Online overseas interest?

[littlebitlost86]

Brand new member here, just signed up now to ask about my situation.

 

So, hi!

 

BTW I'm a 28yo Aussie guy.

 

Anyway...

This may be a long & slightly scattered (like my head!) post.

Please bear with me...

 

 

Recently I was on a random forum (nothing to do with dating), came across an interesting topic & started talking to the OP.

We discovered we're the same age, our personalities & sense of humour, etc are very similar & we were getting along great so after talking on the public forum for a while I sent her a PM.

We chatted there for a bit then swapped details & started texting via Skype.

 

Conversations had started getting a little "flirty" during PMs & when I saw her on Skype I find out this girl is freaking gorgeous!

We've been chatting A LOT, almost every day for about a month, shared some VERY intimate details (not just sexual stuff) & seem to be REALLY compatible with each other.

 

The problem is, I live in Australia, she lives in the US.

However one of her first replies to me on the public forum was about the fact that she plans to visit Australia one day.

Part of how we got talking...

 

Anyway, the more we talk, the more it seems we have in common & I'm actually starting to think this girl could just be perfect for me

We've spoken about dreams, future goals, what we look for in a long-term partner & everything just...fits.

I've been dating a bit but haven't found anyone I really click with on an emotional level like this ever before.

 

I mentioned this to her (we're both pretty honest & forward people) & she shares the feelings that we could be great together.

(Obviously with this sort of thing you don't know until you try but she has mentioned that if I was local we would have given things a shot by now)

 

She also seems to be hinting at the fact that she'd possibly like to live in Australia some day but I know she has another year on her lease where she's currently living.

 

Anyway, I'm just after opinions on what other people would do from here on in?

 

I'm really interested in this girl & would love to see where things could lead if we were to meet but it's obviously not going to be easy, if indeed it does happen.

She won't be coming over here for at least a year, possibly longer. That's a long time...

I'm in a position, financially & otherwise, where I could jump on a plane & go meet her at almost any time but that's obviously a MASSIVE thing to do. MASSIVE!

There's also no point in meeting if we wouldn't end up living in the same country at some stage in the near future (I'm not currently willing to move)

 

I've said I'd love to meet her & she likes the idea but I'm not sure if she realises just how serious I am.

We're both blatantly honest (bordering on offensively honest) so I have no doubt she would tell me to go jump if she wasn't at all interested.

The flirting obviously started out as some cheeky fun, stopped for a while when we started talking about the fact we're actually interested in each other & has now started again.

She really doesn't seem like the type that would purposely lead anyone on but how can I tell for sure?

So...

Do I flat out ask her if she would consider moving to Australia if we met & everything went well?

Do I offer to visit her for a meeting to see what happens & take it from there?

Do I just label this as too hard & try to forget about her?

 

I've got a lot more going on in my head about this, among other things, & there's possibly some important stuff I've missed so ask any questions you want.

Also, don't be scared of offending me, I've got thick skin!

I'm a bit of a romantic but also a realist so I know this is a very long shot but I can't help wondering "what if?"

I read something the other day which struck a chord - "I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done"

(I'm getting very philosophical at the moment. Everything seems to be "a sign")

 

 

 

BTW, I'm sure I'm coming across as some desperado who is somewhat delusional...

I'm all too aware that there are a lot of scams re: international "romance", etc.

I am 100% confident that this is not the case & more than happy to eat my words if I'm wrong. That is honestly the least of my concerns.

This girl has NO idea of my financial situation & had NO way of knowing what I wanted to hear when asking questions.

My "type" is a little different to most too so it's also not like these were answers that every guy wants to hear...

She's also super keen to talk on the phone (we haven't yet as I've been sick the last week or so) so I'm sure she's not some fat guy named Frank

(no offence to anybody here with weight issues &/or the name Frank...)

 

Any advice &/or opinions on this would be very much appreciated!

[K0203]

I'd say you should slow down.

 

Start with talking on the phone more.

Then video chatting face-to-face. That way you can gauge how she would feel about meeting. When I say that, I don't mean you ask and then impulsively purchase plane tickets and such. I mean give it some time to get to know each other more. So you can gauge if she's serious about you coming. If, for example, she starts looking for things for you both to do and such.

 

You should meet her the first time as I think it shows your intent is serious. Especially when you start buying the plane fare, accommodation, and other necessities.

Then if you both hit it off you can discuss being in a relationship and LDR.

 

Just like any other relationship, you take the time before making life changing decisions like moving across the country for a person. So clearly, you have to develop a relationship first before jumping straight to happily ever after with someone you've just met.

[LittleTiger]

Hi littlebitllost. Welcome to LS.

 

If you think this girl special enough, buy the plane ticket and visit her - assuming she's happy with that. If you've been chatting for a month on Skype, and you're completely open with each other, you must have talked about the possibility by now.

 

It might be the best thing you've ever done, or it might not - but if you don't take the risk you'll never know!

 

Edit: Can you clarify please, I think I misread - you talk on Skype but you haven't videoed yet - and you haven't talked on the phone yet either? If not, why not?

Edited September 27, 2014 by LittleTiger

[Cynical Tiger]

Don't settle for cyber when you can plunge into the jar of honey.

Go meet her. If there's sparks and chemistry, then proceed with caution.

You can't be dating online forever.

 

Best way to find out if you like someone is spending time with them, physically.

[littlebitlost86]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

I should clarify, although I said I have the ability to visit her at any time & I'd like to do it sooner rather than later, it's not something I want to rush into either.

 

I just want to know if that's something she wants before I become any more emotionally invested in her if that makes sense?

Plus I think no matter how much talking & texting we do we won't know what's up until we can meet in person.

 

The other thing on my mind is her dating elsewhere if I leave it too long. I wouldn't expect her to give up something real for a chance at a long shot & until I fly over, if I do, she obviously only has my word on how committed I am.

 

If anything happens it will be me visiting her.

Being a gentleman I wouldn't expect a girl to travel halfway around the world to meet me.

 

Little Tiger, it's been bought up.

The problem is I don't know if she realised I was actually serious about it.

The way we've been talking I wouldn't blame her for thinking it was simply flirting or a joke. I want to know for sure but don't want to push the issue if she's not ready...

 

To clarify, we have only spoken via text.

I've had a blocked nose & a buggered throat for the last 10 or so days (which is killing the accent she's so desperate to hear) but she seems extremely keen to talk so I'm confident she is who she claims to be.

I'm on the mend so it will happen very soon.

 

Cynical, you're right, I'm not interested in long-term online only dating. I wasn't looking for ANY online dating but it just, happened...

I don't think she'll be keen on that either for too long.

 

Thanks again all

[FitChick]

Nothing stopping you from planning a vacation in her vicinity. Start googling things to see and do in her area.

 

Ultimately, you would have to marry to be together whether you are in the US or Oz. Whoever is more invested in career or family or friends will be less likely to move.

[littlebitlost86]

Hi FitChick.

 

I know but I'm somewhat hesitant to push myself on her before I'm certain she's ready.

 

I know she likes the manly but also sweet, romantic type (me:o) but I'm not sure whether jumping on a plane too quick is romantic or plain desperate?

 

Unfortunately she's from the city but currently living in a tiny country town as she was planning on attending college there (plans changed) so I get the feeling there is not much to do where she is living...

I will be looking into it nonetheless.

 

Yeah I'm aware of that & while I'm not against marriage (with the right person) it's certainly not something I ever want to rush into.

I also know she wants marriage, children, etc when she finds the right guy.

As i say our goals & outlooks are very similar...

 

I think that is the biggest problem.

I'm quite invested here. Just about to buy my first house, have a well paid career (although I am considering changing paths), VERY close to my family.

 

She is also close to her family emotionally but currently lives maybe 12 hours from them, moves a lot, has no house, is unhappy with the career she's in & the opportunities available in the US for doing what she loves.

When I asked her where she'd love to move to settle down she simply said "somewhere near the water" Do she doesn't seem attached to living in any certain area.

 

Just not sure how to bring up the subject of: would you move overseas for the right person?

[LittleTiger]

 

Just not sure how to bring up the subject of: would you move overseas for the right person?

 

How about asking the question "would you move overseas for the right person"?

 

You say that that the two of you have already spoken about dreams and future goals so what's different?

 

I was attracted to your story because it's similar to my own ie I'm in the UK, my guy was in NZ and we talked online for two months before he flew over to see me - that was five years ago and 'the rest is history' as they say.

 

We started with email, then SMS, then phone, then Skype. Your next step is to get talking on Skype - that could answer enough of your questions that the decision will be made.

 

Good luck!

[littlebitlost86]

I've been planning to ask that but does it seem a little TOO forward & or presumptuous after a month?

I suppose it doesn't matter really, I need to know one way or the other...

Plus I haven't managed to scare this girl off with any other questions or comments so far...

 

Wow, OK! So you guys are still together?

Who moved?

It's actually great to speak to someone who has already done the "crazy" things I'm considering doing & had it work for them!

It seems so unrealistic in some ways but stories like yours give me some hope..

 

Planning to give her a call soon & a cam chat sounds like a great idea too.

 

Thanks

[justwhoiam]

what other people would do from here on in?

If I were you, I'd go on chatting, see if the interest is mutual and steady as weeks go by. At the 3 months threshold, I'd ask her if she's available to meet. Since the more you talk, the more you get deep, it's better to know early on if this is something you can invest on, both emotionally and practically (in terms of time spent).

 

There's also no point in meeting if we wouldn't end up living in the same country at some stage in the near future (I'm not currently willing to move)

Make it clear since the beginning that moving for you is not an option. I think that if real love is there, anything can be overcome.

 

I'm not sure if she realises just how serious I am.

Your intentions can be serious, but you can't take anything too seriously right now. You need to meet her in person first.

 

She really doesn't seem like the type that would purposely lead anyone on but how can I tell for sure?

You can't rely on how she feels talking to you. It's just talking. We've seen it here a number of times. Then the two meet and nothing really clicks. Just see her current behavior as something to start from, not something to rely on.

 

Do I flat out ask her if she would consider moving to Australia if we met & everything went well?

I think that while talking randomly, you can ask hypothetical questions:

- Would you ever consider moving to Australia permanently?

- What if you found your soulmate here?

But nothing too personal, for the moment. She will get the hint, if she's smart. Or start wondering why you asked those questions...

 

Do I offer to visit her for a meeting to see what happens & take it from there?

Sure, why not? You said you have the means to do that and it wouldn't be a big deal.

 

Do I just label this as too hard & try to forget about her?

Why? It looks like you are not in control of your emotions already... Keep your cool. There's potential. But just treat it as that. Not as a matter of life or death.

 

I've got a lot more going on in my head about this

I think you're giving that away..........

 

I can't help wondering "what if?"

What if what? What if nothing clicks? You'll have done something crazy in your life and visit the US.

 

I read something the other day which struck a chord - "I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done"

That's a way to go about it.

 

although I said I have the ability to visit her at any time & I'd like to do it sooner rather than later, it's not something I want to rush into either.

I think it's wiser if you make sure about her interest in person than going on with some virtual romantic connection.

 

I just want to know if that's something she wants before I become any more emotionally invested in her if that makes sense?

Ask yourself: Would I get mad at myself over money spent on a plane to get there? If the answer is yes, then I see a problem with going there. I wouldn't want you to beat yourself up for so little. If you take it more lightly and you're more easy going, then it's fine.

 

I think no matter how much talking & texting we do we won't know what's up until we can meet in person.

Exactly!

 

I want to know for sure but don't want to push the issue if she's not ready...

Have no expectations for the moment. It wouldn't mean you're not serious about a possible relationship, because there's no relationship yet.

 

we have only spoken via text.

Talk to her on the phone soon.

 

I'm not interested in long-term online only dating

There might be a group of people into that, but I don't think there are so many over the age of 15... Where did you hear that??

 

I'm somewhat hesitant to push myself on her before I'm certain she's ready

Uh, I guess you shouldn't push yourself on her anyway.

 

I'm not sure whether jumping on a plane too quick is romantic or plain desperate?

Well, if you're currently in this kind of state: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNrB6qpmNwg

I guess it's better you get yourself together first.

 

she was planning on attending college there (plans changed)

So what's the plan now? Still one year of college in the US then possibly moving to Australia? Don't be afraid to ask her questions about plans and goals.

[littlebitlost86]

Thank you justwhoiam,

 

Was actually hoping you might comment...

Haven't been here long obviously but have read some threads since joining & you seem to give a lot of helpful & VERY detailed advice...

 

We had a little bit of a "chat" today, via text again unfortunately, which I'm keen for your (& anyone else's) opinion on.

It may mean something, it may not. I need a womans opinion...

 

Anyway, will answer what I can of your questions first...

 

 

 

If I were you, I'd go on chatting, see if the interest is mutual and steady as weeks go by. At the 3 months threshold, I'd ask her if she's available to meet. Since the more you talk, the more you get deep, it's better to know early on if this is something you can invest on, both emotionally and practically (in terms of time spent).

 

Make it clear since the beginning that moving for you is not an option. I think that if real love is there, anything can be overcome.

I'll be sure to. I have no intention of leading this girl (or myself) on.

As for overcoming challenges I feel the same but I'm not sure of her views on that.

I actually have the feeling she is not a believer of "true love"

She has told me she's never been in love & has previously had a habit of being attracted to the wrong type of guy then staying in relationships for "comfort/companionship"

 

Your intentions can be serious, but you can't take anything too seriously right now. You need to meet her in person first.

 

You can't rely on how she feels talking to you. It's just talking. We've seen it here a number of times. Then the two meet and nothing really clicks. Just see her current behavior as something to start from, not something to rely on.

I definitely don't intend to get ahead of myself.

I have no illusions of being in love with this girl but she definitely seems to be the sort of girl I would fall for in person...

 

I think that while talking randomly, you can ask hypothetical questions:

- Would you ever consider moving to Australia permanently?

- What if you found your soulmate here?

But nothing too personal, for the moment. She will get the hint, if she's smart. Or start wondering why you asked those questions...

 

Sure, why not? You said you have the means to do that and it wouldn't be a big deal.

 

Why? It looks like you are not in control of your emotions already... Keep your cool. There's potential. But just treat it as that. Not as a matter of life or death.

I can't help occasionally thinking how unrealistic it is that anything would happen, as finding love like this (if it was to happen) is the sort of thing you only hear of in a Hollywood romance movie.

But stories like LittleTigers show that these things DO actually happen...

 

I think you're giving that away..........

Is it that obvious?

 

What if what? What if nothing clicks? You'll have done something crazy in your life and visit the US.

 

That's a way to go about it.

No, that doesn't bother me too much.

Wouldn't be the first time I've done something crazy, although it may be the craziest thing I've done yet!

I meant I can't help thinking what if I didn't try & she was like "THE ONE" or something...

 

I think it's wiser if you make sure about her interest in person than going on with some virtual romantic connection.

I suppose in my mind it's a fine line between rushing into it & avoiding dragging out something "fake" or unattainable for too long

 

Ask yourself: Would I get mad at myself over money spent on a plane to get there? If the answer is yes, then I see a problem with going there. I wouldn't want you to beat yourself up for so little. If you take it more lightly and you're more easy going, then it's fine.

The money honestly doesn't bother me too much.

It will be missed as I'm not exactly loaded but the amount spent would be small change for a possibility of something real IMO.

If I'm honest I've spent more on less!

I suppose the best plan (especially due to her remote location) would be a one-way ticket so that if things went REALLY bad I could scoot off elsewhere in the US & fly home from anywhere after some sightseeing.

 

Exactly!

 

Have no expectations for the moment. It wouldn't mean you're not serious about a possible relationship, because there's no relationship yet.

 

Talk to her on the phone soon.

I plan to call her this weekend. Due to the time difference one of us has to be up late to call & for our first conversation at least, I'd like to be fully awake so I don't come across wrong due to being overly tired

There might be a group of people into that, but I don't think there are so many over the age of 15... Where did you hear that??

I wouldn't have thought so!

It's just things mentioned, on this site & others, that seem to suggest it does happen. Each to their own but not for me...

 

Uh, I guess you shouldn't push yourself on her anyway.

 

Well, if you're currently in this kind of state: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNrB6qpmNwg

I guess it's better you get yourself together first.

 

So what's the plan now? Still one year of college in the US then possibly moving to Australia? Don't be afraid to ask her questions about plans and goals.

 

 

 

Alright, as I mentioned above we were texting today & some of the things mentioned came up.

 

I'm sort of feeling mixed messages from this girl & I'm not sure if it's because she thinks things are unlikely to happen or if she's simply not interested in anything more than flirty chatting online & on the phone.

I really don't think she seems that type of girl but who knows...

 

Basically I'm getting a lot of:

 

"you're exactly my type of guy"

"i'd love to be able to cook a meal for you",

"what I look for in a long-term relationship is a guy who xxxxx. Basically like you..."

 

& a lot of other similar stuff.

 

 

 

OK, so today we had a conversation that went as follows:

(her responses bolded)

 

I SO need to meet you in person!

Hahahaha - well...there's only the matter of passports, hotel arrangements, birth control, background checks, international flight... I'm sure we'll get right to it‏

Don't worry about all that!

Where there's a will there's a way...‏

That's true!! Romantic too‏

Haha, romantic or creepy desperate...‏

Romance is desperate by nature...the only difference is that it's reciprocated‏

Very true...

Well is it?

Not in a crazy sense...I like you; I like talking to you; I'm

Attracted to you - that's good enough‏

Hmm, so I shouldn't jump on a plane just yet?

Hahahaha not quite yet lol‏

You let me know when you're ready then...

 

As you can probably tell the talk had been & was still quite casual so I felt comfortable asking a few things without freaking her out with "serious talk".

But was this a mistake? I wonder if she thinks I'm playing with her...

I also kind of wonder if she's playing with me? Or I'm playing with myself (& not in that way! )

 

I plan to wait & ask her again (sincerely this time) down the track.

Or do you think this is her way of politely saying she has no intentions of anything more happening?

Edited September 30, 2014 by littlebitlost86

[HeavenOrHell]

You said you've already seen her on skype cam, so it's not just via text you've been talking?

 

No way would I talk about moving to someone I've not even met yet, and only been talking for a month via text. I personally wouldn't get involved with someone who I couldn't see at least every 6 weeks, wouldn't work for me, I won't fly anyway, so non starter anyway!!

 

Bear in mind there is not one person for us during a lifetime, I lived with 'the one' for 18 years but we split up in the end, I've had more than one 'the one', there is no 'the one' basically, some of us have more than one person we click with to that extent in a lifetime.

[littlebitlost86]

HeavenOrHell,

 

No, I didn't.

Chats so far have been via text using Skype

Sorry for any confusion there, I know many see "Skype" & instantly assume cam-chat.

 

I agree, I also wouldn't move to be with someone I've never met &/or only texted for a month.

A trip to meet someone on the other hand (which is what's being contemplated here) I would obviously consider, but even then not after a month of texting only.

 

If the answer to the somewhat theoretical question of "Would you move overseas to be with the right person?" is yes, it certainly does not mean I would expect it to happen instantly.

It also doesn't mean I expect some guarantee that I am that person. It would simply suggest she is open to the possibility...

 

& if this girl is happy to meet it doesn't mean I'll be on the first available plane. It would simply mean I know she's open to the possibility of meeting & seeing where things lead in person.

It means I know where I stand, at this stage at least.

 

I would obviously expect there to be phone calls & cam-chat, etc & much more communication before a flight was made & I think that's something both parties would expect if not require.

 

You're not willing/able to fly & I respect that.

I am so for me that's a non - issue at this stage.

The answer to the "would you move" question could obviously be a deal-breaker but we're not there yet.

 

As for "soulmates" & "the one" I once again respect your opinion. I don't really want to get into a discussion on beliefs (I don't even know what I believe) but would you really give up a chance with one (even if they were just one of many) to then wait for the next one to possibly appear?

[HeavenOrHell]

I think she likes you but she's also being realistic.

 

I know you were joking but I don't think you should've said 'creepy desperate'!

 

 

 

 

 

Alright, as I mentioned above we were texting today & some of the things mentioned came up.

 

I'm sort of feeling mixed messages from this girl & I'm not sure if it's because she thinks things are unlikely to happen or if she's simply not interested in anything more than flirty chatting online & on the phone.

I really don't think she seems that type of girl but who knows...

 

Basically I'm getting a lot of:

 

"you're exactly my type of guy"

"i'd love to be able to cook a meal for you",

"what I look for in a long-term relationship is a guy who xxxxx. Basically like you..."

 

& a lot of other similar stuff.

 

 

 

OK, so today we had a conversation that went as follows:

(her responses bolded)

 

I SO need to meet you in person!

Hahahaha - well...there's only the matter of passports, hotel arrangements, birth control, background checks, international flight... I'm sure we'll get right to it‏

Don't worry about all that!

Where there's a will there's a way...‏

That's true!! Romantic too‏

Haha, romantic or creepy desperate...‏

Romance is desperate by nature...the only difference is that it's reciprocated‏

Very true...

Well is it?

Not in a crazy sense...I like you; I like talking to you; I'm

Attracted to you - that's good enough‏

Hmm, so I shouldn't jump on a plane just yet?

Hahahaha not quite yet lol‏

You let me know when you're ready then...

 

As you can probably tell the talk had been & was still quite casual so I felt comfortable asking a few things without freaking her out with "serious talk".

But was this a mistake? I wonder if she thinks I'm playing with her...

I also kind of wonder if she's playing with me? Or I'm playing with myself (& not in that way! )

 

I plan to wait & ask her again (sincerely this time) down the track.

Or do you think this is her way of politely saying she has no intentions of anything more happening?

[littlebitlost86]

Thanks.

 

Mmm, that's sort of how I took it.

I think she's being playful because she is interested & she's an honest, forward person but then pulling back because she knows it's so unlikely that anything would happen.

 

But I'm a guy & I confess to knowing NOTHING of how women think!

 

Haha, I can see now how that may seem strange but I don't think it was to her...

There's a fair bit of name calling & teasing (each other & ourselves) when we chat. So mature I know...

[HeavenOrHell]

Some of us thought you'd seen her on skype because you said this >

Conversations had started getting a little "flirty" during PMs & when I saw her on Skype I find out this girl is freaking gorgeous! <

[HeavenOrHell]

>Do I flat out ask her if she would consider moving to Australia if we met & everything went well?<

 

No!

I think you'd have to meet first and take it from there, any talk of moving before you've even met is a hell of a lot of pressure.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm phobic about flying, also I wouldn't date anyone that much a distance from me, it wouldn't work for me, and I wouldn't be in a r/ship where I could only see them every few months, it's not enough. I saw my ex every other month, for 4 years, it was only just about doable.

I've had 3 partners who were the one for me, the other r/ships were ok, nothing special. I thought there was only one person for everyone, but I am proof it's not true. The person I was with for 18 years we thought that was it for life, were made for each other, but it doesn't always work out like that.

Some people do have just one person the whole of their life, and they're lucky, I would have liked that but it didn't work out that way for me.

My ex talked about moving over here far too early in our r/ship, we'd been talking about 5 or 6 months by then and met 2 or 3 times.

I don't give up easily on someone who is a love of my life, which is why my last 2 break ups depressed the hell out of me, no it's not easy to find someone you click with to that extent, and there are no guarantees you'll meet someone you click with so well but it doesn't mean a US to Aus r/ship will work.

I'm 48 and I know how hard it is to meet someone you feel that way about, but I also know it's possible to meet someone else you feel that strongly about, my 18 yr r/ship taught me that there is not just one 'soul mate' for us in a life time.

I think you need to have the patience to see how things progress naturally, without forcing the issue in any way, or dropping any hints about her moving before you've even spoken, as in; heard her voice or seen each other on skype.

 

HeavenOrHell,

 

No, I didn't.

Chats so far have been via text using Skype

Sorry for any confusion there, I know many see "Skype" & instantly assume cam-chat.

 

I agree, I also wouldn't move to be with someone I've never met &/or only texted for a month.

A trip to meet someone on the other hand (which is what's being contemplated here) I would obviously consider, but even then not after a month of texting only.

 

If the answer to the somewhat theoretical question of "Would you move overseas to be with the right person?" is yes, it certainly does not mean I would expect it to happen instantly.

It also doesn't mean I expect some guarantee that I am that person. It would simply suggest she is open to the possibility...

 

& if this girl is happy to meet it doesn't mean I'll be on the first available plane. It would simply mean I know she's open to the possibility of meeting & seeing where things lead in person.

It means I know where I stand, at this stage at least.

 

I would obviously expect there to be phone calls & cam-chat, etc & much more communication before a flight was made & I think that's something both parties would expect if not require.

 

You're not willing/able to fly & I respect that.

I am so for me that's a non - issue at this stage.

The answer to the "would you move" question could obviously be a deal-breaker but we're not there yet.

 

As for "soulmates" & "the one" I once again respect your opinion. I don't really want to get into a discussion on beliefs (I don't even know what I believe) but would you really give up a chance with one (even if they were just one of many) to then wait for the next one to possibly appear?

[littlebitlost86]

HOH, I see now why you thought that! My bad...

We both have profile pics up on Skype & have shared a few pics since then.

 

As for the moving overseas question I can definitely see what you're saying.

In your opinion is even a theoretical question about moving for anyone or any reason also too much?

I mean at this stage I think she'll know what I'm getting at no matter how it's worded.

[littlebitlost86]

I'm phobic about flying, also I wouldn't date anyone that much a distance from me, it wouldn't work for me, and I wouldn't be in a r/ship where I could only see them every few months, it's not enough. I saw my ex every other month, for 4 years, it was only just about doable.

I've had 3 partners who were the one for me, the other r/ships were ok, nothing special. I thought there was only one person for everyone, but I am proof it's not true. The person I was with for 18 years we thought that was it for life, were made for each other, but it doesn't always work out like that.

Some people do have just one person the whole of their life, and they're lucky, I would have liked that but it didn't work out that way for me.

My ex talked about moving over here far too early in our r/ship, we'd been talking about 5 or 6 months by then and met 2 or 3 times.

I don't give up easily on someone who is a love of my life, which is why my last 2 break ups depressed the hell out of me, no it's not easy to find someone you click with to that extent, and there are no guarantees you'll meet someone you click with so well but it doesn't mean a US to Aus r/ship will work.

I'm 48 and I know how hard it is to meet someone you feel that way about, but I also know it's possible to meet someone else you feel that strongly about, my 18 yr r/ship taught me that there is not just one 'soul mate' for us in a life time.

I think you need to have the patience to see how things progress naturally, without forcing the issue in any way, or dropping any hints about her moving before you've even spoken, as in; heard her voice or seen each other on skype.

 

Apologies if my first reply to you seemed a little abrasive.

Reading it again, it sounded almost harsh...

 

As I say, if you're not into flying I can easily understand why that wouldn't suit you.

 

As for how often I see someone I care about (not this girl but in general), I would prefer daily or very close to it.

But in saying that I am sick of shallow relationships.

I love the fact that the attraction between me & this girl started off with no idea what the other looked like.

We talked quite a lot before we saw one another & it's rare IMO that you become so interested in someone with looks playing no part in it.

 

I've never attempted it but I think I would rather see someone I truly love rarely than see someone I like daily...

But the not seeing each other often would have to be temporary as I've said. I would have to know that being together is a definite possibility in the future.

 

I don't think I'm the sort of person that could pass up someone who seemed perfect for me given any choice.

No matter how difficult it seemed I would have to at least try...

 

I know even if we meet things might not work.

& if they work they might not last.

But I'll take those chances...

 

I absolutely don't want to force the issue.

It's hard to explain but I suppose all i want to know is that were on the same page. Maybe I won't know or maybe we won't be but if she agrees to meet without us having discussed that & our expectations differ then at least one of us is likely to get hurt.

[LittleTiger]

I've been planning to ask that but does it seem a little TOO forward & or presumptuous after a month?

I suppose it doesn't matter really, I need to know one way or the other...

Plus I haven't managed to scare this girl off with any other questions or comments so far...

 

Wow, OK! So you guys are still together?

Who moved?

It's actually great to speak to someone who has already done the "crazy" things I'm considering doing & had it work for them!

It seems so unrealistic in some ways but stories like yours give me some hope..

 

Planning to give her a call soon & a cam chat sounds like a great idea too.

 

Thanks

 

 

Yes, we're still together and very happy. :love:

 

We're in our late 40s and, because of finances, visa complications, family and health, neither of us has been able to move permanently yet. Fortunately, we're lucky enough to be able to spend six months a year together, despite all the complications, and it works really well.

 

Having read your updates I'm happy to share with you how it was for me but please remember, I'm not her, so she may be thinking very differently.

 

When I first received a message from my guy, my initial response was 'maybe we can be pen pals'. I live in England, I love travelling, but I'm not jet-set rich, and the idea of physically meeting a guy I'd met online, who was living in NZ was pretty far fetched in my mind. I had always wanted to visit NZ and Australia, and was hoping one day I would make the 'once in a lifetime' trip, but back in 2009 it was just a fantasy. So 'pen pals' was the only place my brain would take me.

 

We clicked immediately and contacted each other every single day from the start. As I said before, first it was email, then messaging, then phone and then Skype. We became great friends. We talked for several hours a day, every day - 7 hours was our record!. Although I didn't know it at the time, he a took a whole week off work just so that he would have time to talk to me ie he was pretty smitten! I was enjoying our new friendship just as much as he was but I wasn't taking it seriously in relationship terms.

 

I still didn't take it seriously when he first mentioned coming over to the UK to meet me - and I probably laughed about it just as this girl did. I've asked my guy roughly when he first suggested it, because I can't remember. He said probably after about a month, although I know we joked about doing things together long before that.

 

Gradually, the friendship started to became very 'real'. By the time we were video chatting on Skype things had progressed enough that I began to think that him coming over could be a definite possibility.

 

I should also mention that, even after he'd booked his flights, I was still 'warning' him off the serious relationship idea. Not because I didn't want it to happen but, because I'm a realist, I knew that there might be no sexual chemistry in real life and I didn't want either of us to be disappointed.

 

When he finally did fly over (after two months chatting) we agreed that we were meeting as friends and, if there was no chemistry on either side, the friendship would continue - it was so strong at this point, we both knew that was the 'worst' that could happen.

 

I had some friends (and my Mum) who said it was 'incredibly romantic' and others said it was 'creepy' or 'scary'. I trusted my instincts and it turned out to the be the most romantic thing that ever happened to either of us. He took a huge risk and it paid off.

 

I told him about your thread and, as someone who has been in your shoes, he said "if he thinks she could be the one ...".

 

All that said, I don't think you should rush it. You definitely need to video chat on Skype, and for a reasonable length of time, before you can be sure that your connection is real. It also sounds as though she needs a little more time and reassurance that you're a good guy who is falling hard for her rather than 'a creep who is desperate'. Personally, I love it that my guy is so spontaneous and that he is prepared to take such a huge risk in the hope of finding love. I'm also very grateful to him for taking that risk, even though I told him 'not to get his hopes up'.

 

Five years on, that New Zealand/Australia 'fantasy' is now a 'normal' part of my life. I've been over there several times. I'll never forget my first visit though - an evening at Sydney Opera House on my birthday in 2010 - I can only describe it as surreal!

Edited September 30, 2014 by LittleTiger

[HeavenOrHell]

I think it's too soon to talk about moving, as you've not spoken or met yet, unless you said something in a round about way like are you happy there or can you see yourself moving some day, but she'll probably still know what you're referring to! I would just concentrate on working towards meeting up, but let that progress naturally as well, when it feels right.

 

 

HOH, I see now why you thought that! My bad...

We both have profile pics up on Skype & have shared a few pics since then.

 

As for the moving overseas question I can definitely see what you're saying.

In your opinion is even a theoretical question about moving for anyone or any reason also too much?

I mean at this stage I think she'll know what I'm getting at no matter how it's worded.

[HeavenOrHell]

No worries

It is nice you didn't base how you feel on looks

I can understand the wanting to see someone you truly love rather than seeing someone you just like daily. I've had true happiness in a live in long term r/ship as well as an LDR.

I think I'm just saying be careful as LDR's are far from easy, and generally the further apart you are the harder it is to see them, and it is painful. Me and my partner split up when we were at our closest, most bonded, after 4 years, because it was too hard to be apart but we couldn't move (yet, if ever).

Sounds like you are being cautious as well though, so that's good

Just keep on talking and sharing and things will become clearer in time.

 

Apologies if my first reply to you seemed a little abrasive.

Reading it again, it sounded almost harsh...

 

As I say, if you're not into flying I can easily understand why that wouldn't suit you.

 

As for how often I see someone I care about (not this girl but in general), I would prefer daily or very close to it.

But in saying that I am sick of shallow relationships.

I love the fact that the attraction between me & this girl started off with no idea what the other looked like.

We talked quite a lot before we saw one another & it's rare IMO that you become so interested in someone with looks playing no part in it.

 

I've never attempted it but I think I would rather see someone I truly love rarely than see someone I like daily...

But the not seeing each other often would have to be temporary as I've said. I would have to know that being together is a definite possibility in the future.

 

I don't think I'm the sort of person that could pass up someone who seemed perfect for me given any choice.

No matter how difficult it seemed I would have to at least try...

 

I know even if we meet things might not work.

& if they work they might not last.

But I'll take those chances...

 

I absolutely don't want to force the issue.

It's hard to explain but I suppose all i want to know is that were on the same page. Maybe I won't know or maybe we won't be but if she agrees to meet without us having discussed that & our expectations differ then at least one of us is likely to get hurt.

[littlebitlost86]

Thanks for your story LittleTiger,

 

That's great to hear!

 

Your story actually starts out very similar to how I met this girl & how things have progressed so far.

May I ask, did you two meet on a dating site, looking for a romantic connection or just a random website chatting as friends?

 

I'm getting more & more confident that this girl is attracted to me & would be interested in something serious but it's the distance that's the only dealbreaker for her.

Little things that are said, the fact she often initiates contact, the amount of time she spends talking to me (I didn't realise until it was nearly over but she was up until 5am the other day just messaging me...)

She's also said I'm her only online friend (neither of us use Facebook or other social media) so this isn't something she does for others.

 

She seems to trust that I'm an honest guy & true to my word already but I think some phone calls &/or video chat will only strengthen that, for both of us.

Have told her I will call her tomorrow as the weekends the best for both of us with the time difference.

Will see how that goes before I say much more...

 

The few times I've mentioned us meeting she shuts down pretty quickly with a "we're on opposite sides of the planet" or similar & changes the subject.

My gut feeling is she doesn't want to be too open to the idea &/or get too attached to it as she doesn't want to get hurt but she doesn't want to let go either...

I could be wrong about this mind you.

I've been wrong about girls before!

 

In a way I'm happy she has her guard up as I certainly don't wan't her to get hurt.

Somewhat unfortunately, I'm already feeling a little invested , & increasingly so every day.

No plans to rush into anything but if I KNOW with 100% certainty that nothing will happen then I need to change the way I look at things before I get too deep.

 

Anyway, I really appreciate you sharing your story.

I know it's no guarantee but it's nice to know that others have been in this exact position & had things work out for them...

 

By the way I hope you two can be together on a more permanent basis soon.

It must be hard for the 6 months you're apart!

[littlebitlost86]

HOH,

 

Replying to your last two comments here.

 

You're correct, with what's already been said I can't really ask hypothetical questions without it being totally transparent what I'm truly getting at.

 

I asked her a while ago & I know she plans on moving from where she is.

When I asked if she had somewhere particular in mind she simply said she always wanted to live near the water & otherwise isn't fussy.

I tried to probe a little deeper & she changed the subject...

 

I think you're right, one step at a time.

 

 

I must admit, her looks play a part of it now but the initial connection was made without knowledge of looks & as we're only texting (& hopefully soon talking) there's obviously nothing physical keeping us going at the moment.

 

I can only imagine how hard & painful it must be & honestly, this is a scenario I never expected, or particularly wanted, to find myself in!

 

I'm being as cautious as I can but as I say I can't help feeling a bit emotionally invested as well.

 

Thanks again!