Did i come off too needy/attention seeking

[oleggy]

I've posted some on this forum before and i was hoping i wouldn't need to come back as soon as this. But i'm in a relationship with this girl from another country and we have been like this for 2-3 months or so now.

 

To shortly summarize what i've posted in here before is i have alot irrational thoughts, which leads me to overthinking and creating situations with her which wouldn't been there otherwise. I am getting better to control this and soon will get professional help for that matter also, so things are moving in the right direction in many ways.

The problem now is that she has had 1.5 weeks off from work, and we spent more time together than we have had in a long time, over internet with talking and gaming stuff together( our main activity together ). But last 3-4 days we have talked less and less, and i felt almost like she has pulled away even though we we're gaming as much as usual together.

 

So at saturday she was going to do some errands with shopping and doing some stuff, so i thought she would be back in a few hours. But being overtired because lack of sleep, i had a couple of beers and letting the thoughts getting the better of me, i sent her a message on skype that i was thinking of her, and was hoping everything went well and so. I didn't see her for all saturday, and when she didn't show any signs of life on sunday, i'm worried that either something has happened, or she got fed up with me because of that. I try from time to time, think usually 2-3 times a week to say cute/affectionate things to show feelings and being open( i thought that would be reasonable when she gives signs in between also and has said indirectly she loves me) but i don't know if this is for the better or worse. So please, anyone has any advice or similar experiences in this matter?

[beandel]

I think maybe she is taking time to assess the relationship in her head. She is probably feeling the stress of the LDR and is now wondering whether or not it makes sense. The frequency of affectionate messages you described does not seem like it is too much or clingy so I do not think that should be affecting her mood.

 

For her to pull away so drastically, indicates that there may be something else affecting her.

 

You need to bring your concerns to light - do not phrase it in a desperate way or in a way that makes it seem as though she is doing something wrong. Rather talk about how you feel and see what she has to say.

 

Communicate your concerns to her and ask her how she feels about the LDR and where she sees it going. That can give insight as to how she feels and where things are at.

 

Communication is KEY!

 

All the best!

[HeavenOrHell]

It's possible you come across as clingy and like you are waiting for her to come back online when she gets home.

People in LDR's have to find a balance between their LDR and their life at home, if a person can't focus enough on their life at home and are focussed too much on their r/ship and missing them, then it won't work.

Have you actually met rather than it being just an online thing? If you've not met then it's fantasy until you do.

Edited October 13, 2014 by HeavenOrHell

[ExpatInItaly]

I've posted some on this forum before and i was hoping i wouldn't need to come back as soon as this. But i'm in a relationship with this girl from another country and we have been like this for 2-3 months or so now.

 

To shortly summarize what i've posted in here before is i have alot irrational thoughts, which leads me to overthinking and creating situations with her which wouldn't been there otherwise. I am getting better to control this and soon will get professional help for that matter also, so things are moving in the right direction in many ways.

The problem now is that she has had 1.5 weeks off from work, and we spent more time together than we have had in a long time, over internet with talking and gaming stuff together( our main activity together ). But last 3-4 days we have talked less and less, and i felt almost like she has pulled away even though we we're gaming as much as usual together.

 

So at saturday she was going to do some errands with shopping and doing some stuff, so i thought she would be back in a few hours. But being overtired because lack of sleep, i had a couple of beers and letting the thoughts getting the better of me, i sent her a message on skype that i was thinking of her, and was hoping everything went well and so. I didn't see her for all saturday, and when she didn't show any signs of life on sunday, i'm worried that either something has happened, or she got fed up with me because of that. I try from time to time, think usually 2-3 times a week to say cute/affectionate things to show feelings and being open( i thought that would be reasonable when she gives signs in between also and has said indirectly she loves me) but i don't know if this is for the better or worse. So please, anyone has any advice or similar experiences in this matter?

 

Can you elaborate on this? What type of situations are you imagining, and does she know about this?

 

That could contribute to her pulling back. She probably wants to be out enjoying life around her and not sitting at her computer all day. OP, do you get out much? Socialize with people around you?

[oleggy]

Sorry for late answering, i've had alot on my mind and went through lots lately. But the thing that mostly makes me come in situations like these, are when i get lost within my own feelings and thoughts, and then i tend to lose control over them all at once.

 

I do train several times a week and try to keep myself busy, but it's eating me up from the insides to put it that way. But the things i do, i try to be affectionate towards her and show her that i really care, like when she tells me about her struggles at her job and so. But i'm not sure if i'm crossing over to smothering. So it's at least daily, or each 2-3 days i try to show some affection. But she barely doesn't give any back at all, so that turns my insecurity on abit too. I tried to take it up with her once, but she said she wasn't used to using hearts and so in messages. But she does give signs in between, maybe like once a week or so.

 

Another part is that she often goes and plays games, and escapes from reality in that way, i say i understand her. But i feel shes escaping from me also even we do talk some. She gave me reassurance a while back that i'm hers, and she's mine and so. So i didn't have anything to worry about till we meet up, and she shares same vision that someday we could live together.

 

So currently it's at the part where we talk, but almost like friends even we open up totally to each other. And she goes gaming, and we play games together in between. And like yesterday i was stupid enough to ask for reassurance( i asked if she had thought about me ) which i think could cause some negative reaction from her, even though she didn't show it

 

But i'm not sure at all what to do from here as this is my first relationship, so learning the ropes alot just by this. Alongside with this i just quitted with snus(similar to smoking) so alot of stress and uncontrollable feelings because of that also.

[Arieswoman]

oleggy,

But i'm in a relationship with this girl from another country and we have been like this for 2-3 months or so now.

 

No, you're not in a relationship - you have an on-line "friend".

 

Stop making this into something it isn't.

 

Get off your butt, get off the keyboard and start interacting with real people. You are getting obsessed with someone who you know nothing about.

 

Please get a reality check and stop wasting your life chasing after something that may not exist.

 

Sorry to be blunt but you need to wake up and smell the coffee.

 

Good luck.

[oleggy]

Thanks Arieswoman for being so blunt indeed. It does actually help when you let it have time to sink in. It does give me some wakeup call and helped me get my legs abit back on the ground. But indeed what i haven't included was that i have known her for 8 years, and we have had deep conversations and made plans for when we meet, and future and been quite open and direct about feelings before.

 

So in some ways you could say i'm making this into something it isn't and obsessing or so, but at the same time this isn't the traditional way one would start a relationship or define it in any matter. But in my eyes, this is truly a relationship, but yet a strange one. So yes im obsessing or overthinking or whatever, but that's because i want to be the best possible, but i get lost in thoughts and feelings when she does something different at times.

[Evening]

You are not needy, O. I think you act like a very good boyfriend.

She will come around. Just seems like she is busy.

[Chasin]

Oleggy, I'm in the same spot you're in. My GF is currently away for 2 months for her internship. She started pushing me away since she was having fun and doing her thing. Of course when I brought it up and told her how it was affecting me. Some truths came out, but she is so googly-eyed up there and the thought of coming home at all is just not appetizing to her. She's told me I'm her draw to come home, but that's it.

 

What my point is, don't be clingy, back off, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! I was so emotionally hurt and depressed I didn't want to. Then I started going out with my friends, having an awesome time. I've backed off quite a bit and stopped being so needy. I stopped thinking about her as much and everything, and lord has it helped me.

[oleggy]

It actually warms my heart to hear that it's people in exact same position as i'm in. And thanks evening for those warm words. And chasin, yeah, i've been trying to do to same abit on and off the last few days, i manage to maintain it for a while then i crack. But practice makes perfect.

 

I feel i maybe lost abit of those values in me lately though too evening, she has been coping with some unforeseen problems herself and had rough week at her work, so it affected me because i sensed all that and with my personality i always try to do my best to help, and improve myself, so it's like i see her problems as something i've done...always. So she has alot for herself to process. But mainly i've been her to come back to for someone to rely on, i listen to everything she says, i question in between and i'm there for her. So we had some great chats and somehow i feel it's going smoothly despite this rough period.

 

But there are still some issues that's bothering me, like this sunday she started leading me on with a deep/intimate question, then totally backed away, so when i tried to continue in this path with 2 questions i only recieved brief replies. So we broke it off and started chatting again after a few hours. And same goes for today, we started great and i asked about her day and everything, and she sends me this animated youtube video about some comics(green lantern and some other) with cupid involved, so i seemed that abit as validation. But later when we finished her job i questioned her new quote in skype, because that said like "so alone I do not wanna be, where are you?" which comes from a song. So i asked like, i might be reading too much into it, but is there anything i could do to help?. Which totally ended our conversation from some hours again. But everytime i leave to do things also, she seems like nervous or insecure over what and where i'm going, so she's been asking lately why and where i'm going, but then just throwing it off like she doesn't care. So can that be a sign that she still feels alot?

 

Do anyone got an idea if this can be caused just by her mood of lately, that i should stay and be supportive and show same affection as i have always done? or is this some kinda testing she does to me, consciously/subconsciously which i should do smart in just backing abit away also, because im way too easy by always being there for her, even though that's what i really feel like a boyfriend should do? (Abit internal conflicting in myself, so i'm very thankful to all objective and constructive criticism on anything i've said here, everything would be easier if she showed some affection/validation more often, but she usually barely does and maybe just once a week or less, but lately i get feeling shes more pulled away, or it's just a reflection of myself been sticking my feelings to deep in this so thats what causing everything)

Edited October 27, 2014 by oleggy

[IfiKnewThen]

i relate to u with the long distance and gaming thing. he doesnt even game with me anymore. its so hard for people to see this as a viable connection but its as real as can be. this person is a key partt of your life day in and day out.

 

and the heart break of a computer relationship and talking on the phone and all runs just as deep. in fact i think one puts more into it b/c you really have to reach in and draw out of your soul. and type and think and not just make flippant comments like you might in person. now im NOT saying its not deeper in person. it is. you can feel taste touch. but people underestimate how you can do that in your mind and with hearing each others words and voices. LDR can hurt and cut to the core if love is lost. i hate that people cant get that. unless it happened to them

 

we dont know what they are doing when we cant see them or run to their house and get a real sense of their daily lives ..so you naturally wonder. and you dont want to be insecure. and you know all too well they CAN meet someone nearby in their area and it would seem less daunting to them and more plausible or fulfilling to have someone right there in front of them. so u have a right to be scared. its natural.

 

and you see these shows like catfish and you wonder...hmmmi havent met them ...anything can be up. but moreover you really know in ur heart this is the real deal, because u have been talking for 8 years and you didnt meet on a website but a game...where people do not go to meet other. they go to play a game. you talk you see videos pictures. you have mutual gaming friends even or what ever.

 

all i can say for you...since you did nothing wrong here. is to back off a bit and really get busy if u can and she will likely come around more. and since this is your first relationship. i would advise to go out and TRY to meet others near u. good luck.

Edited November 6, 2014 by IfiKnewThen