IS SHE going out with another guy because of the distance or...???

[Hopehope]

I need some advice guys...

 

I've been in a long distance relationship with the girl who I thought was my everything since this January. To make the whole story a bit more clear from the beginning, I should mention that I'm a lesbian, this girl I'm in love is bisexual, and she is 12 years younger than me at the age of 24.

 

Anyway, she is from South Korea, and I'm in the UK. Before I met her, I was civil partnered with my ex for 10 years. It didn't work out for us, we went our separate ways and stayed good friends ever since.

 

But my new girlfriend from Korea, we met last year in July when she was studying here in the UK. We were inseparable until she finished her study and had to go back home in January this year. During this time, I know I made her feel insecure because of my close contact with my ex wife, purely because of some unfinished business between me and my ex had considering we were still technically married then. But my new girlfriend seemed very understanding and supportive about the whole situation at that time which made me fall for her even more and started thinking that she could be the one.

 

I visited her twice this year in Korea. First time was in February after 1 month she went back home, and the second one was in May. After the second visit, I started to feel distance from her, somehow I could sense something was not right from her texts. There was no missing you, loving you much..., very short and simple texts... But then, she admits one day that she started hanging around with her ex boyfriend, even had been sleeping with him from way before I visited her second time. So she wanted to break it up with me over the phone because from what she said was, she was feeling guilt, the fact that she loves me, but can't be together because of the distance and her life circumstances (can't come out to her parents and close people), and couldn't handle her occasional cravings for a *****.

 

But by then, I'd already booked the flight ticket for her to come and see me in August. So we discussed it at that time on the phone, decided to see each other anyway in August and agreed to take everything from then. After our discussion over the phone, she must've been seeing her ex on and off for a while and ended it with him but then started seeing another guy before she came in August...

 

I was absolutely devastated, knowing that she definitely has some sort of feelings for me, yet was going around with these guys...what for...? She sometimes cries on the phone that she hates herself doing this to me and keep hurting me when I'm the only one who connects with her deeply that she feels like she could never connect with anyone else in this way again, and she wishes if the society in Korea was as open minded as in the UK, and she finds it difficult that her mother is already talking about the future wedding for her with a man....

 

So all I could do was just to try and understand her side and wait for her to come in August anyway, so we could have a good talk about everything as to what we could do with ourselves. And she came, stayed for 4 weeks here with me. One thing I've noticed was she is a completely different person when she's around me.., very gentle, soft, caring, comfortable, and affectionate. Yet when I'm not there physically with her, she seems like seeking some sort of physical closeness from somewhere else and she says the only easy way of finding that is with a man in Korea...

 

When she stayed here for 4 weeks, finally I thought we made it back up for good that we would look forward to the future, leave the past negative memories behind and next year in spring she would come here to be with me, then hopefully we could explain our situation to her parents one day.

 

But after only 10 days she went back, she started seeing this second guy again... She told me on the phone and was crying that she can't help her temptation, and feeling lost not having me around her, hating herself for doing this to me over and over again and then she asked for an open relationship ... I said I could try but in a reality it will probably not work for me, knowing that someone I deeply in love with is sleeping around with another man... At that point, I wanted to know whether or not she really loves me, so I asked her the question, but her answer was "maybe she loves me or maybe not" (I know sometimes she can be very stubborn especially when she is confronted)... Until then she always told me that she loved and adored me and especially when we were together I could feel it too.

 

Anyway, i took 2 days to think, and got back to her and called it off myself in a friendly way. But she was asking a couple of times that if we could at least remain friends which I refused... And now im on 5th day of not contacting with her to give her that time, freedom or whatever she's seeking at this stage of her life, but it hurts like a hell and drains all the energy that you have... I know that time heals everything, and think I'm doing the right thing.

 

I still have her as friend on my FB, but i don't know if it's right thing to do to have her on FB after refusing her request to be friends?? She has been posting a song with lyrics (obviously directed to me) which she knows that is one of my favourite songs... But why would she post love song with broken heart lyrics after 2 days of her telling me "maybe she love me or maybe not"...??

 

I just wonder if she is really having a difficulty of facing the reality that she is in love with a woman which can't be accepted in her society, and trying to find the easy way out of it by going out with a man?? What do you think?

 

Did anyone go through similar situation in LDR ? Please share your thoughts, i need to listen to all of your valuable opinions...? Thanks a lot

[evanescentworld]

It's really very simple. She's a multiple serial cheater, and wants her cake and eat it.

Block her completely on Facebook, go total No Contact and find someone close to you, who will always put you first and love you as you deserve.

 

For the life of me, I truly cannot see why you linger over her, and waste emotions on someone who patently doesn't deserve your attention.

[Hopehope]

I guess I'm blinded... I want to get out of this toxic situation, learn my lesson and get my life back together. And I'm aware that no one but only myself can make a change, but your valuable opinions are always helpful, especially at this emotional stage of my life. Thanks very much for the nice quote

[justwhoiam]

couldn't handle her occasional cravings for a *****.

Craving for males or females? Sorry but it's not clear. The hidden word would suggest you're talking about the female sexual organ.

So, if that's just an occasional/side craving, she's not a potential partner for a homosexual relationship.

 

i don't know if it's right thing to do to have her on FB after refusing her request to be friends??

Obviously, it's not the right thing, if you want to be credible. You kept a door open for her.

 

why would she post love song with broken heart lyrics after 2 days of her telling me "maybe she love me or maybe not"...??

Because she has nothing to lose from being on your radar. Were it just for the yearly odd couple weeks vacation in the UK.

 

I just wonder if she is really having a difficulty of facing the reality that she is in love with a woman which can't be accepted in her society, and trying to find the easy way out of it by going out with a man?? What do you think?

She told you she's bisexual. So where you have no interest in men, she does. That aside, I guess it's easier to blame the parents for her decisions, rather than being accountable for sleeping around with men AND dating you all at the same time. I think you did the right thing stopping the vicious circle. It definitely looks like a toxic relationship, where you'd be getting only crumbs.

 

Please share your thoughts, i need to listen to all of your valuable opinions...?

I'm not sure if my opinion will be valuable. It crossed my mind, right away, that you might be a nice option for her. She could come to the UK and stay for free, etc. So, why not? She has her boyfriends at home, then she comes to you now and then. She's kind of scared that she won't be able to keep this going on for long anyway. It's pretty clear to me that any guy around her won't last long, unless she allows that. And it'd mean having a steady relationship. She's probably not ready for that for one, and secondly, guys might only be interested in a casual relationship with her. This might lower her chances to a stable relationship. Also, I have no idea if she lives in a big city or in some small town. I don't know much about Korea or how detrimental her behavior is to her further success in building a family. But she knows that might be her goal eventually. It's just nothing more than speculation about her. Therefore, I guess it's better you leave her alone and move on with your life.

[evanescentworld]

I guess I'm blinded... I want to get out of this toxic situation, learn my lesson and get my life back together. And I'm aware that no one but only myself can make a change, but your valuable opinions are always helpful, especially at this emotional stage of my life. Thanks very much for the nice quote

 

The only way I can encourage you to get out of this situation is to truly believe exactly what you have just said.

 

It's toxic.

Poisonous. Noxious. Harmful. Destructive.

You have before you, a dish of food that you know, should you consume it, will bring you intolerable pain and discomfort; it will double you up in agony, and make you violently ill. Your head will ache, your stomach will burn and you will know enormous anguish and suffering. the food is vile, there is an almost unbearable stench from it, and you swear there is an infestation of parasites in it.

 

Now, take a spoonful.

 

No? Really?

 

Isn't that what you are feeding your heart?

 

Simply leave it alone. Don't go near it.

Heal, be well, move on.

But quit sabotaging your well-being and feeding your heart with such filth.

To what end?

How well really, are you nourished and nurtured by this situation?

[Hopehope]

JUSTWHOIAM, thanks for taking time to reply. The hidden word is for a male sexual organ that she occasionally craves for... which I was trying hard to understand... In my opinion, if you love someone, you love someone regardless of what sex they are or what organs they have... It’s the person, not what they look like or what they have or don’t have, isn’t it...?

 

I at least managed to restrict her from FB today, just taking each day as it comes.. Yes, you’re right, thinking back now from what she used to tell me about her past relationships, she never had a solid good relationship. But I was her first ever girlfriend. She always used to miss something from her previous relationships according to her. Anyway, I think, I can’t really blame her for everything, can I..? I guess we all go through what we have to go though in life to learn our lessons... If we don’t learn, then the chances are it will happen again...hnnn... tough.. tough... But we all have choices at the end 

[Hopehope]

EVANESCENTWORLD, Thanks again for your true and honest saying 

Of course no one would want to be nourished by this kind of situation; Looks like I've made a wrong choice from the very beginning when I could've made right choice of not pursuing her.... But at the same time, I could possibly be thankful to her one day for teaching me a great lesson, helping me to become a better human being

[justwhoiam]

The hidden word is for a male sexual organ

Oh, I was misled then, because it looked like a 5-letter word and you censored it.

 

if you love someone, you love someone regardless of what sex they are or what organs they have... It’s the person, not what they look like or what they have or don’t have, isn’t it...?

I don't think so. What kind of love are you talking about? We can love someone regardless of looks, sex, age, etc. But attraction is not always there when you love someone, don't you agree? For instance, I'm heterosexual, and I'm not attracted to girls, so I could never fall for a woman. So I could only love a woman as a friend, as a sister, etc. For a romantic relationship, a different kind of love must be there.

[Hopehope]

Oohhh... I referred to bisexuals in that sense Heard from a couple of bisexual friends that they don't necessarily fall in love with genitals, they fall in love with the person... So did my ex girlfriend say the same thing, yet having a cravings for that particular part...

[evanescentworld]

EVANESCENTWORLD, Thanks again for your true and honest saying 

Of course no one would want to be nourished by this kind of situation; Looks like I've made a wrong choice from the very beginning when I could've made right choice of not pursuing her.... But at the same time, I could possibly be thankful to her one day for teaching me a great lesson, helping me to become a better human being

Everything that comes to us is a lesson.

What it teaches us and how we put that teaching to use, is up to us.

It's too easy in situations such as this, to permit the heart to stride ahead and take the lead; but I would implore you, for your own well-being, to permit your head to gather force, and be strong enough to help you see sense.

Walk away, and take care of yourself.

 

With much Metta.

[Hopehope]

evanescentworld, Thanks so much again for your truly encouraging advice. I'm supposed to be Buddhist actually, but haven't practiced for a long time. You're re-opening my eyes and inner sense... Thanks again, wish you peace and inner happiness

[evanescentworld]

At the rsik of getting deep, and maybe stepping where it's unwelcome, remember the Four Noble Truths. The first of which states that life is 'dukkha' which has hitherto been generally accepted as meaning 'suffering.

 

A respectable number of worthy and educated Buddhist scholars and philosophers now feel this is too inflexible a translation; the ancient language of Pali is a complex language and many times words change meaning according to context.

 

The word 'Dukkha' actually stems from the same root as the word describing a cartwheel fitted onto an uneven axle.

And isn't life like that? A bumpy ride? Sometimes smooth, at other times uncomfortable, depending on the terrain?

It's not the rough ride we have, it's how we decide to sit and take it.

 

And sometimes it pays to take a step back, view the bigger picture and evaluate just how vitally important this lesson is for our own progress? Are we going to lament the discomfort, or smile inwardly, shrug and think, "The ground evens out, it will be fine...."...?

 

Sorry to sound as if I'm preaching. I hope it is not an unwelcome advance, but I mean well, and will refrain if it sounds too much like proselytising, to you.

 

With much Metta

[Hopehope]

You are absolutely flawless, Evanescentworld...! What you said made me think a lot... that everything happens in life for a reason, and I'm so grateful that you have replied my post. I'm finally starting to realise a reason why I had to go through this year and a bit of toxic relationship experience. I'm saying it toxic.., but really... now I'm realising that It wasn't toxic, in fact I was the one who was creating that toxic environment around my own self...

 

Looks like you're in the UK? Would you mind private messaging? Is it possible to exchange email addresses here?

[evanescentworld]

Sadly, neither you nor I have PM facilities here, until we have been here a month or so, I believe. Exchange of email on public forum is also discouraged, according to Community guidelines. (Yes, I actually read them!! )

 

Don't worry.

We will keep in touch.

I have your thread as 'bookmarked.

I'll get back to you....

 

[HeavenOrHell]

The male sex organ is a 5 letter word though! I'm confused

 

 

 

Oh, I was misled then, because it looked like a 5-letter word and you censored it.

 

I don't think so. What kind of love are you talking about? We can love someone regardless of looks, sex, age, etc. But attraction is not always there when you love someone, don't you agree? For instance, I'm heterosexual, and I'm not attracted to girls, so I could never fall for a woman. So I could only love a woman as a friend, as a sister, etc. For a romantic relationship, a different kind of love must be there.

[HeavenOrHell]

I've not read everything here, sorry, but just wanted to say if someone is wanting sex or any other kind of intimacy with someone other than their partner it's not going to work unless it's an open relationship.

Bottom line is LDR's need trust, commitment and honesty, same as any other r/ship, couples don't sleep with others in 'local' or live in r/ships, so why should it be ok in an LDR, unless it's agreed by the couple that's what they want to do and both are ok with it.

For me, in my LDR, as much as I missed him and his cuddles and our amazing sex life, I would not look elsewhere for it, it's *him* I missed, I didn't want these things with some replacement person.

It depends what your gf's priorities are, your r/ship or having sex with other people.

[justwhoiam]

The male sex organ is a 5 letter word though! I'm confused

Not a word anyone would censor though...

[Hopehope]

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