leilaa03 Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 hey everyone, my boyfriend and i met 3 years ago, but recently just gotten in a relationship thats been lasting for six months. when we got together, i was in university in the uk studying while he was back home, so when i came back for summer we were properly together and the 'real' ldr has started a month ago, when i had to go back to uni. we've been arguing at least once a week now, and it is really weighing me down considering i have a lot of studies and responsibilities to take care of.. most of the time it's me whos saying something hurtful unintentionally and without thinking which in turn hurts him and then i get hurt because i didnt mean what i said and i dont want to make him feel that way. he irritates me a bit, and i just blow up and say something that i dont mean. i don't know what is causing this, whether it is the distance (which i am not dealing well with, i keep myself distracted but there is always a void) or the fact that i am just stressed with uni. any advice would be really appreciated, i know i need to change but i just dont know how. i feel like i have a lot of things built in within me and i dont know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 Is it only in the context of being separate that you argue, or was it happening when you were together? It could be some misplaced anger/resentment as a result of blaming him for not being there, and not meeting your needs. Or it could be that you're generally not happy with the relationship and are trying to undermine it. Or, related to not getting needs met, seeking to increase intimacy or affirm connection by triggering emotions and cycling through the conflict and resolution process. Regardless of what it is precisely, you are almost certainly having some negative feelings and holding him accountable for something he can't control. You really need to figure this out and nip it. LDRs are tough even when everything is smooth sailing, but if it become a roller coaster of negative emotion and conflict it's likely to collapse under its own weight. Guys tend to like things smooth and don't understand the conflict as affirmation of connection thing. And it's not a healthy pattern regardless of LDR or not. I had that dynamic in my marriage and got worse and worse as time went on. Now that I'm out of it and have a smooth, peaceful relationship I realize that it's better to just terminate a relationship is there's a lot of conflict for no well defined reason, or that can't be settled by reasoning and compromise. Life's too short. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 (edited) What kinds of things are you saying that he deems hurtful? Have other people in your life told you that you hurt them or it just this guy? I just saw that you said the guy irritates you. Why are you even bothering trying to date someone you find irritating? It's only been a month and you already find him annoying so clearly this is not meant to be. This early on you should be infatuated with each other and looking forward to any time you can spend talking with another. Being irritated by him is a very clear indication that he is not the one for you. Edited October 7, 2016 by anika99 Added additional thoughts 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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