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Is She Being Honest?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 27th December 2016, 4:34 PM   #1
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Unhappy Is She Being Honest?

My girlfriend of 9 months lives in Morocco. Right now she is in France, allegedly with her sister's family, visiting historical sites in Paris and then they will visit their brother in Marseille. She has sent me photos of her around some historical sites, so that is true.

However, I didn't even know she was going to Paris until I geotracked one of the photos she sent me. Not to mention many of the photos sent to me were obviously Parisian. There's no way she was hiding Paris from me? Originally, she was going to Southern France to visit her brother, not Paris. This was a shock and did not sit well with me because Paris is a city where her ex boyfriend lives. Recently he has made attempts to push his way back into her life. He even surprise visited her in Morocco last September. She told me about it and said that nothing happened and that she loves me and only me. I trusted her and we became closer than ever.

However, since she has been in Paris, we have not spoken on the phone or via text through Hangouts. We've just emailed twice a day since she left. I realize she may be trying to conserve data usage, not have consistent data coverage (Moroccan phone) or spend more time with her sister's family but she hasn't even told me the reason for her not using Hangouts. I asked her in my last email so I'll wait and see what she says. Her email correspondence has been consistently very loving, caring, sending photos etc. So no change from our usual content just much less frequent and no voice calls.

So what is killing me is all of these clarifying questions that I cannot ask her until we speak and I have no idea when that will be. I feel like I'm going crazy here with insecurities and jealousy. I don't know how to relax until I get answers. And the worst part about it is that I don't want to ruin her experience because of my imagination, if she's being honest and everything ends up making sense. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
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Old 27th December 2016, 7:17 PM   #2
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She's from Morocco and living there. Where are you from?
How far apart are you two most of the year?

I understand you being suspicious. Are you officially together? Like in a relationship on Facebook? If not, is it because neither of you uses that social platform, or for other reasons? If you're not officially together, it's time for you to be, after 9 months. The main requirement is that you have met her for real in person, so I hope you did. If she finds excuses not to be official, then I guess you should consider leaving the relationship.
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Old 27th December 2016, 10:35 PM   #3
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She is from/living in Morocco. I'm in the U.S. So We are very far from each other most of the year. We made plans to spend time together this February for a couple of weeks, and I will be meeting her family. We've also discussed marriage and where we would live once married. However, there is the issue of the recently reappearing ex boyfriend that we have to get past in order for it to work.

I know what many are thinking, does she really love me if an ex is in her life again? The answer is a resounding, yes. She spends more time with me than anyone else in her life. We have talked for several hours on the phone everyday for the past 9 months and we've mapped out our future extensively.

However, this ex in Paris has begun texting and calling her obsessively. In the past, he has cut himself when she threatened to leave. He manipulates her into keeping him in her life because he knows that her family loves him and will be devastated if they don't end up together <---This is ultimately where the problem lies. Her family likes the idea of them together and in her culture this apparently counts for a lot, even if she doesn't love him or expresses disapproval. Now, I'm confident once they meet me that they will like me also, but in the meantime they are stuck on the idea of them being together.

Her plan is to try and disassociate the family from this idea. Explaining how he has demonstrated violence, possessive and obsessive tendencies, not to mention that she just doesn't love him anymore. Then once they are turned off about him, I will be there to meet them and hopefully win them over. It sounds easy enough, but she is a little concerned that her family will not be easy to convince and may not see all of his negative sides the same way she does.

Some people might think I'm crazy for putting myself through such a difficult situation but the last 9 months with her have been the best of my life. With that said though, I still don't feel great about her going to Paris. She is allegedly with her sister, although I haven't seen any photos of them together. She has turned off her normal means of communication with me via Hangouts, and her emails are very short. While my head is telling me to remember all the incredible things she emails me, my gut instinct is wary.
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Old 28th December 2016, 4:13 AM   #4
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Thinking specifically of your insecurities in general. My S/O n' I had our first visit in September. She has a one bedroom apartment w/ a guy from their high school days sleeping on the couch.

I talked to her about this before I flew out there. She told me that they definitely aren't in a romantic relationship. I didn't believe this until several things happened.

1. I was told(he told me) that he doesn't want to date her.

2. Before and after the visit, I heard her over the phone chewing him out.

3. During the visit, she defended me, against some of the guy's behavior.

My insecurity was that she was not genuine in what she had been telling me.

Because of her scolding him several times. I no longer have any insecurity over the situation.
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Old 28th December 2016, 3:12 PM   #5
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My only advice here is that you need to find out for yourself. Jumping to conclusions never gets us anywhere that we want to be.
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Old 30th December 2016, 3:06 AM   #6
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So why is she going to Paris instead of coming to you?

That's your first clue on how invested she is. Secondly, her family doesn't know you and it's likely you won't be welcome, and you shouldn't underestimate that.

All in all, I'd say you have a 10% chance to succeed with her.
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Old 11th January 2017, 5:38 PM   #7
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It's been a few weeks since my original post and I wanted to provide an update (if only to vent).

The relationship is over.

She was honest with me about her travels and not seeing her ex but now she says he is buying a house in Morocco near her. He has been planning this as a surprise with her parents. She didn't know about it and isn't thrilled. She doesn't love him but feels obligated to stay with him if only to appease her parents. It's hard hearing about how much she loves me yet this other guy wins out. Especially because he treats her poorly.

I know some may say that she might not of truly loved me since her actions, in this case, don't reflect that. However, what I've learned is that sometimes it's not enough that two people only love each other. Sometimes there are other factors in play. In this case it appears that she is putting her family's interest before her own.

With all of that said, it's extremely hard breaking up with someone who you know is probably going to be married to someone else soon. I mean breaking up is bad enough already. Not to mention even as of a few days ago we were still discussing our married and family life together. Now it's all gone. No hope for any of that with her. And now as I sit here alone at age 31, with little hope about my future dating prospects, I question whether anyone will ever be right for me.
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Old 12th January 2017, 3:09 AM   #8
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In the meantime, also start questioning customs (not those at the airport) and people from a religion that allows what just happened to you in 2017.
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Old 13th January 2017, 11:38 PM   #9
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I appreciate all of the advice provided.

I will definitely be reflecting on the cultural elements that tolerate such disfunctional relationships. It's incredible to me that any parent would selfishly place their happiness before their child's in a matter as serious as a life partner.

This break up was especially hard because we both didn't want the relationship to end. However, I'm actually angry about this whole situation now. I feel like I was used and mislead by her. Were her words genuine? She told me to promise never to leave her. That if I did, she would drive her car into the ocean. That her life would be meaningless without me. I realize those aren't exactly healthy ways for her to speak but I truly believed her level of attachment. Now, I'm questioning how to trust what anyone says anymore.

This situation has definitely hardened me now. I'll think twice about ever moving at the pace we did. I'll be much more skeptical of people I'm involved with. It's a shame because I know (and she told me often) that I have so much to offer yet I think I'll start offering less.
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Old 20th January 2017, 7:25 AM   #10
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I can understand her not calling since she is vacationing abroad. But why don't you ask her to Skype you so you can really talk.

The situation with her ex sounds a mess. Has she told him to stop calling and texting all the time? Where they still friends after the breakup or is his re-emerging new?

If he manipulates her by cutting or threatening to do so, this is a concern. Does her family know this?
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Old 20th January 2017, 2:58 PM   #11
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Just my opinion......she broke up with him for a reason...he's a nut job. By the sounds of it she has tried to leave him numerous times and each time he emotionally blackmails her. I can't imagine her wanting to go back to that twit. Give the girl some credit here. if she did, then she is just as much as a twit and you are better off.

If you are going to have a LDR, then you MUST TRUST her. If she stopped by to say hi to him, that is her business. I doubt it, but if she did it would be for her to give him complete closure and to tell him to move on. Does that sound like your girl? sure it does so stop worrying about it. She's an adult, she can handle the situation. Stop thinking she is this weak minded little girl that has no control.
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Old 21st January 2017, 3:00 AM   #12
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I guess the last posters missed post #7.
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