When long distance actually works for me...what does this really mean?

[makingithappen]

Hi there, LS community!

 

It has been a long time since I've come back on this forum - was out of a LDR relationship for two years until recently, when my ex-boyfriend and I decided to get back together after 1 year IRL and 2 years of long distance previously.

 

I'm not sure if it's because we recently got back together (and hence back into the unfortunate cycle of texts/Skype calls while long distance), but I feel the long distance relationship aspect has made me feel indifferent and distant from my boyfriend recently, and I'm not sure if it's because of our relationship or because of the fact that we are currently long distance.

 

Whenever we spend time together for vacation, things are really great - we're all over each other, and things fall into place really seamlessly. Farewells at the airports are always rough with lots of tears from my side, and it usually is a bit rough emotionally the first one or two days post-vacation.

 

However, after I get past that, I easily get back into the routine of life back in my home country - life still goes on with my circle of friends and family, work, and everything else that goes on here (I'm based in South East Asia, in a metropolitan city with generally lots of things going on here and there that keeps me busy, while my boyfriend is from Western Europe, and having a bit of a slower paced lifestyle there with working hours and a smaller social circle). I'm starting to think whether I'm falling back into the routine of living my independent life here too easily, and whether it's because of the fact that it's LDR or more because of how he has been in managing the relationship from his side while on LDR. Currently, I'm trying to think of things to say to him via text or Skype, and haven't been hearing too much from him either (he's not particularly active on texts a lot of times).

 

Has there been anyone else who also experiences the same when in a LDR? I'm comfortable and happy with him in person, but am struggling to feel the same emotions while being LDR, and my worry is that I am perhaps only appreciating his physical presence, but am not in love to the extent that I am still head over heels thinking and talking to him even while apart. I live a fast-paced lifestyle compared to him, and I think this might also have to do with how I'm feeling in this relationship. If he was "the one", I would think this would not be the case regardless of whether I am there physically - would you agree with this?

 

Any experiences/thoughts you can share/advice would be much appreciated! We have been in talks of closing the gap next year-end, and I think with the approaching timeline I'm starting to feel a little apprehensive in my "due diligence" to make sure I'm absolutely sure I want to commit to him and this relationship (as I will be the one sacrificing my current company progression and lifestyle here for his country).

 

Cheers!

[justwhoiam]

Hi to you.

 

Has there been anyone else who also experiences the same when in a LDR?

I personally didn't experience the pattern you just described. It feels cold after we had a fight, and not always. But honestly, my feelings are as strong as they were in the beginning, after like 5 years.

 

If he was "the one", I would think this would not be the case regardless of whether I am there physically - would you agree with this?

Yes.

 

Any experiences/thoughts you can share/advice would be much appreciated!

I guess the time apart, I mean the time you were broken up, is at least in part the reason why you feel the way you feel now. More distant, colder.

 

I'm starting to feel a little apprehensive in my "due diligence" to make sure I'm absolutely sure I want to commit to him and this relationship (as I will be the one sacrificing my current company progression and lifestyle here for his country).

I guess that plays a big part in the way you are feeling now. You need to really see for yourself if you want to commit to him and leave your nice lifestyle, to end up in some dull industrial area. I have no idea where he lives, but something like that and giving up on your long-term friendships might have a great impact on your lifestyle and well-being. And it looks like you're settling for the unknown, because there was a big gap in the relationship, and I'm not sure if the problems that led to the breakup can be solved or are still there.

[Zuur]

It seems to me, you have a bit of a. cold feet situation?

Which seems perfectly normal, any human being in their right mind would think twice about such a step.

 

Its the once's that hurdle in on cloud nine, covered in fairy dust, looking through pink glasses that fall hardest.

 

Why don't you try it for a month?

[Els]

Personally, when I was in a LDR, I did have a different 'mindset' during the time that we were apart. It was just needed, in order to survive the distance. I spent a lot of time with friends and hobbies. We've been together IRL for several years now after closing the distance, and in hindsight I still don't think it was a red flag in any way. I honestly doubt that ANYONE who didn't keep busy with hobbies/friends could survive long-term long distance.

 

That being said, our conversations were almost never cold or distant. When we talked (which we did most days), much of it was still close and connected. In your case I think the coldness is probably due to the break you two had - you (rightfully) are protecting yourself from future heartbreak. Especially as you are the one sacrificing your career to move to him.

 

If it were not for him, would you not have wanted to move to his country? What is he doing in order to make your move easier? He should be offering some sort of support - emotional, financial, and/or visa sponsorship. It shouldn't be just you making the effort and sacrifices.