Not the man I want to be

[Romeo Chromeo]

So I am in a relationship right now with a women who lives in another state and city right now. Throughout the summer she came to visit me and we spent a good amount of time together and felt right with each other. I think we are great together and I decided to give this long distance relationship a shot because as opposed to the last LDR I was in, she seems to fully grasp and understand the challenges of LDR and I clearly stated I have ZERO desire to move where she is and she understands why. If things workout, we decided that she'll either move where I am or we'll move to a place we mutually like if things in our relationship get to that level. Like I mentioned she is a great woman in a lot of ways. Very intelligent, ambitious, smart, down-to-Earth and I like/love everything about her so far. Not to say she's my soul-mate but I think we're a good unit.

 

As crazy as it sounds though, I am thinking of breaking up with her. And it's not exactly because of the distance (but it plays a little part in it and I'll get to that) and its not because of her but its really because of me.

 

When her and I were talking and getting together, things in my life were going great. Money was being made, things in my life were going my way and I was able to provide more for her. Not necessarily monetary because she can more than handle herself and isn't financially dependent on me at all (she even takes me out sometimes) but provide her with my emotions and energy.

 

I'm just at a place in my life where things are seeming to fall apart and I just don't know if being in a relationship is something I need at the moment. Besides me being in a financial crapper, I've been tending to my grandmother who is ill (and maybe even gravely) and my other endeavors in life just are pretty much on hold or aren't going so well.

 

With these setbacks, I haven't been able to provide her with who I truly am. Not only her but even with my social life, my setbacks have been getting in my way. I haven't and not able (at the moment) to hangout with friends and family much or at all. I'm not able to go out and get drinks, party and simply celebrate life with the people whom I enjoy my time with. I just can't afford it.

 

I've been contemplating on going on a little solo quest for right now. Since I've been so frustrated with my life and myself I don't feel like I am the man I want to be right now. I feel right now I want to really on focus and concentrate on my life, my goals, my plans and my grandmother. My grandmother has always been there for me and I would feel a big injustice if I don't give her SOME help. Until I feel things get better, I think its best I end my relationship. I just don't want to be an unhappy man and have that spill into my relationship.

 

She's a pretty happy woman who has and is improving things on her life. She has a degree, working on a second and really has her house in order. I admire that about her and I want her to continue without me. Right now I would only feel like I am holding her back and I don't want to be miserable and be with someone.

 

With my social life, I am taking a break from it. The only socializing I would be doing is when I deal with the people who are apart of my endeavors. My close family and friends I would be taking a small break from. Not that I don't want to be with them but sometimes they just "don't get" where I am at. For me, its embarrassing to always have to be the "broke one" among family and friends and I HATE to be treated as a charity case.

 

Lately I've just been working to work and I can't take my life. I love to see my family and friends happy but I can't be around people who don't understand where I am in life at the moment.

 

I don't expect my girlfriend to wait around if we were to break up. Instead I feel like I am holding her back.

 

 

So my question to you that read this: Would it be an understanding reason? A logical one? I know some of you may say that a real couple would work through everything. However, I would just feel bad having to deal with her while I am not in the best shape due to my financial distress which in turn is causing me not to be the same person in life at the moment.

 

P.S.: I also want to add that things have gotten so bad to the point where I had to move out and into my grandmothers place. Which I AM NOT happy about. The rent where I was living got tripled and I was pretty much forced out since I couldn't afford it. So now I am back to the start, back to ground zero. All this is making me really miserable and I am too embarrassed to tell my girlfriend. And to make matters worse she thinks I am not "trying hard enough" to visit her, when I simply can't at the moment.....

[randomnerd]

Wow...there were so many things in your post that made me question if you were my SO or not. haha I say that so you know I am probably in a similar mind frame to her.

 

My bf currently is in a job he hates, his family is having financial issues and I know he is not the man he wants to be right now but he is trying to be. I have a good paying job and am pretty stable. We spent some amazing time together and I'm going back out there soon. We get along great and work well together.

 

I think you can give her an out if you want to and let her know that you know you aren't able to give her your all right now with all of these things going on. That way you're being fair to her, however, I know that if my SO did that I would tell him to stfu. I want to be there for him during these hard times. In no way do I feel held back by his hardships. I care about him so much, I'd rather be able to be here for him when he needs me and support him in any way I can.

 

That said, of course, if you really feel that you need to focus on you, do it. Only you know what's best for you. But don't break up with her because you feel that you are affecting her in a certain way. Talk to her and go from there. If my bf was determined that this is what he needed to do, I would be heartbroken but I would understand.

[justwhoiam]

So my question to you that read this: Would it be an understanding reason? A logical one?

I think it all depends on what kind of relationship you're having & what stage the relationship is at. If you're at the dating stage and you don't feel like putting up with the efforts required in a real relationship, then I think you have a point not wanting to continue.

 

But if you are in a deep love relationship, no, your approach seems to me like totally wrong.

 

Of course you need to WANT to be with someone, and that's the only way to be with someone. But I'd expect a couple to go through thick and thin and survive all that, if love is strong enough. I'm not sure if she's the one. She might well be. I just can't tell. Can you?

 

My man got through his father's death, a layoff, unemployment, depression, financial strains and the fear of not making it through the next year without selling his house. All of that in less than 3 years. Almost a year of that coincided with us being together. I am sure there have been times when he thought maybe it was better to end things with me, to relieve himself of further 'obligations' besides the ones he already had. So I was just adding up to his stress at times, I guess. But it didn't happen. We endured everything, together. My support helped him get out of that state. I helped him find a new job. I was always there for him when he needed to vent or was feeling insecure about himself and the future. Being together resulted in being stronger and not weaker. He got more motivated (because when you're alone, it's easy to get less motivated).

 

Now he's back on track. He makes at least 4 times what I make.

 

So, in the end, only you can say if she's worth being with or not. If you prefer to be single or not.

[TMichaels]

And to make matters worse she thinks I am not "trying hard enough" to visit her, when I simply can't at the moment.....

 

Actually, of all you wrote, this sentence to me is the most important.

 

Does she know all that you're dealing with? Does she know about your financial troubles? Your grandmother? Your new living arrangements?

 

If she does and she's said to you "you're not trying hard enough" then you don't need or want that sort of woman in your life.

 

If she doesn't know about these things because you have been keeping them from her out of pride, shame, embarrassment, whatever, you're not doing either one of yourselves any favors.

 

You need to tell her and see how she deals with it. If she understands and sticks by you, then she's a keeper. If she doesn't, she's not worth your time.

 

Remember the traditional marriage vows? "For better or worse, for richer or poorer..." Even if you're not at that point in your relationship, the concept has merit even if you're just dating.

 

It's not the good times that make a relationship; it's how the two of you deal with and weather the tough times that will determine whether you two (literally and figuratively) will be successful in going the distance.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Evening]

Seems like the money issues are affecting your self-esteem. You feel like you are not good enough to be with her because you do not have the money to give or the money what would make you feel more secure in your position. After all, seems like we all think that men are here on Earth to make money and women just spend it

But thats not the case at all.

 

I would suggest you to be honest with her. Although it can be hard, it can be embarrassing too.

Ask yourself if you want to develop this relationship into exclusive or not. How much the two of you open yourself to each other? Are you willing to share troubles and worries and problems too or only share the good things?

 

Relationship is all about sharing. The more you emotionally invest into it, there more you receive. We all have rough times in life.

 

The future really lies in your hands. If you are choosing to be with her, then you should not offload your stress on her.. you have troubles and problems and I assume that she is there for you, but dont make her feel like awful. Sometimes people tend to do that especially with those who are close.

 

Be the man you wanna be. If you feel like you cannot be that man for her right now, let her go, if you can, make this relationship work, honor her and thank her for her support. Your relationship can deepen because of that. Seems like you are trying to hide some aspects of yourself from her. Trying to be that man she wants to see. But you should be honest with yourself. Relationships are not making other person to like you, but relationships are all about people like you for who you are no matter where you are in life right now.

Maybe you should invite her in. So she could see the real you.