Co-dependant or just impatient?

[Dee9703]

A few years ago I started dating my charming British neighbor. I'd just come out of a long term relationship and he was recently divorced. We had a lot in common beyond our adjacent single bedroom apartments. We didn't spend ALL our time together but living so close made it easy to see each other conveniently throughout the day. Carl was always a bit homesick but liked his job and in no hurry to relocate. He even let his passport expire without noticing.

 

Fast forward a year later when his lease is up and he moves into my apartment down the street. We transition pretty easily and become a boring netflix couple. Then life happens, in that annoying way it does. First Carl gets laid off and with the job goes the health insurance. I work freelance in the film industry so I also am with out insurance. Around this time freelance work also dried up.

 

I got a day job, and while it was steadier it paid significantly less and we were barely scraping by. He applied for job after job but even in the same field the pay was low and didn't offer benefits. Two car payments and a months supply of asthma medication would wipe us out. We kept our bills paid but we never went out, ate ramen every night, and fought about genuinely silly things like hair cuts and snack cakes.

 

Our degrees didn't get us far. Creative writing and Set Design, respectively, made us useless outside of freelancing and teaching those subjects. So we decided to delay the enevitable and go back to school. Between traking down his decade old foriegn transcripts and my student loans I've only ever paid interest on we both hit roadblocks and missed enrollment cut off.

 

Then came the final straw, his car bit the dust. He had no choice to put it on a credit card or lose his crummy job. We love each other, but we were miserable. We never made enough to move but jobs kept disappearing here. He never liked Oklahoma, but first he stayed for his wife then his job. I always assumed I'd leave after college but my entire 20's went to my student loans not my career.

 

It would be nice if a 4th of my yearly income wasn't dependent on the Thunder making the play offs. We both want to leave but unfortunately immigration isn't that simple... especially in recent years. Last month an opportunity dropped in his lap. Turn up in London within the week and his sister had lined him up a copy writer job in her department at NHS. They even had a spare room for the month until he's topside up.

 

Medical pamphlets in London beats burger flipping in Oklahoma in any estimation. As much as I dreaded him going I could dream of asking him to stay. So I put him on a plane knowing I wouldn't see him for months, if not longer. Visas take time and A LOT of money. He is more than happy to get married but that alone will take time and two separate visas. I can visit without one but I can't work, study, or tie the knot. He'll need time to settle and I'll need time to save. We're pretty much LDR through the holidays.

 

It's only been a month, and we skype daily, but I'm antsy. He's got job and family and busy, busy, busy and I'm still sucking down ramen in our inexplicably empty apartment. I get it, be patient, save as much as possible. Pick a month to visit and use that to break up the long seperation. Rational me gets it but late at night me keeps analyzing innocuous, in-character texts. I shouldn't be offended at his ease and ability to function without me.

 

We talk as much as ever, but without the normal domestic stuff it feels like less. I don't think he's going to mess about. Getting girls to come back to your sister's guest room is a hard sell. I worry that he'll meet someone legimatly. Smart, pretty, AND physically present? Hard combo to beat. We've never been apart this long. Not that much has changed as result but 6 months, a year, that's way after the novelty of sexting wears off.

 

I'm committed, I'm not intimidated by the abstinence, or moving far from home, or even starting over in my career doesn't worry me like the wait. Never been in an LDR before. Have no clue how to go about it. No clue what's normal and what should cause for concern. Any tips, advice, or personal experience would be greatly appreciated.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Impatient, perhaps, but it doesn't sound like co-dependency. Do you have a timeline? It is always helpful to have achievable goals as they lead to reunification. It would be fun for the two of you to check off the days and celebrate each accomplishment.

 

Your feelings sound pretty normal. I was in a LDR once and made it a MUST to visit at least once a month. I was and am financially sound, so easy for me.

 

Keep up the daily skypes, but always have something new to talk about. Continue being eachother's cheerleader! Good luck!