What now? Moved- break up- still in love?

[p011yp0ck3t]

I was in a relationship this summer with a man who moved to California. I’m planning on moving out there in 2 years when I’m done with school anyways so I figured a Long Distance Relationship would be ok. His dad is a pilot too so he could visit me whenever and I could visit him whenever. We talked about it and he said he would make it work because he was falling in love with me, he trusted me… He asked me if I would move out there when I was done with school and I told him I would if we were still together. So I figured we would try this out. When I came back from Disney before he left… He told me he doesn’t know if he can handle the distance.. Doesn’t know if he trusts himself (I had to get that out of him sort of).. He asked about doing the no commitment thing and in two years get back together, which honestly hurt me. I told him that, that wasn’t fair to me blah blah blah. He ended up crying when we said our goodbyes and he called me and told me to come over because he was so upset and wanted to see me so I did. He asked me if I still wanted to go to his cousins wedding and I was back and fourth about it for awhile. I decided to go which was that Sunday. His family took pictures of us and whatever and me and him talked. He asked if I would really never speak to him again and I told him I would have to move on so yeah… He said he didn’t want to lose me and he wanted to try to make it work. The day after the wedding he left for California but wanted me to come by and say goodbye, so I did. Two days go by and he sends me a text saying something along the lines of… he doesn’t trust himself when he’s out there if he’s put in certain situations (his friends more than likely… Would be adding too it). He said he wants to be loyal but he doesn’t want anything to break the trust that we have…. Something like that. He also said he’s not ready to settle down yet blah blah blah… (Which I’m only 22 and he turns 24 next week, I’m not thinking about marriage any time soon so I didn’t understand that). We left on good terms… And I told him if it’s good timing for me and wants to try it again he could let me know. He told me also I was the best girlfriend he’s ever had….

 

 

He says he still loves me and cares about me

 

 

I sent him a birthday text on his birthday which was Wednesday and the conversation went like this

Me: Happy Birthday

Him: Thank You

Him: Thank You

Me: I think you sent that twice

Him: I have no service and I'm at drakes concert

Me: that's cool. Enjoy

Him: thank yaa .

 

I sent him a birthday text because I know it's the right thing to do and we didn't end on bad terms or anything, even though I did delete him off of social media because it just makes it easier for me to move on and I explained that to him too. I guess I'm just disappointed that he didn't ask how school was going or how I'm doing....

 

A week later he texts me

 

 

Him: I miss ya, hope your doing ok

Doing great.

 

Me: Good to hear from you, heading into dinner, keep in touch

 

Him: Ok, I'm at the Olympia in Vegas rn having a good time just thinking about ya. Nice FB pic btw, that guys hand looks good around your waist haha ?

 

(Side note, I cropped him out out my profile picture on Facebook because it's a good picture of me lol)

 

Me: It was a summer 16 accessory, used to look good then moved on to fall apparel-but I changed it today actually ??

 

Him: Damn, that's weird bc I heard that color was in all year round?

Him: Damn but u look good af in that new pic

 

(I was in a funk after this, I didn't know what to say so I just kind of left it. I fell asleep/ wanted to think about what I would say or if I would even answer him)

 

That morning I woke up to texts from him

 

Him: Word no answer I see how it is

 

Him: Im sitting here trying to be nice and reach out to you and maintain being on good terms and ur just gonna be mad short with me on purpose.. Like ok

 

Him: I really do miss you.. Wish u didn't have to he like that. Talk to u whenever I guess.

 

Me: Hey I'm not intentionally ignoring you or being short. You know I miss you too. you know I care about you and adore you. I'm not interested in being a backup, an option, or being strung along. I don't want to be friends or in an open relationship. I respect your decision to end the relationship. I'm moving on. Give me a call if you want me and want to be with me, but I if that's not the case, respect me just let me be

 

Him: What happened to "the door is always open"?

Him: I guess that changed pretty quick

Him: If your moving on than i don't really have a choice.

 

Me: Read the message again Michael.

 

Him:And I do think ur intentionally being short. You've never spoken to me like that before so it's pretty clear u are

 

Me: You're not understanding what I'm saying. Call me

 

Him: And I understand what you want but I can't give it to your rn anyway. I was serious when I said I think you could be the girl I would be with long term

Him: That's why it upsets me that your moving on, because down the road you would be the girl I wanna end up with

Him: I can't I'm at the Olympia I can call u later

 

Me: It's either you want to be with me, or you don't, yes or no. It's that simple.

 

Him: I want to. Just not right now

Him: I really wanna be with you Payton

 

Me: No you don't .There's no in between

 

Him: Actually there is. I'm not gonna do a long distance relationship when I'm trying to build my brand

 

Him: If you lived here you would be my girlfriend

There's no in between Michael.

 

Me: I understand you're building your brand. But do you understand what I'm doing?

 

Him: Yeah your studying your ass off in school

Him: Do you even still love me or no

 

Me: I'm in college, focusing on myself too & stepping out of my comfort zone to get myself where I know I can be.

Me: How does your brand have any tie towards me? I'm not holding you back from anything.

 

Him: Answer my question

 

Me: I'll answer your question when you listen to what I have to say

Him: I am listening. Just answer the question

 

Me: Let me say what I need to say

Me: I don't know what it is you want from me.

"I can't trust myself." What that says if you're given an opportunity, to explore other options you're going to do that. If you truly feel so strongly about us & you feel the way you do about me, you would want to do everything in your power to make it work, you wouldn't want to lose me. If you truly feel the way you say you do, there should be no problem with commitment. You say all of these things to me but your actions have not shown me that. I get it, a long distance relationship is a difficult thing, but if you feel strongly enough about a person you would do everything in your power to make it work, that is if you don't care to lose them If you're not able to commit to me, what other options do I have other than to move on?

Along with that what does a long distance relationship has anything to do with your brand?

I'll answer your question when you answer mine

 

Him: It's not that I can't trust myself, it's just that putting my life on hold for 2 years is going to be hard as **** and I think it's unrealistic for both of us and I just don't think it's the best way to handle this situation. It's easy to say all this about a long distance relationship until it's 6 months from now and you realize how ****ty it is not being able to see each other. Do I see myself settling down with you in the future, absolutely, no question about it, I want too. But it's just sheer stupidity to wanna put each other in this type of situation when we're so far away from each other. And as far as my brand goes, being In a long distance relationship while I'm trying to build my brand is distracting and would take away my focus on what I wanna do. I love you. I really do, I've been thinking about you everyday since I've been here and it's been really hard for me to not keep hitting you up because I miss you a lot. I just don't think there's only two choices here, I think you're being extremely stubborn that we can't just talk occasionally and be on good terms so when I do come home I can see you and visa Versa. Until your done with school and we can really settle down like we want.

 

Me: Do you think that is fair to me?You can't have your cake and eat it too. I'm sorry Michael, that's not how it's going to work with me. If you really love someone you can make it work, no matter the circumstances. I'm not okay with you hooking up with other people & expecting to see me when you're here. I'm not settling for something like that

If you can't be with me now then I can't see myself with you in the future- I won't be with someone who will willingly let me go. Do you think that's something that I deserve? The fact of the matter is, if you really feel the way you do about me, you wouldn't take the chance to lose me How would you be putting your life on hold? You're asking me to put mine on hold and let you do what Tf you want to do, when you want too, while I stay loyal to you. I cannot do an open relationship. I'm sorry but I deserve more than that. You either want to be with me Michael or you don't. There's no in between- it's either you want me or you don't . You know I love you Michael I really do. But I cannot put myself in this situation. It is unhealthy for me to be committed to someone who cannot commit to me. I'm not going to be your option. I deserve better than that & I think you can agree You're not making me a priority, I'm not a priority to you, so I can't be with you. What do you want from me? You would be okay with me being with other people? That would be ok with you?

 

Me: Look, I know I'm coming from an emotional state right now. We're not on bad terms. The door is still open, I'm just not ready to talk right now, please just give me time.

 

He typed then stopped... What should I do? I love him and I don't want to lose him. I see a future with him but it hurts me that he won't commit to me now.

[Lois_Griffin]

You know how I'm able to tell you two are too immature for a real, adult relationship?

 

Because you 'discuss' serious, life decisions over TEXT. That's immature and cowardly, and what teenagers do. Not grown adults.

 

I couldn't read all that text stuff but the gist of it is that he knows forced celibacy for two years and having a silly Skype/texting relationship while everyone else around him gets to live their lives like young men his age are supposed to do, doesn't appeal to him. You're trying to force a virtual relationship on him and he doesn't want to be tied down to it.

 

At least he was honest about it.

 

LOL...I'm not sure what he means by 'building his brand.'

 

Bottom line - stop trying to force him to do something he clearly doesn't want to do. You're lucky actually because a lot of so-called 'long distance relationships' end up in the gutter because one of the participants was lying their pants off and claiming to be true blue when they weren't. Give this guy credit for being honest.

 

But also respect what he's telling you.

[hopelessromanticchic]

Damn! This conversation had me like lol girl everything you said I would have said. I can see where both of you are coming from. He seems like he really wants to be with you but wants to keep you around and yes string you along. He's being selfish. He's not thinking about how you feel. Some Guys can easily be friends with their exes but to us it's painful. Especially if you know he's far away from you and single, going out meeting new people living life. Who knows what he could be doing or who and you just drive yourself nuts trying to keep your "friend" composure on the other side of the phone. It just doesn't work period!

 

I'd be confused AF too if I was in your shoes..I'm in a LDR too first time for me it's only been a lil over a month and I'm already frustrated. I believe in the phrase "if it's meant to be it will be". I can understand that he wants to keep in contact with you because he's not ready to let you go completely. He still had feelings for you and it sucks to let go of someone so easily. I mean you can understand too you're feeling the same way about him. But atleast you know that this isn't fair for you especially.

 

I agree with Lois_Griffin, he is being honest about the situation he isn't sweet talking his way out. It's selfish that he wants to keep you around like I said but you do have to admit he's right about the whole "not trusting himself" thing. He's a man .... and wants to keep his loyalty. With you guys being apart anything can happen wether you avoid it or not. He knows it would be wrong if he messed up one day and have to feel bad about it because of you. It makes sense what he's saying.

 

I say that you guys don't talk for a while. Let him "think" about what he wants. In the meantime, Just do you. You can't be strung along either and you can't be waiting up for him until he's ready. If in a couple years once your lives are aligned and you're still thinking of him and you reach out or he reaches out then start talking again and see if there's anything left and you guys can meet up again.

Edited September 21, 2016 by hopelessromanticchic

[kidm]

He can't give you what you want. You're only hurting yourself by staying in contact with him. I think his message is pretty clear and you get it - he does like you but not enough to do long distance for two years. He wants to be free to explore options nearby while you sit and wait for him. And if/when he does come visit, you also make yourself available to him. He is in a new place, meeting new people, you're both young, etc. etc. More than likely, he will find someone else and start a new relationship. You need to protect yourself and move on. He is being very inconsiderate and unfair in what he is asking of you. Very selfish. It's all about him!