Does he want to marry me?

[Cherry321]

Hi all,

 

I'm a new user but i really hope you can help me with my situation. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now and we're both 25 years old. We both started our careers and are currently working on our masters. Originally we decided to get married after finishing our masters (in one year) but we also talked about how we should be engaged for a year before we actually get married. We have a year till we graduate and still no sign of a ring or anything! Unfortunately i got frustrated and brought up the subject and told him that he either is just waiting for the sake of waiting or he doesn't wanna marry me (After 6 years!). He blurted out that he's not sure!!!! Afterwords he said that he just said that to shut me up but i don't believe that! We moved in together last year and things have stayed still since then. I'm really afraid he's wasting my time. I really love him and i know he loves me but does he really wanna marry me? I feel like he doesn't take me seriously and even puts me down sometimes by saying I'm not really doing anything with my life, although i really am! I'm a full time engineer and am currently working on my masters in mechanical engineering!!!His parents are divorced and his two uncles that were his male roll models are over 40 and not married... Do they all have commitment issues? My friends suggested that i just start acting cold and distant and not bring up the ring anymore. What do you think i should do???...

[tinktronik]

25 is young to get married IMO. If he does want to marry you he will ask you , untill then assume he is just not ready for marrige.

[michaelk]

How is he "wasting your time"? Is your only goal marriage? Do you not love him and enjoy the time you have together?

 

If you wanted kids and were ready to start having them, I might understand why you're concerned about this. But if that's not the case, then work on having the best relationship you can. After six years, you should know whether he's the right one for you, and if he is why lose that just because he hasn't bought you a ring?

[Mr. Lucky]

Unfortunately i got frustrated and brought up the subject and told him that he either is just waiting for the sake of waiting or he doesn't wanna marry me (After 6 years!). He blurted out that he's not sure!!!!

There's an old Chinese expression that says that you should be careful what you wish for - it might come true! You wished to know his intentions and now you do. Since he clearly doesn't want the same thing, the next move is up to you. Beyond that:

I feel like he doesn't take me seriously and even puts me down sometimes by saying I'm not really doing anything with my life, although i really am! I'm a full time engineer and am currently working on my masters in mechanical engineering!!!

Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't respect you or take you seriously? The answer to your question:

What do you think i should do???...

You should move out, take some time to establish yourself as a strong, independent person as you start on your adult life. You'll then have a better sense of what - and who - you'll want...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cherry321]

I don't think 25 is too young too get married... Most of my friends that were with their boyfriends for less than 2 years, already got married and they were around my age!! And Why should i wait around for him to make up his mind after six years!? Why do women always have to wait for men to decide when they are ready to pop the question. That is completely unfair!

And i didn't mean he's waisting my time like I'm not enjoying my time with him...I meant, after six years don't i deserve to know if i have a future with this guy?!

Thank you all for your advice. I guess i do need to do some serious thinking about my relationship. I know he loves me but i guess not enough!

[gemalousieglc1]

Hi Cherry,

I totally agree, i am going through exact same as you. I bet your thinking.....Should i sat, how will i know if he ever will, why is it on his call etc etc..........i have been with my fella 6 years and we planned to marry in 2 years, which by then i will be 25 and in relationship for 8 years! He let me down and said no! I couldnt believe it.....he wants me to wait till we are 30, which then means we will have been together for 14 years. To be honest i think i have now made my desicion.....Im walking!!!! Why should i wait for his call.......You need to decide what is best for your future, if you feel you are wasting your time then say bye! How will you ever know he is going to marry you??? You could be sat there at 30 and still no ring, then you ill have to start all over again! Life is ****!

[Blue Eyed Brain]

I'll be honest - if you want marriage and he doesn't; move on from him. You're on a totally different level than he is and he knows it. If you feel you are wasting time with him, then marrying is only the worst thing you could do.

 

Find someone whom is at your life level.

[Cherry321]

Thanks for all of your advice!

Of course he's not all bad and mean all the time. He's very sweet, caring and ambitious. He's involved with all this extra curricular activities...so maybe that's why he says I'm not doing enough!!! ha ha

Well the thing is, we already tried to talk about getting married and he said he wasn't sure because he doesn't think i could ever love his family!!!! I do care about his family but in all honesty his mom is an evil witch that always makes mean comments and puts me down but i still try to go visit them with him every other weekend, which to him is not enough!!!! Anyhow, i told him that he needs to make a decision because I'm not willing to wait any longer and his response was; " you can't force me to marry you"! I told him that I'm not trying to force anything on him but simply find out if i have a future with him. I deserve that much after six years, don't I? I come from a really strict background and my family is not happy with me living with my boyfriend. My mom says that after six years if he is not sure, he'll never marry you so you shouldn't waste 2 more years to find out.

[Ocean-Blue]

Hi all,

 

I'm a new user but i really hope you can help me with my situation. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now and we're both 25 years old. We both started our careers and are currently working on our masters. Originally we decided to get married after finishing our masters (in one year) but we also talked about how we should be engaged for a year before we actually get married. We have a year till we graduate and still no sign of a ring or anything! Unfortunately i got frustrated and brought up the subject and told him that he either is just waiting for the sake of waiting or he doesn't wanna marry me (After 6 years!). He blurted out that he's not sure!!!! Afterwords he said that he just said that to shut me up but i don't believe that! We moved in together last year and things have stayed still since then. I'm really afraid he's wasting my time. I really love him and i know he loves me but does he really wanna marry me? I feel like he doesn't take me seriously and even puts me down sometimes by saying I'm not really doing anything with my life, although i really am! I'm a full time engineer and am currently working on my masters in mechanical engineering!!!His parents are divorced and his two uncles that were his male roll models are over 40 and not married... Do they all have commitment issues? My friends suggested that i just start acting cold and distant and not bring up the ring anymore. What do you think i should do???...

 

Based on what you've written, it appears that he does not want to marry you anytime soon.

 

You may have to decide if you are willing to wait around for him to figure out what he wants.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks for all of your advice!

Of course he's not all bad and mean all the time. He's very sweet, caring and ambitious. He's involved with all this extra curricular activities...so maybe that's why he says I'm not doing enough!!! ha ha

Well the thing is, we already tried to talk about getting married and he said he wasn't sure because he doesn't think i could ever love his family!!!! I do care about his family but in all honesty his mom is an evil witch that always makes mean comments and puts me down but i still try to go visit them with him every other weekend, which to him is not enough!!!! Anyhow, i told him that he needs to make a decision because I'm not willing to wait any longer and his response was; " you can't force me to marry you"! I told him that I'm not trying to force anything on him but simply find out if i have a future with him. I deserve that much after six years, don't I? I come from a really strict background and my family is not happy with me living with my boyfriend. My mom says that after six years if he is not sure, he'll never marry you so you shouldn't waste 2 more years to find out.

 

Have you ever seen the movie "Monster in Law"? That's what his situation sounds like. Maybe his family is influencing his decision. BUT, if he is seriuos about marrying you then he won't care what his family thinks. I really don't know about this situation..6 years is a long time not to be sure about marrying someone. I mean a year maybe, but you guys have been together a long time. Guys tend to want to marry in theory, but when some think about it they get freaked out!

 

My advice is to stop talking about the subject. He may feel a lot of pressure now that you are talking about it more and asking him if he watns to marry you. Men don't like to be pressured to do ANYTHING, especially marriage. I think you should just cool it for awhile and see what happens. I don't think you are neccessarily wasting your time, I just think the pressure is getting to him. Back off for awhile and see what happens.

[blind_otter]

I don't think 25 is too young too get married... Most of my friends that were with their boyfriends for less than 2 years, already got married and they were around my age!! And Why should i wait around for him to make up his mind after six years!? Why do women always have to wait for men to decide when they are ready to pop the question. That is completely unfair!

And i didn't mean he's waisting my time like I'm not enjoying my time with him...I meant, after six years don't i deserve to know if i have a future with this guy?!

Thank you all for your advice. I guess i do need to do some serious thinking about my relationship. I know he loves me but i guess not enough!

 

Why can't he just be with you without the pressure of marriage?

[sb129]

And why do you have to do what all your friends are doing? You don't know whether or not their marriages are happy or successful- nobody knows the true happiness of a marriage except for the people in it.

 

Sounds like you have your life all mapped out, and life isn't like that. There are TWO people in your R, and you are only talking about what ONE of you wants. If those wants are too different, then maybe you guys have outgrown eachother. Your BF is probably freaking out a bit, because 25 is a time when people do alot of "soul" searching, and working out what they want with their lives.

 

Putting pressure on someone to marry you doesn't work.

 

I am 30, and I got engaged to my BF two days before my 30th birthday. We have been together for a year.

 

I am really glad I waited, it paid off, because I ended up with a guy who wanted the same things as me at the same time. Its quite a crucial factor in a successful R.

 

Good luck.

[Cherry321]

Why can't he just be with you without the pressure of marriage?

 

Your comment offends me.I don't think wanting to know whether a guy you've been with for 6 years wants to marry you or not, is putting pressure on him. Frankly, i don't understand this whole "pressure thing" with guys. You either wanna marry someone or you don't. "pressure" is just an excuse guys use when they don't wanna get married and the idea terrifies them! I don't want to get married now. I still wanna get married after we both get our masters in a year (like we talked about), but i do wanna be engaged!

[blind_otter]

Your comment offends me.I don't think wanting to know whether a guy you've been with for 6 years wants to marry you or not, is putting pressure on him. Frankly, i don't understand this whole "pressure thing" with guys. You either wanna marry someone or you don't. "pressure" is just an excuse guys use when they don't wanna get married and the idea terrifies them! I don't want to get married now. I still wanna get married after we both get our masters in a year (like we talked about), but i do wanna be engaged!

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I was genuinely curious. What's the big deal about getting married for you? Is is a step towards adulthood? A traditional thing? A cultural thing??

 

It just sounds like you desperately want to get married and no one finds desperation to be attractive.

 

And it is pressure when the two of you aren't on the same page in terms of marriage.

[Cherry321]

I'm not desperate to get married but it is one of my goals. he's the sort of person that would not make me his first priority unless we are married! As i mentioned before in my culture you don't live with a guy unless you're married but i went against that (and my family) and moved in with him because i knew we both weren't ready for marriage. I just feel like I've reached a point in my life where i need to know where I'm going.I have my career going for me and in one year i will finish grad school. If marriage is not something he wants with me then wouldn't it be unfair to me to be with a guy who is unsure about marrying me?!

[blind_otter]

He should be honest with you about what he wants, but maybe he's afraid of your reaction if he is honest with you. IMO 25 is pretty young to get married. I married at 21 and ended up divorced before I was that age. Maybe he really doesn't want to get married yet and wants to wait a while but he's afraid to bring up the topic because he knows how you'll react?

[Lauriebell82]

I'm not desperate to get married but it is one of my goals. he's the sort of person that would not make me his first priority unless we are married! As i mentioned before in my culture you don't live with a guy unless you're married but i went against that (and my family) and moved in with him because i knew we both weren't ready for marriage. I just feel like I've reached a point in my life where i need to know where I'm going.I have my career going for me and in one year i will finish grad school. If marriage is not something he wants with me then wouldn't it be unfair to me to be with a guy who is unsure about marrying me?!

 

What makes you think that he's going to make you his first priority unless you get married? Why do you think he will then? That's not a good reason to get married, I mean after 6 years AND living together, I think you should be a first priority anyway. It sounds to me like you are letting external pressure get to you. What is even the rush to get engaged? Do you think that is going to change anything?

[sb129]

What makes you think that he's going to make you his first priority unless you get married? Why do you think he will then? That's not a good reason to get married, I mean after 6 years AND living together, I think you should be a first priority anyway. It sounds to me like you are letting external pressure get to you. What is even the rush to get engaged? Do you think that is going to change anything?

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. The mere hint of the word "pressure" offends you, however, I think that word cuts a little to close to home really, because you know thats how your boyfriend is feeling right now.

 

A fairy godmother doesn't magically appear on the day of your wedding and seal all the cracks in your relationship so the fairytale wedding turns into a fairytale marriage.

 

I can understand why you are frustrated after six years of being together, and you are reaching the end of your education, so the natural progression for you is to get married etc etc. However, it is getting more and more obvious that your BF feels differently.

 

Different people have different priorities- mine when I graduated was to get out and see the world. And I still met the man of my dreams!

 

The mere hint of the word "pressure" offends you, however, I think that word cuts a little to close to home really, because you know thats how your boyfriend is feeling right now.

 

Really, the decision is with you, because he isn't going to put a ring on your finger while he feels backed into a corner, so you need to decide whether you can live with that and wait, or whether you can't take that chance, and start afresh.

[Cherry321]

I don't see why everybody thinks i'm rushing! I waited patiently for 6 years! I mean, to me marriage is not a piece of paper. It's two people showing the world they love each other and they belong together so why not get married? I'm saying he'll put me first priority when we get married because that's what he's said. To him his mom is his first priority now!

[sb129]

I don't see why everybody thinks i'm rushing! I waited patiently for 6 years! I mean, to me marriage is not a piece of paper. It's two people showing the world they love each other and they belong together so why not get married? I'm saying he'll put me first priority when we get married because that's what he's said. To him his mom is his first priority now!

 

If you consider the time you have been together, then no, you aren't rushing, I think six years is more than enough time to be together before you get married.

 

However, if you consider the time of your life, I think thats where a few people feel like you are rushing, because those of us that are older than you know how much living there is to be done after 25!

[Cherry321]

I see what you're all saying. I think i need to make a decision to see if i wanna stick around and wait for him or go out and explore. Maybe there really is someone else out there for me that is ready for something more serious than a bf/gf relationship!

[sb129]

I see what you're all saying. I think i need to make a decision to see if i wanna stick around and wait for him or go out and explore. Maybe there really is someone else out there for me that is ready for something more serious than a bf/gf relationship!

 

Maybe- don't make it the focus of your life though. It will happen, and its not something you can force or rush.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't see why everybody thinks i'm rushing! I waited patiently for 6 years! I mean, to me marriage is not a piece of paper. It's two people showing the world they love each other and they belong together so why not get married? I'm saying he'll put me first priority when we get married because that's what he's said. To him his mom is his first priority now!

 

He's probably not going to just ditch his mom the day you guys say "I do." He's going to stay a mama's boy even if you are married, despite what he says. Anyway, i'm 25 too, and it's not that I really think you are rushing because yeah it has been 6 years, but you have to let your relationship progress how it is going to progress. If you aren't cool with that you need to get out. This guy is going to do what he wants and by his timetable. If you love him and are willing to wait than go for it, but talking about it all the time to him is not going to make him want to get married anymore. From everything you've said, I don't think your bf wants to get married, and if you keep pressing him he's going to start to resent you.

[Cherry321]

Thank you for all of your support. I finally decided to talk to him last night. I thought I'd be now or never. I'm going to Italy next week, so i told him that i want him out by the time i get back. He said that the reason why he said all those negative things about marriage was because i brought the subject up wrong and argued with him and threatened him. He also said he still plans to marry me when we graduate in a year, like we planned. I said but i thought you said we would get engaged a year before, then how come we're not? He said to have patience and wait till spring! He was being sincere so i believe him! Anyhow, thank you all again!

[elaina]

I think it would be a good thing for you to have your own apartment whether ya'll get married or not or whether ya'll stay together or not. The reason is because sometimes guys can get "comfortable" and he already has you in many areas, so why would he even want to get marrried? What is a benefit of getting married to you?

 

Also, yeah family can really have an impact. I personally would not marry someone who thought my Mom was an evil witch. (at least someone who told me that.) Even though she sounds mean and not a good person, she still should be respected. Maybe she has a disorder or something?

 

But what I'm trying to say here is that marriage is a commitment that is for the benefit of the whole family unit (including both sides of parents, aunts uncles, cousins... when you marry a person, you also "marry" the family in a way) and is supposed to be a secure institution for the good of society. It is for stability and identity for children, and it is supposed to be a team of two people working together and committed/dedicated to each other, supporting and being supported by their extended families, and if they have children, raising them in a secure environment together.

 

Marriage should not be just a ceremony, nor should it be taken too lightly. There are sadly many many MANY marriages which are painful experiences to the people invovled and their kids, and are not what marriage should be.

 

Anyways I encourage you to not try to get married too quickly, and have your own apartment and encourage your boyfriend concerning what marriage is. Getting to know his family in with the mindset of ok these people raised my Love and if I marry him I am going to be seeing these people an awful lot and will be expected to care for them. If you can't do it, then maybe it is better for you not to commit to a relationship with their son. Yes there are a lot of nasty relatives in the world but maybe you can find the strength to care for them?

 

Marriage is all about commitment and caring and loving, at least should be.

 

Peace and God bless.