So.. We're Meeting Up

[KillerQueen]

I'm not exactly sure as to how to start this so I guess I'll just dive right in --

 

A month or so (probably closer to 2 months) ago I met someone through an online game. We actually met through another person I knew and then hit it off almost immediately. We decided to start talking and gaming privately and it's been pretty decent ever since then. We text message, talk, game, and Skype quite a bit. (I was actually quite surprised at how natural it felt to get on web cams with this person at first, ALL innocent, before you guys assume anything.)

 

So, we decided that we should meet up THIS weekend. Our thought process is that we want to see how we are in person before anything progresses further. We're not "together" but we aren't just friends either, so we thought it would be best to meet sooner rather than later.

 

I wasn't nervous at all, until I mentioned it to family. (I'm a grown woman, almost 30, yet I still answer to my parent(s)). They are not supportive and think I'm being completely naive about all of it. I'm not an idiot, I know that there is always a chance something bad could happen. However, I've been speaking to this person everyday and Skyping them. I feel like maybe something would of fallen through the cracks by now, a red flag, something.

 

I haven't had the best luck with past relationships and I think that's the root of some of the apprehensiveness and worry coming from my family. The man I'm meeting is a few years older than me, 7 years to be exact. This bothers my mother, particularly. He's got a steady job and is traveling to a nearby city in my state. So we agreed to meet half way between where we're both located. (Actually, I would say he's coming a bit further than it is for me.)

 

I'm very frustrated because I feel like I'm doing the right thing by us meeting SOONER rather than later. Why invest so much of yourself in someone and prolong meeting when it's possible to meet right now? The last time I waited to meet someone, I waited 2 and half years and it never happened. I don't want a repeat of that.

 

I mean, we're meeting in a public location, and just hanging out for the rest of the weekend. The city is very touristy so there's a lot to do. I've agreed to report to my mom every step of the way and even Skype with her when needed. She has a way of making me feel guilty about the whole thing, meanwhile, this man has already shelled out close to a grand for his hotel stay and we had already planned it out. She wants me to change the plans and only stay the afternoon then head back to the city where I live. OBVIOUSLY if I feel something a miss, I'm leaving, no question. I've even OFFERED her to talk with the guy and she refuses.

 

I'm not sure what else to do at this point. I should be excited right about now, but I'm annoyed. I UNDERSTAND that she cares and that she would rather see me meeting people locally, but I'm not the extroverted person she feels I need to be when being approached. Don't get me wrong, I've met people around here, but no instant "connections" like this one.

 

Am I being completely oblivious here? Do I need to change plans on this poor man because of the guilt from my mother? I even mentioned it to him (as embarrassing as it was) and he said he completely understood because in his culture, family can be quite overbearing but at some point, decisions need to be made by me. I totally agree. I come from a strict christian family and a small town. So.. If this all seems foreign to anyone, that's probably why.

 

"You're head strong and too trusting and you're going to be a victim of human trafficking". Sounds outrageous, but I've been hearing that every time I talk to my mother. She's also not keen on me meeting someone "outside" my race. *Sigh*

 

Could I get some suggestions or advice, even just a kind and/or supportive thought?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read,

KQ

[Miss Clavel]

i agree with your mom, sorry. i guess because i'm a mom. and this has nothing to do with your or your ability to sense out danger and nothing to do with "not being supportive".

 

im glad you are meeting him sooner rather than later.

 

there is some danger involved here. and you acknowledge that. you list the "rules" you are going to follow to keep yourself safe.

 

however, i'd like to ask you why is he staying in hotel? where are you staying? is there a way for you to leave his picture with your mom, just in case?

 

maybe it would be best not to stay overnight or consider bringing someone with you?

 

good luck

[angel.eyes]

Another person who agrees with your mom. Not a mom.

 

Planning an overnighter for a first date with a complete stranger is nuts! Why does he even need a hotel room? Where are you staying during this overnighter? Meet in a public place with lots of people around, then go your separate ways after a couple of hours of conversation. You know nothing about this man!

 

Also, an older man who contacts and wants to meet strange women long distance raises all sorts of red flags. How do you know he's not married and looking for a little side action??? Again, why on earth does he need a hotel room to meet you for the first time?

 

He's spending thousands of dollars on it? What hotel room is this? Even a regular suite in a five-star hotel for one night doesn't cost thousandS of dollars!

 

Time to remove yourself from the fantasy you've built up in your head and look at the reality of the situation.

Edited August 30, 2016 by angel.eyes

[angel.eyes]

Why aren't you looking for local men to date? Join a gaming group on meetup if gamers are who you like.

[randall]

I'm a guy but in a similar way to you I've met people I liked while playing online as well.

 

A lot of girls join me in voice comms and are talking to me all the time, every night. Not because I'm a 'player' but because of the way things were set up in the game the people who led big raids (like me) just had lots of girls in comms all the time.

 

I would never try to talk any girl into meeting me in a hotel away from where they live. And especially not a girl I'd only been talking to for 2 months.

 

And while I agree with you that it's good to try and meet early on so you know if things will work out earlier rather than later, there are good ways to do it and bad ways.

 

Personally if I asked a girl who was 7 years younger than me to meet in real life I'd let her choose the time and place and in a way that was most comfortable for her. It 100% wouldn't be some distant hotel that she had to travel to.

 

I think your mom is right to be concerned. Perhaps there's nothing to worry about and he is a really great guy, but he's definitely not approaching this the way a man should.

Edited August 30, 2016 by randall

[stillafool]

Don't you have any close girlfriends who can watch your back instead of telling your mom?

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry if I missed this detail somewhere, but do you intend to spend the night with him in his hotel?

[Zahara]

I understand why your mother is concerned.

 

You're meeting a man you know nothing about but just by the image you've built in your head and the persona he has presented over an online game.

 

A grand for a hotel room over the weekend. I don't know what hotel he's staying in but I find that hard to believe. I'm thinking you're spending the night with him at this hotel - don't do it. Even if it's just to hang out. It's incredibly foolish on your part.

 

When/if you feel something is amiss you will leave? What happens if something unfortunate happens in the hotel room and you are in a situation that doesn't allow you to leave? Don't be silly.

 

Protect yourself. Excitement is making you giddy but try to use your head and make good decisions for yourself.

[justwhoiam]

I have random thoughts about this all.

 

1. You are in a "traditional" family and it looks like you really do need to "break loose".

 

2. I was brought up in a similar context, and though I feel I'm an out-of-the-box thinker, I'm quite oldfashioned on certain things. If it's a date, he'll come to me, pick me up and take me out. No matter how old I am. I don't need to prove I'm an independent woman. I actually think you'll come across as more self-assured if you take a stand. And not in front of your mother this time, rather in front of this man you're getting to know.

 

3. Don't let him boss you around so early in the interaction. Show him character.

 

4. The way you feel responsible about him spending almost a grand on a hotel stay is a bit disturbing. You're meeting a guy who asked you out. Right? So he should be grateful just because you said yes. That's how I see it. I know, it might not be politically correct to think this way, but I claim my right to think like a woman, and not having to be fair. I'm not for equality when it comes to wooing.

 

5. If he spent all that much money, I assume it's for 2 rooms for tonight. Am I right? If that's the case, make sure you A) don't drink alcohol at all and B) don't enter his room, for no reason. He shouldn't be there for the sex, he should be there to see if there's potential for a relationship with you. So don't ruin the chance. What you do and steps you take will change the outcome.

 

6. I think that planning the night out was a bit too much for a first date. Quite binding. And I too can't see how he might spend 1,000 on just one room for one night. Is he a sheik's son or something like that? I sense more of a red flag there.

 

7. You mentioned he's from another culture. What is it?

Then you mentioned he's "outside" your race. Do you mean he's black? Indian? Chinese? What exactly?

 

8. I have a bad feeling he feels entitled. Don't let him get away with it. That's the only way you'd prove you're mature enough.

Edited September 3, 2016 by justwhoiam

[Els]

Well, two separate issues here:

 

1. I think your mum is overbearing and you need to stop letting her tell you what to do or control your life to that extent. You're 30, not 13. You need to start establishing boundaries with her. You say you 'still answer to her' - why? That can only carry on so long as YOU allow it to. Stop allowing it to. I understand the cultural context (I have very religious parents myself) but if you're not happy with something, you need to start taking baby steps towards fixing it.

 

2. I think it's fine for you to meet the man in a public place, no need to change your plans on that. However, regardless of how much he spent on the hotel, do NOT feel pressured to go there with him. You do have a place of your own to stay at, right? And you will be driving your own car?

 

I'm honestly not sure why you're getting so much flak for this just because you met him in an online game. Lots of people meet people from OLD sites and there isn't as much furore over the risks in those cases. Sure there is some element of risk in all cases, but I don't see your case as being substantially more dangerous than the average OLD date as long as you adhere to the boundaries above.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Elswyth

[Miss Clavel]

once you are in any hotel room and the door shuts, and the door locks, how likely is it that anyone is going to hear you scream?

 

there is not much in a hotel room besides a bed, no matter the price of the room. a few chairs a table a toilet and a bed. looming large.

 

reconsider.

Edited September 12, 2016 by Miss Clavel