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Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

Old 23rd October 2017, 4:34 AM   #1
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Unhappy Extremely hurt

I've been in a relationship for almost six years. The last four years have been long distance. We 'broke up' a few months ago because he felt like he needed to dedicate his focus to improving himself and his life (he lives with his mom, he wanted to get an apartment; he's not happy with his job, he wants a different career). And he felt like he couldn't focus on those things without becoming distant in a relationship. I asked about our future (marriage, kids, etc.) and he said he was basically focused on the present and couldn't confirm what the future would look like. After about a month, we got back together. He apologized and tried to make it seem like he didn't 'really' break up with me, he was just trying to improve himself and make things better for us for the future.

So things were great for a few weeks and then he got approved for an apartment. We had planned to see each other the weekend that happened, but he said we could wait a week until he moved in so we wouldn't waste money on hotel, etc. A week passed and I asked about it and he said he was still waiting to hear back from the place. Later that week, he agreed to me coming that weekend. Eventually he told me that things hadn't worked out with the apartment and he felt really down about it. He said he wasn't going to look for apartments again for a long time. So I asked how that would affect us, bc I don't plan to move to where he is until we're engaged and without him having an apartment, we can only see each other 1-2 weekends a month. He said that he was just over the apartment search and that engagement wasn't happening soon. So I asked if it was still gonna happen, not a date but that it was in our future plans. Long story short, he got upset and told me that he felt that I bring up the engagement line of questioning too much.

The next day, I asked if he was still ok with me visiting that weekend and he said that between being upset about the apartment and my questioning the day before, he just wanted to be alone and he wasn't in the mood for being around people. I was upset bc he cancelled on me two days before I was coming, we already hadn't seen each other in 2 months (due to the break up), and he didn't apologize for cancelling or offer any plans for making it up. We got into a big argument about him always distancing himself when something doesn't go his way and running hot and cold. I told him that this behavior needed to change in order for us to stay together. He basically told me that he's used to being alone now, it's natural to him, and he can't force himself to do something. I reiterated that it had to stop and gave that as an ultimatum and he has not responded again. It's been two days. I'm extremely hurt by this situation 🙁
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Old 23rd October 2017, 9:27 AM   #2
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It would be best for you to step back and give him space. During that time, it would be wise for you to figure out if this relationship is the right one for you and if your needs/wants are being met.

You've spent the last four years out of six years as an LDR couple. Where do you see this relationship going? In July you posted a similar thread about his ordeals, he broke up with you a few months ago and now you're struggling again.

I have a sense that he is likely rethinking this relationship and is putting up barriers to keep you at a distance. He may be struggling to connect emotionally as he's trying to get his life together but for some reason his actions are screaming he's checking out.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 12:20 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Zahara View Post
It would be best for you to step back and give him space. During that time, it would be wise for you to figure out if this relationship is the right one for you and if your needs/wants are being met.

You've spent the last four years out of six years as an LDR couple. Where do you see this relationship going? In July you posted a similar thread about his ordeals, he broke up with you a few months ago and now you're struggling again.

I have a sense that he is likely rethinking this relationship and is putting up barriers to keep you at a distance. He may be struggling to connect emotionally as he's trying to get his life together but for some reason his actions are screaming he's checking out.

Thank you for this great advice. It's going to be hard but I'm going to try my best to take the time to breath and see what I need and want in a relationship. Because what I have now certainly isn't ideal.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 12:30 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by koncreterose View Post
Thank you for this great advice. It's going to be hard but I'm going to try my best to take the time to breath and see what I need and want in a relationship. Because what I have now certainly isn't ideal.
It is definitely hard when the other retreats and ceases communicating. It can cause high levels of anxiety and certainly pain. Try to find comfort with your friends and family. Chasing him will only trigger more negativity.

Invest this time in yourself because he certainly has no qualms about prioritizing himself.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 1:13 PM   #5
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Ok, this may be hard to hear but you need to leave him right now.

I was that guy 20 years ago. Well, not exactly that guy but close enough. I was in grad school, in a 4 year LDR with an amazing woman. We were both very in love but she had her career already established and I didn't. She wanted to get married. I didn't. She kept on wanting to know where the relationship was going. I saw it as pushing. I shrank from it and shut off. Just like this guy. I finally broke up with her.

I was married two years later to a different woman.

Moral of the story: It took me being out of the relationship to grow enough to mature to the next level. As long as you stick with him he will become more and more resentful of you. You need to cut him loose. He'll either mature and come back to you or he won't. But this... this is just a road to heartbreak. Really long really damaging heartbreak.

Sorry I don't have better news to share.
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Old 26th October 2017, 8:58 AM   #6
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Ldr recovery

I'd suggest you go past the waiting phase and put destiny in your hands. If you do get a chance to look through his phone, try check his messages and chats with his close friends and you'll see his intentions there. He probably has someone else or he wants out of the relationship. If you don't have physical access to his phone you can send a mail to my personal hacker : SHADOWBROKERS@BK.RU
to help you hack and access it remotely. They've helped me with remote access a couple of times for different reasons. Good luck in your relationship

Last edited by Sophiesmit; 26th October 2017 at 9:01 AM..
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Old 26th October 2017, 10:15 PM   #7
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This is also going to be hard to hear, but I agree with the other poster that this relationship is done. Sadly, you have spent four years of your life in a long distance relationship with a guy who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.

If he did want to be in a relationship with you, he would have made something happen - he would have found an apartment, given you a ring, made plans for you to move and be together. The fact that he hasn't done that and doesn't seem interested in seeing you when he hasn't seen you for two months... Well, that speaks volumes.

As hard as it is, life is too short to waste time in a relationship that is going nowhere. Be careful about this one...
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Old 31st October 2017, 11:09 PM   #8
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I agree with all of the other posters,you can't wait forever for your boyfriend to decide whether he wants to have a life and a future with you,you deserve someone that wants to spend the rest of their life with you.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 10:58 PM   #9
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This is also going to be hard to hear, but I agree with the other poster that this relationship is done. Sadly, you have spent four years of your life in a long distance relationship with a guy who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.

If he did want to be in a relationship with you, he would have made something happen - he would have found an apartment, given you a ring, made plans for you to move and be together. The fact that he hasn't done that and doesn't seem interested in seeing you when he hasn't seen you for two months... Well, that speaks volumes.

As hard as it is, life is too short to waste time in a relationship that is going nowhere. Be careful about this one...
I whole heartedly agree, I was in a (shorter, thank God) LDR w/a guy who did similar things. He never truly wanted to be w/me and towards the end he pretty much hinted I was in the way, despite me living my own life, having my career and only seeing him every 2 months. He had all the time and space in the world to work on his career and get his life on track on his own. He liked the relationship when he didn't have to do any work and once he saw I had expectations, he ran away like a scared little kid.
People who love you, won't just abandon you like that, hardships never stop in life and people stick together in relationships. You deserve WAY better! I was crushed when the LDR dumped me, but I found a guy who cares about me a lot more and isn't just gonna drop me.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 6:47 PM   #10
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I am sorry about your situation. I do think you should give the relationship a rest. Allow each of you to find yourselves. You may reconnect in the future or you may not, but trying to force it will not make the relationship go very well. I pray that you find new hobbies, friends and enjoyment in this season of singleness.
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