Should I go back to visit after him breaking up?

[asphyxis]

Trying to cope with all levels of emotions that are either high or low right now. My long distance boyfriend called it quits on the 5th, which constitutes to the 3rd time and the 2nd REAL break up. First one was around December after a huge argument after not seeing eachother due to my new job. The 2nd was in Feb right before Valentines day because of a custody issue. This time, was over a fight over a Facebook status that I had put out in which he lashed out through texting at me accusing me of not knowing what I want, and calling me a closet lesbian which eventually lead to him saying that he was generally done in the relationship. I didn't contact him till last Sunday when I sent a long e-mail left unresponded to. So Monday night, I called him and we talked on the phone for 3 hours in which he said I needed to move on and that he was tired of being hurt of the distance, not knowing when I'll be able to move amongst other things couples bicker about. We talked briefly this past Wednesday when I told him that I'll finally be able to move in the next few months, in which he said he was genuinely happy for me. I asked if I could see him in August and he agreed to see me next month. He broke up because he said he couldn't handle the distance anymore, what took so long was my custody battle with my ex. He finally agreed to it Tuesday. Should I go? Should I try to pursue rekindling anything? I feel like I got mixed signals from him on the phone. One min he said he was completely done and a bit later he said things are uncertain. I'm trying to treat this as a real break up. He wants to be friends so he says if possible and dropped hints that he was checking out my Facebook even though we aren't mutual friends anymore. It's hard to give up because we were so happy when we were physically together, which was about every other month. We shared similar life long goals, talked about a family and being together, etc. You get the idea. Looking for guidance and support and clarity. I don't have anyone to lean on.

[TMichaels]

No, I wouldn't go.

 

He probably thought you'd never be in a position to move, so that was a safe excuse for him to cite as the reason for breaking up. If that's no longer an issue, I have a feeling it'll be something else. He just hasn't had time to think it up.

 

As an aside, why is it YOU that had to be the one to move? Doesn't sound like he's putting much effort into this relationship at all.

 

If things are really as great for him when you're together as you say they are for you, then he'd be doing his share, including giving you more than a lukewarm reception when you told him the one thing that was the bane of both of your existences was no longer an issue.

 

I wouldn't put any of my eggs in his basket and instead I would look at this way... Your "relationship" with him motivated you to work on being able to move. Now you can -- FOR THE RIGHT REASON and THE RIGHT GUY.

 

Anyone who breaks up with you three times in less with a year, calls you a "closet lesbian" (whatever that is), gets his knickers in a twist over a Facebook post like a silly teenager, and with whom you bicker with all the time, isn't it.

 

He's certainly not boyfriend material, and as they say, "with friends like that, who needs enemies?" Block the idiot, realize he did you a second favor by showing you his true colors, and get on with your life.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited July 16, 2016 by TMichaels

[asphyxis]

I think you're right on him not expecting me to be able to move. When I told him the news, he was in disbelief, as I was too. I still am, that after such a long struggle, I'm able to move out of state, and have a real custody agreement. Aside from the move actually being able to happen, his reasons were that I had always discussed leaving, and that it was much more difficult to find a job and relocate than it would be for me. He said he was happy working for his company, and didn't want to leave. I accepted it, and so we kept trying to plan our closing date. I do know, he began to get frustrated with it being pushed further back, and I had some set backs but I was always honest. We went from texting all the time, to hardly, and that was partly on my fault as well. The stress between my job and personal home life had me mentally and emotionally exhausted. He did tell me he felt like he was putting the only effort in the relationship to make things work, he visited me more often than I came to see him, although whenever I told him otherwise, he said he liked to drive and that it was ok or that it was what he had to do for our relationship to work out. When I told him Wednesday that I could move, he made it seem like I was bluffing, and maybe so because I had called him the night before crying and wanting to "sort things out" because I was hurt and drunk. It didn't help at all, and has made me feel confused. He said" So you would be willing to move even though things are uncertain?" And I said "Yes". Maybe he's scared because of the dynamics of our relationship and how they always have been? He said that there were things he felt I did spitefully, like flaunt my attraction towards women which is what promoted the "closet lesbian" remark. I told him he was ridiculous, and he further went on into detail about it. I just really feel like he put all the blame of the relationship on me because of my set backs, even though I was totally honest with him.

[TMichaels]

I just really feel like he put all the blame of the relationship on me because of my set backs, even though I was totally honest with him.

 

Putting all the blame on someone else is one of the best way to get the blame-e to shut and put up. It also allows the blame-r to get off Scot-free for his/her bad behavior.

 

It takes two to tango, and when the going gets rough if this guy's way of dealing with things is to be petulant and point the finger at everyone else so he can elevate himself, that doesn't bode well for a healthy and long-running relationship.

 

As I told you before, I think you should be grateful he's shown you his true colors before you made the much larger mistake of moving to his town and/or in with him. Given how he's behaved, I certainly wouldn't be putting my life in his hands. You were honest with him, now be honest with yourself. You deserve better. Work on that, and not him.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[basil67]

You say that things work well when you're together. Have you ever spent any extended period living near each other - long enough to really put it to the test? Eg; longer than six months?

[Gr8fuln2020]

You say that things work well when you're together. Have you ever spent any extended period living near each other - long enough to really put it to the test? Eg; longer than six months?

 

Good GOD yes! You need to spend actual, extended time together to really know how compatible you are!

[Lois_Griffin]

Did you fight for custody because your ex is a legitimate UNFIT parent, or because you think it's fair to pick your kid up, separate him from his father, and move to another state to be with some jerk who called you a closet lesbian and ignored your messages to him?

 

At first, I thought you were a couple of high school kids, fighting about a childish Facebook status. You expect that type of silly drama out of dumb ass teenagers, not grown adults. If THIS is the type of supposed 'adult' you want to move your kid out of state and away from his/her father for, I'd seriously reconsider THAT decision.

[elaine567]

As you are in custody battle with your ex I presume you have a child/children.

Think very carefully before you consider uprooting them over a rocky LDR and the best he can come up with is that " things are uncertain".

 

The fact he wants to just be friends is telling and I guess that reading between the lines here, ending things is where his head is really at, he just didn't want to say it to you directly, as obviously that is not what you want to hear.

Edited July 17, 2016 by elaine567
typo

[asphyxis]

Putting all the blame on someone else is one of the best way to get the blame-e to shut and put up. It also allows the blame-r to get off Scot-free for his/her bad behavior.

 

It takes two to tango, and when the going gets rough if this guy's way of dealing with things is to be petulant and point the finger at everyone else so he can elevate himself, that doesn't bode well for a healthy and long-running relationship.

 

As I told you before, I think you should be grateful he's shown you his true colors before you made the much larger mistake of moving to his town and/or in with him. Given how he's behaved, I certainly wouldn't be putting my life in his hands. You were honest with him, now be honest with yourself. You deserve better. Work on that, and not him.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

He did ask a lot about what was going on constantly, and I felt like our relationship had meshed into my previous relationship with constantly filling him in with what was going on. Not that it's considered a bad thing to be upfront, but the stress from what I was dealing with, he wanted to know. It was like he was only happy to know about all the bad stuff that was involved, and he wanted me to be much more harsh and critical than I could have for the time being. I agree, that things became difficult and too hard for him to handle.

 

 

You say that things work well when you're together. Have you ever spent any extended period living near each other - long enough to really put it to the test? Eg; longer than six months?

 

No, I was never in a position to be able to move until literally just a few days ago. Just every other month weekend or week long visits.

 

 

Did you fight for custody because your ex is a legitimate UNFIT parent, or because you think it's fair to pick your kid up, separate him from his father, and move to another state to be with some jerk who called you a closet lesbian and ignored your messages to him?

 

At first, I thought you were a couple of high school kids, fighting about a childish Facebook status. You expect that type of silly drama out of dumb ass teenagers, not grown adults. If THIS is the type of supposed 'adult' you want to move your kid out of state and away from his/her father for, I'd seriously reconsider THAT decision.

 

No, I didn't plan custody arrangements because of this LDR. This was already happening prior to my relationship to move out of state. That's why he said he changed his mind about relocating to me with other reasons because I had already made it clear from the get-go that I was planning to move prior to our relationship.

 

For some reason, he always felt insecure whenever I talked about my sexuality, especially when it came to other women. He said that I would either directly or indirectly make disrespectful status updates that would hurt him, or piss him off. Whenever I tried to get clarity or constantly reaffirm that our relationship was what I wanted and that if I didn't want to be there, then I wouldn't, he would say he felt confused then. So that's how the fight went down leading up to his final text saying that he was done, which a few days later prompted me to call him because he said that he thought breaking up over a text was childish and stupid.

 

 

As you are in custody battle with your ex I presume you have a child/children.

Think very carefully before you consider uprooting them over a rocky LDR and the best he can come up with is that " things are uncertain".

 

The fact he wants to just be friends is telling and I guess that reading between the lines here, ending things is where his head is really at, he just didn't want to say it to you directly, as obviously that is not what you want to hear.

 

We had cried it out in February when he stated that he had been thinking into it and that with all the uncertainty that he felt that breaking up was best, because closing the gap was such a heavy weight on him. I remember thinking back to that conversation and in April when he made specific remarks, and even now thinking about, should have been a clear sign that that he was wanting out, but kept in it for whatever reason.

 

 

 

 

I'm not uprooting and moving there because now I can, I just stated that I could move. This was my first ever LDR. We live roughly 10hrs driving distance apart. I do see my faults that I had made in the relationship out of feeling backed into a corner sometimes. I'm human and we all make mistakes. Cheating was never an issue on my behalf, and I'd like to think it wasn't either. We had wonderful sexual chemistry, given the challenges outside of distance. I removed him from my Facebook because it was too difficult for me to begin to heal, which is how the comment about him wanting to be friends and him leaving me on there. There's a bunch of what ifs and scenarios that have played through my head for a while now, especially the past 6 months. I know he did a lot for me, and I think that his demands with wanting me to uproot so quickly without any certainty was a bit irrational. Maybe he felt that I wasn't doing enough action and just a lot of talking? I don't know, which is why I seeked out others opinions. I have truly felt a sense of loss. Not having a closing date was the first anchor aside from everything else that happened.