Does this even make sense?

[lazcas]

I've known someone online for almost one year, we connected in several ways and have been interacting for all this time. We got fully into the virtual romance talking about love even when we have never been in front of each other in person.

Since some months ago he started telling me how I could find a good job in the city he lives in and that it would be convenient for me to move there. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea to do that without seeing each other first in person. He says it would be good for me to move there but not to be with him but because of the job I could get. Has said too that once I am there we could get to know each other and then decide about the relationship based on how things go when being together in person.

 

In my opinion this sounds crazy, I feel he is asking me to leave my whole life for nothing. Isn't the best first to see each other first and see how it goes and then go from there?. Isn't is selfish that he expects me to move only to see "if" something else happens between us?

 

I would appreciate your opinions about this.

[Satu]

You are absolutely right.

 

It's a crazy idea!

[justwhoiam]

We got fully into the virtual romance talking about love even when we have never been in front of each other in person.

It's easy to get carried away... but experience taught me that it's not worth it. So try to keep things under control, while his feelings grow, until you meet him (if ever).

 

He says it would be good for me to move there but not to be with him but because of the job I could get. Has said too that once I am there we could get to know each other and then decide about the relationship based on how things go when being together in person.

BS. We all risk something. He's not putting anything out there. Not even effort. What's his excuse? Obviously, he knows too well he doesn't want anything binding or promises with someone he barely knows in the end, but most of all that he's never even met. This makes me think he's not new to such dynamics and probably some other "chance" ended up in nothing for him. I suggest you see each other on cam and exchange pictures. Try to know what he wants and if it meets your goals and expectations. If so, then let him know clearly that you'll consider a romantic relationship with him or anything coming from it only if he shows he's ready to go to extra mile for you. Personally, I wouldn't be able to be with someone knowing beforehand that he's not ready to go out of his way for me. I need to see enthusiasm, will, some kind of energy/spark. Even if nothing happens when you meet (like you don't click), there was at least the idea of it. Otherwise, it'd feel like I'm more interested than he actually is, which is a bad start.

 

Isn't the best first to see each other first and see how it goes and then go from there?

Yes, if he were a gentleman, he'd be coming to you.

[Tayla]

two separate issues:

 

1: He made a suggestion and you retorted with why its not feasible at this time.

fair enough on both your parts.

 

2: Meeting one another has yet to be established by either one of you.

 

So given those two concerns, which do you think makes sense to pursue first?

[lazcas]

Thank you all for taking the time to provide your opinions. I appreciate it.

 

I would like to add some information:

 

* He and I have seen each other's pics and on webcam.

 

* I told him since some months ago that I wanted to do things right and that we had to see each other in person first than anything else. I told him too that one couldn't talk about stuff like what he was telling me about (moving to a new city and all that BIG stuff) online and/or with someone we had never seen in person. He said he agreed and that he would come to visit me and then he mentioned a specific date in March to come to visit me, even checked ticket's prices and schedules, after a couple of weeks he stopped mentioning the visit and it never happened. Later on he said things came up that stopped him from doing it. After that he mentioned another specific date in April to come to visit me and the same thing happened as with the first one, he never did it, this time didn't even explain why.

 

 

*He has a "special" situation with a woman that used to be his girlfriend. She got pregnant and now they have a two year old daughter and he spends the whole saturday and sunday at her house to be with the little girl, his ex gf doesn't allow him to take the girl to his house to take her out alone. The ex gf works the whole week and he says that she told him that she wants to be with her daughter too and that he cannot take her with him any day so he has to be in her house the whole weekend. I told him that no woman would want to enter a relationship with him while he has this weird situation with his ex and he said "the fact that you don't accept the situation doesn't mean another woman wouldn't accept it".

 

 

As you see the situation is even more twisted than it appeared to be.

[kidm]

Thank you all for taking the time to provide your opinions. I appreciate it.

 

I would like to add some information:

 

* He and I have seen each other's pics and on webcam.

 

* I told him since some months ago that I wanted to do things right and that we had to see each other in person first than anything else. I told him too that one couldn't talk about stuff like what he was telling me about (moving to a new city and all that BIG stuff) online and/or with someone we had never seen in person. He said he agreed and that he would come to visit me and then he mentioned a specific date in March to come to visit me, even checked ticket's prices and schedules, after a couple of weeks he stopped mentioning the visit and it never happened. Later on he said things came up that stopped him from doing it. After that he mentioned another specific date in April to come to visit me and the same thing happened as with the first one, he never did it, this time didn't even explain why.

 

 

*He has a "special" situation with a woman that used to be his girlfriend. She got pregnant and now they have a two year old daughter and he spends the whole saturday and sunday at her house to be with the little girl, his ex gf doesn't allow him to take the girl to his house to take her out alone. The ex gf works the whole week and he says that she told him that she wants to be with her daughter too and that he cannot take her with him any day so he has to be in her house the whole weekend. I told him that no woman would want to enter a relationship with him while he has this weird situation with his ex and he said "the fact that you don't accept the situation doesn't mean another woman wouldn't accept it".

 

 

As you see the situation is even more twisted than it appeared to be.

 

Why would you want to involve yourself in this? He's balked at visiting twice- doesn't sound like he wants to put in much effort to see if there is something real/tangible there between the two of you. I'd move on. I think you're wasting your time. Seeing each other's pics and chatting on webcam means nothing. For him to even tell you to uproot your life for something as fickle as an online situation where you have never met is a huge red flag. It's crazy talk!

 

Long distance relationships hardly work but for them to work, it requires sacrifice from both parties to meet and try to build something concrete before any talk of moving comes into play. I have a girl friend who met a guy who lived in Australia online and he traveled all the way to meet her-that's what someone who is truly interested does. They went back and forth traveling to visit each other, etc. Not only does it require two people with strong emotional bond and dedication but it also requires a financial investment. He moved to be with her after a year (found a employment in the U.S. and company sponsored his H-1B visa) and they are now married. Your guy wants to put in no effort but wants you to make the leap of faith. No sane person would do that!!!

[Tayla]

Hmmm....so his commitment to a child is twisted? How so?

 

I agree with this gent, he has his priority straight. Family first.

 

Maybe since you are single and have yet to experience single parenting or parenting in general, it may be best for you to find someone more suitable to your current agenda.

 

On your part I do agree that him changing dates to meet is creating a wedge.

[lazcas]

Hmmm....so his commitment to a child is twisted? How so?

 

I agree with this gent, he has his priority straight. Family first.

 

Maybe since you are single and have yet to experience single parenting or parenting in general, it may be best for you to find someone more suitable to your current agenda.

 

On your part I do agree that him changing dates to meet is creating a wedge.

 

 

No, commitment to a child is not twisted at all. In fact that is something I find very good about him that he wants the best for his daughter and he tries to be a good parent. What I find twisted is that he and his ex have to be together the whole weekend and he helps her in everything like when her car breaks or repairs things at her house. She is overweight and he even was telling her to lose weight. It seems that there are things between them are still not solved totally. They both have to be there for the little girl , that's how it has to be, each one of them have to have their time for their daughter. The situation like it is currently with the ex not allowing him to have the girl ever if she is not there doesn't seem healthy, that is all. I only know what he told me about it, for sure there is more to it, there must be reasons why the the woman doesn't want him to have the girl if she is not with them but after all what matters in this situation is what they want, it is not something that is or will ever be part of my life. For me the weird situation (being always with his ex) was one more red flag only. They see each other during the week too, not only on the weekend. This being a red flag has nothing to do with the child, only with the situation, usually separated couples have time with their kids for each one of them. If a man has to spend all of his weekends with his ex for any reason he shouldn't expect another woman to enter that situation.

Edited April 28, 2016 by lazcas

[Tayla]

ahh those details help shed more light.

 

I respect your concern.

 

"HE" needs to make some healthy changes then. Legally he needs to set up a co parenting schedule. And NO she doesn't get to call the shots. The courts will determine that.

 

Direct him to go that route. He is certainly an involved father, yet his duties end with the child and do not extend to the other parent.

 

I question this mans ability to go the legal route and wonder what he is benefiting from not doing such?

[justwhoiam]

Honestly? He's feeding you a bunch of crap.............. that I can smell thousands of miles away.

 

One word for you: run.

 

Don't entertain him, because that's basically what you're doing.

[lazcas]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read tbis thread and reply.

 

For different reasons besides the ones I mentioned in my other posts I've known for a while that things won't go anywhere with that guy. He always goes back to the option of me moving to his city and then see where things go. One day he told me "it doesn''t necessarily have to be anything", meaning that if I moved to his city and we didn't end up being able to build a relationship that was ok and that he would still be there for me to help me to get used to living in a big city. He has social anxiety and told me that in order to be able to even hug me that would take a while, that I would have to be very patient as we would have to approach that very very slowly. The same would be with sex, it would have to happen slowly if it ever happened (he mentioned the possibility of it never happening).

Yesterday his ex went out for the day with her mother who is visiting her and her daughter. My online guy was very angry because they went out and he wasn't going to be able to go to visit the girl. I got the impression he would have wanted to go with them. His ex lost her father at the beginning of this year, her mother lives in a different state and is visiting her now. I find very understandable that she wants to take her mom to places since they don't live in the same city and the mother is going through a difficult time.

I have thought about the whole situation over and over and always reach the same conclusion that it wouldn't be a good idea for me to go for it, that it could end un breaking me in more than one way.

 

I told him today that I wont go the extra mile for someone who wouldnt do the same for me and that it made me see that we wouldnt even get to see each other. I feel he expects me to do all the effort. I told him too that the way he acted because his ex went out wasnt healthy or normal. He got really mad at me and said that I don't care about him.

 

Please let me know your thoughts.

Edited May 15, 2016 by lazcas

[basil67]

My thoughts? I don't know why you've wasted a year on a long distance flake who can't even set up court ordered visitation with his child. I suggest you forget him and find a local guy who you can have a real relationship with.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you all for taking the time to provide your opinions. I appreciate it.

 

I would like to add some information:

 

* He and I have seen each other's pics and on webcam.

 

* I told him since some months ago that I wanted to do things right and that we had to see each other in person first than anything else. I told him too that one couldn't talk about stuff like what he was telling me about (moving to a new city and all that BIG stuff) online and/or with someone we had never seen in person. He said he agreed and that he would come to visit me and then he mentioned a specific date in March to come to visit me, even checked ticket's prices and schedules, after a couple of weeks he stopped mentioning the visit and it never happened. Later on he said things came up that stopped him from doing it. After that he mentioned another specific date in April to come to visit me and the same thing happened as with the first one, he never did it, this time didn't even explain why.

 

 

*He has a "special" situation with a woman that used to be his girlfriend. She got pregnant and now they have a two year old daughter and he spends the whole saturday and sunday at her house to be with the little girl, his ex gf doesn't allow him to take the girl to his house to take her out alone. The ex gf works the whole week and he says that she told him that she wants to be with her daughter too and that he cannot take her with him any day so he has to be in her house the whole weekend. I told him that no woman would want to enter a relationship with him while he has this weird situation with his ex and he said "the fact that you don't accept the situation doesn't mean another woman wouldn't accept it".

 

As you see the situation is even more twisted than it appeared to be.

 

RED ALERT: HELL NO.

 

No way.

 

So he spends "weekends" with the ex and wants you to move there and hang off of his schedule.

 

I think his ex isn't his ex. I think he's messing with you.

And that's the BEST CASE scenario.

[dreamingoftigers]

no, commitment to a child is not twisted at all. In fact that is something i find very good about him that he wants the best for his daughter and he tries to be a good parent. what i find twisted is that he and his ex have to be together the whole weekend and he helps her in everything like when her car breaks or repairs things at her house. She is overweight and he even was telling her to lose weight. it seems that there are things between them are still not solved totally. they both have to be there for the little girl , that's how it has to be, each one of them have to have their time for their daughter. The situation like it is currently with the ex not allowing him to have the girl ever if she is not there doesn't seem healthy, that is all. I only know what he told me about it, for sure there is more to it, there must be reasons why the the woman doesn't want him to have the girl if she is not with them but after all what matters in this situation is what they want, it is not something that is or will ever be part of my life. For me the weird situation (being always with his ex) was one more red flag only. they see each other during the week too, not only on the weekend. This being a red flag has nothing to do with the child, only with the situation, usually separated couples have time with their kids for each one of them. If a man has to spend all of his weekends with his ex for any reason he shouldn't expect another woman to enter that situation.

 

red alert: Bail, bail bail

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read tbis thread and reply.

 

For different reasons besides the ones I mentioned in my other posts I've known for a while that things won't go anywhere with that guy. He always goes back to the option of me moving to his city and then see where things go. One day he told me "it doesn''t necessarily have to be anything", meaning that if I moved to his city and we didn't end up being able to build a relationship that was ok and that he would still be there for me to help me to get used to living in a big city. He has social anxiety and told me that in order to be able to even hug me that would take a while, that I would have to be very patient as we would have to approach that very very slowly. The same would be with sex, it would have to happen slowly if it ever happened (he mentioned the possibility of it never happening).

Yesterday his ex went out for the day with her mother who is visiting her and her daughter. My online guy was very angry because they went out and he wasn't going to be able to go to visit the girl. I got the impression he would have wanted to go with them. His ex lost her father at the beginning of this year, her mother lives in a different state and is visiting her now. I find very understandable that she wants to take her mom to places since they don't live in the same city and the mother is going through a difficult time.

I have thought about the whole situation over and over and always reach the same conclusion that it wouldn't be a good idea for me to go for it, that it could end un breaking me in more than one way.

 

I told him today that I wont go the extra mile for someone who wouldnt do the same for me and that it made me see that we wouldnt even get to see each other. I feel he expects me to do all the effort. I told him too that the way he acted because his ex went out wasnt healthy or normal. He got really mad at me and said that I don't care about him.

 

Please let me know your thoughts.

 

The bolded is pure manipulation.

[justwhoiam]

Please let me know your thoughts.

See post #10 in this thread, line two: run!

[spiderowl]

It sounds to me as if he is still emotionally involved with his ex. She probably ended the relationship and he is just hanging around hoping she'll change her mind one day. Meanwhile, because she has 'finished' with him, he knows he'd need to look elsewhere for a relationship. However, emotionally he's still tied to her. It sounds like he likes you but because of the emotional and physical ties with his ex (and their child), he's not going to be moving out of his comfort zone to do anything about it.

 

If you went there, you'd end up with a job in a place you weren't very familiar with. He may become more involved with you or he may not. Either way, I could imagine it being very difficult for you sharing him with his ex and daughter. It doesn't sound like he could be very supportive to you actually.

[lazcas]

I have thought of all the things everyone told me, it is silly but I needed to hear/read it from others too and this isn't something I can talk about with anyone I know. The situation with that guy won't go anywhere and I will work on moving on.

Thank you all for your replies

[lazcas]

The situation I described in this post stil lasted a few months more. Around the end of May (or beginning of June, I don't remember exactly) he got tickets to come to visit me, it was an offer that he found and the tickets were to travel in the middle of August, more than two months after he bought them. Shortly after he got the tickets his ex was robbed outside of a store and she was stressed and nervous, so he took her and their little girl to sleep with him, they both slept in his room with him there. When that happened he disappeared and didn't contact me at all, I didn't find out about it until later on, the next day. We had a problem that time because he didn't understand why i found it weird that they all slept together, I understand the ex was stressed and he had to help her, but he could have left his room for her and the kid, he didn't have to sleep with them. He was stressed because of this problem the ex had and he took it out on me, for days after it happened I had to walk on egg shells when telling him anything because anything I said could lead to have him lecturing me in a kind of ugly way that made me feel really bad.

 

After this event his mother got seriously ill, she was in the hospital, this added more stress into his life and he lectured me a lot of times because of anything I said that didn't feel good to him even if his perception was not accurate about what I meant with what I had said, even jokes I made provoked him to lecture me. A little by a little I felt less and less comfortable talking to him, our talks became only about the problems he was having, most times he didn't even ask me "how are you" or even "how was your day", it was only venting for him. I became his emotional booty call. During all the time he and I interacted, he changed his mind about me a lot of times, one day he wanted us to have a future together and a few days later he wanted to just be friends and forget any possibility of having something else. It happened very often and that lack of stability was something else that made me feel drained. After his lecturing and the drama I ended up having anxiety attacks. He said too that he was going to start the legal proceedings to have his daughter with him in his days off without the mother having to be there, but he never really started it, only kept saying that was gonna happen.

 

As the date for the trip approached things got worse and talking to him started to feel tiring for me. I started talking to other people online, wanted to talk to different people about things that weren't dramatic, wanted to read something different than only complaints. He used to pay attention to what time I had last been active on Facebook, one day he asked "did you go late to bed last night?", to which I said "yes, I did", then he asked why and I told him that I was talking to someone on Skype (it was just a conversation, nothing else). He didn't like it, the fact that I talked to other people made him feel very jealous and it felt very unfair for me because he even slept in the same room with his ex, but didn't want me to even talk to people online. He kept adding women on Facebook too, he used to said he added them only to have new contacts/networking. That day when I told him I was talking to someone on Skype it became a huge deal, the typical lecturing followed and again I ended up feeling terrible. He used to ask me "if we had something for real and you felt neglected by me, would you look for someone else?". He seemed to be that would be the case, I guess he knew that being so unstable and withdrawn a lot of times would provoke a woman to feel unfulfilled while being with him. Who knows, maybe he just wasn't willing to make an effort. Would have it been wise to get into something with someone like that and uproot my life based on words that seemed empty?

 

I couldn't handle it anymore and I told him that I didn't want to keep going like that and that I wanted to get away from him. He didn't want to let go and insisted for days, it was unnecessarily dramatic, he still wanted to come to visit but said that it would be sad for him to see me if he knew that nothing was ever going to happen between us and if he would only see me once. I told him that then we shouldn't see each other and to cancel the trip. That happened two weeks before the trip was going to happen. Everything was canceled in the middle of huge amounts of drama.

 

I've felt guilty since all the drama happened because he bought the tickets which weren't refundable and because I know I hurt him. I wanted to take things slow and see each other and see where things went, but he wanted assurance of something else happening, he wanted to be sure that after that visit I was going to move in with him. I couldn't promise that, it was huge, there were many red flags that made me feel anxious at the thought of doing that. I felt that I couldn't have handled something real with him, that if it was difficult online, it would have been a lot more difficult "for real".

 

He and I talked a couple of days ago and he asked if I am talking to new people, to which I said yes and he didn't like that, he said that is what he needed to finally let me go. We cannot talk as friends anymore and that is sad, the friendship is just not possible, will never be able to even talk again. Terrible ending. I wish it had been different. I feel very guilty and have felt very stressed about it, it has even taken a toll on my health which is very silly since it happened with someone I never even got the chance to have in front of me in person.

 

I am sorry this was so long, if someone has something to comment about it, I would appreciate it.

Edited August 23, 2016 by lazcas

[justwhoiam]

I understand how you feel. But really, if you never even met him, be grateful. It would have been much much worse. Think if you had been intimate in real life...

 

I know it still hurts a lot. But as you said, too many red flags.

 

Regarding him sleeping with the ex and the daughter: they needed comfort, he provided it to them. There's nothing to be added. If they will need comfort in the future, he will probably provide it again. Unless she finds another man, and ditches the old one.

[frankrobinson]

Yeah, you are right. It is a crazy idea. I also have a friend who met his partner on Partyline.com site and after they maintained their contact for some time, they decided to meet up personally. They liked each other and started relationship. And after few months of dating, they decided to make a step in their relationship with living together. Now, they are one happy couple.

[lazcas]

Yeah, you are right. It is a crazy idea. I also have a friend who met his partner on Partyline.com site and after they maintained their contact for some time, they decided to meet up personally. They liked each other and started relationship. And after few months of dating, they decided to make a step in their relationship with living together. Now, they are one happy couple.

 

 

That is the way it should be, meeting goes first. There cannot be any promises, commitments or expectations before that happens.