First meeting soon- anxious

[Music13]

Hey, I'm new here. I was hoping to have some little advices.

I'm meeting my long distance partner soon. It will be the first time since we started talking. He is coming for Christmas vacations during a couple of days. He is supposed to meet my family and so on..it's becoming official.

 

I was really happy of that but recently, I felt really anxious at the idea of him coming. His plane ticket is bought and so on. I bought him a Christmas gift. We talk about what we will do, but I don't know...i feel really scared. I don't know how it will be. We skyped twice, called a million time, sent too many text messages and emails. We talk everyday since a year. He loves me. He told it to me and I told him too, but I'm scared.

 

Last week, we skyped and he told me for the first time he loved me face to face. Normally, it's always over the phone and I haven't been able to tell it back. I just said "me too" because I didn't want to upset him. Some weeks ago, Everything was okay, but now, i just feel like im scared to tell him how I feel. I had some past problems with love and someone already told me I was trying to avoid relationships and I feel like it might be true. My SO is coming and I'm freaking out. It's becoming too real for me and I don't know how to deal with that.

He called me yesterday. He told me he loved me and I told it back but he said "I feel like you don't. I really love you" and I said "I know, I do too". I know I love him but I'm really scared of our meeting. I'm scared of him coming. I'm scared of the after and I don't know how to deal with that at all.

 

Does anyone ever experienced that? Is it normal? What should I do?

I'm starting to feel down because of that and my partner asks me a lot of questions about it. I'm a bit stressed too because we are not in the same place in life. He is older. He wants a family, a house. I'm still a student and he is my first boyfriend. I'm not ready yet to settle although I would like if I could do that with him one day. He told me he was ready to wait for me, that I was the one. But I don't know how we will manage it. Thinking of the future scares me a lot. I don't want to disappoint him if I talk of that with him. I can be a bit pessimist in life and he doesn't like me being negative. I trust him but I'm on my guard when I'm living difficulties or worrying. I don't feel like talking of my concerns with him as I'm scared to hurt him or I'm scared of how he might react. I don't want to lose him despite everything. I just don't know where I'm going in my life anymore and him coming is just making it more stressful.

 

It's like if everything's going too fast and I panic..I just needed a place to write. Some advices or some help..

[basil67]

Don't expect this to work. Sure, it may work - but don't *expect* it. And try not to be too disappointed if it doesn't.

 

Fact is, all your concerns have merit. The two of you haven't spent any real time together. You don't know what he's like to be with on a regular basis. You may find each other really annoying. Or there's just no chemistry. You have little experience with relationships and he's ready to settle down - so you're also at different places in life. He might describe this as being negative, but I see very real issues on your horizon. Pretending that potential problems don't exist is silly.

 

Go in to this with positivity. But if it doesn't work, don't hang on to it trying to fix it. Just let it be a learning experience and move on.

 

Out of curiosity, which of you is planning to move to live with the other in the longer term? What does your family think of all this? What is your age difference? Does he have much experience with dating?

[basil67]

And don't worry about disappointing him. Just be yourself. If being yourself doesn't work, then you know that he wasn't compatible with you.

[Music13]

Thanks for your quick reply..

I'm the one who would have to move on the long term. He has a job and he can't more here because of his visa and because he doesn't know my language. It would be impossible for him to work in his field with no knowledge of French and he doesn't really want to learn it.

We talked about him moving. The other day, he told me he could have a job here and the next day he said that this job didn't really interested him in the end. It's not the first time that he makes me think he could move and he changes his mind. When we talk about the future, its about me following him to permit him to live his dream (his job is really important for him)...

My family is here. I'm very family oriented too. So, it would be hard but I don't say no either. I wouldn't mind about living somewhere else, as long as I could see my family often.

But I would be terribly happy if he'd tell me he was moving here...he has no attach. His family is all away. If it wasn't of his job, he would probably already be here. But..it's quite impossible for the moment

 

My family is not for that. I told them only recently about him and about him visiting me at Christmas. This has been very difficult and it is still difficult from time to time. My parents are protector and they are scared I'll leave to go live with him. So, I have not talked to them about my possible plans of moving...they are worried and trying to control me. I'm conscious they can be scared but they have too much control over me as well. So it's really hard right now at home. I have trouble to deal with all this..

 

We have 5 years and a half of difference. He is 26. I'll be 21 in a month...he always told me it didn't bother him, but lately he talked to me about his worries and he said he didn't know if I was mature enough for him. I am mature. I don't go out. I don't cheat or anything. But I need to live my life and I'm not sure how to deal with a relationships. I often feel like I'm not enough for him and I feel like he might deserve better. So..it makes me and him worry sometimes.

 

He has experience with dating. He had one relationship of 4 years. His last one was 2 years ago and it lasted 1 year. He had 3 serious girlfriends in his life and it lasted always during a year or more..

He doesn't like talking about his past experience though. I feel like maybe most of the time, the girl broke up with him because of his job and him being too often absent. He told me the other day he was happy to finally have met someone who was ready to follow him. But it's hard for me too. He prioritizes his job over everything and this is something that worry me for the future. He wants a family but will he be even there?

I often talk to him about my worries, about me not having experiences and he laughs and says that it will be alright, that I don't need to have insecurities. I just don't know what to do with that..he also compares me a lot. He often says "no girls I know are like that" or "no girlfriends I had ever talked to me about such worried. It's weird". I asked him to stop comparing me because it was hard for me. I feel like sometimes, he is not totally over his past.

Sometimes I feel like it's too much for me despite all the love I have for him.

[ElizabethIII]

IMO he isnt your partner yet.

 

Your relationship doesnt start until you meet face to face and spend real time together.

 

You have never been to the movies, been for dinner, been for a walk in the park, stayed home in the evening and curled up watching tv together, spent a night together, nothing.

 

You havent even looked each other in the eye or held hands.

 

None of the relationship mile stones are there and already he is comparing you to other women. he wont learn your language, keeps changing his mind about moving to you and looking at jobs. You are the one expected to make all the sacrifices. Nice guy.

 

Dont be surprised if this pseudo relationship turns about to be something very different than you expect. He sounds very selfish.

 

You are only 20. Why cant you go and meet someone in real life and have a real relationship

Edited November 22, 2016 by ElizabethIII

[Els]

A bit of anxiety is normal prior to meeting in person for the first time. That being said, the way he compares you to other women is really off-putting, and I would be wary about that if I were you. Ditto with the way he makes you feel inadequate about yourself.

[Music13]

I invested so much time in that. I don't want to give up because he is not ready to learn French or he can't move because of his job. I could possibly meet someone here. There are tone of guys. But I'm not ready to turn the page while I'm in this since a whole year, day after day, putting all my heart in it. It may sounds silly but even though there is a lot of negative, there is a lot of positive. It's hard to deal with that, with the fact he compares me, with his behaviour, with him prioritising his job, but maybe if I don't try, I will never know where it could lead. He isn't perfect but I'm not either. I have trouble trusting him. I am jealous and needy. But I don't know...I just needed a place to write I guess. Thanks for all your replies.