New Member in DIRE NEED!!

[Austin Dude]

Hello All,

 

I need some stern advice from any one that’s willing to give it. This is my state of affairs, here goes. I am a dude that’s been married for 5 years and just recently found out that my wife purposely siphoned our 2006 tax refund ($9, 800) to her mother back in Africa(she claims) without my knowledge or consent. I checked online last year June after we filed jointly to find out what the status of our filing was and it indicated that the check had been mailed. I ran this by my wife and she told me she hadn’t seen anything in the mail (I currently work out of town and only home on weekends). She promised me that she would follow up with the IRS and I believed her and left the investigation to her.

 

 

Month after month I would ask her what was going on and she would give me the same answer I.e. the IRS is still doing some investigation. Around October of last year, I started getting apprehensive, so I decided to follow up with the IRS myself only for them to tell me that the check had been cashed. I told my wife about the findings and she said no one ever told her anything like that (she even went on to accuse me of being overly obsessive with money, hell yes I am obsessed, 10gs? But I digress)

 

Anyway, I informed the IRS to mail a copy of the cashed check to me which they did twice, but somehow my wife never received it (she claims again). So I told her I was going to tell the IRS to send the copy of the cashed check to my out of town address. Apparently she panicked, and called the IRS the next day not to send any checks to any address. I didn’t find out until I called the IRS back to find out about the status of the check they were supposed to be mailing, not until then did someone tell me that my wife had called to put a hold on the check. I was already enraged at this stage and I confronted her with it and she finally owned up after close to what, 9 months?

 

 

Now, I don’t believe anything that comes out of that woman’s mouth, heck, I don’t even believe what she claims to have used the money for.

I am eager to hear responses on what people out there would do about a situation like this, 10,000dollars is a lot of money and she is well aware of our financial situation, we already planned to use the money to pay off some imperative bills and I guess all that is down the drain now.

I will listen to what all have to say and appreciate feedbacks.

 

Thanks

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow this one is a doozy. You don't say anything about how relationship was before you discovered this - did you love and trust her then?

 

Once she fessed up, did she tell you why her mother needed the money? While paying off critical bills is very important - in my view health issues trump bills (not much else does though) - is her mother very ill?

 

Otherwise I'm sorry I've really got nothing - to tell the truth I'd be PISSED.

[Ocean-Blue]

Let me get this straight. The money went to her mom? And you're upset because you two had agreed to put the money towards outstanding bills?

[Austin Dude]

Thanks there,

 

Prior to this, i havent really had any reason not to trust her, she has been a good wife and a great mother, so this is new territory for me. She claims her mother used the money to buy back some land back home that she was about to lose, my argument to her was, what would your mother have done if you didnt have the funds. Now i am even finding it hard to believe that that was what she used the money for.

 

Her mom is in great health, this is not a health issue.

[Austin Dude]

Ocean, yes, after we both agreed to sue the money to pay off some bills, she went behind my back and sent the funds to her mother instead(she claims, i am still not sure if that is true), and told so many lies over the last several months on what the IRS is doing or not doing.

[Ocean-Blue]

Ocean, yes, after we both agreed to sue the money to pay off some bills, she went behind my back and sent the funds to her mother instead(she claims, i am still not sure if that is true), and told so many lies over the last several months on what the IRS is doing or not doing.

 

I'm a big proponent of family. I'd do anything for my family and I want an SO that feels the same way. I want someone who will put his wants and needs ahead of ours when it comes to helping my family. I'm the same way...if his family needs our help in some way, I'll do whatever (within reason) to help.

 

BUT... What your wife did was just wrong. You two are married and share your finances. It's deplorable that she went behind your back to send her mother the money (if that is what she did with it).

 

You need to have a long chat with her about this. Remember to listen first. Do not try to be accusatory or let your anger get in the way. If you end up letting your emotions run the conversation, you'll end up looking like the bad guy (thus validating her point that you are obsessed with money). Your concerns are totally valid. She lied to you and betrayed your trust. SHE needs to fix it.

 

Before you two can talk about this, you need to find out exactly what happened to the money. Verify that it did go to her mother. Then sit down and talk to her about this.

[Art_Critic]

I'm a big proponent of family.

 

Sure .. but the marriage ( your own immediate family ( husband and wife,kids)) trumps any other family..

 

Your wife should have made it a discussable issue in the marriage if her mother needed the money.

 

It looks to me that she just funded her own savings account in her homeland because she must feel the marriage is rocky..

 

The big reason I say that is the continued dishonesty to cover it up..

If your marriage is as good as you say then any wife if she funneled money to her Mom would've come clean before all the things you had to do to find out what happened to it..

She is covering up something big..

 

She must've felt that she was going to make her break before you figured it out and kept stalling till finally things didn't work out on her end and she stayed with you and had to finally come clean..

 

Just my opinion.. nothing more..

 

I'm a real trusting person but I watched my Step Mom funnel money away for my Dad while I was growing up.. ( I helped her though.. and agreed with her reasoning as she at one time was going to leave my Dad ).

 

She would mail checks to her Mom in another state and her Mom would deposit them in a savings account for her..

She never needed it and never left my Dad.. in the end she stayed and worked it out..

[Austin Dude]

Art Critic....thanks for the advice, anything is possible. I will not rule anything out right now.

[Art_Critic]

Art Critic....thanks for the advice, anything is possible. I will not rule anything out right now.

 

 

You shouldn't.. I'm glad you didn't take my post as going right to the negative as I was just going on my past experience.

Your wife could very well have spent it wisely..

 

In the end though even if she did give it to her Mom for land then there has been a big breach of trust between you both and in the marriage that needs to be aired..

 

If is was a small amount of money and she didn't cover it up then no biggie.. but a large amount.. the exact amount her Mom needed and she covered it up..

 

I hope it all works out for you.. you need to get your wife to open up about what happened.

[Jilly Bean]

Does the wife gamble, have a drug problem, shopping addiction?

 

I don't believe she sent the money to the Mom - you sound pretty reasonable, and I am sure if Mom needed it so badly, your wife could tell you.

 

I vote something sinister. But I always do...

[lost4ever]

I just wanted to say that I do this also.

My H doesn't like the choices my mom and dad have made in life so he doesn't like to give them money.

I still "slip" them money all the time with out him knowing.

 

I don't want to deal with his "opinion" on the situation so I sneak.

 

Now I can say I would never do it with 10k....but only because I don't have it, I would need it, and I know I would get caught.

[OWoman]

my wife purposely siphoned our 2006 tax refund ($9, 800) to her mother back in Africa(she claims) without my knowledge or consent... She claims her mother used the money to buy back some land back home that she was about to lose

 

Unless your MIL lives in Zimbabwe where any foreign exchange is worth a monstrous amount on the black market, $10K is not going to buy any land bigger than a postage stamp in Africa. (And in Zimbabwe, land is for grabbing, not for buying!)

 

Unless, of course, it was that she'd fallen behind on her mortgage payments and her home was about to get repossessed, in which case I'd be wary as to why that happened and what is in place to prevent it recurring. It sounds like a very fishy story to me! (Maybe land is cheap in the US, and she figured you'd buy that story?)

 

But I agree that the dishonesty is a major red flag. If her mother hit some hard times, why could she not be honest and tell you about it, so you could make the decision jointly, seeing as the money belonged to you both?

 

And the continued deception, right until the matter was forced, shows she had no intention of coming clean. I think this constitutes a fundamental break down of trust, and I'd start questioning pretty much everything you've been taking at face value.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

There is also the issue of this being a joint return... If it was a joint return, BOTH of their names would have been on the check. She would have to forge his name to cash the check. Even between a husband and wife, this would be fraud.

 

I don't know if there are any legal remedies or even if you would want to pursue them but to me it is still stealing. She has used a large amount of joint money for her own purposes. Even if it was for her mother, which I don't believe (have you called her mother and asked?), she still took joint money and used it without your knowledge and consent, especially since it seems you two and already planned on how to use it. IMO, it is stealing and it would be a deal breaker for me.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

I just wanted to say that I do this also.

My H doesn't like the choices my mom and dad have made in life so he doesn't like to give them money.

I still "slip" them money all the time with out him knowing.

 

I don't want to deal with his "opinion" on the situation so I sneak.

 

Now I can say I would never do it with 10k....but only because I don't have it, I would need it, and I know I would get caught.

 

Lost my brother used to do this for my mom after he was married. His wife is The Queen Bitch Supreme and would throw a fit if my brother tried to help my parents in any way (never mind that she expected him to work every summer at her father's business for free to help her dad). So he would slip my mom small amounts of money during visits and mail small money orders, but nothing as big (for them) that would have an impact on their lifestyle. Only when he needed to give my mother a larger sum of money outright did he put his foot down and tell her the money was going my parents or her dad could find paid help.

[blind_otter]

My aunt started siphoning money to my mother when her marriage became rocky...after about a year of doing thing (the savings account was in my aunt's and mother's names) she divorced her then-husband.

 

Food for thought.

[HisLove]

None of this adds up at all. You thought you had a good marriage, but haven't communicated with your in-laws or had any idea that they were in financial trouble? You will say no....and I say you didn't know because that isn't the true story. Sounds pretty odd for a close marriage.

 

Lets say your wife is telling the truth....so it shouldn't be a problem to put some agreement in writing that in the event the property/house in Africa is sold, that your $10K contribution will be returned to you. I don't think this is going to happen because again I don't think it's the truth. Have you actually spoken to your mother in law and what is stopping you from picking up the phone?

 

I do have a friend who would syphon money away...get extra cash out when buying groceries or fuel, small amounts like $10 or $20. It added up to thousands over the year. Unless you check the actual receipt, you can't tell on your bank statement what the money was actually spent on. Yep it says $65 spent at the supermarket, but was it really $65 on food or $55 on food with extra $10 cash out.

 

I think you are going to have to get smarter about this to find out what is really going on.