LiNuttree1 Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 Hi! My Bf (28/m) and I (24/f) have been in a relationship for 8 months now (long distance 4 months), we started out as a fling but it soon became more serious (he hasn't had a gf before). He is a qualified academic and quit his unsatisfying job 3 months ago and since then has been struggling to fulfill his lifelong dream of starting a career in research. At the beginning of this period he was quite hopeful and he asked me to come with him wherever life/job will take him, but for the last weeks his attitude changed completely (also towards me) and it seems that he lost joy of life and the trust in people (including me). He told me that he thinks that I might be more in love with him than he is with me, that he needs space and that we should slow things down. I love him and this is really hard on me, because I can't help him. I'm also afraid that he falls back into depression (friends told me that he had problems with that before). I don't know what to do? Should I just leave him alone? He isn't really communicative and I haven't heard from him for a few days now, I don't want to be clingy or pushy. Thanks for your help! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 Hi! My Bf (28/m) and I (24/f) have been in a relationship for 8 months now (long distance 4 months), we started out as a fling but it soon became more serious (he hasn't had a gf before). He is a qualified academic and quit his unsatisfying job 3 months ago and since then has been struggling to fulfill his lifelong dream of starting a career in research. At the beginning of this period he was quite hopeful and he asked me to come with him wherever life/job will take him, but for the last weeks his attitude changed completely (also towards me) and it seems that he lost joy of life and the trust in people (including me). He told me that he thinks that I might be more in love with him than he is with me, that he needs space and that we should slow things down. I love him and this is really hard on me, because I can't help him. I'm also afraid that he falls back into depression (friends told me that he had problems with that before). I don't know what to do? Should I just leave him alone? He isn't really communicative and I haven't heard from him for a few days now, I don't want to be clingy or pushy. Thanks for your help! If someone says or shows me that they need some space, I give it to them. I become NASA. They can contact Houston when/if they figure out what their problem is and whether or not they want me in their life on a deeper more involved way. I do that for as long as it takes. And, if they take too long to reach out, they may find that they do not have a place to land their aircraft . . . You can and should be supportive IF he reaches out, but don't force your support on him. Support is about the other person, not about your need to hear from or be with them. You support yourself by being busy with your life and not neglecting/tending to your own needs. You cannot be helpful or supportive to someone if you aren't taking care of yourself. This will prevent you from becoming clingy and help you manage your "neediness". 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LargoLagg Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 To echo the last theme, Space. The final frontier. Seek out new life, new civilizations. Go where you've never gone before. Seriously, if someone works up the courage to tell you to step back, you need to listen. Imagine what your frame of mind would have to be to say the same to him. That's probably he's feeling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ElizabethIII Posted December 18, 2016 Share Posted December 18, 2016 He told you straight up that he doesn't like you as much as you like him. Why are you even asking? Space means it's over and he doesn't have the courage to end it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 18, 2016 Share Posted December 18, 2016 It always baffles me when people in long-distance relationships request space. How much more space does one need when they don't even live in the same place? Unless you were being overly needy in texting/calling/messaging or trying to hammer out big future plans, this is probably a precursor to a break-up, OP. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 Hi! My Bf (28/m) and I (24/f) have been in a relationship for 8 months now (long distance 4 months), we started out as a fling but it soon became more serious (he hasn't had a gf before). He is a qualified academic and quit his unsatisfying job 3 months ago and since then has been struggling to fulfill his lifelong dream of starting a career in research. At the beginning of this period he was quite hopeful and he asked me to come with him wherever life/job will take him, but for the last weeks his attitude changed completely (also towards me) and it seems that he lost joy of life and the trust in people (including me). He told me that he thinks that I might be more in love with him than he is with me, that he needs space and that we should slow things down. I love him and this is really hard on me, because I can't help him. I'm also afraid that he falls back into depression (friends told me that he had problems with that before). I don't know what to do? Should I just leave him alone? He isn't really communicative and I haven't heard from him for a few days now, I don't want to be clingy or pushy. Thanks for your help! First this was a fling (not much interest he had for you) You fell in love with him now he wants you to back off! That's why he is telling you when they say then need space they need you to leave them alone. Get away from me. That's the way they mean it. Also he told you in his own words he's not really into you that way. So what you need to do it GET YOURSELF OUT OF THIS! Go find a real man but don't have a fling with him have a real date and get to learn from each other. Don't rush into love because that's the only emotion you have to hold on too. Now your going to hurt because you gave your emotional love to the wrong guy who doesn't feel the same way. That's how life treats you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RealGood Posted December 20, 2016 Share Posted December 20, 2016 Hi! My Bf (28/m) and I (24/f) have been in a relationship for 8 months now (long distance 4 months), we started out as a fling but it soon became more serious (he hasn't had a gf before). He is a qualified academic and quit his unsatisfying job 3 months ago and since then has been struggling to fulfill his lifelong dream of starting a career in research. At the beginning of this period he was quite hopeful and he asked me to come with him wherever life/job will take him, but for the last weeks his attitude changed completely (also towards me) and it seems that he lost joy of life and the trust in people (including me). He told me that he thinks that I might be more in love with him than he is with me, that he needs space and that we should slow things down. I love him and this is really hard on me, because I can't help him. I'm also afraid that he falls back into depression (friends told me that he had problems with that before). I don't know what to do? Should I just leave him alone? He isn't really communicative and I haven't heard from him for a few days now, I don't want to be clingy or pushy. Thanks for your help! Space is a code word for it is over. Move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 20, 2016 Share Posted December 20, 2016 Prep the Soyuz for undocking. For whatever reasons of his own he's lost his hunger for you. Thats painful for you, but you'll cope best if you don't resist it. Accept and move on. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted December 20, 2016 Share Posted December 20, 2016 He told me that he thinks that I might be more in love with him than he is with me, that he needs space and that we should slow things down. Sounds like he doesn't want to be a villain but realizes you are way more attached to him than he is to you. He is asking for space to help you detach. Give him space and don't expect much from him going forward . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LargoLagg Posted December 20, 2016 Share Posted December 20, 2016 It always baffles me when people in long-distance relationships request space. How much more space does one need when they don't even live in the same place? very insightful! Unless you were being overly needy in texting/calling/messaging or trying to hammer out big future plans, this is probably a precursor to a break-up, OP.even under those circumstanced, now that you've put it that way Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted December 20, 2016 Share Posted December 20, 2016 Some of these responses are a bit harsh. But @LiNuttree, I think the general theme of "He said he wants space, so give it to him" is correct. I'll add, though, that it's possible your BF is pushing you away because he doesn't want an intimate witness to this rough time he's going through —*he doesn't want all his failures and weaknesses exposed like that. Sometimes it can seem easier to navigate through those bad patches on one's own, so outside pressures and judgment don't play a role. That's usually false thinking, of course, but ... there nothing you can do to change that. I would give him a real taste of what he's asked for and step back from his life. He might realize that he's made a mistake. Or he might not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 It always baffles me when people in long-distance relationships request space. How much more space does one need when they don't even live in the same place? Amen to that. Some of these responses are a bit harsh. But @LiNuttree, I think the general theme of "He said he wants space, so give it to him" is correct. I agree. I'll add, though, that it's possible your BF is pushing you away because he doesn't want an intimate witness to this rough time he's going through —*he doesn't want all his failures and weaknesses exposed like that. Very true. Work-related failures play a big role for most men, who can shift into depression because of that. My man lost his job 3 years ago and he went through a rough patch for like a year. He thought he didn't have enough energy to go on with the LDR. He thought I deserved better, someone being there for me when I needed. Because being far away is challenging enough, and he was sort of going through the motions. He felt kind of spaced out, he was worried about his future, about finances, he felt like a loser and when your self-esteem is so low you don't want a nice woman by your side. In a woman's mind, a man should cherish their woman even more, but no, it usually doesn't work like that. He got depressed and was on medication for some time. I was strong for us both during that time. I went visit him, and he tried to dissuade me from doing that. But we had been knowing each other for 11 years by then, and together for almost 2 years. So I think you need to follow your instinct. Not your heart, just your guts. And be prepared for the worse, if you do. If you can't be bothered with that, then just let him go. I can't help him You can help him indirectly, if you want. Our actions can have invisible or (apparently) indirect effects, like the butterfly effect. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts