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LDR ended after miscarriage


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

Old 15th September 2017, 6:59 PM   #1
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LDR ended after miscarriage

I just need some thoughts and to talk about something I don't know where to turn.

I was in an LDR, (29m) with a woman from England (28) for about 7 months. I was absolutely infatuated, she was one of the most beautiful and flat out amazing women I've ever met and I knew I felt this way even before getting the opportunity to meet her.

In the end of July she took a leap of faith and flew out here so we could finally meet in person. The sparks flew and our connection was real. Before we knew we were so excited about me flying out there and that we knew we were in it together without a doubt. When we found out she was pregnant, about mid August we were both shocked. Shocked at the fact that we are 5,000 miles away from each other, but both of us wanted to keep the baby and were against abortion.

We finally discussed closing the distance one day and decided I would move out there to be with her, she already has a few kids, but I was ready to take on playing a role of influence in their lives as best I could, I've always felt I'd make a good father, she seemed to agree.

At the end of August she miscarried, or at least that's what's been thought to have happened with one scan so far. A few days after the miscarriage she told me I should find someone else because she doesn't want to take away my chance of being a father as she doesn't want to go through another MC, this being the second one she's had. She says it has absolutely nothing to do with me or anything I've done, but won't seem to budge on this being over.

I'm absolutely devastated. Devastated by losing our baby and devastated by losing a woman I was going to make an enormous commitment to, that I wanted to make a commitment to, who was going to make a commitment to me. It's so hard for me to just let this go. I love her and I geared myself up for a future together with her. We kept contact for a few weeks because she said she couldn't "cut me out" I've tried to be there how I could to be supportive, but she told me we shouldn't text anymore today because she feels it's giving me "false hope" and it's hit me like a freight train. She couldn't even say goodbye.

Any women have any experience with miscarriage? I know it must be devastating for her. She goes in for a D&C Monday, I read that your hormones can be all over the place and not to be rude, but could this be a result of that? She just doesn't seem like herself. She's pushing away friends and family as well and now me. Should I just give her space and NC for a little while and then follow up?

Last edited by SombreReptiles; 15th September 2017 at 8:12 PM..
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Old 16th September 2017, 9:06 AM   #2
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Wait, she miscarried end of August and is only now going in for a D&c? That doesn't add up. Did you see evidence of the scans and positive test?

Sorry to be harsh but she isn't into you anymore and there's nothing you can do about it. I doubt it's due to the miscarriage, if there was one. If she felt strongly for you she'd be leaning on you for support, it was your baby too. Whether it's all been too much too soon or she's found infatuation wearing off is irrelevant. LDRs are hard enough even when things are going well. You're separated by this much distance, she no longer cares enough to carry it on. She's probably realised it's a fantasy. It's simply nuts to be talking about you being a father figure to her kids half a year into a new relationship. It was all a lovely fantasy but now it's over and you gotta move on. She isn't gonna suddenly develop strong feelings again.

She sounds like a train wreck anyway. A few months in and she's already pregnant by a new guy when she already has kids with someone else, she doesn't make good life choices. I'd say the same for you but you at least didn't have existing kids to consider. How on earth did she get pregnant? Contraception is incredibly effective when used properly.
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Old 16th September 2017, 10:28 AM   #3
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Wait, she miscarried end of August and is only now going in for a D&c? That doesn't add up. Did you see evidence of the scans and positive test?

Sorry to be harsh but she isn't into you anymore and there's nothing you can do about it. I doubt it's due to the miscarriage, if there was one. If she felt strongly for you she'd be leaning on you for support, it was your baby too. Whether it's all been too much too soon or she's found infatuation wearing off is irrelevant. LDRs are hard enough even when things are going well. You're separated by this much distance, she no longer cares enough to carry it on. She's probably realised it's a fantasy. It's simply nuts to be talking about you being a father figure to her kids half a year into a new relationship. It was all a lovely fantasy but now it's over and you gotta move on. She isn't gonna suddenly develop strong feelings again.

She sounds like a train wreck anyway. A few months in and she's already pregnant by a new guy when she already has kids with someone else, she doesn't make good life choices. I'd say the same for you but you at least didn't have existing kids to consider. How on earth did she get pregnant? Contraception is incredibly effective when used properly.
I did see positive tests mid August and a scan on the 23rd of August, said she was about six weeks and a few days. She started sayin she was feeling pains and bleeding around the 25th/26th, went in about a week later on the 1st of September and they said there was no heartbeat and "tissue" left so they scheduled the d&c monday.

She never quite talked about me being a father figure flat out, only kind of said I'd need to spend time with her and her kids before it was too late to decide to terminate if I wasn't up for it since she understands that it would have been a pretty huge change for everyone involved.

Sometimes the truth is harsh, sad as it is to say. Maybe all it ever was was a fantasy. Thanks though. Just don't know who to talk to about this and looking for perspective. I just don't understand the overnight change, but I guess your right, if she did truly care she'd be looking for my support.

Last edited by SombreReptiles; 16th September 2017 at 10:57 AM..
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Old 16th September 2017, 11:52 AM   #4
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At the risk of sounding insensitive, can you be sure the baby was yours?
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Old 16th September 2017, 12:08 PM   #5
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At the risk of sounding insensitive, can you be sure the baby was yours?
I guess I can never be 100% sure, but if she isn't lying about the dates, then it definitely adds up to us having unprotected sex. The ultrasound I saw did look very similar to other ones at the same time I also shared the photo of it with someone who knew more about what they were looking at and they said it looked right for what she was saying date wise. Unless she showed up having just gotten pregnant, which I don't really believe as I've been round and round with this with a few other people, I believe it was mine. I really trusted her as she seems like an honest person. One of the reasons why I thought we had something that could work out.
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Old 16th September 2017, 1:34 PM   #6
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Whatever the case may be, it doesn't appear as though there will be a future with her. Whether it's because she's emotionally traumatized or for some other reason, she doesn't wish to keep in contact anymore.

I know it hurts. But I would also keep in mind that while you have talked to her a lot, you have spent comparatively very little time together in person. You simply cannot really know someone under these circumstances, so there could be more to this sudden about-face than you realize, I'm afraid.
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