Lost

[Evening]

I really like this one guy. I mean actually I am crazy about him. Maybe I am rushing things, we have been talking for a few months..but I need to express my feelings to him. I feel like saying that "I like you" is not enough.

 

We have not met in person yet. But we do talk to each other about everything.

 

Help me out what should I do, I feel like I am rushing things, at the same time I feel like I cannot hold it in me anymore..

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you have plans to meet at some point? What sorts of things do you talk about?

 

I wouldn't say anything too heavy just yet. You don't know him all that well at this point.

[kimiky]

I know that feeling... before we confessed our feelings I was holding the need to say "I love you" or "I like you a lot" like the WHOLE time. I calmed a little by calling him names like sweetie, honey, and using some *hugs*, yea I know it sounds silly lol, but when you talk online and you are shy as f*ck you have no options. Christmas, new year and 14th of february are comming, those are special days to be more atentive and express things you don't say daily. Also, have you thought on sending him a gift for christmas? That pretty much says that you REALLY care about him.

[Evening]

I know that feeling... before we confessed our feelings I was holding the need to say "I love you" or "I like you a lot" like the WHOLE time. I calmed a little by calling him names like sweetie, honey, and using some *hugs*, yea I know it sounds silly lol, but when you talk online and you are shy as f*ck you have no options. Christmas, new year and 14th of february are comming, those are special days to be more atentive and express things you don't say daily. Also, have you thought on sending him a gift for christmas? That pretty much says that you REALLY care about him.

 

Wow, OMG! What a perfect idea! I definitely think about it.

[KismetGirl]

I have been talking to a guy for two months now that i haven't met in person. He messaged me on an online dating site basically the day I lwas leaving the country for six months! I didnt return his message until like two months later out of boredom but now we've spoken all day every day for two months almost. He wakes up and tells me good morning and i do the same, we say good night. But the thing is that I know he is dating another girl casually while Im not there. He tells me he likes me more and is waiting for me to get there but realistically I know he can't know for sure we will work out so he's also having other options which i guess makes sense but it drives me nuts when i know he is with her. I hate thinking about it. I dnt have a choice because im not back home for another two months. I guess Ill have to see what happens.....but i often feel an urge to say i love you, but i know its not real. I am obviously feeling close to him from talking to him so much, and he's a very verbally affectionate person, but you cant love someone you never met no matter how much you skype/text/email. Peeople just interact different in person. So we have a good start but i wont know for sure for another two months how we are in person and i am terrified he'll decide to be with this other girl and totally ditch me after talking to me for four months!

 

LDR and meeting people online are big risks....ive had my heart broken before by all manner of relationships but in these i suppose you get to know each other so much just from talking without sex clouding the issue, that if they dont like you in person its a bit crushing because you assume, well, maybe he's just not attracted to me in person!

 

Terrifying. But dont say i love you as much as youre tempted, its just infatuation until you actually meet, trust me on this one. You dont want to waste those words on someone who decides after one in person date that the chemistry isnt actually there.

[kimiky]

but you cant love someone you never met no matter how much you skype/text/email

Why people here keep saying that? People love objects, dogs, cats, places, and you can't love someone that listens to you and makes your problems fade away? I told my guy that I loved him even years before meeting, why would we hold something so important to each other? Even if it doesn't work in real life, the time you spent speaking online will never be killed. Me and him happened through lots of situations while be were distanced (we still are though) but even if we didn't know each other in real life, we cheered up and help the other on difficult situations, I don't really know what could have been of us without the other, as we didn't have much support from friends and family like the one we had together.

 

It may be something virtual, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist or you can't have feelings. Many people have relationships in real life with fake love, so don't blame online relationships with "you may not click"/"your chemistry won't match". If you never try, you never know...

[KismetGirl]

Why people here keep saying that? People love objects, dogs, cats, places, and you can't love someone that listens to you and makes your problems fade away? I told my guy that I loved him even years before meeting, why would we hold something so important to each other? Even if it doesn't work in real life, the time you spent speaking online will never be killed. Me and him happened through lots of situations while be were distanced (we still are though) but even if we didn't know each other in real life, we cheered up and help the other on difficult situations, I don't really know what could have been of us without the other, as we didn't have much support from friends and family like the one we had together.

 

It may be something virtual, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist or you can't have feelings. Many people have relationships in real life with fake love, so don't blame online relationships with "you may not click"/"your chemistry won't match". If you never try, you never know...

 

I didnt say people who meet online shouldnt "try". I have met plenty of people from online. I am currently in such a situation.

 

What i said is that when you meet in person it is a compeltely different dynamic than talking via electronic methods. COMPLETELY different. Chemistry is by and large how you act in person. Why do you think so many online romances fizzle soon after meeting? Because electronic communication is a small piece of who someone is. It is false intimacy created by a need to tell people things about yourself to make conversation that you might not have so quickly told others. It is months of talking because you have no other choice-- however, it is NOT being together. It is not being around someone's quirks, their bad habits, their friends and seeing how you get on with all of them, their family, eating with them, shopping with them, hanging out with them, dealing with them on a day to day basis. It certainly in no way gives any indication for what kind of physical or sexual chemistry you will have regardless of how you think you are attracted to them in videos or photos.

 

So yes, by all means everyone should explore relationships to the full extent. but to say you are in love with someone you've never touched is, to me, silly. You can have feelings for them, but its infatuation with what your perceived idea of them is, not with their reality, because you still have not experienced a large part of their reality as per above. I have been talking to someone now a couple months, literally every day, half the day sometimes, sometimes for hours on end. Do i care? sure. Do i feel tempted to say "i love you" at the end of conversations sometimes, especially when he's being affectionate and cute? All the time. Im very tempted. But i dont because i take that word hella seriously, and i dont throw it to everyone i feel close to unless i am damn sure they deserve it. I care about him at this point and i like him a lot, but until i meet him and know there's in-person chemistry, you can be damned sure i wont tell him i love him.

[justwhoiam]

Wow, OMG! What a perfect idea! I definitely think about it.

1. Flirting with him as suggested is up to you, so OK, not my thing, but if it works for you, go on with it.

 

2. Those holidays are coming up, so I would see them as more of a chance for him to express his feelings, if he has any.

 

3. Sending him a gift for Christmas might embarass him, especially if that didn't even cross his mind, like, he never thought he could get anything for you. He then could feel he fell short. So it might be worth it to just talk about it somehow. You can ask him if he does anything special, what he likes, how he likes to celebrate, if he does, etc.

[Evening]

What if I told you that he speaks only French?

 

I mean that makes our communication much more complicated.. I mean, I have learned French, but I am not so good at it, I mean, I can say what I need to say, but it just makes me cautions. And he does not speak a word in English.

 

I realized that I do not like LDR, I know that people are in such relationships, because you sometimes really love the person and you are not wanting to split up when other is studying or working in another city or state or country.

 

Anyway.. and also sometimes I am scared of showing some aspects of myself, like trying to hide it or sth, as the communication goes further I am just so scared. Scared that I might get hurt, scared that he might reject me, scared that I invest to it and it does not work out..

 

Maybe I am silly..I had a tread about how I do not like to be emotionally vulnerable and the more we grow closer the more I feel like I need to open myself.

 

When I was a teenager I had a low self-esteem, because I had acne. It was not so bad, but I felt terrible. Also had problems with eating (anorexia)...and most of my relationships are casual, I am afraid of deep commitment because of the old wounds. I feel like I am not pretty enough, although everybody tell me the opposite. I still have problems with eating and I am not able to accept myself as I am.

 

When I am talking to him, I am afraid always that my French is not so good, it makes me even more insecure. Ughh..

In my childhood there were family members in my life who always seek perfection and I felt that I never was not good enough.

 

Have you ever heard the saying: "Hurt people hurt people"? I feel the exact same way. There have been wonderful guys in my life, but because of my insecurities it did not last. I ended it. Maybe I hurt them more than I hurt myself. Either way it was my loss.

Seems like I have body image issues.

 

I am feeling so sad.

Edited November 1, 2014 by Evening

[justwhoiam]

I hope you're being helped regarding your eating disorder.

 

Regarding one's image, I think we would all be better if we started accepting that we can't all be beautiful/handsome, some will look average, some will look ugly, some will look so so, others will look cute, etc. That's because we are all different and we need to accept being different. Unfortunately, the society we currently live in supports the thought that we need to feel beautiful at all times. And we need to tell ourselves we are. I think it's stupid. But that's just me. I think I'm not beautiful, and I'm OK with myself. Some people don't want to hear such things, not even about other people, because they have been taught it's wrong, and it denotes low self-esteem if someone is self-conscious.

 

I don't let my looks rule who I am or lead the course of my life. It never really gave me any problem. I always landed the jobs I wanted, I was liked back by the guys I liked... So not being beautiful did not have an impact on me.

 

You need to come to terms with who you are and start liking yourself as you are. Don't waste your time comparing yourself to other people. Reread this post over and over and see if you're doing the right thing.

 

Regarding him speaking only French... I wonder: is he French? Because in France you need to study at least a foreign language. So it sounds weird. If he were from North Africa, then he would surely speak at least another language (Arabic?) So instead of beating yourself up for your imperfect French, do you even realize he doesn't speak a foreign language?

It's like complaining you're not tall enough, and he's a midget. Sorry for the poor example, but I hope my idea gets straight to the point.

[Evening]

To be honest in my journey I have learned how to love myself. Or I will work hard to really get there. I want to love myself the fullest.

 

And I do not think that you are not pretty, I think we all are beautiful. We all should embrace ourselves as we are. I know its a tough work but still.

 

What I have realized that I am not LDR type. I want to split up with him. He opened my eyes in many ways, he let me understand about some things. I am very grateful to him.

But there are inner voice that tells me that I should leave him. There are too much on my plate right now. I want physically to touch a person every day or know he is there and spend time with him.

 

I cannot do it from the distance for a long time.

Even if I really try.

 

Thanks for your suggestions tho!

[oldshirt]

To be honest in my journey I have learned how to love myself. Or I will work hard to really get there. I want to love myself the fullest.

 

And I do not think that you are not pretty, I think we all are beautiful. We all should embrace ourselves as we are. I know its a tough work but still.

 

What I have realized that I am not LDR type. I want to split up with him. He opened my eyes in many ways, he let me understand about some things. I am very grateful to him.

But there are inner voice that tells me that I should leave him. There are too much on my plate right now. I want physically to touch a person every day or know he is there and spend time with him.

 

I cannot do it from the distance for a long time.

Even if I really try.

 

Thanks for your suggestions tho!

 

Let me confirm all this with an "outer voice." electronic LDRs are essentially pen pals. Pen pals can be entertaining to say hi to at the end of the day before bed but the relationships aren't real. I have an old college friend that is a pen pal across the country myself so I know it can be fun but it is not in any way shape or form a substitute for a real relationship in the real, physical world.

 

The harm of LDRs is in thinking that they are real and devoting your time and energy to them. The time and energy you spend fostering an LDR is time and energy wasted that you can be doing to find a real relationship with a real flesh and blood person in the real world.

 

My advice is you can devote 5-10 minutes at the end of the day to say hi to your pen pal before you go to sleep, but otherwise take all the time and emotional energy and investment that you were putting into your keyboard and put it into real live relationships with real live flesh and blood humans.

[justwhoiam]

And I do not think that you are not pretty, I think we all are beautiful.

This just proves what the mainstream thought taught you. I think outside of the box.

 

Also, you went from crazily loving someone you've never met, to just feeling like cutting him off your life for good. All in one day. It looks like you first need to find some balance, before a relationship can even happen.

 

electronic LDRs are essentially pen pals.

I hope you're referring to people who have virtual LDRs, not the ones who meet and actually spend time together, and then - for whatever reason - go LD between visits.

[Evening]

Yes. You are right. I am very unbalanced. I do not know what I want. Or what should I want.

 

Not sure tho that people who are in LDR are only pen pals.

[kimiky]

The harm of LDRs is in thinking that they are real and devoting your time and energy to them. The time and energy you spend fostering an LDR is time and energy wasted that you can be doing to find a real relationship with a real flesh and blood person in the real world.

 

My advice is you can devote 5-10 minutes at the end of the day to say hi to your pen pal before you go to sleep, but otherwise take all the time and emotional energy and investment that you were putting into your keyboard and put it into real live relationships with real live flesh and blood humans.

One can't tell people what to do with their time and feelings. I never felt like going to discos or going out with people I met in real life because I never found anyone with the same interests than me, and in general they always were interested on my looks rather than my personality. Sorry for wasting 5 years of my life with a "pen pal" that is pretty much what I ever wanted on someone, and hey, it's real, not something invented by the internet or my "silly mind"

 

Why even come here to tell people don't have an LDR? It's an LDR forum with thousands of people in this situation btw...