How to deal with being a LDR "lover", when I want more

[buildingcincinnati]

Hello, everybody. I just joined and this is my first post. I just wanted to vent -- and maybe get some feedback -- on my current situation.

 

X (not her real name) and I reconnected in April 2014 on Facebook, when she noticed through some of my postings that I was going through a rough time. We had a brief history back in college in the mid 1990s, then lost contact with each other after that. She was in the process of going through a divorce at the time, and finally ended her unhappy marriage of 10 years early this year.

 

Things heated up pretty quickly. She was unfulfilled; I was flattered and, soon, smitten. We shared our innermost thoughts. Sometimes she'd send me little gift packages from her home 1,200 miles away. We sent each other sexy pictures and had some pretty heated talks on Messenger.

 

In March 2015, I was invited to a conference in Dallas, so I invited her to join me there. And she did. It was the first time we'd seen each other in nearly 20 years. And it was fantastic. We click, physically and emotionally. We have fun together and truly enjoy each other's company.

 

I have flown out to visit her probably 8 times since then, usually staying for 10 days or so but one time for 18 days. She has come here once, for a week. I have met her son. She has met my family.

 

Lately, she has backed off and become a little more distant. She no longer sends me things, and she no longer compliments me like she used to.

 

She has always been up front that she's not looking for a relationship with anyone. She needs this time to be single, to date, and to find herself. And I totally get that, even if her words don't always square with her actions. She has told me that she's slept with other people, which kills me. But I know that she's a highly sexual person and was in a pretty much sexless marriage for a decade. So I get it. She does love me...probably not in a romantic way...but she thinks of me as a lover.

 

I haven't slept with anyone else. I'm totally in love with her.

 

What makes it so difficult is the distance. 1,200 miles. Flying isn't cheap. So she gets to decide when and if she gets to see me, if ever. Me, I want to be a significant part of her life and to share life experiences with her. I don't need a pen pal.

 

I haven't been a complete saint here, I should say. I bottle up all of these feelings and emotions from being stranded out here on this island, then I'll drink to ease the pain and end up dumping all of these emotions out on her. They're valid feelings, mixed in with stuff that I'm sure feels manipulative and immature to her. I do get that. But I'm not sure if she pulls out the little nuggets of truth within all of the emotional diarrhea.

 

But I also know that it helps push her away more. And that it's not healthy for either of us.

 

We still talk every day, but it doesn't feel the same as it used to. And it's becoming an emotional yo-yo for me. I am getting ready to start therapy, which will hopefully give me some personal insights.

[RecentChange]

First, will you move / relocate to be with her? If so, when could you make that happen? I am kinda against LDR that do not have an achievable end goal.

 

Second this is a rebound for her.

 

And third, it's really easy to have things fantasy land perfect when you are with someone during "visists" only. Day to day life with all of its mundaneness and stresses is another story.

 

And is this love or infatuation? And if it is love - why do you love someone when it's unrequited?

[buildingcincinnati]

RecentChange,

 

1) I am not in a situation financially where I can move right now. And the fact is, I think she'd prefer that I not live there. But, given the opportunity, I would move there in a second.

 

2) It is a rebound, and I understand that.

 

3) I totally get that day-to-day life is different from visiting and online chatting.

 

4) It is love. And you can love someone when they don't love you back. That said, she does love me and care about me. She just doesn't love me in a way where she wants to be exclusive with me, or with anyone else.

 

Maybe I'm not so much looking for advice as I am looking for people who may have found themselves in the same situation. I don't know.

[RecentChange]

I tend to be pragmatic, so don't think I am just picking on you

 

No doubt your situation is confusing and a bit heart wrenching - but let's look at the practical.

 

You have fallen in love with someone who is not returning the same level of love nor devotion - or even care, because she does things with her own intests before yours.

 

Yes, it's possible to have unrequited love - but I think when it happens, the person who is pouring their heart into the other, with out that same level of love and devotion returned, they have to ask themselves some hard questions.

 

Why do you settle?

Why do you allow your emotions to grow when they aren't being returned in the same way?

Why do you love someone who doesn't make themselves available to you?

 

Do you love the way she makes you feel? The way she makes you feel about YOURSELF?

 

What is your relationship history? Is there any pattern here?

 

And well, if you can't move, and she doesn't want you to - what's the real world end game here?

 

I don't see a happily ever after from what you have described. She sounds emotionally unavailable, and wants to play the field. You sound emotionally invested and carried away in a fantasy of what ifs.

 

The one thing above all others a successful relationship has to have is a common vision of the future, a common goal.

 

I have a feeling if you each wrote down what you want this relationship to become, those narratives would be quite different.

 

My advice? Pull back just like she has. Stop putting all of you eggs in her basket, and just like she is, explore the possibilities around you.

[buildingcincinnati]

Oh, RecentChange, I didn't think you were picking on me at all! You asked some important questions.

 

I suppose that I do have some self-doubt, and I do suffer from anxiety and depression. And I sometimes need attention and validation from others to feel good about myself. I recognize this as an issue, and I hope to come to terms with it through therapy.

 

I do love the way she makes me feel...especially when it was much more intense and she wasn't so distant. And you're right, I am terribly emotionally invested. Otherwise, this wouldn't be so hard.

 

My previous relationships...well, the last two kind of stand out. I dated a girl for about a year and a half and then I broke it off because I wasn't really IN love with her, and I couldn't see a future. I didn't think it was fair to her to continue. I then didn't date seriously for about a year, then had this few months long fling with this hippie chick who was pining for a married man who she was convinced was going to leave his wife for her. All the great sex in the world wasn't worth that torment.

 

I do thank you for the advice.

[Els]

You're not in a LDR, OP. You are, at best, her FWB. She has been honest with you about her desires and expectations. You are just hanging on because you're hoping she will change her mind, but what sort of way is that to live?

 

I strongly suggest you go NC and try to get over her. If a woman has slept with you for a year and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, I personally don't think she will ever want it.

[Popsicle]

I hate to point this out, but she was married when you first got into a relationship with her. People who cheat often use the other man/other woman as a stepping stone, but there really isn't anything substantial behind it. Cheater are users because they have issues. You can't save or help them and you'll just end up being used, should you get involved with one who is still in another relationship. If I were you, I would just accept that none of it meant anything.

[buildingcincinnati]

To be fair, she was separated when we first slept together and the divorce was already in motion. Neither party had any desire to reconcile the marriage.

 

Now, whether or not one agrees that that is cheating is a whole different issue.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, the truth is, she's not nearly as invested as you are. While she may have enjoyed your daily contact and the time or two you got together and spent time with one another, she doesn't see that as some kind of committed relationship.

 

She sees it for what it IS.

 

You're basically fantasy land to her. Most people don't want to live their romantic lives through Skype and their cell phones. That's silly and unrealistic. The time comes when you want to DO things with your partner, even if it's just mundane stuff like going to the mall together to buy new towels or having breakfast together on a Sunday morning.

 

You can't DO any of that stuff when you live 1200 miles away. For most people, the 'thrill' of spending part of your day chatting with someone on Skype tends to wear off after a while. And it's worn off for her. You're the electronic equivalent of a pen pal. I'm sorry, but that's what you are.

 

I guess if you feel you need a therapist to help you get over this, then that's a step in the right direction. People deal with broken hearts every day, it's nothing new. You'll eventually move on.

[justwhoiam]

[How to deal with being a LDR "lover", when I want more]

 

Make yourself less available. Show less interest. Don't contact her anymore. She will soon miss her kind "penpal" and the benefits.

 

If she doesn't even miss that, then it's better to move on, as your time together was less than memorable.

[buildingcincinnati]

The time comes when you want to DO things with your partner, even if it's just mundane stuff like going to the mall together to buy new towels or having breakfast together on a Sunday morning.

 

I loved this quote.

[buildingcincinnati]

Make yourself less available. Show less interest. Don't contact her anymore. She will soon miss her kind "penpal" and the benefits.

 

If she doesn't even miss that, then it's better to move on, as your time together was less than memorable.

 

I have definitely been doing so. Not necessarily out of spite, but out of a need for self-preservation.

[Els]

OP, I think you are trying to extrapolate the failings of your unrequited crush onto LDRs in general, when it isn't the case. On the one hand I suppose whatever helps you get over an unrequited crush is a 'good thing', but on the other hand if you pin all of this on "LDRs" and use that to reassure yourself, what's going to happen when you're both in the same place again?

 

LDRs can and do work if both people want them to - I know plenty of couples who started out LD, have closed the distance, and are now in a happy LTR/marriage. One of them is expecting their second child now, and another have been together IRL for over a decade. But none of that applies in your case. The issue in your case isn't the 1200 miles - that could be surmountable if both of you really wanted it to be. The issue in your case is that even if you only lived 1 mile apart, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

 

Look, you have done everything in your power to try and make this relationship happen, and all she has done is sleep with you. If that's what you wanted (plane flights in exchange for sex) then fine, but it isn't. Even if you only lived 1 mile apart, if what you wanted with her was a R and not casual sex, you would have needed to leave.

 

As harsh as it sounds, you need to understand that she just isn't interested in you. This isn't some case of star-crossed lovers with 1200 miles in the way. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but because I think this distinction will help you greatly in going NC with her.

[Elwood]

I went through something similar...I should say I still am going through it. I met someone online and we ended up in a LDR. In time we decided to meet and I ended up flying out to see her 8 times. At first it was great and seemed like we both wanted the same thing but in time she distanced herself from me. She eventually broke it off with me saying it was all a mistake. I was basically a rebound for whatever she was going through. I know how you feel. I loved her and would have moved to be with her. Truth is she never really wanted me, not as a boyfriend. Fast forward nearly a year later and I'm still struggling. She talks to me from time to time and says I'm a friend but it's not so.

I know you love her. I know you would move and be with her. However, she doesn't want that. As others have said, start limiting your contact. Let her contact you. Start taking care of yourself. I waited too long and am paying for it now. As hard as it is pull away now. Starting therapy is good, I did the same thing. When you said you don't need a pen pal I knew exactly what you meant. That's exactly what I've become to the woman I was involved with. Just a "pen pal".

 

I know how hard it is to be in this situation. It's been hell for me. I hope things are better for you.

[buildingcincinnati]

Thank you, Elwood. I know there are plenty of people who are in this situation, and in some weird way it helps to actually hear from one.

 

I wish you the best.