LDR fear/insecurity

[oleggy]

I've been in a long distance relationship for about two months with a chick and everything has seemed to be going well, after all i known the girl for 8 years. But the bad thing about it is that i won't be able to see her until the summer again, where i plan to live at her house for 2-3 weeks. For like 2 weeks ago she initiated a conversation to get closer where she asked me deep questions. Even though we talked about plans for what we will do in the summer and generally in the future, she asked about family and kids. Only as a way of getting closer.

 

Because this is the first time i even been in a relationship at all, and have close to no experience in dating at all. Everything is so fresh to me, and i don't know often how to go ahead, and my behaviour changes alot even if i don't want it to either, and i can't manage to control my thoughts. So a couple of times now last week that has been i gotten into abit like feelings like conversations, like talking more about plans, sending songs to express feelings and so. But i feel like she avoids answering direct to them. All days our conversations start great and she seems very happy to see me, and i feel then after the start(30-60 mins) of convo, i ruin it with cheesy stuff, or trying badly to express feelings(and maybe i do it too often).

 

I feel i should be able to send stuff like that, because she once sent a song like 2 weeks ago called "du bist alles" which translates to you are everything. And two days ago she sent youtube video of a dog barking "i love you". I'm not sure if she's using that again as a way of expressing feelings or if it's just random.

 

But today after a great conversation for a while, when i tried to send her a song again(Arctic monkeys - i wanna be yours) Saying like "This was the song i wanted to send you yesterday night:". She seemed like totally avoidant of it. Even though i did know she was going out(which was still an hour to) i quickly changed subject like "so, whatcha doing?^^" and then i got answer that she was dressing then suddenly went off without a goodbye even(still 45 min till she was leaving). So with everything happening recently i can't help myself thinking more and more of her and feelings, so i run out of things to say other than that, even though im trying. I totally trust her and everything and looking forward to the summer but also i think the feeling of how long that is to wait affects my behaviour, so i feel this behaviour of mine will be the thing that will ruin it in the end if i don't manage to control it better, and she doesn't give me heads up too often either.

 

So are there any more experienced people out there who would be able to give me some advice or something that could help me on my way?

Thanks in advance!

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Seems like she is not willing to be deep in love yet... just because you have had deep convos, does not mean she has deep feelings.

 

Since you known each other for some time before dating... I think now that she is dating you, she wants to feel comfortable around you more than feeling out of control with thoughts like you are.

 

My LDR is a strong woman, and I see some of the qualities my LDR has that is similar to what you are seeing. In an LDR, a woman who has her lifestyle in order, does not let emotions complicate things, until they feel control over them.

 

For example, my LDR is married, so she can't go from what they see on a daily basis to deeply goooey in love. So she slowly eased into what she feels in a comfy manor.

 

It will take some time, and just allow what you have without getting too gooey with love feelings.

[justwhoiam]

I guess you should try to understand if she runs away only when you send her songs... or what.

 

The reasons? Hmm, it could be because:

1) she's talking to someone else at the same time, and cannot focus on you too much

2) she's in a hurry

3) she can't listen to the song there and then but only later on (she has people around, she needs to get her headphones, etc.)

4) she can't keep her feelings at bay and she's afraid a song might cause some reaction she doesn't want or that she doesn't want you to see (this might be especially true if she's on cam)

5) she's simply not in the mood (this happened to me, when he hurt me and then sent me songs, I could only listen to the lively ones but not to the slow ones, I guess they talked about feelings in a way that was unbearable; but when we were fine again, I listened to them)

6) it has become a pattern that around the time to say goodbye you send her a song and she gets kind of sad

 

I would suggest that you are not so predictable. A song is OK, but once is a song, another time you can send her a video, another time a nice card, another time nothing, etc. Try to vary, and don't do it right towards the end of the conversation. You can do it at the very start, or in the middle of it, etc. And stop sending her slow songs... they can make people uncomfortable or she might not like them. Send her cheerful, happy stuff.

 

Try with all that and see what happens. If things are OK, you'll be fine. Then when you'll be together again, next Summer, this is something you can bring up in person, just so.

[oleggy]

Thanks for the advice. I have thought over and recognized alot of my behaviour and come to the conclusion that i come off too needy at many times, because many times my fears of where this will end up gets the control of my thoughts. Like we have great times talking and playing online games together every week and when we get time.

 

But sometimes i just trigger like that and it's because of my fear i think, because it's still 9 months and i get thoughts like suddenly she will start date someone else, lose feelings for me or just go back on our plans so i won't get to visit her. So i start overthink and get a cheesy/needy behaviour where i'm just really pushing her away myself(self-destructive behaviour).

 

So those issues are best i read around on psychological articles and get a better understanding of myself and maybe see a psychiatrist or so. But other than that i guess because she is indeed a strong woman and that's a thing i admire about her i should let her call all the shots. Right now i think i'm back to good ground though.

 

Because lately we have talked loads and played alot together, and things go smooth that way. Because i'm new to relationship also i just take this as a good thing because i don't know how it should be but at least some of my connection with her is back on track, but it worries me abit because i feel the way we're doing stuff now, like just talking(even though it's about anything) i get feeling we're just doing it like best friends or so. Or is this really how relationships are, talking about anything, acting like best friends and doing stuff together and just keep my feelings out of the picture for now?