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Fights that can't get resolved?


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Bit of bg information. Me and my SO are in out thirties soon, and have knows each other about two years, in the beginning of this year we started dating. He's in the States and I'm in Scandinavia. He's been here and I've been there, I've met his friends and some family and I liked them. He's been here and met my friends, but due holidays my family was in the North at the time of his visit, but my mother has seen him over skype and from what I've told her, she has decided to like him already. Plan is to move together next year and both of us are ready to move either here or there for a year, just to see if we really do go well together. We are in lucky situation where we do have the money, but neither of us have anything too important that couldn't put on hold for a year, before making life changing decisions (engagements, house buying, family planning, etc.) in this relationship. A year for a test run, so to say.

 

But here's the thing;

Me and my SO seem to have fights over little things. There are few things that make me see red instantly, but I'm never mad more than from an half an hour to few hours, and am more than ready to apologise and talk about where we went wrong or what I did wrong. He can get intensively mad to himself over something that I don't see such a big deal.

 

Last evening we were talking about pretty much everything. He is much, much more smarter than me, and I adore him for that. But after being correcter so many times in the topic, and it seemed that he actually doesn't pay attention to anything I say over the phone (the usual "I told you about this two times before over the phone already." "Huh? This is the first time I hear about it." I think he actually has a bad memory or has hard time to keep up with little stuff, but he does remember the important things.) so I lost my cool, told him that I wanted to change the subject because he makes me feel like an idiot and how I hate it, it makes me feel insignificant.

 

Questioning my intelligence is a thing that makes me angry, and on that moment it felt like he's doing it on purpose. He was shocked to hear that. I'm not one that tends to yell, but I closed the skype call on his face (this was my first time I did so) and went to deal with the dishes and went to sat down in a sauna to fume on. Two hours later I sent him a message for apologising my outburst, but he didn't answer. After 6 hours later, I finally got a hold on him on the phone. I should have probably waited until this morning, I know.

 

He was mad that I felt like that, and asked does this feeling happen every time we talked, which I stupidly felt like answering honestly; Yes. But I also explained that when he gets excited, he explains even the basic things to me. And I shrug it off because I know he's having too much fun. But this time my faults got the better of me.

He has the tendency to go hiding when he gets mad and acts passive-aggressive, and now it seems he thinks he's being abusive?

His faults are not even anywhere near the lists of abusive SO's. I grew up in a one and I know when the alarm bells are going on, and this is not it.

 

I'm actually happy in this LDR, and can't wait for our year together to see what kind of an adventure it will be. But we both are thick in the head and can see red in seconds when right buttons get pushed, but I cool down very quickly. He needs a day, then another day where he beats himself over it.

 

And now I.... I don't know what to do or say anymore. Writing this here helped a bit, but I'm still feeling down for it.

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I'm putting myself in your shoes. I couldn't be with a man who can't apologize or who needs a couple of days before doing so. So I would simply tell him that this behavior wouldn't help in the relationship. I guess you need a deal with him, like you will count up to 100 before getting mad, yelling at him or being impulsive (see hanging up on him), and he will be less stubborn and say sorry when he's wrong, and when he's right he should try not to get mad at you anyway.

 

See if it works.

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