Heartbroken that he doesn't want a LDR

[maybewhatever]

So, this is a very long story that takes place over a short amount of time but one I am struggling with and trying everything to heal from.

I live in NY and in January, I met a wonderful Danish guy. I was very skeptical at first because he was from Denmark and it didn't seem clear to me and to even him if he was living here permanently. I took my time with him and didn't do more than kiss him the four times we went out - I really wanted to see where things were going and something in my gut told me to just take things really slow. He was doing everything right - contacting me within an hour of everytime we met telling me he had such a wonderful time and making plans to see me again, texting me during the day, etc. Lo and behold, two weeks after we met, he sent me a text that he had a business opportunity for a partnership in a startup and would be leaving back to Denmark the NEXT DAY. He said he really wanted to see me before he left and we ended up meeting for a drink close to where I live and then he went and picked up his bags and headed to the airport. I was bummed but I was glad I had trusted my gut to not sleep with him or anything. He told me he would come back to NY in 2-3 weeks...

 

But then something surprising happened. We started texting everyday when he got home. Long texts, getting to know each other, reading books together and sharing photos of our life and just generally chatting about ourselves. After about one month of this (obviously he did not come back in 2-3 weeks), I asked him flat out if he could come back and he said he couldn't, he was too busy with the new business partnership and trying to negotiate the terms but that he wanted to in the spring. Four days later ( we are still texting every day) he tells me he has bought a ticket back to NY and is looking forward to seeing me. So i took a HUGE leap and asked him to stay with me. At this point, I do not think this guy is a psycho and he certainly can afford to pay for his own place to stay here in an airbnb which it seemed like he was planning on doing. But after a lot of talk about what we were both feeling for each other, he accepted. I was SO excited but also nervous. I mean, seriously, this could go very wrong - or very right.

 

But I never ever thought it could be as right as it was. It was simply amazing. We turned out to be incredibly compatible, giving each other the right kind of space while we both worked, (I also have my own business here and he had been helping me a ton and giving me an crazy amount of advice).

spending our evenings together, and totally compatible in bed, he took care of my dogs and cleaned my apartment, bought me gifts and wouldn't let me pay for anything. About a week into his stay (he was here for two weeks - yeah, that's a lot of time for a visit and I was a little surprised) he had a small breakdown where he said he was afraid of the day he would leave and that he was scared of what the distance would do. I SHOULD have asked him more about this, what it meant to him and why he was scared. But I was also really freaked out myself because TBH I was overwhelmed by my feelings and the closeness of this person so suddenly in my life. I mean, I couldn't see straight I was so overwhelmed by emotion and dealing with his emotions. We decided not to talk about where things were going for a few more days until the day he left came and we realized we hadn't decided on anything. So we are sitting in my apartment the day he plane leaves and he says, "I don't know what we can do, I think we should just plan on seeing each other when we can see each other and I don't have any idea when I can come back to NY." Things we really heating up with the startup he was involved in but their funding had fallen through and he had no idea what would happen. If the business went bust he would just come back to NY, he said. He also said he planned to move here but didn't see how it would be possible until early 2017. I just sort of numbly sat there and agreed with him aware of the ticking clock and the time his plane left. It all seemed sort of vague and open ended, which is something I don't do well with.

 

So he get back to Copenhagen and we go back to texting and sharing photos daily. He checks in on me a lot and asks if I am okay, aware that him not being there is likely harder for me since he was in my home for a full two weeks and now he's back in his life in DK that has nothing to do with me. But he's still telling me he misses me and how hard it was to let go of me. We start skyping but over the next few weeks, I sense things are changing. His tone changes with me, he is not as warm and I almost feel like I am suddenly more like a friend instead of the woman he said he could see himself having a future with and also a child and happy life. He also said several times when he was here that he couldn't believe how good we were together. Words, words, words....

So this keeps going on for a few more weeks and I can feel him drifting away from me through the pixels, texts, photos, etc. I finally confronted him about it and he tells me that he has been feeling for a few weeks that a LDR wouldn't work for him and he was nervous to tell me. He said, "I can't even come over and say hi to you. I can't do anything." His plans to move are basically non-existent now because of his business and he also said he had one LDR prior and that it nearly destroyed him and he can't go through it again. Then he said that he wants to think of me as his really good friend and that he likes me a lot and has feelings for me and doesn't want to destroy that by keeping up expectations that are unfair to both of us where we will just wind up getting mad at each other (WTF, I am NOT this other person, the ex GF from 3 years ago.) He says he has no idea what will happen in life and neither do I but he says he knows if we lived in the same place, that we would be together. Then, to cap it off, he says, "The next time I am in NYC, maybe we can go out for a drink." A drink? After all this, "maybe we can meet for a drink?" I kept my cool during the skype call and only said one word replies like "okay, fine, alright" I couldn't even speak in full sentences for fear of breaking down crying. I wanted to get off the call ASAP which I did. To be fair he looked very upset during this talk. Anyway, it has been two weeks and we have not been in touch once. I am really hurting and wondering WHY he even came here in the first place if he knew a LDR wouldn't work for him. Did he just get swept up in the fantasy and his emotions? Does he not care for me at all? I haven't had one urge to contact him and actually would be hurt to hear from him - I feel like I need my space to get over this overwhelming emotional roller coaster.

 

I also need to mention that while I have a small business that is really growing fast, I am in no way in any financial position to travel and my life completely revolves around my work. The fact that I had met someone who so got that and was SO supportive of me, so incredibly believing in my brand and my products made me feel understood was huge for me . I simply cannot believe that we are not speaking. What I need to know is, how do I move on from here? What do I believe? Is the ball in my court to contact him in the future? Two weeks in and my days are a haze of work and emotions that fly all over the place. When I woke up this morning, i was fine but by 3 pm I was CRYING in public and pretending I had allergies!! Help!!! EDIT: I just re-read what I have written and I realize how insane all this sounds. Two weeks together and we were talking about a future? Yes, if you're feeling it, those types of talks CAN happen. But the more I look back on things, I see how he says things that he actually wants to happen in the moment, but cannot follow through with. IE, coming back in 2-3 weeks, moving to NYC in a year and us traveling together over the summer...Ugh, I followed my heart after being cautious with it and look where it got me....

Edited May 23, 2016 by maybewhatever

[fands]

and he also said he had one LDR prior and that it nearly destroyed him and he can't go through it again.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think he was really attracted to you, and primarily wanted to get in your pants.

I have a small business that is really growing fast,

Congratulations to you! I certainly envy your position. Of course, it's going to be a ton of hard work, but at least this will keep you busy. Times like this it's hard to stay focussed.

 

I am really sorry that you have lost what you felt to be an amazing connection. He may come flooding back into your life, or he may not. The question is: do you want him to come flooding back into your life? He's hot and he's cold...I think there's a song about him out there somewhere...

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he actually did/does like you, but has to be realistic that a relationship isn't going to work.

 

You're on different continents with no concrete plans to make a move in either direction. You both have commitments that will keep you in your respective countries. He knows it's not fair to keep this up, to himself or to you. As you say, he talks the talk but knows he cannot actually live up to those dreams. I get the impression it's not easy for him either, but many people cannot do long-distance. (I am one of them, too) There isn't much of a foundation to build on here, in the sense that you didn't really know each other before he had to leave. It's very difficult to sustain that over such a vast distance, particularly if he's the kind of person who needs a lot of physical, one-on-one time. A LDR cannot provide that.

 

Sadly, I would chalk this up to a fond memory of a fling. I don't think he wanted to lead you on, hence why he's telling you now that it's not going to work out.