Sexting - don't care for it.

[WineNot]

Hey everyone - just want to put this out there to see if I am the only one who feels this way.

 

A little background - my bf and I have been dating for 3.5 years now. We live in different countries (me Canada and him US) about a 10 hour drive or 1 hour flight away.

 

We are both very sexual people (with each other of course) when we're together. It's the 'when we're apart' thing that gets me. I am not into sexting AT ALL. It doesn't turn me on, well, it does but I become more frustrated then get pleasure from it because it just reminds me of what I want and can't have. If it were up to my bf, we would do it every day all day.

 

In the beginning we used to do it a lot but that was before there were immense feelings towards him and I felt it was easier to do then. He actually used to want to sext so much in the past that I think it took all the fun out of it and it would literally be like a 2 hour conversation of some made up crazy bull**** that it just wasn't fun for me anymore. It came to a point where it felt like a job and I would dread his first text in the morning because I knew it would be an initiator to sext. Every. Single. Day. I found it to be rediculous tbh, especially the content he would come up with. It has cut back significantly since then because close to 2 years ago I expressed to him how it upsets me more than makes me feel good.

 

I know how important some sort of intimacy is in an LDR whether it's sexting, sexy pics, getting off on vid etc - but none of that is enjoyable for me. Whenever he says he wants to send me a pic of his parts - I don't want to see it. I think it's juvenile in a way and really don't need to see it - I know what it looks like and I have enough saved pics for a life time - they all look the same haha. I feel like it's more for him than it is for me because he continues to ask me "what I want to see"...and he knows I really don't.

 

When we're together it's completely different - we're all over each other all the time! And we are lucky enough to get to see each other every couple of months so it's not like we're going 6 months to a year without seeing each other.

 

Do you think my feelings are legit? Should I just suck it up and do it just for him even though it brings me to tears most times because all I long for is his touch but can't have it? I know men and women are different in this regard - they are visual creatures, they like to fantasize (not that women don't) but it just really hurts me now. Plus, it's not very easy for me to be intimate with myself while holding a damn phone and sexting him, while trying to think of what to say...it's just not my thing at all. I'm not sure if I feel this way because of the past and how often he wanted to do it, to the point where it made it not enjoyable anymore, or if I'm just missing him so much that the very thought of anything intimate with him while he's away from me is too much to handle. Maybe it's both.

 

Anyone else feel this way? If so, how do you deal with it? Will it hurt our relationship even though we see each other quite often for an LDR? (I personally don't need it to hold our relationship together) I feel bad a lot of the times because I do want to make him happy in every way possible (and trust me, we make up for it when we visit) but I just find it so hard when we're apart to even think about these things.

 

Any thoughts are appreciated

[ASG]

I'm the same.

Every once in a while it can be fun, especially if you're going to see the other person very very soon. But if not? Frustrating and, quite frankly, boring.

 

I have this FWB and he lives on the other side of the world, so we don't see each other often. But we chat occasionally and he keeps asking me for boob pics (and sending me vids or pics of him). And honestly... I now kinda avoid even talking to him... I've sent him enough pics to ast about 3 lifetimes and I just cant be bothered anymore. And I've told him this. I don't care for sexting, I don't care for pics. If he was here, great, I'd be all over him, but since he isn't, and there is no concrete plan for us to meet up in the near future I don't even want to talk about it.

 

I also have enough pics of him to last me 3 lifetimes, plus videos. I'm done. I don't need anymore. I don't need to skype. I don't want to skype (since it always leads to sex talk).

 

I dont think it will hurt your relationship, as long as you keep communicating normally in regards to the other aspects of your relationship.

[WineNot]

Thanks for your input!

 

Exactly - omg the vids. I'm sorry - I love you and everything, but I don't need to see you wanking it. It's disturbing. I don't even want to know when you do that. I know it happens - but it doesn't need to be a spectacle, it's something that should be private - even between us. I don't tell him when I do it so why the hell does he tell me? I don't give a crap! haha. I imagine role reversing and being like "oh baby, let me pull out my vag and show it to you. I want to show you it so bad". Or "I woke up with a hard nipple - wanna see?" I mean, NO!

 

I hear you about the avoidance too - I used to pretend his text didn't come through when he'd try to initiate something - I'd go an hour or two with no response, hoping his "mood" would pass then I would talk about something completely different in order for him to think I didn't receive his initial text. Bad I know, but common, enough is enough. Like I said it hasn't been NEARLY as bad for the past couple years but he still now and again will try and I totally shut him down. I just feel something like that needs to be enjoyed by both parties and it's completely 100% one sided in this case.

[ASG]

I haven't done a full sexting session in a long time, but it always feels, to me, like I'm one of those phone sex operators... Like, texting all this "sexy" stuff, but really, I'm doing the laundry or painting my nails... And sometimes I'm getting turned on and feeling really frustrated that I won't be getting some and other times I'm just feeling a bit uncomfortable making up all this stuff that I'm supposedly doing, when in fact, I'm just stuffing my face with cake in front of the tv and I've completely disconnected from the conversation.

[WineNot]

Haha, oh trust me I know. I'd be watching Golden Girls while he thought I was swinging from the ceiling. Absolutely, some things that he says or used to say would be a big turn on, he's very good with words but it just led to complete frustration on my end. I can't release the same way he can. It's very different.

[anika99]

I'm not in a LD relationship but I understand how you feel about sexting and dick pics. Barf to both! I was with a guy for about a year who used to try to write erotic stories and share them with me. They didn't turn me on at all, mostly because he was a lousy writer and he basically just wrote a play by play of people in the act of sex with a lot of vulgar language. After the first one I didn't even read them but I didn't tell him that because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Then another time he sent me an email with a very graphic description of his morning masturbation ritual, describing in detail his "sticky cum running through his fingers". I wanted to hurl. It's not that I couldn't get into that sort of thing from time to time, it's that he seemed to have no awareness of me or my feelings at all and he had no sense of timing. I was quick to tell him that I didn't enjoy his email description of his bodily fluids and please don't send me anymore of those.

 

 

I don't think you should have to sext if it doesn't turn you on but the problem I do see is that you kind of pulled a bait and switch on him in that you used to be willing to do it every single day and now you won't do it at all. He may see that as you not being honest in the beginning as a means of getting him hooked. That may lead to some resentment on his side. How about phone sex? Is that compromise you could agree to? Phone sex isn't really all that great either but it's more intimate and quicker than typing sex. I had a long term bf who had to go away for a few weeks at a time and we occasionally engaged in phone sex and while still not as great as the real thing it was nice. Mind you if my bf had started to want it on every single phone call it would have gotten old pretty damn fast.

[WineNot]

I hear you about the bait and switch, and I was honestly into it in the beginning until he made it seem like a job. He became obsessive with it. The frequency of him wanting to sext and send me pics is what initially turned me off. He would send me pics asking me to describe how perfect I thought his dick was...things like that. It became very - oh what's the word - all about him. His narcissism about the whole thing is what did it. That was the deal breaker. It wasn't me that made it a horrible experience, it was him! And I would love to be able to send him quick naughty texts here and there but it he ALWAYS has to turn it into this huge ordeal. Like he can't just respond with something quick back, it always leads to this long, drawn out, overly detailed sexting session. I don't think he's ever thought about how I felt, it was just him in his moment of horniness wanting to get off. Screw what she thinks or how she feels, right? I told him all of this btw - the content of what he wanted me to write to him was disgusting. He would ask me to write him emails of me explicitly being with someone else - things like that. It really weirded me out! Talk about resentment, he's lucky I don't resent him with the things he'd talk about, or want me to talk about. Like I've said before, he's been very good with it for the past while after me explaining it to him about a thousand times, I think he finally gets it but yesterday morning he tried to do it again - and it ruined my entire day. Like you said - he made it get old very very very quickly.

 

Phone sex - we don't talk on the phone often as we don't have a long distance plan or anything and it can get quite pricey, and I don't know, I find it awkward haha. I feel like I'm better at typing than I would be coming up with things right off the top of my head on the spot like that, voice to voice.

[ASG]

Oh man! I know exactly what you mean!!! Sometimes it would just be great if you could send a text saying something like "oh the things I could do to you right now", without it turning into a long session of drawn out descriptions.

 

For me, the correct answer to that is not "what things, exactly?", but rather "yes, I wish you were here too baby" and... SCENE! Done. It was nice, it conveyed a feeling and it is now over!

[WineNot]

Yes ASG! That would be my dream response too! But I avoid saying anything, even if I'm dying to, just because I know what it will turn into. He's always looking for the details, every last one of them and quite frankly, it's exhausting. Why do things have to be more complicated than they already are?!? Short, sweet and to the point. That's where it's at.

[ConfusedCanadian]

Will start off by saying I get to see my GF a bit more then you see your BF, but it is definitely not as often as either of us would like, and like you in the beginning we would have fun on Skype that kind of thing, but it began to feel very unfulfilling and honestly made us miss each other more because we couldn't be close after, so that has stopped, although I certainly love the idea still, just the end result sucks. We don't really sext at this point and really didn't do much of that at all anyways, we do let each other know how much we want each other, and maybe an, I can't wait to kiss your _____ type thing but that is about it.

 

You are right that men are far more visual, and I love when ever my GF sends me naughty pics, and she will every few days, but we also send lots of just regular pics to each other through out the day. I used to send naughty pics back to her, but I have kind of figured out on my own that it doesn't do for her what it does for me, she would rather have a fantasy in her head then a picture, which is perfectly fine in my books.

 

I would suggest talking to him and saying that you love him and his body and when you are together, but don't need the visual aids, maybe it is some kind of turn on for him to send them I'm not sure, but you could ask him that as well. I would also keep sending him pics (obviously not everyday), just from my own experience I know I love seeing my GF and I would rather look at her then find some random porn site to stare at. I'm sure he would love to see you, and while I know you would be doing it strictly for his enjoyment just as I know my GF does it strictly for my enjoyment it does make being LD easier (to me at least).

[WineNot]

I do send him pics every now and then - I know he really enjoys it. Then again, he also has an entire hard drive of pics from me - an abundance I should say of sexy pics and also vids of us together. That sort of thing. He seriously has an entire library. I feel like all the pics I send him are all the same, he can just go through his collection of me if he wanted (and I'm sure he does, but wants something 'new'). We also send each other pics of every day things too - much more often than anything sexual. We really do have a great relationship and talk about everything and anything under the sun, it's just even if months have gone by and he hasn't initiated anything sexual, when he does it's like these old negative feelings come up and I get angry/sad/depressed over it no matter how much time has passed from the last time.

 

And you are absolutely right about me enjoying the thought or fantasy of it more, not the actual picture or discussion. I just don't feel like he thinks there is a difference between him and I (or difference between most men and women in general) when it comes to that. I don't mind fulfilling his needs by showing him a sexy pic here and there just as long as I'm not asked if I want to see one of his in return and also not telling me a play by play of what he's doing with himself while looking at said picture. I don't want to know - even if he is looking at me while doing it! I sound like such a prude haha but really I'm not - just the thought of intimacy just makes me miss him that much more.

[ConfusedCanadian]

I'm sure I have a hard drive of my GF lol, and while she has said the same thing, it just the same thing over and over again, I like seeing new pics and honestly I can't get enough of her, so she is sweet enough to indulge me.

 

If you are still willing to send pics (which you are) then unless he has a fetish for sending pics to you, I think he should be fine if you just talk to him. I know sometimes I need subtle reminders to keep my perving over her in check as well lol.

[WineNot]

Haha, I totally understand wanting the newness and I'm definitely not opposed to sending him pics but he does have a thing for showing off to me, but I don't feel the same. When I send him pics, I don't get off on that at all. I 100% am doing it for him and to make him happy, which I don't mind. But when he wants to send me pics, it's also 100% for him as well. He gets off on me looking at them. Want to know what turns me on when we're apart? It's not a dick pic, it's the sweet nothings said, flowers spontaneously sent, and talks about our future together and progressing our relationship

[Mal78]

Haha, oh trust me I know. I'd be watching Golden Girls while he thought I was swinging from the ceiling. Absolutely, some things that he says or used to say would be a big turn on, he's very good with words but it just led to complete frustration on my end. I can't release the same way he can. It's very different.

 

I LOVE this scenario comparison!

 

Golden Girls and swinging from the ceiling.

 

For me I think I would appreciate the setting, however my partner doesn't know the first thing about dirty/sexy talk. I honestly wish there was a class in it so I could sign him up.

[FitChick]

When will one of you be moving to the other?

[Tayla]

It may not be today, or tomorrow, but things have away of coming back to harm. this includes pictures, videos and texts. Be mindful of that in this era of technology. He may be the love of your life today .....but that info is always there to do good or do harm....

[justwhoiam]

Men and women are different. If you start acknowledging that, you'll be halfway across the pond.

[Els]

Want to know what turns me on when we're apart? It's not a dick pic, it's the sweet nothings said, flowers spontaneously sent, and talks about our future together and progressing our relationship

 

Does he do these for you?

[Frank2thepoint]

He would ask me to write him emails of me explicitly being with someone else - things like that.

 

You have a winner here. Your boyfriend has very little respect for you. I think you have bigger issues than just not liking sexting.

[HeavenOrHell]

When I was in an LDR I loved sex talk/texts, phone sex and skype sex, it brought us closer together, one of the things which helped retain the bond. I never got bored with it but we weren't at it all the time, maybe once a week sometimes more, sometimes less, if it had been every day then it would get dull.

But I can understand why some people wouldn't enjoy it or be comfortable with it, also yes it can just make you feel more frustrated, I felt more frustrated when we didn't have sex of some kind when apart though.

[HeavenOrHell]

Not necessarily. I wanted sex when we we were apart (and when together) as much as he did.

 

 

 

Men and women are different. If you start acknowledging that, you'll be halfway across the pond.

[HeavenOrHell]

This is only a problem if the couple involved aren't trustworthy or don't know each other well enough.

I trust my ex implicitly to not share personal stuff of ours, he trusts me as well, if neither of you are spiteful, bitchy people it's not a problem.

 

 

 

It may not be today, or tomorrow, but things have away of coming back to harm. this includes pictures, videos and texts. Be mindful of that in this era of technology. He may be the love of your life today .....but that info is always there to do good or do harm....

[HeavenOrHell]

I disagree, women can be as visual as men, I wanted pics and vids of us more than my ex did, he wanted skype sex about the same amount I did.

 

 

 

 

 

You are right that men are far more visual, and I love when ever my GF sends me naughty pics, and she will every few days, but we also send lots of just regular pics to each other through out the day. I used to send naughty pics back to her, but I have kind of figured out on my own that it doesn't do for her what it does for me, she would rather have a fantasy in her head then a picture, which is perfectly fine in my books.

 

[Emerald_11]

I don't really like sexting either...I tried it & sent some naughty pictures but then I got all paranoid that someone else might possibly see them someday. I asked my husband to delete them but he doesn't want to. He assures me no one will ever see them..

If he asks for more pics in the future I will just ask him to look at the ones he already has.

[Michelle ma Belle]

My partner and I met on a sex site and our relationship began with cyber sex and sexting long before we realized we were in deeper than we both planned.

 

Personally, I LOVED sexting, Skyping, cyber sex, whatever. I couldn't get enough of it and I was damn good at it

 

When we decided to finally meet and see if what we had worked in real life, things changed, and for the better I think. When we're apart, we both agree that the sexting/Skyping is fun and even important in a LD relationship BUT it IS different now that we've been together in real life.

 

As much as it was a big part of our initial relationship, it's hard to feel completely satisfied in the same way before we met and finally got to be together. I think that's pretty normal since real life is almost always better than virtual.

 

With regards to your experience, you're right that most of what he's doing is for HIS benefit more than it is for yours. But then again, isn't that what makes for a good relationship? Compromise? I mean, we all end up doing things we may not be particularly thrilled about but if it makes our partners happy, why not?

 

Men LOVE to send d*ck pics and they love receiving naughty pics from women even more. That's just a fact. If this exchange truly disturbs you then you need to let him know. If it's something that's slightly annoying but tolerable, stop dwelling on it so negatively and go with the flow.

 

You both sound young (twenties) which might explain his continued need to exchange visuals with you. Not saying that older men don't enjoy it but it balances out sooner than later the older you get.

 

I would also agree with another poster who warned you about the pics you're sending him. Right now it's all good and you're in love BUT things can go belly up and if/when they do, you won't be getting those pictures back. Be careful about what you send and if you can, hide your face because you just never know. There are countless websites of compromising photos of ex boyfriends and girlfriends. You don't want to end up being one of them.

 

Good luck.

Edited November 26, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle