Tk123 Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Hello everyone. My head is a mess right now and I feel like I need to vent my feelings here. My Long-Distance girlfriend who lives 4 hours away got into a car accident earlier today. The news shocked me and I was and still am in shock. I've been communicating with her throughout the day and she has been keeping me posted as to what the latest results of her catscans, MRI, etc. I feel horrible that I am not there by her side and that she has no one there to support her. We are both college students, I'm 21 and she is 20 years old. She is living on her own and I am commuting to school (her family lives here as well). The problem is, I have two more days this week of major classes/activities in school so I could not drop everything on the spot to be there by her side. I've been in contact with her mother during the day and she told me not to worry that she'll go up there and care for her daughter. I felt a little at ease by this knowing that someone will be there to take care of her. However, I still feel like my girlfriend wants me there and although she won't admit it, I feel like she is upset with me for not coming up there the minute it happened. Truth of the matter is, I had no idea something like this was ever going to happen to arrange other plans to see her. I promised her that I will drive up to her and spend the weekend with her as soon as I'm out of my last class on Thursday but that does not seem good enough. Basically I've come here for your opinions. Am I a horrible boyfriend? Did I make the right move or should I have dropped all my responsibilities to be there by her side? She made a comment to me earlier saying "Thank god I'm not in the hospital giving birth to our child then I would really be upset." We've been together over a year now and I feel like she's worried that I am not there for her in the most crucial of times. I feel like I let the person I care about so dearly down. I'm scared she is going to have second thoughts about us because I wasn't there for her on this tragic day. Thank you for your time. Any advice/input that you could add would greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Frankly that comment she made seemed just a little "guilt-inducing". If she is able to communicate with you and is okay enough to have made that comment, then she isn't life-threateningly injured. If she were in that situation I am sure you would have dropped everything and gone there, but given the situation I don't think you did anything wrong at all. You are offering your support from where you are and you will get there the second you can. I hope she is better soon - Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 (edited) This is a bit of a tricky one. First off, you MUST make it absolutely clear to her that you KNEW it was not a life-threatening situation AND you made sure to KNOW that you had her own mom's assurance that she was okay and would be well cared-for. Next. You MUST say to her along the lines of, "Hon, if you were giving birth, then I would surely have known about it ahead of time and all plans for such would have been well in place. And, of course, if it was an EMERGENCY labour or if you were in a life-threatening situation, then I of course would have dropped everything. This situation CANNOT be compared with anything like that!" Tk123, you do not have anything to ACTUALLY feel "bad" or guilty about. If she tries to lay a guilt-trip on you, then do NOT accept that for yourself and do NOT permit/allow her to do that. Defend your actions as being reasonable and appropriate, which they were. If she feels that this makes you "bad boyfriend material" or a "bad, uncaring human being"...then that demonstrates unrealistic expectations on her part and would be unreasonable and uncaring of her, and you want to get out of such a situation sooner than later. I do wish her a full and speedy recovery. Edited October 22, 2014 by Ronni_W Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 How bad was the accident? Was there genuinely a fear for her life or was it more along the lines of a sprained wrist? Was there any possibility at all of getting a compassionate consideration to skip a week's worth of school work to be with her? I definitely don't think you're a 'horrible human being'. IMO this is a tricky situation and it's hard to say what I would have done in your place without knowing further details. Also, sorry you're going through this - it must be an awfully hard time for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 I think it would only be a problem if she'd been hurt badly and you didn't go, but if it wasn't serious then I think it's ok you didn't go. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 This is a bit of a tricky one. First off, you MUST make it absolutely clear to her that you KNEW it was not a life-threatening situation AND you made sure to KNOW that you had her own mom's assurance that she was okay and would be well cared-for. Next. You MUST say to her along the lines of, "Hon, if you were giving birth, then I would surely have known about it ahead of time and all plans for such would have been well in place. And, of course, if it was an EMERGENCY labour or if you were in a life-threatening situation, then I of course would have dropped everything. This situation CANNOT be compared with anything like that!" ^^^^ This. She genuinely started making parallels in her mind. Her kind of disappointed comment might come from your reaction. Although you said you were in shock and everything, maybe you faked a calm attitude with her, and that's what she perceived. So I guess it was more about that. Seeing you were not as worried as she might have expected. So yes, this is a tricky one, because a man should keep his cool and not panic, ideally, but at the same time show concern and make the move to go there immediately. But by offering to be there with her on Thursday, which is tomorrow by the way, you did the right thing. Don't feel guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Tk123, She made a comment to me earlier saying "Thank god I'm not in the hospital giving birth to our child then I would really be upset." ^^^^ this isn't a very nice thing to say and is plain selfish IMO. It is unfortunate that she has had this accident, but how does you dropping anything and driving for 4 hours help the situation? The medical staff have the situation under control and she is not seriously injured. In this situation your studies come first as they are your ticket to a financially healthy future. If you and she ended up together and had a child, then it would be you that would be supporting her. I am surprised she can't see how important it is for you to establish your career. Keep your eyes open for any other attempts to use guilt to manipulate you - if she does it again you might want to reconsider your relationship with her. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 That's a red flag warning that she unconsciously gave you never to have a baby with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lani Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 I think other posters may be being slightly harsh on your girlfriend here.. She is likely upset and in a decent amount of shock, and made a comment in the heat of the moment. Yes, it likely brings up some insecurities for her, but she's not manipulative or trying to induce guilt (in my opinion). It is something to discuss later, but in a 'you know I'd be there for that, right?' kind of manner, not an accusatory 'you were trying to make me feel bad!' manner. Did you ask her if she wanted you to be there? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lani Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 That's a red flag warning that she unconsciously gave you never to have a baby with her. Why a red flag? In some cases, someone wanting to have a baby with you could very well be considered a huge green flag. Cynical much? Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Dude, hop on a bus, like NOW! Are you seriously thinking of blowing off your GF who is only 4 hours away??? Hope you like being dumped! Link to post Share on other sites
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