I'm not a priority

[777doom]

Hi everyone,

 

So my girlfriend and I have been together for about 5/6 months now. For the middle 4 months it wasn't too long distance, we would see each other every week for a couple of days, more or less.

 

Recently she has gone to work on a cruise ship and we are about 2 weeks in to her 6 months contract.

 

She has always been a people pleaser and also suffers from low self-esteem issues. When we have had arguments she seems unwilling to take responsibility for her own part in it and deals with it by stonewalling a lot of the time but I guess these can be traits of someone with low self-esteem.

 

The issue here is that twice already we have agreed to have a phone call in the evening but 'something' has come up both times and she has failed to either a)inform me or b)make me a priority

 

The most recent example was yesterday when we were planning to speak in the evening but she got dragged into going for a meal with some friends on the ship, fine no big deal, we could call after and we were still texting a little during the meal.

2 hours then went by without any message from her (they have wifi on the ship but as crew they aren't meant to have their phones out in passengers areas) and I texted I would stay up if she was going to phone me otherwise I had to sleep as I was up early this morning, obviously no reply so I went to bed.

 

Well about 2:40 after the last text I had received from her she was apologising a lot because she and her work friends had bumped into their 'boss' who wanted to have a drink with them. She said she couldn't say no.

 

My issue here is that she should've said something like "I need to make a call but I will come and find you lot in 20 minutes" OR at least popped to the toilet so she could use her phone and just drop me a text to say what had happened so I wasn't left hanging. Neither of these things happened and I explained to her that it made me feel like I wasn't a priority and she needs to learn to say no for the sake of our relationship, and that just because I'm not there in person it doesn't mean I don't exist anymore.

 

She said she knows all these things and was sat there at the bar thinking "i need to text *me*" but she then said it was her boss and she wasn't exactly going to say no was she.

 

Well absolutely she should say no or something along the lines of what I said. I have on good authority that this boss of hers is very laid back and wouldn't have cared if she had to pop off to make a phone call (any reasonable person wouldn't have a problem with this).

 

I'm not sure where to go from here, she has a very good heart but I don't feel like it's aimed at me right now and especially given this distance, she needs to make these small sacrifices for the sake of 'us'.

 

I'm hopefully seeing her in a week when she docks for the day as well.

 

Any advice much appreciated!

 

EDIT: As I was typing this she has said she can go to the toilet and try to message me if it ever happens again, so that's a positive

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. However, I think you're being too rigid. If you keep it up she's going to get tired if the leash and start resenting you.

 

Relax and let her call when she's got time to call. If she never calls, then take it as a sign of low interest and end things. But don't force it.

[doyathinkso]

6 months on a cruise ship?

 

Hmm, well, I wouldn't let the grass be growing under my feet.

 

When she gets back she will seem like a totally different person. Don't have any false hopes of this relationship surviving.

 

I mean to say. what do you think goes on on cruise ships??? Yeah, that's right.

[777doom]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. However, I think you're being too rigid. If you keep it up she's going to get tired if the leash and start resenting you.

 

Relax and let her call when she's got time to call. If she never calls, then take it as a sign of low interest and end things. But don't force it.

 

Yeah OK, I need to find a balance and it's early days.

 

 

Also I am well aware of what happens on cruise ships, my sis has also worked on one for 4 years and knew my gf before I met her (thats how we met). My gf really isn't that promiscuous type so I trust her, but obviously whatever happens will happen.

 

Pretty much exactly a year ago she went on for her first contract and her bf of 1.5 years broke up with her a few months into that as well, so there may be some pre-disposed doubts in her mind already which wouldn't help things.

[kgcolonel]

Yeah OK, I need to find a balance and it's early days.

 

 

Also I am well aware of what happens on cruise ships, my sis has also worked on one for 4 years and knew my gf before I met her (thats how we met). My gf really isn't that promiscuous type so I trust her, but obviously whatever happens will happen.

 

Pretty much exactly a year ago she went on for her first contract and her bf of 1.5 years broke up with her a few months into that as well, so there may be some pre-disposed doubts in her mind already which wouldn't help things.

 

Just to understand, was it your sister that you're referring to as having broken up during her contract or your GF? If it was your GF, do you know why they broke up....i.e. disctance or infedility while separate. If the later, was it him or her that stepped out?

[777doom]

Kgcolonel,

I mean my gf's ex broke up with her in the same situations year ago. It wasn't due to infidelity but she also doesn't talk about it (and I've never asked), however she told me that the same thing started happening (as in problems between them) and he eventually broke things off after 3 months.

 

An update for anyone else reading. She did send me a message saying things will get better and she wants to get back to being 'normal' and in love with each other etc so for now I'll see how things go and give her a bit of slack in these situations as well for the time being

[smackie9]

Workin on a cruse ship? It's hard work but it's a party atmosphere too. Give her some freedom. LDRs are hard, and you need to learn to keep yourself busy with your own life. It's ok not to talk to each other for 2 or 3 days. It will work out just fine you will see.