My story

[eddu]

Well, I need advice, help whatever... I feel like im dying , and i didin't slept good...maybe 16 hours in 8 days.

well i'm dating her for 5 years..3 togheter in my parents house , 2 in LDR. She is Japanese.

In past 2 weeks, she changed like ...more cold, less interesed in me, not caring that much about me

Though also i was busy before with univ, and before those 2 weeks, she was normal like always, yes , very busy with work, but normal.

I maybe i understand her that she is stressed with work, she started to work from 2 months ago, and its exhausting...from 6 to 9 pm as office worker for a financial banking system.

In those 5 years a lot of stuff happened, but mostly we were happy of course, and she wanted to marry me, and putted me preasure to do that. I wanted to focus first on my studies, and i said that i want to marry her afterwards.

But she just sent me message yesterday ,,I'm not sure about if i want to be with you in the future, I'm only yours, i feel love but not sure if i love you like before.

i don't know what to do..., I mean she could have told me when we were togheter 3 months ago...because it quite cruel ... We were even having plans to get married, and now this.

She says she gives me one more chance, and wants me to change, but doesn't give me more details . I have booked a flight to Japan since a month ago in 2 days, but i don't know if to go or not. She told me like 2 weeks ago to go to Japan and I'm very welcomed at her house, but now she doesn't know.

She swears to me she didin't found anybody else, and i believe her. She loves me but not like before, though she still says to me ,,I love you,, and ,,Ai ****eru,,(Japanese strong word for ,,I love you,,)

The only hope i have is that Wednesday the gift for her bday arrives, something quite unique and special , so I'm waiting for her reaction.

 

I really don't know what to do anymore , after 5 years, it would be very cruel to end this relationship like this ;(

Though if she doesn't think she wants to be with me , she should tell me in face. I really want her happiness, even though she thinks it's not with me . But hurts like hell, and i cannot even eat nor sleep.

[ThinkMore]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. That's something that is so very hard to deal with. You didn't mention how soon in future you would be able to get married and live together again. Long distance is very challenging in itself, for some people more than others. For most people physical presence and contact is essential to maintaining a connection with their partner in the long run. They can't cope without it. The feelings that were there get frayed, or corroded, over time, until the bond breaks. This is especially true if there isn't a definite date where for sure the separation will end.

 

You know you're sure about a marriage in future. She does not have that certainty you will marry her. Your promises are too vague. It is too much to expect her to live with such uncertainty.

 

With great distance there is expense in visiting. So on the one hand she probably knows it's right to tell you to your face. On the other, you're going to a lot of trouble and expense only to find out the romance is over. She likely feels some guilt over that.

 

I wish you the best in coping with this.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Eddu,

 

Welcome to the LoveShack LDR forum.

 

Being in a LDR myself, I understand your pain, concern and fears.

Having passed the 2 years threshold, I understand the ups and downs.

Being a woman, I understand how she needs more and has to deal with less.

 

I'll mention my random thoughts on your current situation.

 

1) You gave details about her, but none about you. Where are you at? How far are you from her?

 

2) You said her birthday is approaching. Don't just rely on the present you sent her. Can you be the first one to wish her happy birthday, when it turns midnight where she is? Right on the first minute of her birth day? And can you arrange something special for her that day? Like a lunch together or a call that won't interfere with her birthday party?

 

3) Reading your words, her insecurities are making you a defeated man, as if you were ready to just separate from her for the rest of your life. I think it should have a different effect on you, if you really care about her and love her to bits. You should try anything not to lose her. But I'm not sure your own love is that strong. So it's better for you to assess that and act consequently.

 

4) If you really love her very much, go to Japan as soon as possible to see her. Book some hotel near where she lives, possibly for the two of you. I hope her parents have nothing against that. Book some nice, romantic hotel. Like the Aman or The Prince Park Tower in Tokyo. Or the Fujiya Hotel.

 

5) Take her to a nice restaurant. Plan something special for the two of you.

Give the two of you the time to talk face to face.

 

6) Your best chance is that she didn't meet anyone else she might have taken interest into. When things turn cold, what with the distance, what with the lack of communication... that can happen. So if she's not interested in anyone specifically, this is your time to get the spark back.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[eddu]

Hi there, thank you for response.

Well yes I will explain a bit more about me .

 

 

ThinkMore

If she wants to marry me, i would marry her tommorow. Before all this happened, i had the plan to proppose her very soon. I even got the engagement rings.

 

1) I'm from Spain, living in Spain and she is in Japan. 10.000 km(6300 miles) away.

2) Of course i thought of that , and i equally was waiting for Wednesday to turn to 00:00 in her time. So i can send her a happy birthday. And yes , i also arranged something for both of us, but through skype. But depends on the time she arrives back from work.

3) No, I'm not ready to seperate from her, but i'm deeply confused, and I'm trying everything not to loose her. If she is not happy with me, I would understand it though , because i really want her fully happiness. As long as she is happy and i can be in peace. I always looked for her happines.

4) Yes, but she doesn't know if she wants me to go. :S . I would first thing 2morrow of course. But if I'm not welcomed, what can I do?:S

5) Depends on 4) if she says yes, I would do it of course. I try anything to win her back.

6) I hope so too.

 

Thank you for your advices

[justwhoiam]

Hi Eddu,

 

Just one additional consideration.

 

I think Japanese girls value a man's position a lot.

 

How old are you both? Do you have a good job/position?

 

As you mentioned the fact that you stayed together in your parents house for 3 years, I guess you might be kind of broke. Maybe that's not the case. But it's still something you need to take into account. Because as time goes by and she's getting older, she will look for more than just romance.

[eddu]

Yeah , I know.

Well i am 23 and she is 24.

She is working for Investment bank. She just started working.

 

I'm a student of IT engineering. Just have 2 years more to finish my career.

 

No, I'm not broke but neither rich. Middle class. And in Spain since the crisis, things don't go that well. Finding a job in Spain now while studying is quite hard.

[justwhoiam]

Yeah, I understand. She'd need to be patient for another 3 years, until you complete your studies and then start a career. Your future is like a blank sheet. Anything can happen. Maybe you'd be forced to move out of Spain to find a good job.

Right now it's more like a deadlock, and she might want/need something else.

[eddu]

Yeah, I understand. She'd need to be patient for another 3 years, until you complete your studies and then start a career. Your future is like a blank sheet. Anything can happen. Maybe you'd be forced to move out of Spain to find a good job.

Right now it's more like a deadlock, and she might want/need something else.

 

Yes, equally I don't see myself in Spain for the future. And after finishing surely will go somewhere else.

 

Well yeah maybe that's what happening. And well , i gave her 7 days alone to see what she really wants. If she still wants to fight for this relationship or try work things out, or go different ways.

[eddu]

Well, I need advice, help whatever... I feel like im dying , and i didin't slept good...maybe 16 hours in 8 days.

well i'm dating her for 5 years..3 togheter in my parents house , 2 in LDR. She is Japanese.

In past 2 weeks, she changed like ...more cold, less interesed in me, not caring that much about me

Though also i was busy before with univ, and before those 2 weeks, she was normal like always, yes , very busy with work, but normal.

I maybe i understand her that she is stressed with work, she started to work from 2 months ago, and its exhausting...from 6 to 9 pm as office worker for a financial banking system.

In those 5 years a lot of stuff happened, but mostly we were happy of course, and she wanted to marry me, and putted me preasure to do that. I wanted to focus first on my studies, and i said that i want to marry her afterwards.

But she just sent me message yesterday ,,I'm not sure about if i want to be with you in the future, I'm only yours, i feel love but not sure if i love you like before.

i don't know what to do..., I mean she could have told me when we were togheter 3 months ago...because it quite cruel ... We were even having plans to get married, and now this.

She says she gives me one more chance, and wants me to change, but doesn't give me more details . I have booked a flight to Japan since a month ago in 2 days, but i don't know if to go or not. She told me like 2 weeks ago to go to Japan and I'm very welcomed at her house, but now she doesn't know.

She swears to me she didin't found anybody else, and i believe her. She loves me but not like before, though she still says to me ,,I love you,, and ,,Ai ****eru,,(Japanese strong word for ,,I love you,,)

The only hope i have is that Wednesday the gift for her bday arrives, something quite unique and special , so I'm waiting for her reaction.

 

I really don't know what to do anymore , after 5 years, it would be very cruel to end this relationship like this ;(

Though if she doesn't think she wants to be with me , she should tell me in face. I really want her happiness, even though she thinks it's not with me . But hurts like hell, and i cannot even eat nor sleep.

 

UPDATE:

 

Well, she broke up with me a month ago. Apart from avoiding me a month ago before the breakup, she never told me the real reasons and just made blame on me (That she doesn't love me like before, she can't see a future with me, that i was selfish, etc) and etc. But I found out there is a 3rd person involved (Because when i always asked her that, she never gave a me a response, before she told me she wants to ,,have fun,, and that am not a priority for her). I asked for another chance like she said, and humiliated myself but the answer didint changed. And after we broke up, she said ,,In Future we will be together maybe, if that is our destiny, plus I still want to talk to you and see you sometimes, and see you next time i go to Spain..,, and quickly went NC, so i can heal myself. She keeps messaging me almost everyday , and asking me ,,How am I?, she still wants to be ,,connected,, to me.

But of course there are some things that keep tormenting me.

 

- We made a Eurotrip in April, before she went to work for a year in Japan (She wanted it badly ,,So she has good memory of ,,Me,,) now that i remember i think she had it all planned.

- She kept contact for a month like nothing happened (like we were always), until i begun to work like a freelancer, and had less time to talk to her. We talked almost everyday but less than before.

- She avoided me, my calls, never gave a explanation and for 2 weeks, ,,thinking,, of ending or not, and after that said that she still wants to be with me and give a ,,chance,,

- I wanted to go to see her for her bday, and just before i bought the tickets and had the trip planned, always said I'm more than welcomed to stay in her house. But a week before my travel she never said that ,,I'm welcomed anymore, and it shouldn't be a good idea to go there. So i missed the trip to visit her.

- For her bday, she said the same day when i send the congrats at 00.00 time and plan to have ,,Skype dinner,, that she ,,cannot wait to talk to me , and eager to see me,, but left me waiting for nothing.

- The gift for her bday and anniversary came back home to me , even though when her bday , we were still ,,officially,, together. I was very angry because she gave me the wrong address on purpose. And she had time to take it for 2 weeks, but she did not, and came back to me(Because i left the her mobile number if there was something wrong so the Transport company contacts her).

- After i went NC, from a common friend, i heard that she is backstabbing me, saying that ,, That i broke up with her,, and ,,I'm not mature enough for her,, also about me and my family. We lived together for 3 years, and she never was asked anything in return while she was doing her master degree. Saying that my family is not good (even though my family loved her), she never had to do any chores, like a princess, and neither asked for helping us out.

I really would wanted to know the truth, what happened between us, and the motives, so i can move on. But i'm just confused...and hurt a lot. I don't want to think of her , but i cannot...

I was about to propose her on the trip...

I never ranted on her though. Neither said anything bad.

 

I don't know if I ever treated her that bad to end 5 years of a relationship like this. I never treated her bad to be honest, and never cheated on her or even flirt with other girls. Did i deserved a ending like this?

 

She keeps messaging me , that she still wants to be ,,connected to me,, and that ,,why i don't reply?,,

 

I don't know if to keep NC, delete her from everything, or just explode...

I want to move on, but there is something that keeps me from it. Plus she still has some stuff remaining at my house...

What should i do? I'm sure i don't want to be with her anymore, not even as friends, maybe i sound ,mean, ... But i feel very heartbroken.

[eddu]

I just want her happiness , and wish her the best...but i cannot move on :(