Boyfriend 4,000kms away in W.A

[Trebor2]

My boyfriend has gone away to visit family and friends in W.A. His brother terminally ill. Been gone 3mths and we talk once a day. I recently visited him and he told ne tgat he cant talk everyday anymore. He isnt a great talker and says it is too hard for him. Wants to talk twice weekly. I think this is unfair especially since he isnt one to text eitger. I want to hear from him . He says nothingcwill cgange between us we love one another but I feel lack of communication will destroy us. I have missed not talking to him so much but he wont budge on it. Am I unreasonable in thinking that two people in love should look forward to talk daily. So upset about it.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Trebor,

 

Welcome to LS.

 

When would he come back? Or is it likely he will stay there?

 

Also, what was he doing before moving back to his family? No job? No school?

 

I'm assuming he found a job where he's at now. Or what's the deal?

 

Anyway, given his brother is terminally ill, don't be a pain in his neck. Go there when you can and support him.

[Emilia]

I think sick brother isn't really an excuse. People have families, get married, have kids etc while they have terminally ill relatives. You can't put your life on hold.

 

What's his plan? What is expected for his brother? Will he be away for month? For years?

[Trebor2]

Boyfriend gone 4,000kms away to W.A. No he has a heart problem and back injury from being a brickie. He is oon a disability pension and lives in his campervan. He will come back but no definate time mentioned. His brother is in a hospice and very low weight from emphaseumia. The problem though is the fact he TOLD ME TALKING EACH DAY ON THE PHONE IS TOO MUCH FOR HIM. He isnt a real talkative one on a phone but is better facee to face. I was devastated that he only wants to talk to one another twice a week Monday and Thursday. The phone call cost isnt a issue as we have $1700 free calls a month on our plan each. He isnt a texter so I have only been hearing from him twice a week which is breaking my heart as his call was the highlight of my day. Set time to ring and so looking forward to hearing his voice. My question is do you think he is being unfair and silly in thinking our LDR will be fine with such little communication. Eagerly await others opinion. We have been an item 18 months.

[Emilia]

Do you think maybe he is slowly trying to break up with you? He isn't giving you a return date and he is cutting communication.

[Trebor2]

My gut feeling is he is trying to GET ME to be the one to break up. I know I have felt like that over other things but he always says No Its not like that at all. He is really difficult to understand what he wants. I love him so much but he says I am smothering him . I wish I felt smothered with attention and love from him. All I want is to be able to talk to him when I want to 20 minutes a day out of his time to keep me happy and included in one anothers life isnt difficult. I just want him to realise just how much talking to him means to me. He is a bit of a drinker and most times when we talk of a night he has had a few wines. He just prefers to drink of a night instead of talking to me I think. I want him to be honest with me . If he doesnt want me around anymore I want him to tell me nomatter how upset I would be. I need a loving man in my life that looks forward to talkibg with me and being with me. I am happy to visit him every 3 mths in W.A until he returns but he may never return grandchildren and family all there. I dont know. We both suffer from depression on medication. His casual attitude is breaking my heart . I have tears appear daily at any time and I get upset hearing or seeing others in love and happy. What will I do?

[TMichaels]

My gut feeling is he is trying to GET ME to be the one to break up.

 

Sorry, I don't buy that. You're just grasping at straws in an effort to justify hanging on to the relationship.

 

I know I have felt like that over other things but he always says No Its not like that at all. He is really difficult to understand what he wants.

 

Why are you so desperate that you are willing to twist yourself in knots so HE's happy? That strategy's not working real well is it? So why do it?

 

I love him so much but he says I am smothering him . I wish I felt smothered with attention and love from him.

 

Bingo. You're so desperate for his affection and attention that you somehow think suffocating him will magically teach or guilt him into doing the same. Again, how is that working for you?

 

All I want is to be able to talk to him when I want to 20 minutes a day out of his time to keep me happy and included in one anothers life isnt difficult. I just want him to realise just how much talking to him means to me.

 

NEWS FLASH: You CAN'T MAKE anyone else feel or do anything. Either they do and they will, or they won't. Bashing your head against the wall and rubbing his nose in it will get you no where which you've already seen and know. If you don't, it should be abundantly clear now, based on his behavior toward you.

 

He is a bit of a drinker and most times when we talk of a night he has had a few wines. He just prefers to drink of a night instead of talking to me I think.

 

Sounds like a real catch. Tell me again why it is you're willing to settle for crumbs and can't do better?

 

I want him to be honest with me . If he doesnt want me around anymore I want him to tell me nomatter how upset I would be.

 

You say that, but I have a feeling you want to talk so that you can try and make him see things your way and start acting the way you want. Waste of time.

 

I need a loving man in my life that looks forward to talkibg with me and being with me.

 

If that's the case, he ain't your man. Clearly, he's not giving you what you need and no matter how much you complain or try to guilt him into submission. It isn't working. Do you enjoy being miserable or do you just believe you don't deserve anything better?

 

I am happy to visit him every 3 mths in W.A until he returns but he may never return grandchildren and family all there. I dont know.

 

Again, why are you so willing to bend over backwards for someone who can't be arsed to give you the time of day? Makes no sense and makes you look pathetic.

 

We both suffer from depression on medication. His casual attitude is breaking my heart . I have tears appear daily at any time and I get upset hearing or seeing others in love and happy. What will I do?

 

Who knows what you'll do, however what you should do is to make an appointment with your counselor and get help in not only sorting through your current relationship, why you got yourself into it and how to grow from the experience, but also whether your current medication/dosage is working for you.

 

It's not healthy to go on as you are now and you need to get clarity with the assistance of a qualified professional not a bunch of strangers on an Internet discussion forum who can't resolve your issues. If your so-called boyfriend has his own problems with depression -- they're his, not yours. Get yourself sorted out first, and the rest of it will fall into place.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Trebor2]

Thank you every one for your advice. I have only came back from visiting him a week ago for 10 days and it was a wonderful visit. I talked to him tonight and he said it was nothing personal about not talking everyday. It is just him he isnt into talking with anyone everyday . His last girlfriend he only spoke to her onde a week when they were away from each other. He just physically finds it difficult to chat all the time. HE SAID HE DEFINATELY DOESNT WANT TO BREAK UP at all. Will see how it goes for a while. He was very supportive and chatty tonight. I am not desperate for his love at all. I just dont want to be lead on. He is very intelligent travelled the world and we have so much in common . His values and family are very important to him. He says our love is important to him and he did introduce me to his brother and his daughter and her family whilst recently visiting and they all liked me he said and I could tell they did also. I got on very well with his grandchildren 4 and 11 too. Saw them 3 times and took them to the beach and park He treated me very well when I visited taking me to many places to visit around his home town even showed me home he grew up in and where the holiday home had been when he was a kid. All special things. I do agree I need to get my medication checked out as I am not coping really well and reading more into stuff . Thank you everyone for your advice I told him I posted on this site and some of the answers.