Can people really change?

[jenuka]

Hello, I´m new to this forum. I hope, that someone can give me advice about my relationship.

 

My ex boyfriend and I broke up a month ago. He was the one who started with BU decision. I told him, if he isn´t happy with me anymore, then we should BU. I don´t wanna be with someone who isn´t happy with me. We discussed what happened between us. He told me, that he is sure, that I was unhappy with him this year...that he is doing this BU decision for me and he still loves me. I was pretty suprised, because I was sure, I will marry this guy and have kids with him. We have always talked about our future and strong bond between us. He proposed a year ago.

The truth is I gave him mixed BU signals, because his promises get broken over and over again. I haven´t realized this until he told me about BU signals. I wanted from him to fight for our love. He was always talking, but did nothing. I haven´t seen him for almost year, because he is working abroad. When I should go visit him, he told me about BU, that I´m not happy with him and so on. I couldn´t go to visit him, besides the fact I had paid flight ticket. He hurt me so much How he could talk about BU, when I had paid my flight ticket? He told me, that he couldn´t tell me his fears face to face. My mum told me, it isn´t normal and he is manipulating me. Then suddenly when I told him, he hurt me so much and I can´t stand this LDR anymore (we were together 5 years), he went to work closer to my country. But I couldn´t see him in person, because I was in such pain.

He told me, that he "came back" because of me. It is easier for us to meet. He tried to win me back, but I told him, I need time on my own right now.

His mum was pretty devasted, that we aren´t together, but told me that he probably isn´t so good partner as I think, because he is 28 years old and he is so irresponsible ! I have never lived with him, so I don´t know what to think about him. He was always so nice, kind, caring, loving partner...but I think this year he took me for granted and that´s the biggest mistake what he made.

After our BU he was so mean, desperate...but I forgave him, because I know it is hard for him... I don´t know what is wrong with me, that I still love him. I don´t wanna talk about all story, but it was pretty tough.

I tried to explain him, that I want to see some action in his life! First of all he should paid back his loan, finish his university. He told me, that he wants to make lots of money to be with me in the same city and find here job. But how can I trust him? I feel so disappointed.

 

Last time, I told him, I need time on my own. I am now 2 days NC. I can´t talk to him, because it hurts so much. He told me, that he misses me and I told him same, but he hurt me so much and he can´t even understand what he did... Then he told me, he is still wearing a ring from me. I told him, that I´m not wearing his ring anymore. I´m pretty sure he knows, that I still love him...but I just can´t stand his behavior this year. I want to be with him, but I can´t right now, because I want to see some actions from his side, not from mine side. I was trying so hard for us, but I can´t continue fighting for us alone. It his turn.

 

Is it normal, that 28 years old man is such boy? He is so irresponsible and he is always "victim" of every situation...I guess. I´m not sure what to think about him, but I´m sure, that he is alone - he doesn´t talk to his family...and maybe this is the best opportunity to him to become responsible for his own life. Does it make any sense? Can people after BU change?

[d0nnivain]

People can change but it takes YEARS. You are only day 2 of NC. Living abroad can change someone because their world opened up & they were exposed to a new culture.

 

 

You say you wanted him to "fight for your love" but he did nothing sounds to me like you were testing him or expecting him to read your mind. That's not good. Women want these grand romantic gestures but most men have no clue as to how to pull that off.

 

 

His timing definitely sucks -- after you paid for your ticket.

 

 

If his own mother is telling you that he's not the man you think he is & that he's too irresponsible for marriage, listen to her.

[jenuka]

Thank you d0nnivain for your answer!

 

You´re definetely right!

 

I told him exactly what I want from him do to. I was really specific. I told him, he should be more responsible for his own life - pay back loan, save enough money to finish university and if we meet in the same city, then we can maybe talk. He promised me to pay back my flight ticket, but I can´t trust him without action.

I don´t expect any romantic gesture. I just wanna be with someone who is grown up and who is responsible for his own life.

 

I don´t believe, that people change so fast and I don´t want to wait for him another year. I just can´t stand LDR anymore.

 

This is great opportunity for him to change - his job is pretty hard, but if he stay there, he will have enough money...he is lonely without friends and he doesn´t speak with his family...and I won´t talk to him. So only time will show if he changed, but I won´t wait for him. I just wish him the best.

 

Again, thank you for your advice !

[violetdiamond]

Hi jenuka,

 

The guy you are describing sounds exactly like my ex-husband. He was ALWAYS the victim in every situation, and nothing was ever his fault. He also had difficulty with his family and often wouldn't be on speaking terms with them.

 

I was with him 10 years total (married 4 years) and he never changed. It seemed in his case that unfortunately, negative qualities such as this one only got worse with time, not better. Just think about what it would be like to have children, a house, bills, etc. with a person who behaves this way. I truly don't think a person can change unless they are willing to do the (difficult) work to make the changes. Of course he is hurt, and I'm sure he thinks he can make the changes that he needs to make, but it is a lot easier to say that than to actually take action. Hope this helps, good luck in this difficult situation!

[jenuka]

Thank you violetdiamond for your advice !

 

I was worried about my future with him, because he is always talking and doing nothing. This is the first time in this year, when he did something with his job for me, not for himself.

 

The saddest thing about him is, that he hasn´t realised, that without fighting for his own happiness, he will have nothing. He wants everything without doing something for it. He has wasted his potential.

 

I just can´t stand LDR anymore. He hurt me so much and I can´t talk with him. I am only day 9 of NC. He is on his own without his family, friends and me. Maybe he will change, maybe no. I have to take care of myself. It´s hard, but it´s better than being disapointed because of him all the time.

 

I just let it go, and if it´s meant to be, it will be.

Actions speak louder than words...

[Nut2fast]

Answering your question people can change and there's no timing for that it can happen whenever.

 

Now about your situation lm not gonna base my answer on past experience but Ima tell you this, 5 years being together that's a long time no guy in the world could take breaking up with that special someone now the fact that he started the BU situation to me looks like at some point he gave it a though that he might really hurt you doing a LDR, I won't sugar coat stuff so by that I meant he didn't wanna go thru the situation of cheating and his love for you didn't wanna put u or himself thru that , of course you may probably though he was losing interest but we males are as complicated as the females at times , now about his behavior his mom talks about yes I understand guys are like that at times but of course our mother will see us a different way our girl see us so just because my mother says I'm inrresposible doesn't mean in the outside world I'm going to be the same Do not base some thoughts into what his mother said , as anyone can act however they like with their mother, brothers and sister it doesn't apply how he will act on his own as a husband. The same thing from the part about what your mother said mayb there's something you didn't post up that might change what about to say but even what your mother is saying is just something to stop with the problem itself and that's what normal mothers tend to do for their daughter the "he's no right for you" talk when thing turn out for the worse I mean if you say it began this year don't lose the though of the 4 years you guys were better than now.

 

I do believe he loves you but I do see there's some things he needs to figure out on his own of course being far from anyone close to him might also have a different effect and that this BU might change him for the worse . But both you should think at the same time it probably hurts but don't let him fall off if there still any little bit of hope, I mean he's working closer somehow that should tell you it might work but if not at the end the BU might change you both for the better.

 

I truly apologize about writing a lot but I really wanna at least give you some words to think about, I hope everything goes well between you both and that you both find great happiness which ever way life takes you both

Edited October 12, 2015 by Nut2fast

[jenuka]

Thank you Nut2fast !

 

I´m thinking sometimes about this situation like you. But I feel so hurt, that I just need some space on my own.

We really talked about our relationship. I apologized for some things, but he didn´t say how he feels sorry. I know, that I have tried so many times to see him this year, but every plan just failed...and it sucks. He gave me so many lame excuses.

He is still writing to me, but I was expecting something like "I´m sorry for what I did." and I just ignore him, because I´m crying when I´m in contact with him. I forgave him everything and wish him really the best in his life. But I wouldn´t give him second chance without actions (pay back loan, finish school or find job in same city with me, apologize for what he did). I can´t trust him, because this year he was just talking and did nothing.

My biggest mistake was, that I was too supportive, understanding gf. This year for the first time I told him, that he is going the wrong direction in his life and he couldn´t handle my information. I have always loved him and wanted to see him shine ! If he would tell me about his problems earlier, I would help him and find solution to his problems.

He just pretends, that nothing really happened and I don´t think it is normal.

I just don´t want to be taken for granted and wait for him another year. It really hurts when someone you truly love disappointed you so much... Maybe when I won´t be in contact with him, he will realise what he did to me.

I told him, when he will have problem, he can contact me and I will be here for him as friend, but I just need time on my own right now. I must focus on my school and stop to think about him all the time.

 

It´s really hard for me to explain what really happened in english.

 

Thank you for your wish ! Wish you the very best and you don´t have to apologize about writing a lot. It certainly helped me to see thinking of men !

[GobbleStomper]

I know some guys in their 30's that have nothing in common with who they were in their 20's. Just something about being young and maybe having too much testosterone seems to make some guys go pretty wild.

 

Where I live we are all expats, nearly all of us started out as LDR's and slowly graduated to living abroad, but no that it's been 4 years for me I don't think I would do it again.

 

These LDR's are exciting, kind of like a vacation lifestyle, but for this same reason a lot of people conduct themselves like they are on vacation everyday. The other people here in LDR's have a tendency to go crazy when their partner leaves, a lot of these people just want to get married for citizenship.

 

I mean, I'm literally disgusted at how they brag when the other half is traveling and how flamboyant they are going out with other women. I can't speak for ethics or laws in every country but I would consider watching this video and actually finding out exactly what's happening on the other end of the LDR. If these women knew how they were being spoken of, laughed at and cheated on this would of saved years of pain. Now they have 2 country kids, international attorneys, a big mess. I'm not saying yours is the same, but just something to think about.

 

[jenuka]

Thank you GobbleStomper for you ardvice!

 

I know, what you want to tell me, so I really appreciate that ! Being in LDR takes risk!

 

We have same citizenship. He was also student as I am, but we studied in different city and states. We don´t live in the same city in our state. I´m not sure how to explain it better in english...

He had problem with his university, so he had to save enough money to finish last year. His mum pushed him to go abroad, because she thought he will have enough money for paying back his loan, saving enough money for university. But it went really wrong. So I found him job near to our state. I knew about this job from my close friend.

So he started working there, but after 2 days in this new job he was so mean to me. I know, it´s not dream job, but I told him, that this is the way how he can earn "fast" money and stay there just for year. It really hurt me, that I wanted to help him and he was so rude ! I was so happy, that he is closer and I can see him and he did something for me, but after this...I felt worse, because I didn´t deserve this cruel behavior. I apologized for some things what I did, but he didn´t say sorry for his cruel behavior.

I know, we say many bad things when we are hurt, but it was his decision to BU...and he is still writing me and pretend, that nothing happened.

Nobody cares about him like I do. I just can´t stand this LDR anymore and trust him without actions. There's some things he needs to figure out on his own. I can´t wait for him another year.

I have tried so many times to see him this year and it is his turn. I don´t expect anything from him. I just want to be happy on my own and focus on my study.