Unsure how to start

[Regan929]

Hi everyone,

I need some advice from those of you who seem to be seasoned LDRers. I am in my early 30's and I met a guy a few weeks ago (also early 30's) who was in town visiting a friend of mine. We hit it off and ended up having a delightful 24 hour romance. I had so much fun with him, and he told our mutual friend that he likes me. He went back home at the end of the weekend and we've traded some text messages since then... some have been long-ish conversations where we talk about real things (he gave me advice on taking a potential new job, for example), we send pictures of nieces/nephews, etc and there's flirting. It's pretty rare that I meet someone I feel like I click with, so I would like to pursue something with him even though it would definitely be long distance. My question is, how do I start this? Just keep up texting, and see if it organically leads to other modes of communication then hopefully visits? We talked kind of generally about visiting and he said he would definitely want to again, but there's nothing on the books.

Also what should my expectations be at this point? There were a few days in a row where we texted pretty consistently with engaging conversations, but now it's been about two days since we've been in touch. Is that normal? I've only done LDR once and it was in college before texting was a thing so I don't really know what to expect with all this new technology (writing that made me feel like I'm 80 years old...). Thoughts? Advice? Should I even bother?

Thanks!

[d0nnivain]

Ask him if there is any chance he will be coming back by you any time soon.

[BlackHat]

Short answer: Don´t start. Just take the fun for what it is, and don´t complicate things.

Long answer: All you know about that guy is that you had great "one two three for five S*X seven"...everything else you just don´t know it.

 

So you have loads in common, like he likes puppy dogs and kitty cats and, oh miracle, you too. He gave sensible advice like anyone else with a levered head would do. That doesn´t mean a thing.

 

What means a thing is the following: TODAY (not 50 years ago), Couples who made it in LDR are the exception, not the rule. He could be married (like I am) for all you know, and he could conveniently about telling you that he is married or is otherwise engaged (like I do) and you would be none the wiser.

 

He could also groom you as a possible lover for future s**capades (like I do)...or...

 

...he could be a wonderful guy who, like any other wonderful guy, his high demand will put him to the test will all sorts of women in his own city and then, like the old say goes "long distance relationship makes four people happy" (because you may have your "accidental" drunk nights as well).

 

...or...

 

...he would be 100% loyal, and then one day his phone gets stolen and you think he was having a night of steamy you-know-what with someone else. Or you may forget your phone at the office, or a million other things.

 

So whether he is lying or not LDR is NEVER a good option UNLESS you have been years with that person, have built a solid relationship, and the LDR is for a finite period of time.

 

But I guess this is not what you want to hear, but still I feel like someone who watches a very drunk person getting into a car. Technically, its none of your business, but you want to try to stop the disaster. And, when that happens, you usually get punched by the drunk driver.

[Regan929]

You bring up interesting points and I suppose you probably aren't wrong, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're right either.

First, I think the "exception not the rule" thought can be said about relationships in general, yes? Otherwise we wouldn't all be on this forum. Second, I actually do know quite a few couples (all of my closest friends in fact) who either have made an LDR work or they're currently making it work. Two marriages, one newly living together after years of distance, and others that are currently geographically separated. Anecdotal examples, I know, but they all started out with the distance as opposed to dating for a while in the same place then one moving.

But I do see what you're saying - it can probably be frustrating, not knowing what they're up to and who they're spending time with, especially since it's in the gray area phase anyway. I do highly doubt he's married... he's been friends with our mutual friend since high school. That would have come up at some point. But I'm sure he is dating in his city, just like I am in mine.

Can others weigh in? What have some other experiences been?

[chelsey]

LDRs are very hard when a relationship is established and even harder to begin.

 

My best friend was in a similar situation and she chatted with a guy for a few months, they even did some sexy skype dates. He was in Florida and she is in Maryland.

 

Eventually it just kind of petered out. it's VERY hard to keep someone's interest when you're far away and it's also easy to let the fantasies take over so that you don't see reality.

 

I would keep it casual and try for a visit, either you to him or him to you (be open to either!) and try to add phone calls.

 

odds are definitely against you. this kind of thing needs a lot of effort from both sides, good luck!

[BlackHat]

You bring up interesting points and I suppose you probably aren't wrong, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're right either.

First, I think the "exception not the rule" thought can be said about relationships in general, yes? Otherwise we wouldn't all be on this forum

 

Yes, exactly. You just strengthen my point.

 

Relationships that work are, at the moment, the exception. Within that exception, LDRs that start when both partners know each other for years that work are the exception. So go figure your odds when your LDR is with someone you barely know.

 

So thanks for making my point clearer.

 

Second, I actually do know quite a few couples (all of my closest friends in fact) who either have made an LDR work or they're currently making it work. Two marriages, one newly living together after years of distance, and others that are currently geographically separated. Anecdotal examples, I know, but they all started out with the distance as opposed to dating for a while in the same place then one moving.

 

Let's eliminate the ones who are not married yet and focus in your 2 CASES 2 that apparently worked. How many started the relationship as LDR from the get go? Am I am not talking about high school sweethearts who separated later on, I am talking about your case.

 

Of this 2 anecdotal cases, how many started in the exact situation as you?

 

And even if they both did (which I think unlikely)...2 CASES!!!

 

That doesn't look like the rule to me.

 

But I do see what you're saying - it can probably be frustrating, not knowing what they're up to and who they're spending time with, especially since it's in the gray area phase anyway. I do highly doubt he's married... he's been friends with our mutual friend since high school. That would have come up at some point. But I'm sure he is dating in his city, just like I am in mine.

Can others weigh in? What have some other experiences been?

 

Great. So he is dating, you are dating, and you want to make an LDR work. Allright, I am out.

[Regan929]

Yes, exactly. You just strengthen my point.

 

Relationships that work are, at the moment, the exception. Within that exception, LDRs that start when both partners know each other for years that work are the exception. So go figure your odds when your LDR is with someone you barely know.

 

So thanks for making my point clearer.

 

I'm confused here. It seems the point your making is that LDR's that are successful are the exception, so why bother. My point is that relationships in general that are successful are the exception, so should we all just say "why bother" and never try anything and just be cynical and alone forever?

 

 

Let's eliminate the ones who are not married yet and focus in your 2 CASES 2 that apparently worked. How many started the relationship as LDR from the get go? Am I am not talking about high school sweethearts who separated later on, I am talking about your case.

 

Of this 2 anecdotal cases, how many started in the exact situation as you?

 

And even if they both did (which I think unlikely)...2 CASES!!!

 

That doesn't look like the rule to me.

 

 

 

Great. So he is dating, you are dating, and you want to make an LDR work. Allright, I am out.

 

You seem so angry about this and I don't really understand why. And I guess I should have been clearer up front... I'm not looking for him to be my boyfriend tomorrow. That would be silly at this point even if he lived down the street. I'm just asking for people's experiences when you meet someone you click with who happens to live 800 miles away.

As for the couples I know who are married - one met at a wedding. They lived in separate cities but he eventually moved. Another knew each other for a couple of months before he moved across the country. They kept that up for 4 years before she moved. Another couple I know (not married so apparently doesn't count, but together for 2 years now) met in an airport for 10 minutes, then started phone calls/visits from there. And I have several others I can think of that are still going strong from similar beginnings.

I'm probably not articulating this well, but I am being realistic and realize this would be a hard road if we pursue something. The day we spent together could have been a fluke and we could actually hate each other. I realize that. But why not take a risk?

[Mrin]

LDR's can definitely work out from the start. You just have to have the right people in the right stages of their lives with the right approach and the right commitment. Which seems daunting but is actually true of any relationship.

 

In my case we had the following:

 

1. Both divorced with partial custody of kids - so we are well beyond the lets buy a house and start a family phase. I think that is critical for open ended LDR's

2. We both have very busy lives and careers.

3. We see each other every other week. Usually for a week. In reality, we basically love together 50% of the time - or you could look at it like a traditional relationship where one person travels 50% of the time for work. I know of many couples who have a higher combined travel burden.

4. We bothare very self confident.

5. We both love to over communicate. In many ways our communication is far more meaningful when we are apart than when we are together.

6. This started as an LDR and will need to stay this way for another 9 years at the maximum.

 

So there you have it. Works for us amazingly well.

 

In your case - go ahead and give it a try. Sounds like you have more flexibility so it might be something where the LDR ends. Listen - love isn't always convenient. I have no idea where some people got that notion.

[Regan929]

LDR's can definitely work out from the start. You just have to have the right people in the right stages of their lives with the right approach and the right commitment. Which seems daunting but is actually true of any relationship.

 

In my case we had the following:

 

1. Both divorced with partial custody of kids - so we are well beyond the lets buy a house and start a family phase. I think that is critical for open ended LDR's

2. We both have very busy lives and careers.

3. We see each other every other week. Usually for a week. In reality, we basically love together 50% of the time - or you could look at it like a traditional relationship where one person travels 50% of the time for work. I know of many couples who have a higher combined travel burden.

4. We bothare very self confident.

5. We both love to over communicate. In many ways our communication is far more meaningful when we are apart than when we are together.

6. This started as an LDR and will need to stay this way for another 9 years at the maximum.

 

So there you have it. Works for us amazingly well.

 

In your case - go ahead and give it a try. Sounds like you have more flexibility so it might be something where the LDR ends. Listen - love isn't always convenient. I have no idea where some people got that notion.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience! You're right that love isn't always convenient.... I've been dating in my current city for years and while there are ton of single guys right outside my door, it's been more frustrating than anything else. Which I think is how all my friends ended up in LDR's - the people here are terrible (VERY career/image focused, I feel like no one is "real") so why not try something with someone I actually have chemistry with even though we're geographically separated?

[Mrin]

You absolutely should. Just both go into it realizing that it takes great communication to work. One of the things I love about my LDR is that when one of us detects something, we just call it out - "seems like you're off today. Whats up?" It is really refreshing actually. No more pussy footing around the issue. You just say what's up.

 

Best of luck!

[justwhoiam]

there's flirting

Like what? Examples? Do you (ever) start the flirting?

 

it would definitely be long distance.

How distant?

 

how do I start this?

You don't? In my mind it goes like this: the couple meets up, he likes her, she likes him, they start spending time together regularly even when they are separated, they both don't want to date other people, they fall in love, he shows his interest in several ways, she does too, they talk about a relationship (he might plan another visit, or ask her to be his girlfriend, etc.), the LD relationship starts.

 

Just keep up texting, and see if it organically leads to other modes of communication then hopefully visits?

For now, it's just texting going nowhere. And I guess you should just take it for what it is.

 

We talked kind of generally about visiting and he said he would definitely want to again, but there's nothing on the books.

This tells me that he'd like to see you again, but he's not that into it enough to move mountains for it, if you know what I mean. He just saw you once. Men are more practical than women. He's not that desperate that you're his only chance. I bet he thought about you that way, but the relationship in his mind is not that feasible. Maybe he thinks you're not the kind for a LDR, or he's not willing to get into that situation, or simply, he thought ahead and there's no way he can move to where you live, and obviously he can't ask you to move where he's at.

 

what should my expectations be at this point?

Don't expect anything. I'll say more: if he's not going to consider having a relationship with you, and should you meet him again, don't kiss/have sex with him, unless you have the upper hand (I start from the point that you don't, so you should avoid that like the plague).

 

now it's been about two days since we've been in touch. Is that normal?

Yes. It was getting intense and he drew back. When that happens, don't do anything. Then when he comes back to you, act uninterested. If he's not an idiot, he will understand. He'll notice you're not responding promptly anymore. He might also think you lost interest, but he can have it back with just putting in some effort.