I am beginning to doubt my long-distance relationship.

[OldSoul86]

I am beside myself right now. I have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for about a year and a half – she’s 34 and I’m a 28. I come from a very tight knit European family (I am a first generation Canadian) and my parents recently sat me down and expressed genuine concern about my relationship with my girlfriend. They didn’t ask me to break up with her, but they want me to truly consider what life is going to be like with her and me and my immediate and extended family (once again big and loud European family.)

 

 

A little bit about my girlfriend, she has social anxiety and has openly expressed that she has been dealing with anxiety issues pretty much her whole life (a product of being bullied by her father when she was a child, and being bullied throughout school.) I just can’t help but think that with her anxiety and my large family, it is going to be a constant source of tension in our relationship. I am also her first serious boyfriend which was initially a red flag for me that I looked past. I don’t want to seem like I am throwing her under the bus – I love her and care dearly about her, and this is why I am seeking advice and telling my story to whoever cares to read it and give their opinion on it. In the end, I want to do what is best for both of us even if it means going our separate ways.

 

 

A little bit about our relationship. We met online gaming, and she came up to visit me three times in 2014 because I was unable to travel down to visit her. She then moved from her state to a state that is close to the Canadian border which was her original plan irrespective of the relationship (she has always wanted to live in the Pacific Northwest.) I have been down to visit her a half dozen times since she moved and she has been up to visit once. Our communication is primarily through instant messaging because she is not into Skype (despite my requests to Skype call once a week – the distance is hard for me and I know that would help, but she continually brushes it off.)

 

 

Let me preface this by saying that I value my grandfather and parents’ opinion and some of the things that they said to me really made me look at the relationship in an objective manner. The most startling thing being that my girlfriend is a bit on the rude side – e.g., she isn’t very warm and never said hello or good morning to my parents when we woke up when we were all staying at the family house on vacation (even after I said it first to them) or even asked how my parents were doing for the entire trip or made an effort to catch up with them (this wasn’t the first time that they’ve met.)

 

 

Europeans can find the aforementioned incredibly insulting, she never initiated conversation with them, and would often cut conversation off after my parents asked her about something (they described conversing with her as if it felt like they were interviewing her, when in reality they were trying to be friendly and open up a dialogue about her and her life in the hopes that she’d ask them about theirs) – conversations between her and my parents felt like they were one-way exchanges. She also spent a lot of time on her cell phone when we were all together – which made my parents uncomfortable and made my girlfriend come off as a bit rude.

 

 

Fast forward to her birthday, my parents took her and I out for dinner – while we were at the house waiting for them to get ready, my dad comes home and I said hello to him but she did not so my dad said hello to her. I don’t know about you guys, but I find it a bit rude to not say hello when I am a guest in someone’s house as I was taught at a young age to say hello when I was visiting someone. My girlfriend barely handled the dinner conversation – she was visibly shaking at the table, poor thing. One thing that irked me was that she never said thank you for the dinner, she only said thank you after I initially said thank you to my parents for taking us out (they insisted on paying.) She never took the initiative to say thank you to my parents for paying for dinner on her birthday, which made me a bit upset. Then she and I went to go see a show and I did not get a thank you for taking her or buying her ticket as her birthday present.

 

 

Fast forward to her last day here, we go out for lunch and I am thinking to myself that for sure she will offer to pay for my lunch, but she did not even offer. For 5 hours I drove us up to our summer house to visit the family, and then on her birthday I drove 5 hours back to my hometown (no offer to split the cost of fuel) and took her to a show that she loved (she’d seen it before), then took her out for dessert, and made a big effort to show her the best time that I could on her special day. Maybe I am being a bit unreasonable here in expecting a "thank you for everything you have done on my trip up here" or a small gesture like paying for my salad on our last day together after I put all the effort I possibly could to make her trip up here perfect.

 

 

I love my parents, and I love my girlfriend but my parents have expressed genuine concern that she might not be the right girl for me. Recently my parents, my girlfriend and I, and my grandfather went away on a family vacation and we all shared the same space for a couple of days. I could feel the tension the second we walked into our summer house because we already had an awkward dinner with them last year when she was up visiting. In my gut I could tell that she was uncomfortable being around my parents, and that in turn made me nervous the whole vacation too. My parents have straight up told me that they cannot see my girlfriend integrating into our family and they fear that her tendency to withdraw from social activities will put a lot of tension on the relationship that I have with my family – which makes me sad because I love my family and it would kill me to be pulled away from the people I’ve known and loved my whole life.

 

 

A lot of the aforementioned had never even crossed my mind until my parents and grandfather had pointed out that she can be rude (dare I even say somewhat unthoughtful.) Now that I have a more objective stance on our relationship and how I notice that I am doing a lot of the relationship legwork (e.g., driving down to the States to visit her – she’s only 3 hours away, making sure her time up here is perfect, and putting way more effort into the relationship than she is) now I am second guessing my judgment and questioning if all of this is worth it. I am starting to think that I may be better off as a single guy with the potential to meet someone who actually lives in my locale and someone who appreciates my hard effort.

 

 

My parents are worried that I may be selling myself short and I am beginning to come around to the idea of that slowly – and not without one hell of a pushback (I am a stubborn European too don’t forget.) They worry that there are too many obstacles in our relationship – 1.) She lives in a different country, 2.) Can’t find work unless she gets on the job training or gets recertified to do her type of work up in Canada, and 3.) She doesn’t want to have kids, and I am not sure if I want them or not (she literally can’t have kids because she went the sterilization route.) I can’t help but feel that I am compromising my values to be with this woman (I may want kids, and I do love my family and it would rip me apart if our relationship fell apart.)

 

 

I am a mess, help!

 

 

TLDR: Parents expressed genuine concern for my long-distance relationship, they think that the girlfriend and I may not be a good match and for legitimate reasons (potentially insurmountable cultural differences and the fact that I do a lot of the legwork in the relationship.) Now I am questioning if the relationship is worth it because of the hurdles and I feel like I am compromising my values (I may want kids and she doesn’t want them) and I would be ripped apart if I had to choose between my parents and my girlfriend, but I fear I may have no choice because of her anxiety and unwillingness to open up to them.

 

 

EDIT: Parents never said I should break up with her - they gave me their opinions and the hope that I would take their opinions and think long and hard about the relationship.

Edited May 28, 2015 by OldSoul86

[Lois_Griffin]

Ugh. She's just so much work.

 

I guess if you feel she's worth it, then have at it. From the sounds of it, she's not because she doesn't even want kids and you do.

 

So what's the point of carrying it on indefinitely?

[ird]

Hello, it sounds like you're in a very stressful situation right now and you may feel pressed to make a decision soon.

 

It sounds odd but I feel like your girlfriend and I have(had) a lot in common. As a child I was never taught proper manners and I went through a very traumatic death in my immediate family which causes me to become a recluse and due to other factors I developed severe (social) anxiety. I used to be just like your girlfriend, I would never say hello to people or make small talk or try to carry on a conversation. As a child I was never taught these courtesies since my family was very dysfunctional.

 

What I'm trying to do here is try to help you understand why she MAY be like this and to help you understand social anxiety/issues she MIGHT have. I don't know her but I did a lot of the things your family is unhappy about with her. I moved out of home into a relatives house and never said hi, hello, etc to them just like your girlfriend does. The ONLY thing that helped was unfortunately my family going off on me about how I'm rude and narcissistic. It sounds cruel but it was true. i didn't know these social cues were actually expected of me, I was supposed to do these things. I didn't know they were courtesies until I moved/got out of my comfort zone/got told what I was doing wrong.

 

Okay now that I've said that hopefully it may shed some light on why your GF is like that. I suggest sitting down with her alone and telling her these issues. Let her know that her behavior is unacceptable for both your relationship and her relationship with your family. She might not know any better like I didn't in my previous experiences. All it took was for people to tell me what I was doing wrong. Also, your family being loud and close-knit may be a good thing for her, it may eventually get her to come out of her shell and she'll become comfortable/outgoing with your family. I know that I'd never act like that around my BF's mother or otherwise I know I'd be out the door soon. I live in Texas so this stuff isn't taken lightly at all. Everyone is expected to show courtesy/kindness/interest in the people around them in a social setting like a significant other's family/friends.

 

Anyway I hope I could help you and others understand a bit more about your GF's situation. Like I said you need to sit down and talk with her about this. Don't tell her "my family doesn't like you" because that'll make her anxiety flare up even worse and may make her visits with your family even worse. Just tell her something like "Hey i noticed your behavior with my family.." and let her know that you're not happy with it and you want her to show them respect.

 

I hope you all can come to a happy conclusion. Social anxiety, and anxiety in general is incredibly difficult and sometimes horrifying to deal with. The thing that helped me personally was being forced to get out there and socialize(such as working retail, etc.)

 

God Bless

[kendahke]

(I may want kids and she doesn’t want them)

 

This needs to end now. For so many reasons, you two are not going to make a successful go of it.

 

At 34, she should be way more socially integrated than she is, despite her having social anxiety. There is no excuse for no manners/no home-training. Was she raised by badgers? She can't speak when she comes into a room? Then she needs to just stay home and not date.

 

I wouldn't be bothered with such an ingrate who couldn't muster up a simple thank you when people have laid out money for her when they didn't have to.

 

You are very family oriented and it's clear that she is not. Not only does she not want children, it could turn out that even if she did have them, she would not bring them to visit with your parents and her intransigence will go a long way to alienate her from them. I don't blame them for being put off by her. There is such a thing as manners and she doesn't have any.

 

End things now and find a woman who will embrace your good heart and your family. Life's too short for this kind of BS. It's time your girlfriend stopped being rewarded for butt-ugly behavior.

[ird]

Hello, it sounds like you're in a very stressful situation right now and you may feel pressed to make a decision soon.

..................

 

edit: ok unfortunately I read this thread right after I woke up so i couldn't dedicate my full attention to all the details, however let me state that I'm 18 and i've gotten through the worst of my social anxiety. if she's in her THIRTIES and she's having these issues then let me just tell you her chances of changing now are slim to none. i know its hard but consider cutting ties and finding a woman who you can share your family with. also, please don't punish your family and parents by staying with a woman who you can't have a child with. that'll only hurt in the long run. unless she was sterilized for a medical reason then it's incredibly selfish of her to want to start a life with you knowing you may want children in the future. and trust me, you will.

[GoBlue]

Long distance relationships are difficult in the best of circumstances. The fact that she doesn't want and can't have kids is a major consideration for anyone who wants to get married. I am so glad to hear that you have at least listened to what your family had to say and that you have not become defensive. Another thing that sticks out for me is the fact that she is 34 and you are 28 - may not seem like a big deal but it may be another indicator as to where she is socially and relationally. I would never tell you that you should break-up with her, but working through these issues is an absolute must if you are going to move forward. Have you considered seeing a counselor together or maybe even a Pastor? Do you see this moving towards marriage? My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[leavesonautumn]

Honestly, I just can't see this working out for either of you.

 

Sometimes we overlook situations or differences with a partner and we can genuinely love and care for them but it doesn't mean that it's meant to be.

 

I come from a family who is very close and also have a side of Italian which means a lot of Sunday lunches and spending time together. If I was with someone who didn't respect that or want the same thing, it just wouldn't work out.

 

On another note, I can be incredibly shy and socially awkward when I'm around someone new the first few times. My boyfriend has a huge family and they tend to get together a lot. I'm kind of nervous to meet them all and sometimes that nervousness can cause anxiety. However, to counteract this, when I meet someone new I smile a lot, ask them how they are, listen when they talk, thank them, say please, tell them to have a lovely day when we're parting, etc. I may not say much in between but I at least try. Does your girlfriend at least attempt to be polite in this way? I also ask my boyfriend questions about his friends or family so that when I do see them, I have something I can ask them about.

[OldSoul86]

Ugh. She's just so much work.

 

I guess if you feel she's worth it, then have at it. From the sounds of it, she's not because she doesn't even want kids and you do.

 

So what's the point of carrying it on indefinitely?

 

Thank you for the reply. I am not sure if I want to continue this, I am at a crossroads - my gut is telling me that I need to end this because I have compromised a few of my core values. I value family, and I just don't see my girlfriend ever wanting to be close with mine and it kills me.

 

The kids thing, I just feel now that I have no choice in the matter because she voluntarily got herself sterilized - and if I do decide I want kids down the road, it can't be with her (because she admittedly has zero maternal interest I am sure that she wouldn't be open to the idea of adoption.)

 

I know what eventually needs to be done, but the guilt of hurting someone is preventing me from doing so.

 

This needs to end now. For so many reasons, you two are not going to make a successful go of it.

 

At 34, she should be way more socially integrated than she is, despite her having social anxiety. There is no excuse for no manners/no home-training. Was she raised by badgers? She can't speak when she comes into a room? Then she needs to just stay home and not date.

 

I wouldn't be bothered with such an ingrate who couldn't muster up a simple thank you when people have laid out money for her when they didn't have to.

 

You are very family oriented and it's clear that she is not. Not only does she not want children, it could turn out that even if she did have them, she would not bring them to visit with your parents and her intransigence will go a long way to alienate her from them. I don't blame them for being put off by her. There is such a thing as manners and she doesn't have any.

 

End things now and find a woman who will embrace your good heart and your family. Life's too short for this kind of BS. It's time your girlfriend stopped being rewarded for butt-ugly behavior.

 

Thank you for the reply. I feel much the same now that I have in some weird way been snapped back to reality - I find myself asking why she isn't as socially integrated, and why she hasn't had a serious relationship up until this point. I can't put my finger on it, but it scares me a bit and makes me question my future with her.

 

I am a bit flabbergasted that I completely ignored her mannerisms. She seems to be okay with me (granted I wish she was more warm and more appreciative) but I am a bit upset with her and the fact that she was rude to my family - they did nothing to her and tried to be kind by insisting on paying for dinner. The fact that I had to initiate the thanking for her own birthday dinner really irks me now.

 

edit: ok unfortunately I read this thread right after I woke up so i couldn't dedicate my full attention to all the details, however let me state that I'm 18 and i've gotten through the worst of my social anxiety. if she's in her THIRTIES and she's having these issues then let me just tell you her chances of changing now are slim to none. i know its hard but consider cutting ties and finding a woman who you can share your family with. also, please don't punish your family and parents by staying with a woman who you can't have a child with. that'll only hurt in the long run. unless she was sterilized for a medical reason then it's incredibly selfish of her to want to start a life with you knowing you may want children in the future. and trust me, you will.

 

Thank you for your replies. I don't want to hurt anyone in this situation but I just don't see a way where both of us get crushed by this. My folks echoed the same sentiment - she probably won't change and that will end up being a constant point of tension in our relationship and the relationship between my parents and I.

 

She voluntarily got sterilized because she decided that she did not want to have kids ever. I know that this should be a deal breaker for me, but I am so worried about hurting her that my best option right now is to do nothing.

 

Long distance relationships are difficult in the best of circumstances. The fact that she doesn't want and can't have kids is a major consideration for anyone who wants to get married. I am so glad to hear that you have at least listened to what your family had to say and that you have not become defensive. Another thing that sticks out for me is the fact that she is 34 and you are 28 - may not seem like a big deal but it may be another indicator as to where she is socially and relationally. I would never tell you that you should break-up with her, but working through these issues is an absolute must if you are going to move forward. Have you considered seeing a counselor together or maybe even a Pastor? Do you see this moving towards marriage? My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

I can wholeheartedly say that now that I'm in a long-distance relationship (should this end) I will never get into another one. I am not wired for it. I am the type of guy who would on a whim call up his girlfriend and take her out for a nice dinner, or go out for an ice cream and a walk at night somewhere scenic, or go home after a long day of work and want to curl up on the couch with a nice cup of tea and a good movie. I can't do these things because of distance and it is now becoming a source of misery and frustration.

 

My parents mean the world to me, and they were so nervous even broaching the subject with me. Initially, I have to admit that I was mad, but I now know that their concerns are genuine and from the heart - they genuinely want what is best for me - and they know that I am a poor judge of character (one of my many weaknesses in this world.) I thanked them for their honesty and I told them that I would ponder on their opinions and seek out others as well - I want to make sure that in my mind I am seeing this from all possible angles.

 

Honestly, I just can't see this working out for either of you.

 

Sometimes we overlook situations or differences with a partner and we can genuinely love and care for them but it doesn't mean that it's meant to be.

 

I come from a family who is very close and also have a side of Italian which means a lot of Sunday lunches and spending time together. If I was with someone who didn't respect that or want the same thing, it just wouldn't work out.

 

On another note, I can be incredibly shy and socially awkward when I'm around someone new the first few times. My boyfriend has a huge family and they tend to get together a lot. I'm kind of nervous to meet them all and sometimes that nervousness can cause anxiety. However, to counteract this, when I meet someone new I smile a lot, ask them how they are, listen when they talk, thank them, say please, tell them to have a lovely day when we're parting, etc. I may not say much in between but I at least try. Does your girlfriend at least attempt to be polite in this way? I also ask my boyfriend questions about his friends or family so that when I do see them, I have something I can ask them about.

 

Thank you for the reply. As much as it pains me to say, my girlfriend makes little to no effort in social situations. She has never asked me much about my family - whereas I have asked about hers in the hopes that she'd ask about mine. Like I said in my original post, my parents' exchanges with her felt very one-sided and she never would ask them questions about their interests, or their lives. Even when I cook dinner for her at her place, she doesn't say thank you or anything - I feel like I need to pry it out of her (I generally do by asking how it tastes - then I get a half-hearted thanks.)

 

She is nervous around people, but I see it as no excuse to be rude. I am sorry, but when I am a guest in someone's house - I say hello and ask them how they are doing, and maybe get into a bit of small talk with them (it is respect and I was taught that by my parents.) Like you said, you put forth that extra effort to counteract the nervousness - my girlfriend just closes up and doesn't talk to anyone unless she is spoken to directly. I am not like that, and knowing that she was nervous around my parents, made me nervous and uneasy too - and I did not like that feeling.

 

I want to thank you all for giving me your opinion, it is very much appreciated.

[Tiger Lily]

OP, I'm sorry for your pain. It seems like you're slowly getting clarity about your situation, and are moving towards making a decision. It must be painful. Seems like you've gotten lots of great advice on this thread.

 

I just wanted to add that you have a nice way of writing. Reading your posts is so easy (not the subject matter, just the flow!).

[OldSoul86]

OP, I'm sorry for your pain. It seems like you're slowly getting clarity about your situation, and are moving towards making a decision. It must be painful. Seems like you've gotten lots of great advice on this thread.

 

I just wanted to add that you have a nice way of writing. Reading your posts is so easy (not the subject matter, just the flow!).

 

Thank you Tiger Lily - I took a lot of academic writing courses in school, I guess they paid off!

 

I still have not done anything yet, the guilt is so overwhelming at times - it honestly makes me feel nauseous. I have never dumped anyone in my life, I have always been the person who has been dumped. I know I need to do this sooner rather than later, and that each passing day makes it harder.

 

The thought of hurting someone is eating me up. People have said that I shouldn't feel guilty because I am doing what is best for me, I wish I was wired to think that way. I honestly don't even know how to broach the subject with her - what I should tell her, what I should omit, etc. I need to figure this out and try to minimize the pain for both of us.

 

Any suggestions on how to do this?

[Tiger Lily]

I'm sorry OP, I don't have much solid advice.

 

I guess I would think about two things:

 

1. The truth is always the best way to go, and...
   
2. It may help to remember that breaking up with her wouldn't be for purely selfish reasons (imo). I think it's for her own benefit as well. If you're not a match, it's better to move on now, rather than let your lives become more and more entwined, which only makes separation that much more difficult down the line.
   

 

 

Regarding your studies...yes, they paid off! It's always nice to know the hard work was worth it .

[justwhoiam]

I don't think that family vacations so early on in a relationship are a good thing. I understand you being very attached to your family, but you are 28, and you should grow up a bit and start doing things on your own. It looks like she was kind enough to second you, another girlfriend would have probably declined. I mean, it's a nice thing that you want to involve her in your family stuff, you maybe are too into it when you could do other things instead. So try to balance that, or give it up for a while. You need to build up time just for you two as a couple. Especially knowing you live away from each other most of the time and you only use text messages between visits. Do you at least call her on the phone?

Also, you probably made her uncomfortable and didn't realize. How blind is that? I think I would notice if a guy doesn't even realize when I feel uncomfortable. That's a red flag to me. It's as if I were invisible.

 

Also, you said you wanted her to pay for your salad and pay for gas for your car. If I heard that from my man, I would get speechless. We are one, who cares who's paying for what. I have to admit though that I paid for museums, I paid for breakfast, I paid for a limo, but he paid other meals, he presented me with plane tickets, and now he's saving up for my next visit. As we reciprocate, we don't have to exchange TYs at every step of the way. Though I guess we both said that at some point. I get a bit embarassed if he thanks me at times, because I just do what I feel because I love him.

 

That said, there are two major problems:

1. It looks like she has no manners. I won't dig into the reasons why. I guess this is not really unsurmontable, but if it is a trait of her personality, I guess she needs a man accepting her for who she is. That man will hardly be you.

2. She got sterilized. I assume it was her decision, and to me that would be quite a dealbreaker. It's against the very principles of a family. And she wouldn't be considering your point of view anyway.

 

I think you already feel she's not a keeper for you.

 

Nevertheless, if I were you, I would test my parents. I would tell them that I proposed and she said yes. And then I'd want to see their reactions. There you will see if they really love you and support you, or if they're going to row against. I'm not sure if you have the guts to do that, but that would really tell you a lot about them. A good family should not row against or despise your girlfriend, even when they don't like her. I saw this happening in other families, and it caused a lot of unnecessary pain. One of my cousins was brave enough to leave everything behind for his girlfriend. The parents would have wanted him to be under their wing, go on with the family business, have her move where they live and give in with a lot of compromises.

 

I know you want to be on good terms with your family and that's important to you. But don't let them rule your life. I understand they just expressed concern and didn't push you to make decisions, but you know, who's being manipulated often doesn't even realize he's being manipulated.

 

Short answer: break up with her, but make sure your family is not too invasive.

[OldSoul86]

I'm sorry OP, I don't have much solid advice.

 

I guess I would think about two things:

 

1. The truth is always the best way to go, and...
   
2. It may help to remember that breaking up with her wouldn't be for purely selfish reasons (imo). I think it's for her own benefit as well. If you're not a match, it's better to move on now, rather than let your lives become more and more entwined, which only makes separation that much more difficult down the line.
   

 

 

Regarding your studies...yes, they paid off! It's always nice to know the hard work was worth it .

 

Thanks for the response Tiger Lily. I feel like I am going through the stages of grief right now - one hour I'll be okay with the situation and the next I'll be bargaining with myself. I don't think I am ready to do this quite yet. I understand that each passing day makes it more difficult, but I am just not ready unfortunately.

 

As for what to say, I know I need to be truthful - that may sting a bit for her, but I hope it will help her heal knowing the full truth and hopefully it will give her something to work on for her future endeavors in love (God it feels weird to type that.)

 

I don't think that family vacations so early on in a relationship are a good thing. I understand you being very attached to your family, but you are 28, and you should grow up a bit and start doing things on your own. It looks like she was kind enough to second you, another girlfriend would have probably declined. I mean, it's a nice thing that you want to involve her in your family stuff, you maybe are too into it when you could do other things instead. So try to balance that, or give it up for a while. You need to build up time just for you two as a couple. Especially knowing you live away from each other most of the time and you only use text messages between visits. Do you at least call her on the phone?

Also, you probably made her uncomfortable and didn't realize. How blind is that? I think I would notice if a guy doesn't even realize when I feel uncomfortable. That's a red flag to me. It's as if I were invisible.

 

Also, you said you wanted her to pay for your salad and pay for gas for your car. If I heard that from my man, I would get speechless. We are one, who cares who's paying for what. I have to admit though that I paid for museums, I paid for breakfast, I paid for a limo, but he paid other meals, he presented me with plane tickets, and now he's saving up for my next visit. As we reciprocate, we don't have to exchange TYs at every step of the way. Though I guess we both said that at some point. I get a bit embarassed if he thanks me at times, because I just do what I feel because I love him.

 

That said, there are two major problems:

1. It looks like she has no manners. I won't dig into the reasons why. I guess this is not really unsurmontable, but if it is a trait of her personality, I guess she needs a man accepting her for who she is. That man will hardly be you.

2. She got sterilized. I assume it was her decision, and to me that would be quite a dealbreaker. It's against the very principles of a family. And she wouldn't be considering your point of view anyway.

 

I think you already feel she's not a keeper for you.

 

Nevertheless, if I were you, I would test my parents. I would tell them that I proposed and she said yes. And then I'd want to see their reactions. There you will see if they really love you and support you, or if they're going to row against. I'm not sure if you have the guts to do that, but that would really tell you a lot about them. A good family should not row against or despise your girlfriend, even when they don't like her. I saw this happening in other families, and it caused a lot of unnecessary pain. One of my cousins was brave enough to leave everything behind for his girlfriend. The parents would have wanted him to be under their wing, go on with the family business, have her move where they live and give in with a lot of compromises.

 

I know you want to be on good terms with your family and that's important to you. But don't let them rule your life. I understand they just expressed concern and didn't push you to make decisions, but you know, who's being manipulated often doesn't even realize he's being manipulated.

 

Short answer: break up with her, but make sure your family is not too invasive.

 

Thank you for the reply justwhoiam. My girlfriend was all for going to the summerhouse, knowing my family was there. I offered to go down to visit her and spend a few days there for her birthday - knowing that she gets uncomfortable with people around, but she said she wanted to come up to visit and go see the summerhouse. I assumed that she'd be okay to visit with my parents for a couple of days, based on the decision she made (I let her choose because it was her birthday weekend.)

 

I feel much the same as you've written about here. I love my family, but I can't help but feel that they have far too much input in my life (granted, all of their input was coming from a loving place.) I am part of a huge Italian-Portuguese family and this is how we are.

 

As for the fuel splitting and paying for lunch - that is merely a difference of upbringings as I see it. I was taught to reciprocate as a show of respect for something someone did for me - but I get that this is a conversation that her and I could have had for the sake of clarity (being that we come from different upbringings.)

 

I too do not have the guts to do what you've suggested. As much as I want to see their reaction, I am afraid of it too. They have told me time and again over the last week, the decision ultimately falls on my shoulders - they just wanted to voice their concern.

 

As for the sterilization, it is ultimately her body - she does what she wishes with it. Being someone who is still on the fence about having children, I am put between a rock and hard place - I can't have children with her because of her decision. Right now I am weighing how important having children is to me (which is extremely tough to do because as a man I can ultimately have children anytime - and who knows how I'll feel about it in 5 years, hell even 10 years down the line.)

Edited June 1, 2015 by OldSoul86
Additional thoughts

[justwhoiam]

Thank you for the reply justwhoiam.

You're welcome.

 

I feel much the same as you've written about here. I love my family, but I can't help but feel that they have far too much input in my life

I am happy that you recognized that.

 

As for the fuel splitting and paying for lunch - that is merely a difference of upbringings as I see it. I was taught to reciprocate as a show of respect for something someone did for me

I'm oldfashioned. If you're a gentleman, you shouldn't have any expectation about your girlfriend paying for you. I'm wondering if yours is some portuguese tradition. Surely not Italian. Reciprocation comes out of love, but girls also have other ways to reciprocate their love, and pay for you is not on top of the list. If they are in love, they will spend their money over you, even the few pennies they have, because generally speaking they love shopping, and there's nothing more rewarding than buying stuff for the one you love and maybe put a smile on his face/letting him know how special he is. Has she bought you gifts?

 

I too do not have the guts to do what you've suggested. As much as I want to see their reaction, I am afraid of it too.

What scares you exactly? What would you expect? I guess you shouldn't make it last long anyway.

 

As for the sterilization, it is ultimately her body

You're being too politically correct. Hello? We're talking about your woman. Your potential wife?? I can't but question a choice that will involve other people, unless you decide to live life by yourself for the rest of your life. It's a statement to any future man. A statement that doesn't allow for discussion. And some things should be decided together in a couple.

 

I can ultimately have children anytime - and who knows how I'll feel about it in 5 years, hell even 10 years down the line.)

Few men would never entertain the idea of having children, teaching their son, playing with their son...

 

Let me ask you something. Would you be OK being with a girlfriend that wouldn't go out of her way for you? Because I'd have a hard time being with a man who wouldn't go out of his way for me. At least in the beginning.

[OldSoul86]

You're welcome.

 

I am happy that you recognized that.

 

I'm oldfashioned. If you're a gentleman, you shouldn't have any expectation about your girlfriend paying for you. I'm wondering if yours is some portuguese tradition. Surely not Italian. Reciprocation comes out of love, but girls also have other ways to reciprocate their love, and pay for you is not on top of the list. If they are in love, they will spend their money over you, even the few pennies they have, because generally speaking they love shopping, and there's nothing more rewarding than buying stuff for the one you love and maybe put a smile on his face/letting him know how special he is. Has she bought you gifts?

 

What scares you exactly? What would you expect? I guess you shouldn't make it last long anyway.

 

You're being too politically correct. Hello? We're talking about your woman. Your potential wife?? I can't but question a choice that will involve other people, unless you decide to live life by yourself for the rest of your life. It's a statement to any future man. A statement that doesn't allow for discussion. And some things should be decided together in a couple.

 

Few men would never entertain the idea of having children, teaching their son, playing with their son...

 

Let me ask you something. Would you be OK being with a girlfriend that wouldn't go out of her way for you? Because I'd have a hard time being with a man who wouldn't go out of his way for me. At least in the beginning.

 

Thanks again for replying justwhoiam.

 

To answer the question in your reply: She has bought me two things in our relationship (1.5 years) - a small figurine from a video game that we used to play together, and a balloon that said "I love you." The video game figure was my Christmas present and the balloon was a random thought when I went down to visit one time. Now that I think of it, she never even gave me a birthday card, let alone a birthday present this year. Last year I took her out for dinner for her birthday, and this year I took her to a show and we went out for dessert afterwards, and got her a card too.

 

That is the one thing that bothers me about her decision to have herself sterilized. It leaves me or any other man in her future no option to have biological children. I am not sure how I feel about this, and the more I think about it - the more I feel that is somewhat selfish (even though it is her decision ultimately.)

 

As for going out of her way - I can honestly say that she really has not gone out of her way in a long time to make me happy or make me feel special. I feel like I am putting way more effort into the relationship than she is - and that is eroding my self-worth.

 

As far as children are concerned, I think I would be a good dad - it is the fact that with her I have no biological option and when she had her procedure done. She discussed it with no one else (and no one outside of myself, her close friends, and her sister know - her parents have no idea that she is sterilized.) She made that decision solely herself.

 

Thank you for giving me more food for thought.

 

P.S. - As for the old-fashioned thing, I didn't mind paying for the things I've paid for - it just feels like it is expected and not appreciated (she gives out very sparse thank yous.)

Edited June 1, 2015 by OldSoul86
Clarification

[justwhoiam]

Not even a card for your birthday is quite bad, from my point of view. I must say that happened to me too, and I just hope it doesn't happen anymore. It's the thought that counts, as they say. But if you don't even get that, then it's sad. In my case I at least noticed the attempt to make me feel special.

 

She never went out of her way for you.

 

You talked about your family, but hardly mentioned hers. You said she was bullied by her father. Maybe there's more to it.

 

I read that women undergoing sterilization before age 30 and who never had children are likely to regret their decision within 10 years from the procedure. Maybe that will happen to her too.

 

I guess you know what you should do now. I sense you are procrastinating. You want a family in your future. She decided she doesn't feel like having one. You could just explain to her you realized you are going different directions in life and it cannot work.

[OldSoul86]

Not even a card for your birthday is quite bad, from my point of view. I must say that happened to me too, and I just hope it doesn't happen anymore. It's the thought that counts, as they say. But if you don't even get that, then it's sad. In my case I at least noticed the attempt to make me feel special.

 

She never went out of her way for you.

 

You talked about your family, but hardly mentioned hers. You said she was bullied by her father. Maybe there's more to it.

 

I read that women undergoing sterilization before age 30 and who never had children are likely to regret their decision within 10 years from the procedure. Maybe that will happen to her too.

 

I guess you know what you should do now. I sense you are procrastinating. You want a family in your future. She decided she doesn't feel like having one. You could just explain to her you realized you are going different directions in life and it cannot work.

 

Yeah, the fact that I did not even get a birthday card is eating me up quite a bit.

 

I know that I am procrastinating about this. It is just so hard to let this relationship go, even though I know that ultimately we're not right for each other. I just hope and pray that I can muster up the courage to do this soon.

 

I am fairly confident that she won't regret the decision. She is smart and I would hope that she thought long and hard about such a life-altering decision, because she now needs to find a man who has no desire to have children.

 

Thank you for your advice and insight once again.

Edited June 1, 2015 by OldSoul86
More thoughts

[OldSoul86]

I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who gave me advice in this thread. I went through with my decision to end the relationship, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I am now starting no contact and hopefully my healing journey will commence.

 

Right now I feel numb and barely slept last night. Ultimately this was for the best, she was not the right woman for me. I hope and pray that I can conjure up the strength to endure some tough days ahead.

Edited June 3, 2015 by OldSoul86

[justwhoiam]

Do you feel like sharing how you did it? Did you talk to her on the phone? In person? Did you write her a letter?

 

What was her reaction?

 

I have a feeling it's more drama for you than for her.

[OldSoul86]

Do you feel like sharing how you did it? Did you talk to her on the phone? In person? Did you write her a letter?

 

What was her reaction?

 

I have a feeling it's more drama for you than for her.

 

I wanted to breakup over Skype initially but she refused. As mentioned before, I wanted to start Skyping with her because we conducted a lot of our communication over instant messaging and although I was okay with it I'd wished that we could have spent some time on Skype to help me cope with the distance. Instead she continually ignored my requests to do so. Upon her refusal, I just conducted the breakup over instant messaging (even though I felt awful for doing so.)

 

Her reaction was pretty much what I had anticipated. She was trying to solely place the blame on me - SHE didn't want the breakup and she got very passive-aggressive when I was conducting the breakup pointing out all of the things I did wrong while not acknowledging her role in the breakup.

 

She tried her best to deflect any sort of responsibility and constructive feedback about the relationship - (e.g., I brought up the birthday card thing and how it really hurt me - she barely acknowledged it and said that she doesn't buy cards - and when I said that e-cards are free, she changed the topic on me.)

 

Her attitude was very poor and she had essentially said - this is how I am, deal with it or leave, and no mention of wanting to improve herself as a person. She made me feel bad for being honest and being the one to see that this relationship had no future and being the one strong enough to sever ties.

 

I think the thing that struck me most was how quick she is to judge others on their shortcomings and pick apart their mistakes (God knows I made some mistakes in the relationship - which I worked through and rectified) but is unwilling to acknowledge her own for the benefit of self-improvement and preservation of the relationship.

 

Basically it all boiled down to her attempting to blame me for everything and trying to place a massive guilt trip on me for doing what I felt I needed to do to remove this toxic person from my life. I say toxic because she really was - she is incredibly negative, has little motivation to improve herself, has low self-esteem and low self-worth - she was dragging me down in the gutter too.

 

As much as it pains me to say - I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I know I ignored numerous red flags, but despite them all - I loved her with every fiber of my being, but this time I knew in my gut that my head had to win over my heart. I did not like the person I was becoming - I am not a negative person, I am not anti-social, and I am not anti-child or anti-family, now that I am out I am glad I am, because I didn't want to become the man I was becoming. I chose me!

 

This quote has truly helped me the last couple of days and I want to share it:

 

"Free yourself from negative people. Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and like-minded. Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you – people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU – and being YOU is the only way to truly live."

 

— Unknown

[OldSoul86]

Ex contacted me today via email to get a couple of things back - it set me back a tiny bit, but, back to no contact.

[OldSoul86]

Of course she sends me a long winded email a couple of days before my graduation. Now I have suffered a setback. Emotional manipulation? I already feel bad enough that I had to hurt her.

 

She emails me saying that she was sorry for being cold and defensive during the breakup. She now knows that her behaviour wasn't as warm and open as it could have been in the relationship. She said she was sorry for not making a good impression on my folks and friends when she came up to visit. She apologized that she couldn't be the woman I wanted her to be - and that she cannot give me the family that I want. I know that her words never matched up with her actions, and words are simply - just words, but still it hurt to read that she is now sorry. Now I feel like a piece of steaming hot garbage.

 

I feel like I am being manipulated emotionally - she knew I had a special day planned yesterday. I finished school and am now a fully fledged school teacher. I just can't shake this feeling that she deliberately timed this email to throw me off and spoil my momentous occasion. The day that was supposed to be about me, was sullied because of the contact.

 

I just want to be left alone to heal. I asked her numerous times to stop contacting me, but she has done so a few times since I broke up with her. She has messaged me over such trivial stuff, and I asked her politely to stop because I need to heal and move forward with my life. It hurts bad enough without the contact, it makes it a lot more difficult when she says she's sorry and that she was wrong. Even after the relationship she is still finding ways to drain me emotionally.

 

Just venting - I am frustrated. I want to heal and move forward with my life.

[TMichaels]

I just want to be left alone to heal. I asked her numerous times to stop contacting me, but she has done so a few times since I broke up with her. She has messaged me over such trivial stuff, and I asked her politely to stop because I need to heal and move forward with my life. It hurts bad enough without the contact, it makes it a lot more difficult when she says she's sorry and that she was wrong. Even after the relationship she is still finding ways to drain me emotionally.

 

Just venting - I am frustrated. I want to heal and move forward with my life.

 

Then you need to quit giving her access. Block her email address in your email client. If you can't/won't do that open up another email account with a different address AND DON'T GIVE IT TO HER.

 

Remove her from your Friends list on FB, instant messenger, and whatever else you have out there. Get a new phone number.

 

If she knows any of your friends or family members, tell them that if she contacts them to ignore her and under no circumstances should they give her your new contact details or even mention you have some.

 

Bottom line: She's draining you emotionally because you are allowing her to do so.

 

If you want absolution for the guilt you feel (which IMO is totally misplaced) get yourself to confession. If you're serious, you need to quit the martyr crap, cut her out of your life and move on.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[OldSoul86]

Then you need to quit giving her access. Block her email address in your email client. If you can't/won't do that open up another email account with a different address AND DON'T GIVE IT TO HER.

 

Remove her from your Friends list on FB, instant messenger, and whatever else you have out there. Get a new phone number.

 

If she knows any of your friends or family members, tell them that if she contacts them to ignore her and under no circumstances should they give her your new contact details or even mention you have some.

 

Bottom line: She's draining you emotionally because you are allowing her to do so.

 

If you want absolution for the guilt you feel (which IMO is totally misplaced) get yourself to confession. If you're serious, you need to quit the martyr crap, cut her out of your life and move on.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Thank you for the brutal honesty TMichaels. I was thinking of going to see a counselor to help me work through these feelings.

 

You're absolutely right that I need to stop giving in and responding to contact from her. I use a Gmail account and you currently cannot block access to an email address, or else I absolutely would have done so. I should create a new email account and tell people that I am now using that.

 

Martyr, I never really thought of it like that - but with some quick Googling I realize that this is definitely worth delving into. I do hold myself to really high expectations and anything less than that I take very hard and really beat myself up for being unable to maintain my high expectations.

 

Funny enough, you're not the only person who said that my guilt is completely unjustified. Pretty much every person who knows me and the breakup said that I should not feel guilty for living life on my terms.

 

Once again, thank you for the honesty - I need it during times like this.

[Hope Shimmers]

I read this entire thread and you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. No question about it. Your personality comes shining through in your posts, and you describe her very fairly. She is never going to change and that would have been a miserable life for you. As I read the thread I was actually wondering what you ever saw in her.

 

People like you are exactly the types that make wonderful fathers. And you have the family support and good background to ensure that this will carry on. That reason alone is enough for you to move on... but her lack of manners and just outright rude behavior is inexcusable at her age; I don't care what kind of upbringing she had.

 

Her emailing you and being sorry is just words. If she's sorry, that's just fine, but it's too little and too late. Her being sorry will NEVER make her change. She isn't sorry that she behaved the way she did - she is just sorry she lost you.

 

And if her timing was to upset you on your happy day, then all the more horrible - an emotionally manipulative person you DO NOT need in your life. As the poster above said - block her contact if she is refusing to respect your wishes.

 

I had a somewhat similar experience in that I received unwanted "apologetic" contact from a LDR after I had repeatedly asked for it to stop - and it set me back too. But it didn't set me back in that I wanted him or the relationship back - just that it stirred up memories that were negative and kept me (VERY temporarily) from moving on, something I desperately wanted/needed to do.

 

Do not second-guess your decision! Best to you

Edited June 13, 2015 by Hope Shimmers