the days when she bombs. No one is perfect. Forgiveness is essential. Backsliding is normal because what we're talking about here is a process. There's no permanent 'fix'. What you're doing instead, is developing healthier relationship habits for the both of you.

 

Our sex life has also died off, and when we are intimate, it is always by her rules and we do what she wants.

 

This is normal too. As I mentioned earlier, the Infatuation phase has begun to fade and you two are transitioning into Mature Love. You can't rely any longer on big gushes from the adrenal system in order to advance sexual desire. The two of you need to find 'a new way to do business'.

 

This is an expansive subject, and you can find lots of info here at LS by browsing with keywords like "sexless marriage" or "female libido". Here's one such thread and you'll find more from there:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101000/

 

Without getting into a very long diatribe though... the thing to remember is that men have TWENTY TIMES more testosterone than women do. Women tend to be more fluid than static over the course of their lives in terms of libido. The reproductive system allows for spikes in sexual interest, but these are much different than the veritable flood of chemicals caused by the adrenal system during the initial infatuation stage.

 

What's required in order for a married couple to maintain Sexual Intimacy is a healthy level of Emotional Intimacy. You BOTH have to feel valued emotionally, and often... we see men feeling valued when their wives appreciate them sexually and women feeling valued when their husbands are emotionally engaged and thoughtful. (Type into your browser, "Why Women Leave Men, Harley" and read the article you find there. It'll get you thinking about what's required for emotional partnership.)

 

Anyway, there's quite a bit of information to be had when one begins to explore the sexual relationship within marriage. The cure is EDUCATION. Your wife isn't a man. She'll never be a man. The only way she can truly experience what it is to be you... is for you to share your view with her. It's not something done in a day or in a single conversation. It took YEARS for her to develop her views on sexuality. It will take time for you to each learn the other's POV.

 

Consider the information that we give societally to our daughters about boys and sex. That information may be appropriate to keeping young girls from being objectified sexually... but it's not conducive to healthy marriage. You have quite a bit of deprogramming ahead of you in terms of straightening out your wife's misinformation, and I think it's probably safe to assume that you could use a bit more education yourself when dealing with the female side of the equation.

 

You each have to develop a complete understanding of one another, and what sex means to each of you in emotional terms, and then you have to prioritize each other's needs in a healthy way. Afterall, you're a team. Adversarial positions avail you nothing, because you can't beat your team-mate without losing the game yourself. ;)

 

 

 

p.s. I note that you've had some advice which would invoke a certain level of pettiness on your part. Please consider acts of pettiness as Resentment Grenades. When you start lobbing them out at your partner, you create resentment... which again, "blocks the flow of love".

 

Consider the people in your life who you might describe as "petty". There's NOTHING attractive in that kind of behavior, right? So... don't succumb to it. ;)

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MikeThatsMe

Yes, these problems were going on before we got married, but they have been slowly getting worse. When we first moved in together things were much better. Things were pretty good when I proposed. We had to wait just over a year before getting married, so it worked withe everyone's schedule. We were planning things, I started my own business, her workload got high, etc. Things just started to slip I guess.

 

I did not expect everything to just magically change when we got married, in fact, nothing really has. We've been having intimacy issues for awhile, and we have talked about it. And yes, she has had problems in the past. Big problems. She's been to counseling for it, and she's promised me it is going to get better. Well, it just hasn't. I took her on the best honeymoon of all time, 7 day cruise in Hawaii and then 3 extra days just because. Even on our HONEYMOON we weren't intimate that often. I'd say out of the 10 days, we had sex maybe 3 times. That is way more than usual, but....it's the honeymoon!

 

I understand she has had problems, but she said she has it mostly worked out, and has stopped counseling. Whenever I bring up our issues, she ends up getting mad at me, crying, and saying how horrible of a person she is. I hate it when she cries, so I don't like starting those conversations.

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I understand she has had problems, but she said she has it mostly worked out, and has stopped counseling. Whenever I bring up our issues, she ends up getting mad at me, crying, and saying how horrible of a person she is. I hate it when she cries, so I don't like starting those conversations.

 

She knows you melt when she cries so she's using it as a way to not have to put in the hard work to improve the marriage.

 

Sounds to me like joint counseling might be in order.

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MikeThatsMe

LadyJane, you and I must have been typing at the same time :)

 

I am not looking for traditional his and hers, I'm just looking for her to do SOMETHING! We each do our own laundry, and we live in a 2 bedroom apartment. I did a deep clean of our family room, living room, and kitchen, which took a day each, and she reciprocated by cleaning the bathroom. I appreciated that, but the bathroom is small, and she could have offered to help me, or maybe done the bedroom or something.

 

You are right, I do resent her. When I go to bed sometimes I just look at her and think about all the things she hasn't done for me. I feel slightly selfish about that, but it's how I feel. I bring in 80% of the money. I pay all the bills, I do all the cooking, I do 80% of the cleaning, I do everything I can to make her happy and feel loved, and I feel she does nothing for me.

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Great post LadyJane14 :)

 

I think you have hit upon an issue which may be helpful to me. Thanks.

 

OP, focus on the relationship. Yes, sex is a part of it, but think about the majority of the relationship. Empathize with and validate her feelings but continue to insist that this is an issue you must work on. Ask her to accept such conversations on the condition that she is entitled to a "timeout" if she begins to feel overwhelmed. Respect that, even if you don't feel "heard". When she's overwhelmed, she won't hear a word you're saying, rather bla, bla, bla. Her responsibility is to re-engage when she's ready. This is an excellent way to gauge her interest in the relationship.

 

If you find she is not interested in improving the marriage, move to end it. The grief isn't worth it, trust me.

 

Do the things you know she values as love from you willingly and without discussion, but continue to communicate your needs and desires. A trend will develop and I think you'll know what to do.

 

Good luck!

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You are right, I do resent her. When I go to bed sometimes I just look at her and think about all the things she hasn't done for me. I feel slightly selfish about that, but it's how I feel. I bring in 80% of the money. I pay all the bills, I do all the cooking, I do 80% of the cleaning, I do everything I can to make her happy and feel loved, and I feel she does nothing for me.

 

This was the way she was when you started living with her which predates your marriage by a couple of years.

 

Have you actually sat down with her and discussed an equitable division of labor around the house? Have you considered having her in the kitchen with you during meal preparation and teaching her to cook? Are you doing anything productive about this other than letting your resentment build?

 

Just a few questions you may wish to ask yourself and consider.

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Trialbyfire

If both of you are working at reasonable salaries, what's to stop you from bringing in some domestic help, once a week?

 

The balance of the chores can be divided. If one person cooks, the other cleans. You have to get her buy-in though. Ask her what her level of cleanliness is. If it's way below yours, the two of you have to learn to compromise about what's considered acceptable. From what you've mentioned, it sounds like expectations haven't been properly expressed, thus defined.

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"You're right I do resent her. When I go to bed sometimes I just look at her and think about all the things she hasn't done for me."

 

OK...what about all the positive things? Are there any?

 

"I feel she does nothing for me."

 

If she has been to counseling for issues, maybe its time to suggest marriage counseling for you both.

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I'm getting the feeling her level of cleanliness (as tbf mentioned) her desire for sex, her desire for intimacy, her energy levels, are not well-matched to yours, and you didn't accept that when you chose to marry her, and you still haven't accepted that. You hoped she would change and focused on the potential for change. Am I right?

 

Does she still do the things that made you love her and made you happy early on the relationship?

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Please don't take offense, but do you think its possible you're being a doormat for her?

 

I mean she "cries" everytime you mention something to her about what is going on. Sounds to me like she knows what buttons to push to kind of keep things with you where they are.

 

Maybe call her out on it when she does that.

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LadyJane, you and I must have been typing at the same time :)

 

I am not looking for traditional his and hers, I'm just looking for her to do SOMETHING! We each do our own laundry, and we live in a 2 bedroom apartment. I did a deep clean of our family room, living room, and kitchen, which took a day each, and she reciprocated by cleaning the bathroom. I appreciated that, but the bathroom is small, and she could have offered to help me, or maybe done the bedroom or something.

 

You are right, I do resent her. When I go to bed sometimes I just look at her and think about all the things she hasn't done for me. I feel slightly selfish about that, but it's how I feel. I bring in 80% of the money. I pay all the bills, I do all the cooking, I do 80% of the cleaning, I do everything I can to make her happy and feel loved, and I feel she does nothing for me.

 

Well then, you begin to see how Resentment can block loving feelings. I can't stress enough what a POISON it is to a marriage. :eek:

 

I think the best way to avoid resentment is to recognize the cause of it. In every relationship there are some things which we NEED in order to be content, and others that we just WANT. It's imperative that we get our basic needs met, and frankly... it's our responsibility to get that done.

 

Once you start looking at it as a matter of personal responsibility, it's just not possible to lay in bed at night, mentally keeping score against your mate, and not feel that you're doing wrong. It's YOUR JOB to make sure you're communicating your needs in a healthy way, and also to make certain that the pathway to communication is open-ended for her to do the same.

 

So, maybe what you've described as "feeling selfish" isn't really that at all. Maybe it's just the intuitive knowledge that you're not being forthcoming with your emotions. (????) :confused:

 

Anyway, when it comes to household chores... to be honest, a good bit of that is WANT. People vary in degrees of neatness. Some are veritable "neatniks" who can't abide clutter, and others are downright slovenly. We're all somewhere on a sliding scale between Felix and Oscar. So, it's kind of rare to find somebody who's completely compatible in this regard.

 

I think what it all boils down to is that once our truest "needs" are met... the "wants" lose a good deal of importance. Frankly, if you felt that you were an abiding priority in your wife's daily life... I kind of doubt that dishes stacked in the sink would bug you enough to build resentment over. :confused:

 

The fact is though... for some people, these "Acts of Service" are proof of loving feelings, and because the "need" to feel loved is pretty much a universal one, a dismissive attitude by one's partner, turns what might have been a "want" into something larger.

 

(p.s. Thanks Carhill :) )

Edited by Ladyjane14
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whichwayisup

Welcome back LJ. Missed ya!

 

Mike, she needs to put you first abit more and become UNselfish. Do more giving, compromise and she needs to understand that it isn't just HER, it's the two of you together. Sure, we all like to do our own thing at times, but when you're married, or living with someone, there's always someone else to consider.

 

You cook, she should be doing the dishes afterwards.

Take turns or BOTH of you do the house cleaning, etc.

 

Communication is so important! 2 months into your marriage she shouldn't be so settled and taking it for granted.

 

Counselling could help you two learn to talk, listen to eachother.

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