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Her Ex still has a hold on her


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 8th January 2017, 9:43 AM   #1
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Her Ex still has a hold on her

I have been dating this girl i met online for 8months now. I live in Texas while she lives in Louisiana. She is a divorced single mom with a 7 years old boy from her previous marriage. She told me she divorced her husband because he was cheating and consequently got another girl pregnant. I have had an unsuccessful distant relationship in the past and as such vowed not to engage in it anymore but I found myself in love with this lady after some good conversations over the phone. Soon I decided to start visiting her, making a journey of 5 hours twice every month to see her. While I thought everything was ok, I proposed to her in December. Soon after that I found out some hidden facts. The first being that Her 7 years old boy hates me, he's got this attitude with me over time but I got fed up and decided to talk to him about it and shockingly he told me he doesn't want me around. I told my fiancee about this but she only saw it as a 7 years old boy's world against a 34years old guy. After I insisted, she decided to talk to him about it and funny enough, he told her he wants his dad and mom to get back together and he sees me as the guy opposing that. At this point I knew it wasn't something I did to upset him.
The second hidden fact is that my fiancee's ex-husband still got a hold on her, He knows how much she wants the boy to be with his father and her ex and his girlfriend use that as a leverage on my fiancee. Usually she will call me up on the phone and scream in anger of how they talked to her, this has been on since I met her and it usually ended up affecting her mode most times resulting into us arguing because she thinks i'm not been supportive enough.
I'm not the drama type, I was raised in a polygamous family with too many contention and I do not want anything close to that for myself as a family. Should I ignore these issues and go ahead with the relationship? I have tried to talk to her about these issues and on the need to set a clear boundary, I fear things might get more complicated when I move over to Louisiana as we are planning. But she's always angry about it claiming I'm not been supportive enough.
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Old 9th January 2017, 12:42 AM   #2
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Dude seriously.....you are walking into a hot mess. You think it's bad now, just wait till you are living together and exposed to it daily....you can't just hang up the phone, you have to go to bed with her every night. As for the son, that too is something that shouldn't be ignored. You marry, you marry into her family, and if he kid hates you, life will be even more disruptive. The arguing will be out of control.

You'd be crazy to uproot your life to be a part of that dysfunction.....Do you really need me or anyone to tell you that????
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Old 18th January 2017, 1:42 AM   #3
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First, Her son hating you. He probably emotionally wants' his mother n' father back together. When I was his age in 1974. My father re-married for the first time(he is in his fourth marriage at present). I liked her. She was a nice woman, but she wasn't my mother.

Second, Her divorcing her son's father for cheating. Same with my parents'. My father cheated on my mother with my first step-mother.

Third, Your resistance to entering into another LDR after a previous experience is understandable. LDRs' are hard to maintain.

When I was school-age, at times my parents' lived as much as 5,000mi. apart. My father lived in Atlanta, Chicago, Washington, D.C. and Northern Virginia. My mother lived in Vermont, New York, London(UK) and Florida. Sure I flew by myself a lot because of where my parents' individually chose to live. But, It wasn't like I loved being a 'world traveler'.

An addendum on the point of hating. I remember one summer when my father was dating a local woman. She was a heavy smoker. I hated her smoking with a passion. To the point, that I would hide her cigarettes. I wasn't verbally hateful, but I hated her smoking. The relationship ended by the end of the summer.
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Old 18th January 2017, 9:14 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
Dude seriously.....you are walking into a hot mess. You think it's bad now, just wait till you are living together and exposed to it daily....you can't just hang up the phone, you have to go to bed with her every night. As for the son, that too is something that shouldn't be ignored. You marry, you marry into her family, and if he kid hates you, life will be even more disruptive. The arguing will be out of control.

You'd be crazy to uproot your life to be a part of that dysfunction.....Do you really need me or anyone to tell you that????


and if I may add,

Quote:
I have been dating this girl i met online for 8months now.
I found myself in love with this lady after some good conversations over the phone.
Let me repeat that
Quote:
I found myself in love with this lady after some good conversations over the phone.
The phone! Do you hear yourself?
Quote:
I proposed to her in December.
I'm not the drama type
Oh yes you are. Get out before you repeat the mistakes of your forefathers.
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Old 18th January 2017, 9:15 AM   #5
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It's crazy to me that you proposed after only 8 months of long distance dating. You have only seen this lady 8 times and you think you know her well enough to commit to her for life? The child should have been introduced to you slowly and then a couple of years spent fostering a relationship among the three of you before even thinking of marriage. Sounds like she just pushed you on her kid so his reaction is normal. He's probably the only one who is behaving normal.

She calls you yelling about her ex and his gf? Oh be still my beating heart. How romantic of her to bring her fights with her ex into her relationship with you. I know whenever I have met a guy who wants to spend time ranting about an ex to me I generally take that as my cue to NOT become involved with that person as they are clearly telling me they have unresolved issues/feelings surrounding their ex.

Neither this woman or her child are emotionally ready for this relationship. If you go through with this it will end in disaster and the person who will be hurt the most is the little boy. She needs to sort herself out mentally and emotionally before she will be ready to even consider marriage.
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Old 20th January 2017, 7:12 AM   #6
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This is a tough one. Do you have deep feelings for this girl yet? If you do not, I would give things some deep thought. She needs to stand up to her ex. He should not be using his son to get to her. If the boy is not warming up to you, that is a big concern.
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